Find other ways to take care of him.

Could you find a middle ground? I think sometimes that the way you LOOK at sex can help. You want your H to feel loved and to meet his ENs. Having sex with him is one way to do that. Maybe you can approach it as something that you are doing FOR him...a loving act because you want him to be happy.

With that said, if you are not ready, he kind of has to respect that. You have a lot of emotional stuff to work through. The first few times that my H and I were intimate after the A it was painful and awkward. It was a struggle for me to recapture what was mine.

Talk to him. Share with him what you want to be able to do but also how you are feeling. Let him be gentle and show you that tenderness that you deserve right now. It will eventually work itself out.

HTM

Well, we have been intimate since d-day, and that's not a problem. I think what ended up happening was I had given him the impression that we were going to be intimate that day (and it really was my fault), but then an emotion I wasn't dealing with ended up getting in my way. I figured all this out yesterday after I posted my question.

Lately I've been feeling pretty angry with him that I've been driven to the point of needing antidepressants again. It's been about 6 years or so since I've been on them, and I was very proud of that accomplishment. I was of the mindset that I'd never be able to get off them, but I worked really hard at recovery for ten years and had gotten to a point where both my therapist and I felt I was ready to try going without them - and much to my surprise I did really well. I've had a lot of stress in my life (like anybody else) and was able to cope pretty well. Recent events with our finances had made it hard, but again, I felt like I was coping well. Discovering the EA was just too much. I hadn't told DH about being angry with him about feeling like I need them again, and once I did I felt significantly better.

I've been looking at SF for what it is - his most important EN, and fulfilling that for him isn't a problem for me, really. I've always enjoyed that aspect of our relationship and it's improved significantly since everything has come out in the open. It's just when I'm feeling bad it's hard to see past that and function. I feel much better than I did yesterday. We're getting better at communicating, but we're still rough around the edges of course. He was under the impression I hadn't decided to stay with him, and I thought I had made that clear, so my emotional roller coaster was frustrating him because he saw it as mixed signals. I explained that I do want to work things out and my hope is we'll come out the other side of this better and stronger, but that the roller coaster is normal and is going to be around for a while.

It sounds like you are communicating really well with your H. And I think it is completely reasonable for you to have "down" days where SF is not something you feel like doing. There will be times where a negative emotion is overwhelming and it's all you can do to hold yourself together, let alone meet anyone's needs. It'll get easier.

Just keep trying. The waves come slower and slower...

HTM

That's nice to know. I've noticed that somewhat already.

I have just read your thread and can really relate to what you are both saying. My husband and I married 1 1/2 years ago but have not yet lived together...he has a reading/writing disability that makes it tougher to get jobs and he lives in the city 3 1/2 hours from my country home. We'd talked before we were married and I was willing to transition there (I was out of work and would have gotten unemployment while looking for work there) but he didn't think I'd be happy in the big city and he wanted to locate to me instead. Well he got a job and moved to my home but he never got paid, so when he got a job offer back in his old city, he moved back there, coming home on weekends. It was hard but I was trying to be patient. It didn't seem as hard on him as it did me, and I thought well people are different, maybe he doesn't mind being alone as much as I do. He started sleeping a LOT and was diagnosed with depression, although they didn't put him on medication. It was shortly after that when I paid a surprise visit to him and discovered he had someone living with him!
Much of what you guys have voiced is what I have experienced, incredible hurt and anger and disbelief that the person you have given so much to could so disregard you as to do something like this. He has SF dysfunction (as we've since learned, arising from stress/anxiety) so he wasn't able to "perform" with OW but they were sexually intimate, and as they lived together for a couple of months (he moved her out whenever I'd come visit), they shared conversations, meals, friends, recreation, everything except the day-to-day tasks of M. I had even remortgaged my house to pay for his debts (he'd had a failed business that left him saddled with debts), and all the while he had her on the side?! Or should I say that I was the one "on the side"!
Since then NC has been established, and he gave up his place so she couldn't find him, and he wouldn't have a place to bring someone to, and he's staying with friends we are both acquainted with in another town that's close to his job. He's reestablished coming home to me on weekends and calling me every morning and every evening after work. We are spending more time together in doing recreational things. I'm working on LB and read SAA and am currently reading HNHN. He's had a lot of counseling in his life and refuses any more and since he's not able to read/write very well, I have been doing the reading and then talking it over with him. He has been emerging from the fog and changing back to the man I knew and married. You are right, it is very unfair that the BS does the preponderance of the work in the beginning, but it is how it seems to be. However, little by little, we begin to see the WS begin to take on more as time goes by. I live one day at a time, knowing I may not be able to predict or control any particular outcome, but working on me, learning to establish and require adherance to boundaries, and leave the future up to God. The things he has done is establish NC, give up all of "their" friends, give up his place, and is actively seeking work in my area, and keeping in contact with me more. I have access to our cell records but he isn't computer literate so a keylogger isn't necessary, plus he doesn't have one, just I do. I cut off texting on his phone because she was trying to text him, which is pretty funny since he doesn't read them anyway. He gave me his PW on his cellphone (for messages) too. He says he wants our M and I've seen a lot of changes towards that.
One of my problems is dealing with "triggers", images that come to my mind, and feeling anger over what he chose to do. He chose to move back up there when we got married, he chose to not have me move there when I was out of work, he chose to have an A, and I feel like it's me paying the price! THAT makes me angry!

