OK, for all of those that have been reading along with my fiasco all night long... here's the "resolution".

He calls at 4:30 my time, 2:30 his time, acts like he's calling me at 10 pm.

H: "So, how was your day?" (all chipper, cheery because he knows I am currently )

(I don't even know what I said in response-- all I know is I kept a cool head, and actually sat there with a pen and paper to TAKE NOTES on the line of BS he was gonna feed me for tonight's stunt... I think that kept me calm... taking NOTES... I am such a dork...).

He asks me how my dance class went, and how dinner was. I just said something along the lines of "fine".

I asked where he was all night, he said that he went to the gym, then went out to dinner with the "client contacts" and some other guy. But he kept saying "client contacts" instead of their names or giving them a gender (ie, he or she). So, I asked, who are the client contacts, you haven't talked at all about people you are working with up there...

He gives me two males names.

He claims dinner took 5 hours (then later changed it to 3 or 4).

He said then the clients wanted to take him out on the town, so they went out to bars, and he didn't realize what time it was because he didn't have his cell phone or a watch. And I guess no one else in Calgary owns a watch or has a clock in their establishments either

He's all cheery... tells me he misses me...

Then he said "well, I just wanted to call you and put your mind at ease because I know one of your concerns is that I am out doing something shady, but I wanted to let you know that I'm not"

So if you wanted to put my mind at ease, don't you think maybe you should have done that HOURS ago!?

He continues on his cheery talking with me... I swear, if he talked like this to me EVERYDAY and not just when he KNOWS he's in the dog house...

I got off the phone with him and told him that I was going back to bed (meanwhile, its 4:40 and I've slept a whopping total of an hour tonight).

He tells me he loves me about 15 times before I get off the phone with him.

Half of me buys the story, half of me doesn't. Its harder for me to tell if he's lying over the phone than in person. I dunno, I've become fairly good at detecting when he's lying in person. I don't even know what it is that gives it away... something does, because I'm generally accurate. I've learned to go with my gut on that one, and its right a good percentage of the time. I don't have a gut feeling on this one one way or the other.

I can see that maybe he spent a night on the town with the guys that he met up there. Or I can see that all being a cover story. I just don't know


Again, I owe the world to both Charlotte and TJD for talking with me tonight, and thanks to Lildoggie for jumping on my thread at some ungodly hour... and also to everyone else that sent well wishes and prayers over the course of the night.

I'll be getting up for work in a lousy 2 hours, so I'll check back in then.

This isn't "over" yet.

He apparently doesn't "get it" and crossed an ENORMOUS boundary of mine tonight.

Just took me off guard, and I want to make sure my next step is really calculated.

He already knows he's in the dog house, which is why he was being all super sweet and sucking up to me tonight...

My head hurts...

E.

This made me cry. I wish my H shared this sentiment...

E.

I'm here for a bit. What a jerky thing to do to you, leaving you hanging like this...........

Can he show you receipts for the evening? Did one of the clients have a phone he could borrow?

Thanks guys... its amazing how many people are still out there willing to give support at some ungodly hour... (well, I guess it isn't an ungodly hour everywhere...)...

Obviously we need to talk about this when he gets back tomorrow.

He claims his cell was off because he kept getting text messages from people back home and since he's in Canada, we have to pay 20 cents for every text message he receives. So he turned it off so that he wouldn't have to pay for them. Again, this goes back to-- whether or not his company would pay for them anyways, and plus-- what if I did NEED to get a hold of him? Then I'd have no way...

Its a plausible story for why the phone was off though... ok, fine.

The rest of the story I don't knwo about. He rambled a bit while telling me it, but that might just have been because he knows he's in the dog house. Nothing "screamed" lie to me about it, but there were a few points where I was a tad bit

The fact of the matter is... he could have had some respect and called.

And he knows, and we've had this conversation 45454 times... that I don't like it when he "disappears" when he's out of town. Especially until 2:30 am, their time. This was a M-A-J-O-R issue prior, when he was traveling so much.

I'm just not sure where to go from here...

Thoughts?

E.

I got in big trouble for this once. A couple of guys decided to go see a movie after a training class. I didn't call until after dinner and didn't POJA the movie since it was coming out of my wallet and not the companies. I had also promised to call once class let out.

Lesson learned. Call when you say you will and don't assume that going out with a group of guys is OK.

I'm sure one of the clients probably had a phone, but since he's in Canada, then the client might have had to pay an arm and a leg for him to call me (its considered international calling)-- which may be an excuse. Not really a great one, but whatever.

I think even if he didn't have the "out of the country" excuse, the same thing would have happened though. Because it has, several times, in the past. When his phone would die, you think he'd borrow anyone else's to call me real fast to check in?? nooooooo. And sometimes this is when he'd travel with people he knew from his company, so it wouldn't be as "weird" to borrow the phone to call his wife.

I could ask for receipts. I may leave that for snooping. I know where he keeps his receipts for reimbursement through his company. I just have to find a time to get to them this weekend when he's not paying attention. Or do you think I should ask?

