Oh and Guy.. I'm sure I don't have to remind you.. but make sure to be absolutely clear on who gets custody of the sippy cups.

autoclave aside.. I don't think we can just assume this..

And make twice certain your lawyer has copies for you of all of SCQ's domestic work instructions. Heavens know we guys are all hand tools and caulking guns around the house..


PULL!

The autoclave is from the Sipply Cup Cleansing Exercise. The TV is a reference to the time I was trying to go to sleep and could hear the SCQ talking to POSOM on the cell phone downstairs (didn't even have the decency to pretend to go for walks anymore) and I went downstairs and told her I could hear her talking and she said "I was talking to the TV." I guess I should enter that in the list of all-time classic FogTalk responses.

Good suggestion on things to look for, James. I'm going to scour it to make sure she hasn't introduced any additional language on what can be said to the children.

You did that Dude. That's why I know about it. You are getting old.

Ouch.

The mind is a terrible thing to waste. OF course, I can't even remember what I had for breakfast.

Oh, wait, yes I can, it was Oatmeal.

Nevermind. YOu are getting old.

I've been feeling crappy for several days now for no particular reason, which makes me think it must be related to the MSA document. The document itself is fine--there are no surprises, but the fact that it is here. I think that I can tell myself all I want that I am ready to be divorced, but it is still Not What I Want.

I think I am again Fighting Against What Is, bringing on depression and making myself miserable. Or maybe I am only Really, Seriously Pissed Off About What Is. Not sure. Maybe it doesn't matter. I'm also acutely aware of something being missing.

DD5 is starting soccer. I didn't know the coach but told him via email that I could help him out at practices if he needed an extra hand. Then I found out that all the practices will be on Tuesdays, which is the SCQ's day, at which point I took back my offer (and explained why). I mentioned this to my day-care provider yesterday (I guess I put it terms of "and now I can't"), and it made her so sad that she pulled me aside today to talk about it.

I think she just wanted to encourage me to go to the practices if I wanted to--that I shouldn't feel like I couldn't go. And that's not how I feel--I am choosing not to go because I don't want to be near the SCQ, but this is a really stupid way to live. And an even stupider way to raise children.

So then I'm back to wondering what I was wondering the other day, whether I should just give up and try to be friendly to the SCQ, or at least cordial. Sometimes I think I could do that and that it would be easier, but at the moment I'm so full of anger and unsaid things that I don't think I could.

Then I get this email from the SCQ. At first, my response was white-hot anger and thinking that I would need to Xanax up for the night, but I've calmed down quite a bit. The last line is the most offensive.


I think that this is as reasonable as a WS can be. I'm interested in opinions. Especially yours, Schoolbus, in case you ever wander back onto my thread.

The last line makes me want to unload on her.

"Or what? You'll threaten to reduce my time with our children again?"

or

"We wouldn't have to worry about this kind of coordination if you weren't such a shallow, pathetic excuse for a mother."

hey SDGuy,
I used to keep up with your thread, but the farm is taking up my MB time

I just caught up as far as the sh*tty email from stbxww. I have an x and I remember it took me a couple of years after seperation for me to really be able to stand being around him. Dont know if that helps you or not, guess it all goes back to that time thing, as far as advice goes, it bites.

I never did get a chance to thank you for what you said to me when I started plan B. I didnt really want to hear it but it sunk in anyway. You did encourage me despite myself.

I also wanted to say that over the last 5 months, your thread has made me smile more than any other single thread.I have even laughed out loud occasionally. You really do have the gift of humour. When you feel the time is right to find someone, its something they will apprieciate. I have always thought a a sense of humour is a vastly underrated gift.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you, and feeling for you.

lil

Me, too.

I think I'll run away to Belize for awhile.

Or maybe not.


Yes, it is. But it isn't one that YOU have chosen.

I, personally, would go and enjoy it. To do otherwise takes away from the quality of your relationship with your child.

SCQ is wallpaper. You don't have to interact with wallpaper just because it hangs on the walls in the room you are in.

I would not be open to friendly co-parenting. Yes, it is the "easy" way. However, the easy way is not always the right way.

With such young kids and so much interaction necessary, IMHO, I would be tempted to co-parent in closer proximity than what has been happening.

I wouldn't email her back and forth, I wouldn't provide information from meetings, emails from school, etc, and I wouldn't ask for them from her.

You both know how to contact the school and make sure both names are given so information is sent to each of you.

WxH and I both get all information from the school. He knows when meetings are and if he does not attend, he does not get the information.

I would respond to the email only with facts. You don't need to tell her if you are attending meetings or not - you don't answer to her.



My take in red.

I also know that it is hard to keep the reined in.