You say you can't see the doctor until mid-Aug. There are a lot of ways to relieve anxiety and depression besides just medicine...I know because I have had to deal with depression in the past (although right now I'm doing okay) and I have accepted that I have chronic GAD and am on medicine for it. Walking or other exercise every day relieves stress and releases those "feel-good hormones". Spend some time on yourself doing things YOU enjoy, take a bubble bath, read a book (for fun, one that isn't a "self-help" or otherwise required reading), go to lunch with a friend, spend time in a hobby or other enjoyment.

I don't know about you, but my esteem took a huge hit when I discovered my H had a woman who was 9 years younger than me and a tiny size 5...I can't be that. He says it wasn't about that, but that is what he picked. You have lost weight, so have I, although only 16 lbs. so far, and I'm trying to continue even though the stress has mostly abated. I got my hair colored, had my nails done, bought some new clothes...for my own self-esteem.

I wish you the best in your recovery, I know it's hard and we all have a lot ahead of us, but with MB I have hope that our M can be saved...and a lot better than it was.

Broken,

How are you doing? I haven't seen a post from you in a few days. Hope all is going well.

HTM

Broken,
Thinking of you and hoping you are doing okay...haven't seen you on here for a while...

Hi! Sorry I haven't posted in a few days.

We had a bit of a setback over the weekend. I was feeling like some details of the EA were fuzzy and got pretty spooked - I thought he was lying about things, so I was questioning whether there would be "bombs" at a later point in time. It turned out to be a bit of a misunderstanding. Before d-day he wasn't one to really communicate much and habitually was very guarded. He would only tell me as much information as I asked him for. His family isn't very forthcoming or direct either - I wouldn't say they're outright dishonest, but just....guarded I guess. So he comes by it honestly. Sometimes the way he phrases stuff will lead to a misunderstanding between us - I think he means one thing and he means something else (which is different than him being misleading or outright lying).

However, he's been trying REALLY hard and I've been quite impressed with him. He feels exceedingly guilty (as he should) and that's hard of course. He openly told me because he feels so guilty that his tendency is to put it behind him as quickly as possible, because it's the past for him and he wants to focus on the future and on us. I explained to him that I understood where he was coming from, but that this ISN'T the past to me - this is very much in the present and even though it's hard for him, I need him to be absolutely forthright about everything. I've asked him about a billion questions (quite a few I've asked multiple times, too) and his responses appear to be honest. I've checked on everything I can, and everything matches up so far. We'll be in Plan A forever. He hasn't protested at all to giving me all passwords and account information, me checking his phone and email, etc. I realized over the weekend I had forgotten to ask him for account/password info on his personal checking account. I was a little nervous asking for the info - but he offered it up without protest, even gave me info on his 401k account. Through our keylogger I saw that he went to this site without my asking, and read an article called "How to meet emotional needs." This alone was a BIG step for him, because before he would NEVER do that without much prodding from me. I could really feel the love units being deposited with that discovery. He's apologized repeatedly, told me how stupid and how much of a moron he was over and over, and continues to express a lot of remorse. He's still being patient with my questions (those have reduced in number significantly).

I feel that as part of the 100% transparency agreement, he should also have access to my individual savings info, but that's what I used to purchase the keylogger software. I don't want him to know about the software because I feel it's all I have to REALLY make sure he's being honest, and the purchase is listed on there of course. How should I handle this?

I've also figured out that I'm grateful for this lesson - I'm even grateful for the pain that has come along with it because it'll help me remember my mistakes and keep me from making them again.

Thanks for checking on me and sorry so long!

Hello, I found out about my husband 3 months ago and i'm still so devastated. He told me that it will never happen again etc. I just want to keep a track on his email because I have access to his phone. Since my trust in him have dropped, I just want to know how truthful he is to me. Where did you purchase the keylogger? I appreciate it

There's a lot of them out there. You can google "keylogging software" and check them out. They come in a variety of prices and features.

Hi broken_soul,

My H so called mistress put a keylogger on his computer. Putting a tab on his conversation with me. I being in IT, found it. It was quite a bit of work but I was able to access it and do a lot of twicking therefore switching it to me. From that point she was not able to see what he was typing to anyone for that matter. But I was. The program was pcpandora, and not hard to figure out.