Its a possibility the client paid too... but then again, doesn't usually the client get TREATED by the people they are PAYING to do their audits?

E.

I'm on the east coast and start work at 4am.

I say pay for the messages. It is a small cost to protect your peace of mind.

Try and get some rest before heading to work.

Majorly disrespectful. He knows this is an issue for you and does it anyway. That's the part that makes me want to bop him. Apparently dinner and what he was doing was more important than his wifes emotional well being????

Have you made this a boundary?? That he constantly crosses???

Wow, if that's the biggest of your problems... (I'm not trying to minimize it here, I can see how that would be a problem... but that would be a cake-walk for me... nothing to even get upset about...).

He disappears while out of town all the time, until all hours of the night. Bars, strip clubs, you name it. None of it was ever POJA'd. Never answered his cell, never called back.

I would try calling him at like midnight again one more time before bed... still no answer. Still no call.

Sorry, not trying to minimize here... and I'm glad that you have a working relationship with your W like that... and wish I did too... but getting upset over something like you described is so minimal compared to the crap he's pulled...

E.

This sounds like a conflict of interests for both companies. An auditor should be unbaised.

He traveled for his old job just about all the time, and this is the crap he'd pull, week in and week out.

He then got a new job, where he travels less. Surprisingly, this is the first time he's traveled now since he got the new job. He traveled for about 2 months straight.

He knows how I feel about him calling, and keeping in contact, and he did promise to do so.

He's not on board with MB stuff, so we don't share the MB "language" so sometimes that makes it hard. I wish he was...

This is his final night of traveling now for at least the next few months-- so maybe that's why he thought he could "get away" with it.

At the VERY least, he knows DARNED well how this makes me feel, and we've discussed it over and over. As an actual boundary, that's hard... without that shared language. Maybe I didn't make it clear enough because he promised me, and for the past 2 months, has been really good about it. Really good. And then tonight... BAM... and triggers abound...

E.

I had an EA a few years before that. She had reasons to be worried.

He does internal audit. Used to do external audit. I'm not that familiar with all of this... but, from my understanding, the internal auditor tells the company what the problems so the company has a chance to remedy them before the external auditors (goverment) comes in and they get FINED for the problems.

Although, when he had his old job as an external auditor, the same behavior happened all the time... so who knows.

Apparently this is common, from what it sounds like to me? Not just for him, but for his job in general? I dunno. I'm a scientist.

E.

He's had three. Two while out of town on business with people he met, that he admits, but changes his story about constantly and "doesn't remember" their names. And I have really high suspicions that they were more than EAs, but I can't prove that. Gut feeling.

E.

OK, I'm gonna turn back in for the next 2 hours before I have to get up again... sigh.

Thanks so much guys, honestly. I couldn't have made it through the night without the people on this board.

Any thoughts, comments, anything would be greatly apprecaited on this whole mess, even if you haven't been keeping up since 10 last night when it started and are just reading this in the morning.

I can't live like this... my god, I almost revisited my chinese dinner about 3 times over the course of tonight...

At least this is the last night of this... for a while.

E.

My W is a student majoring in Molecular Biology and Microbiology and a bunch of other stuff that I don't understand. She loves it though.

Hi eeyoree

Reading this thread carried me back to a very dark place.

I made a decision after wrenching my guts out in worry for months into recovery that I would hand over the burden of my worry over to Squid.

By this I mean that I would not suspect and snoop and worry any more: instead Squid needed to be completely transparent in activities and communication. It became a personal boundary of mine.

So one time I did exactly as you did tonight - worry and wring my heart out. Then ( and now) if Squid wants to not hurt me and wants me to remain in this marriage with her she has to pay me the consideration of making sure I am completely aware of where she is and what she is doing.

She absolutely HATED this back in the day, but she reluctantly did it.

Told me when / where / who with / what activities / what time back. Gave me names I could verify with if needs be.

Now it is just second nature for both of us to do that.

It made my life far more tolerable. I think we'd be divorced now if I had not set that personal boundary of transparency.

So Eeyoree - what are YOUR personal boundaries for your relationship with your H ?

All blessings, flower. Really.

Eeyoree,I had similar issues with my XW. Bottom line, she just didn't care about my needs in this same area (amongst many others). She was having fun and doing what she wanted to do. Family back home was not a priority. Something to maybe squeeze in when convenient.

Trust is a tough issue for anyone, much less when you have past reasons to not trust. The fact is, your DH could call you on a pee break at 9:15 pm and blow $1.68 on the call to meet your need. However, after the call, he can go do whatever he wants until whenever he wants. You'll never really know.

Tell him you will pay for his cell phone calls to you and any other calls/texts not paid for by his company. Take that issue off the table permanently.

Good luck tonight when he gets home. Not easy for you at all.

My husbands' balckberry is the hugest thorn in my side. My intestines flip around all over the place just by looking at it. Now there's a trigger for you!

It's morning now...I hope you're ok. I, too, am having gut reaction feelings today. Not good, not good. Tomorrow is my birthday and when I look back I now know he probably chatted up a storm last year on my birthday. Crap!