If her complaint is that you are not complimentary enough, wouldn't the solution be to tell you this? Wouldn't the solution be to CHANGE THAT?

I am just not getting how moving out resolves the problem if that is the REAL PROBLEM. Either that or we are not getting the full story. I am not understanding the situation.

I don't understand why she wouldn't come here. We are not "counselors" here. But we do know how to build a great marriage. We are posters just like you.

Have you been telling her that she is responsible IN ANY WAY for your affair?

I have never said that this was any of her fault. You would fully understand the story if you read my opening post. The lack of compliments is just the icing on the cake. I think there lies some deep resentment that she would not foward with.

But right now she refuses to talk to me about anything.

Why, yes you did. I showed you the quote. What do you mean by that then if you don't mean exactly that?
You told us here she believes she has zero responsibility for the affair. Did you tell her that?


I have read your opening post 4 times, John, and I do not get why she still has resentment.

You say you have "done things wrong" these past 2 years. What exactly did you do wrong.

I am not the brightest bulb on the tree, can you add more information so I can GET IT? I really am trying.

See, there are some BS's who really cannot get over their resentment. But in my experience, those BS don't even TRY. Your W has TRIED, though. There are several things that could prevent this, and at the top of that list would be:

a) continued contact with OP
b) refusal to be honest about affair
c) refusal to meet the needs of the BS
d) a lack of remorse
e) lack of accountability and/or blaming the victim
f) a series of affairs

There are others, but those things come to mind. So you can see why your comment about her "taking responsibility for the affair" sets off my red flags.

There has been no contact with the other person, I have been honest although she feels that i am still not telling all the truth. I never refused to meet her needs I just didnt know exactly what they were. A day doesnt go by that I dont regret what I did, but I never really told her that until all of this happened. I guess I do feel that if we didnt get in that rut where our communication started to decline and she didnt really seem to interested in what I had to say, maybe i wouldnt of went looking for someone to listen to me. i even told her that I thought we were losing our connection and she agreed something was going on but we never followed up on it. i have only cheated once. I might not make sense I dont know all of the abbreviations that you are using. The wrong things we did was how we handled the affair

ok, you are making me work too hard to get to the real story and I may give up if I have to do much more of this. No one can help you if you are not brutally honest. But something is wrong here and you are not telling the entire story. I don't like having to pull teeth to get the complete story. I seem to be working harder than you.

1. I have been honest although she feels that i am still not telling all the truth.

Exactly what does she say about this and why does she feel she is not getting the truth?

2. A day doesnt go by that I dont regret what I did, but I never really told her that until all of this happened.

How could you fail to tell your victim that you don't "regret" what did to her? Are you saying in all this time you did not show remorse for hurting her?

3. I guess I do feel that if we didnt get in that rut where our communication started to decline and she didnt really seem to interested in what I had to say, maybe i wouldnt of went looking for someone to listen to me.

So which is it?? You did blame her or you didnt??

So far, by READING BETWEEN THE LINES I have gleaned that you:

a) have expressed no remorse
b) have not made her feel she was getting the full truth
c) blame her for your affair
d) are not forthright with the truth, but play cat and mouse games - you are cagey

Am I on the right track?

Your right I didnt express enough just how remorsful I am. She thinks there was more to the relationship than there was. She doesnt believe that we didnt have sex. No it was my fault for giving in to the typical cliche of someone paying attention to me when she wouldnt. i wasnt mature enough to handle the situation properly and I went down the wrong path.

Did you have sex with the OW? Was there more to the affair than you told her?

No I didnt but she doesnt believe that. She believes it was only sexual because she was younger

You know, it would be a huge mistake to lie about this. I know when we are in trouble, we try and minimize the fallout by cutting corners on the truth. If you are holding back something, she will not rest until she knows. if you are holding something back it is better to ante up than to her find out on her own some day. And she will find out eventually. I promise you that. that would be much worse than if you told her on your own.

Women are very intuitive and they almost always KNOW when someone is holding out on them. It drives them CRAZY. And they pick and pick and pick even if it takes 50 yrs to get it out. She starts to think she must be crazy. It is a very cruel thing to do to a loved one.

We are like BLOODHOUNDS when we sniff out a trail. And when can't root out the truth, she gets more and more frustrated but her instincts keep telling her ......there is something, there is something.. And that little something can destroy the marriage and cause the wife to hate her H.

So, John, i tell you this as a friend. If you are holding out, you are more likely to lose your marriage that way than if you spill your guts and got it over with. She KNOWS if you are telling the truth or not.

And another important thing to know is that if you are hiding something, you will never have the intimacy that is the cement in a marriage. There really will always be a wedge there.

You can afford to be honest with me here.

Bwhahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Well she's a smart girl.

NEWSFLASH - YOUR WIFE HAS NO RESPONSIBIULITY for your CHOICE to have an affair!!!!!

Honest enough for WHO? You?

Completely honest and "Honest enough" are NOT the same thing.

I thought about it all night about what you said, and I looked back at 2 yrs ago. I didnt give her the proper apology that she deserved.I did apologize but not what she deserved. That has been a problem all my life, being able to open up emotionally and show all my feelings. So your right I didnt show her my deepest remorse. But now is it too late, by being bottled up emotionally have I ruined our chances to reconcile.

ok, that is a START. How about being honest about the rest of this? You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Yes it became sexual, but how will telling help make anything better telling her 2 yrs later. I really thought I was sparing anymore hurt by not telling her

What if this information is the last straw and gives her absolution in wanting a divorce?

Do you not see how not telling her the truth has destroyed your marriage? Can you see with your eyes what this has wrought? You have hurt her by LYING TO HER for 2 years. You have made it impossible to trust you.

I knew you were lying and I have never clapped eyes on you. That is how obvious you are.

She can never trust you when you have secrets with the OW to which your own wife is not privy.

Isn't that her right? If she wants a divorce because of this information doesn't she have a RIGHT to leave? My God, you lied to her for 2 years.

Do you believe she is your PET that you keep in a marriage based on a lie against her will?

John, you have made a very bad mistake. And you may lose your marriage over it. But she deserves to know the truth about her own life.

She has known all this time you were lying. I KNEW it right away because you speak the language of WEASEL. Waywards speak in circles because htey are hiding something. People instinctively know this. She KNOWS.

So has my idiocy ruined any chance of a reconciliation or is there still for us?