That's funny too...

Glad to make ya smile.....


not2fun

Hey Amazin!

Yeah, I understand the taking a break thing. I've been doing as you have and have been focusing on my family/life/self. Summer's come to the pacific northwest and it's truly wonderful!

I can imagine Plan B sucks...I never really did it for real... Instead I'm going straight (after nearly 3 years of Plan A...ish) to plan D.

The ideas here are fantastic, as are the plans, but in my case, WW was not receptive, and I'm done hitting my head against the brick wall. My WW has alcohol issues as well, and it's clear why the plans did NOT work, as Harley so clearly points out.

How long ya going to do plan B?

L2F

Hey L2F,

Sorry to hear about your situation. And I know how much it hurts. I'm sure it goes against every fiber in your body to throw in the towel.


I'm not going to put my life on hold forever. I'll be at my highyear tenure in 2012 and then I'll have to retire. I may wait as long as 2010.... but you never know, I may just get sick of it and file for divorce in the begining of next year. If I do get a divorce I don't want my WW to get any of my retirement.

Everyone has a differnt threashold for how much crap they can take before they say.."Enough"

I'm paitient ... but there are day's when I'm really hurting and just want to move on... It's the "not knowing how things are going to turn out" and "being in limbo" that drains a person and wears them down in plan B.

Amazin

I just thought I would make a post before my thread slipped off into oblivion....LOL

I want to thank all you great MB'ers.... I have learned a lot from everyone here and everyone has been very encouraging to me. L2F, Pepper, Believer, Not2Fun, RIF, SDGuy... just to name a few.

Has anyone heard from Learning2Fly or SDGuy?

And I havn't seen any posts from RIF in a long time.

Heard from SD guy today. Things are still the same. But he will do just fine, and so will you.

Our MB men always do great.

Thanks Believer,

I hope so ...

It's the "not knowing how things will turn out"...and "being in limbo" that I get tired of.

Awwww.....Amazin,

Keep that chin up....we know how hard you are working....How about an update on you and your changes???

And your welcome. Actually it was your sunny disposition that keep up my spirits may days....

not2fun

I haven't heard from my WW since before I gave her my Plan B letter. She hasn't filed for divorce so I don't know if that's a good thing or if it's just because she doesn't have the money or if she's just using me for the benifits.

I'm really struggling with my 15 y.o. daughter. She's driving me crazy. All my marital issues are hard enough... but she's about to send me over the edge... I'm about to have a nervous break down.

She's questioning every parental descion I make... We argue all the time... It's terrible.

She is very needy and asks me for all sorts of stuff... but when I ask her to do something around the house like her laundry or the trash... she blows me off, does it half a$$, or complains and throws such a hissy fit about helping that it pisses me off. She expects me to do for her but won't do anything for me. She expects everyone to hand her everything she wants on a silver platter and that is not how life works.

I'm trying to be patient with her but my stress level is already through the roof and she just puts me over the top. I don't know what to do with her. I'm ready to send her to her mom just to keep from damaging our relationship. But her mom isn't worth a DAMN.

Help...

Amazin,

Calm down buddy......don't break down on all of us....

The WW???......well she is not your problem....let her stew in her own mess.....

The daughter???.....well, I am only just beginning the teenage years, but here's my take. Treat her like you learned to treat your WW. State your boundaries (the rules of the house...) and when she crosses them, insert appropriate punishment. And for goodness sake, stop arguing with her. Treat her like she is in a fog.....don't argue back. Just instill the punishment, and be done.....oh and when she does a half butt job, make her re-do it....and remember this is all a phase.

She is testing your boundaries to see what she can get away with....its normal...just remember, YOU ARE THE PARENT....(and she wrote the sweetest Father's day letter....)

not2fun

Amazin-

As someone who has survived my DD's teen years, and has been a high school teacher for 20+ years, I can tell you that your DD's behavior is normal. Not much fun to live with, but very normal.

The biggest thing for you to do is, don't engage in the battle of the drama queen. This will only escalate her behavior. If you engage her, then she thinks she has a chance of winning this "battle".
How do you do this? Don't respond. Don't try to get her to accept your point-of-view or even realize her illogical comments. Just Walk Away.

If she starts with you, walk out of the room.

If she follows you and asks "why did you just walk away from me" say something like "I don't allow anyone to talk to me that way."

My DD would try to get into shouting matches with me over the phone. I would hang up. She would call back and shout "why did you hang up on me?" I'd hang up again. Then, she'd call back with a different tone of voice. I only had to explain why I hung up a couple of times ("I don't allow anyone to talk to me that way.") before she stopped her shouting after the first hang up.