There are very few times now that I want to let the team of :twobyfour: :twobyfour: loose.

Stoopid waywards.

Guy Smiley


Fox

Howdy Guy,

Most of your WW's email is blahbetty blah blahing, trying to seem like she's playing nicey nice with her stbxh. No need to respond, unless, as Foxy has pointed out, the days she mentions are not your time with the kids.

As for the last line, it's just crap, ignore and vent as best you can. "Can't we all just get along?" :crosseyedcrazy:

"Um, hmmmm, well, I suppose you have a point and uh, well...

NOPE"

You get to decide when you talk to her, not the other way around. She cannot control you, just as you cannot control her, and it's prolly buggin the crap outta her. Whatev. Shake it off.

I hope you have a fantastic day, and I hope the first day of school for DD is GRRRRRREAT! WW isn't even wallpaper, IMO. She's invisible, like AIR.

That email could have been written verbatim by my exww.

But this is the new reality you're living. In SCQ's defense she is sending you a very logistical email.

The last line was unnecessary, but it is the truth.

That being said, I can understand your feeling of wanting to let her have it. You feel anger and may just be starting to feel anger from the anger phaze which is INTENSE.

You want to unload on her for simply talking in your general direction. You'll go through this phaze and may be stuck in it for a long time.

Once you accept, you'll see emails like this and you'll start thinking of SCQ as a business partner you don't like.

I'm still struggling, 2 years after the fact, with holding back on answering her emails which are full of entitlement and preaching and flat out just wrong and accusatory info.

She picks fights via email and I've been suckered into responding.

You must avoid this.

There comes a point where you flat out don't care anymore and you scan the emails you receive to filter out the garbage and focus on what is important.

What stinks is when she witholds info that you need to know for your kids.

That's a real problem but it's all the more reason why you need to get in contact with the daycare and schools yourself. Don't rely on her for info.

By all means, you should go to the kid's practices. You're there for the kids. Your ex will become wallpaper after some time and you won't care that she's there. You'll be able to focus on your kids.

But what you're feeling is totally normal. It just takes time to work your way through the stages of grief and you're certainly stuck in the anger phaze.

It will pass.

Go to every event of your kids you can. You can respectfully ignore her. Time goes by very fast and you should not miss any of their growing up. They grow up very fast. It's literally the "blink of an eye."

The divorce will be final very soon now and guess what? You will feel better very quickly after it is. There is a finality that comes with it. A weight will be lifted and many of the uncertainties gain obvious solutions.

Your on the stadium lap now. We will watch you finish.

Yup!

Go to every single one of their events that you can. Doesn't matter if you take them of she does. Go for your children. Ignore her. If you must speak, be civil.

This is not about the children!

I agree SD. Your kids want you there, and they will remember that you were there. My WH was a coach, and I think it is something DD will remember always. He never missed a game, and I think that is special. Of course that was before he became an [censored].

(((SD))) I don't know how, but someday the waywards won't get under our skin as much as they do now. They'll just be gum on our shoes.

Thanks for all the great comments, and especially your very kind words, Lil.

Feeling better today, if somewhat tired. No response to the email yet. She seemed to want one, as she sent me a TM last night to let me know she had sent me email. Monday (the first day of school) is her day, so I will respond and let her know I want to see the kids in the morning.

Thanks, kettle. Belize has sounded good to me for a long time. We could always. . . *looks around for the innappropriate joking police*

YES! I think I would have said for "existing," but you captured it very well.

Yeah. It's one of those things I know, but I don't always adhere to the stuff I know. Ya know? Suckered. Like when she told me to get down off my high horse, and I thought "Yes, I'm sure you would love for me to get down in the gutter with you, but I'm not going to play."

You give really good advice, POM. Every now and then when I have a bit of extra energy I venture out onto other threads to see if I can help anyone else, but I frequenly find that "POM has things under control here."

And thanks for all the encouragement to attend the practices. DD5 brought up the practice to me a couple of times last night just as something to talk about. I know she would like it if I came.

Angry phase. That sounds about right.

It's reassuring to know you guys are all with me.

SD,


...this is the reason you would CHOOSE to go...

...tell me again, you are choosing NOT to go.....because????

Thanks for the kind words, SD.

Now if you and some of the others here can help me with a few BHs here who have cheating wives and no kids I'd appreciate it.

They don't seem to understand the freedom they have in front of them and how many of us BHs here would have absolutely nothing to do with our exww'es if it wasn't for our kids.

Sorry for the threadjack. I could just use some support since I'm being painted as simply being bitter that I couldn't make things work in my marriage.

But, SD, you're in the anger phaze and will want to write long emails and preach and vent to your ex.

It's a sucker play that can come back to haunt you later. Trust me. My MB posts from my freshly hurt days have come out and a crapbag lawyer has tried to use them against me.

So be careful what you respond and how to your ex. Those things can come back and bite you later.

SD,

Go to the practices, the games, the events. Just go and to he77 with her. That was the mindset that worked for me with Ladybug this summer. I was there for HER and nothing else. It was HARD, especially at first, but it did get better. And, dare I say that it actually helped me a bit with getting my emotions under control?

Just like me, you will decide that you know that YOU are so much better than the person she is being that you have NOTHING to hide or be ashamed of, so you can put yourself out there and not be afraid, or angry or anything but Stronger in the long run! The confidence you will gain will be surprising and the potential for her to feel the SHAME that she SHOULD is greater than that.

I think it was SL that said, treat her like wallpaper. You will feel better and she will get the message loud and clear. No silly wayward acceptance from you.

The BEST part? It's your Kids that win the most from having you there. THAT is where your focus needs to be in this sitch - same with first day of school and any other event that comes up.

You have the strength, the power, and the Class to pull it off.

Busy morning. Dropped DD5 off at day care, then took DS8 to a dentist appointment. On the way back from the dentist (great appointment--hooray), DS8 spots the SCQ's car, only it wasn't being driven by the SCQ ("there were two people in it, and I'm pretty sure who they were"). Trigger. Breathe. Unclench.

Picked up DD5 and then off to the school open house. Determine classroom. Meet teachers. Meet some other classmates. Deal with lunch stuff (how much money to put on milk and lunch cards). Buy spirit clothing from PTA (shirt or sweatshirt, or both? what sizes?). Explain to teacher marital situation. Avoid SAHM (stay-at-home-moms)'s zooming around me at warp speed.

Now I'm exhausted.

I'm sure I forgot something (signing up for PTA?). It will be too bad if the SCQ doesn't like it.

POM, yes, I still have urges to write long emails to educate or otherwise make her feel the effects of her choices. I also know that I might as well chew out my door for being so opaque. A useful thing to do with that kind of stuff is to write it down. Write a letter that you don't send.

DD5 was telling me something last night about me going to all her baseball games, or maybe it was all her brother's baseball games, and I said "yes, and I'll come to all of your soccer games, too." She added "And practices." So, yeah, it's important to her. I'll go to some.

I got pretty good at ignoring the SCQ when she came to DS8's baseball games (except, perhaps, for the time she brought DD5 and DD5 spent most of the game with me while the SCQ text-messaged. Or the time she DIDN'T bring DD5 and I got to speculate whom she was with). I can certainly say I enjoyed more the games the SCQ didn't attend.

I agree with Pom. Take any opportunity to be with the kiddos. Treat the SCQ like she's not there.

My exhusband and I attend our kids things at the same time. For the record, I was the WW (now FWW) and we didn't recover our marriage. He absolutely still hates me despite my attempts to apologize etc (which is his right).

It's really difficult for me to attend these events. They are all mostly where we used to live- and ex's extended family are all usually there or some of what used to be our close friends.
None of them talk to me- unless it's my exfather in law. I can tell it pains him to do so but he will be slightly polite. That's his choice of course and I don't blame him.

If my husband now or my MIL do not attend with me- guess what? I'm sitting all by myself. Whoever has the kids that weekend gets them to events. At my sons football games if I have DD6 with me I sit on one end of the field and he sits at the other. I don't ever stop DD6 from going to give dad a hug and he always lets her come to my side of the stands to see me.

More than once I've sat in those stands and watched my best friend of over 11 years not even glance my way- with tears coming down my face that they cannot see. (I wish some WW's would be able to read this post and see what they can look forward to.)

It hurts SCQ now or at the very least one day it will. Don't let her fool you.

Don't let her keep you away from anything to do with the kiddos.

Wow, CW. Your post is moving. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

For the record, I am quick to forgive. Probably too quick. Just talking about how angry I am over the past couple of days has helped dissipate the anger. I can easily imagine a day where I have forgiven her, but I don't know how long it will take to get there or whether she will ever be able to ask for that forgiveness. (I recognize that this could easily set off a semantics discussion over what is forgiveness. There's a component of forgiveness that is for me and doesn't have anything to do with her asking for it. It might better be termed letting go of my anger.)

I feel a temptation to try to put your words in front of the SCQ somehow along with the idea that "it doesn't have to be this way." Stop cringing, all of you. I know that it would be like trying to teach my cat about nuclear magnetic resonance coupling constants.

Thanks again for stopping by. Thanks to cinders, too. It's always nice to get fresh perspectives.