Another thing is to let her know that her behavior will have consequences-both good and bad. If she wants any responsibility, then, as a member of the household, she needs to take on some of the responsibilities. After all, one day she will be on her own and will be doing all of this herself. And really, how in the world does she ever expect you to give her the responsibility of driving, if she can't be responsible with helping around the house.

Determine the positive and negative consequences of her following through on her responsibilities. Sit down with her and write them out. Positives means tv or computer time-you driving her somewhere that she wants to go-allowance-whatever works for you.

For example, if she does a half-a$% job on something, then the next time she wants a ride somewhere, let her know that you might have had time to do that for her, but you used up the time you would have had to drive her, doing her chore correctly.

Another thing you need to do is, don't get into the battle of "you didn't do it right" "yes I did" etc. How can you do this without pointing out what she didn't do right? Well, if she is supposed to clean her room before she can get on the computer, when you check on it and it's not done very well, say something such as "I guess you aren't finished yet." Then walk away.

The "walk away" requires that you also don't give her any more instruction. She's a big girl. She should be able to figure it out.

Here's something to remember about girls her age. There is a 3-year-old and a 35-year-old inside each one of them. You know this. They know this.

When she is being demanding or whiny, tell her "I know that there is a 3-year-old and a 35-year-old in you. Which one am I talking to? Because I will just tell the 3-year-old what to do but I will have a conversation with the 35-year-old." Most of them want to have the conversation.

Also, you should know that when she gets like this with you, it means she feels safe enough to vent at you.

Hang in there. It does get better-in about 2-3 more years usually.

Thanks John,

Thanks Not2,

I appreciate the advice and encouragment.

google "BILY group"

because I love you (BILY)

click on the reference library


lots to look at there

be sure to take a look at "basic house rules"

and "parent's bill of rights rights"

you need support - ask for help in your community

do you have a sister nearby?

Pep

Amazin -

I have a 26 / 20 yo sons and a 16 yo dtr. My dtr is driving our family to the brink of dispair. Sons have their stuff together and the younger one is a 4.0 bio/math major and wants to go apply for med school in 3 semesters. I note this is for comparisons sake.

I read your post and can relate to it totally. You are not alone.

Dtr is involved in gangs, freq runaway and is barely at a 9th grade edu level. The chaos has put incredible strain in our M. I am concerned that my wife may once again look for external outlets because of this atmosphere. I can see her going into a withdrawl situation again. Very concerned and my radar is up and running.

Just wanted to let you know that there is another father out there with a daugher putting him on the edge. Thanks to the responses from JT, Not2, and Pep....will have to do more research and share with my wife. I need better tools obviously.

Try "Have A New Kid By Friday" By Dr. Kevin Leman.

There's some great non-confrontational techniques in there
for getting your kids to be responsible for their own
actions.

Be very careful with this. You could damage her MORE by sending her away.

No matter what you say, she could take this to mean that you do not love her and don't want her anymore.

I have two DDs, 15 and 14 years old. DD14 tests me ALOT. Sending her to her dad's house is NOT an option. I will not give up on her.

Find other ways to deal with it. Please.

The world doesn't need another daughter who's father doesn't want her. I'm not saying this is the case, but this is how she may deal with it.

Don't give up on her. or she may give up on herself.

Fox

Thanks Pep.... I'll look at that stuff...

I have 6 sisters but none of them are close by. My closest reletives are 16 hours away... I have been talking to my counselor about the issues with my daughter. I have an appointment tonight.

Thanks John... I'll look for it.

My sister reccomended "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. (I read it a long time ago)

I think I have a tendency to focus on the negative... What they're not doing or what they're doing wrong... and I'm not praising them for the good things they do. But... I realize it and I'm trying to change.

Thanks Fox...

I really don't want to send her away. I do love her very much. I'm just at the end of my rope and don't know what to do.

Sometimes it helps me to take a step back and look at the big picture. I'm not always successful, but I do try.

You've seen kindness and caring from your DD. She's in there, just under a mess of hormones and turmoil.

So far, the worst my DD has done is be mouthy and indignant. If that is the most I have to deal with, I'm going to count my blessings.

She's not in trouble with the law, she doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, steal, sneak around, etc.

Her grades are good and she is for the most part responsible.

Mouthiness, disrespect, and a messy room is a cakewalk compared to all the things she COULD be doing.

You're doing just fine. You've asked for advice and many have answered the call. Do what you can to improve your side of the relationship. Also know that there are just some things that get grown out of and can't be fixed with anything more than their maturity.

I know it's tough, hang in there.

Fox