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#2128418 09/16/08 03:27 PM
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So when I first found out about FWH's EA, I immediately tried to contact the OW's BF through MySpace. I never got a response, and cancelled my account about a week after I sent the messages. I recently discovered his cell number (verified it was his by calling it - voicemail picked up). I tried to find an address on him (all I have is a first name and cell #, unfortunately). So instead I texted him and told him briefly about the affair and I had proof if he needs it. A few minutes later OW called me from his cell, and I hung up on her, then I get this text (supposedly from him) saying that he knows everything and to leave them alone. I said I thought he just deserved to know the truth, and I wished him the best.

Obviously I have no way of knowing it was really from him or if she's just completely blocking contact (likely). Any words of wisdom, or should I just leave well enough alone since FWH has had zero contact with her?


ETA: I was hoping I'd feel somewhat better, but all it seems to have done is re-opened what little scab had started to heal. grumble

Last edited by broken_soul; 09/16/08 03:58 PM.

Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4

His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08

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EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10


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I know a lot of people on this site will say EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE. While I am certainly NOT a Phd and I have zero formal training in the subject, I disagree that exposure is the right answer to every situation.

D-day for me was mid-June. I found this site mid-August, 2 full months later. The day after D-day my WW stopped contacting the OM. Their A was 3 - 6 weeks, pretty short. I never knew about exposure and if I found this site the next day, I would have gone that route. However, 2 months later, my WW and I were on the road to recovery. Things were going well and I had my EP's in place to make sure there was NC. The only thing exposure would have done at that time would have been to set us back or possibly ruin any chance for recovery. I don't care about OM's now ex-wife and her "right to know". That is not my concern. My concern is rebuilding a strong marriage with my wife. I don't care about revenge, OM's family, kids, job or anything else. I was on the roller coaster but once my emotions became stable, I stopped focusing on the A and started focusing on what I could control.

I posted elsewhere that exposure could ruin a recovery. If you exposed to someone like my mother, my WW would have to endure a lifetime of hearing "Oh, here is my son with his wh*re wife" and shots like that. I am not saying that my mother is right in the way she would act; she would be wrong. But she does not have the forgviveness in her that I have. After hearing that for 5 or 10 years, my WW would probably just explode or have a breakdown. Again, some people will say the WW brought it on herself. That may be true but for how long must she pay?

The bottom line is only YOU can assess your situation. Only YOU know the people involved. If EXPOSURE worked every time, broke up every affair and saved every marriage, I would agree that you should do it....but it doesn't. I do not know of any statistics being kept where exposure prevented recovery but I am sure that has happened.

Best of luck to you.


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Jim, I think you are confusing the principles behind exposure. And here are the general principles:

1. expose to selected key people in the family, friend circle, if need be, to END THE AFFAIR

2. expose to the OP's spouse in ALL cases whether the affair has ended or not

The poster is not suggesting exposure to the WS's mother, as in your analogy, but to the OP's BF. That would be a suggested practice in ALL CASES, because a) it increases the odds the affair stays ended and b) the OP spouse has a right and a need to know. It is the MORAL thing to do.

It has nothing to do with revenge, it has to do with decency. It is the right thing to do and your feelings about it are irrelevant. Nor can it ruin a recovery. A wayward who is in recovery would never resent such a thing. Only a wayward who was not in recovery would be upset about informing her victim of her actions.

Dr. Harley recommends exposure to the OP spouse in ALL CASES. It will not interfere in recovery. It will interfere with the AFFAIR. BIG DIFFERENCE.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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not exposing the affair to the other BS is a horrible thing to do. You wouldn't want to live in the dark and you shouldn't hold back the truth from a BS just because your little wifey might get mad.

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Originally Posted by CrushedJim
If EXPOSURE worked every time, broke up every affair and saved every marriage, I would agree that you should do it....but it doesn't. .

p.s. exposure DOES work everytime. Its goal is to EXPOSE the affair and put pressure on it to end. [or to inform the direct victim, the BS] It achieves that end. No one ever said it will put an immediate end to an affair or "saved a marriage," so that is a false standard you have applied yourself. What it does do is make the affair much harder to carry on. Affairs thrive on secrecy so concealing them enables them.

Dr. Harley: "exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer...."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


medc #2128568 09/16/08 08:44 PM
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I too am in angst about telling oPS about the affair because OPS is alcoholic and has a history of suicide attempts. I would not want that over my head if indeed that was a result of my information. I agree it is the moral thing to do but in this case the risk is very high that OPS will go over the edge.

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he deserves to know....period.

who gave you that tidbit of info that he is suicidal???

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Undoubtedly the affairees gave him this info. They would prefer to continue the affair, so they say that the the OM's wife is suicidal. Makes it nice and easy.

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Originally Posted by Thess
I too am in angst about telling oPS about the affair because OPS is alcoholic and has a history of suicide attempts. I would not want that over my head if indeed that was a result of my information. I agree it is the moral thing to do but in this case the risk is very high that OPS will go over the edge.

A person who is that fragile emotionally has an even greater need to know so he can protect himself from his abusive spouse. His cheating spouse is likely contributing to his shaky mental state with her abusive behavior and he won't know exaclty how until he knows the truth about his own life. He is probably wondering if he is crazy. I couldn't live with myself if I DIDN'T tell such a person.

Of course, your information about this OPS is a lie that came from liars. It is almost a rule that a WS will lie about their spouse in order to justify the affair. Lies are what liars do.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I'm really struggling here...I feel like I've been sent back to day 1 and I'm having trouble coping tonight. I have no idea if OW's BF really does know, or if she just intercepted the text. I'm guessing he saw my messages on MySpace, but I have no way of proving that, either.

I'm consumed with pain and anger tonight - at the OW and at my FWH. FWH appears to be open and transparent with everything (and I've been watching) - he doesn't know I attempted to contact the BF though.

This sucks. I'm sick of feeling this way. I wish I could close my eyes and make all this bullsh*t go away.


Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4

His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08

Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10


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Saying the OP is "suicidal" is probably meant to scare folks away from tellng the spouse in order to protect the affair. Apparently the OP was not concerned or he/she would not have the affair. And who knows the OPS best? I say if the OP is not concerned, then you shouldnt be either.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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if you have his address send him a RESTRICTED letter. Only he can sign for it.

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Originally Posted by CrushedJim
I know a lot of people on this site will say EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE. While I am certainly NOT a Phd and I have zero formal training in the subject, I disagree that exposure is the right answer to every situation.

D-day for me was mid-June. I found this site mid-August, 2 full months later. The day after D-day my WW stopped contacting the OM. Their A was 3 - 6 weeks, pretty short. I never knew about exposure and if I found this site the next day, I would have gone that route. However, 2 months later, my WW and I were on the road to recovery. Things were going well and I had my EP's in place to make sure there was NC. The only thing exposure would have done at that time would have been to set us back or possibly ruin any chance for recovery. I don't care about OM's now ex-wife and her "right to know". That is not my concern. My concern is rebuilding a strong marriage with my wife. I don't care about revenge, OM's family, kids, job or anything else. I was on the roller coaster but once my emotions became stable, I stopped focusing on the A and started focusing on what I could control.

I posted elsewhere that exposure could ruin a recovery. If you exposed to someone like my mother, my WW would have to endure a lifetime of hearing "Oh, here is my son with his wh*re wife" and shots like that. I am not saying that my mother is right in the way she would act; she would be wrong. But she does not have the forgviveness in her that I have. After hearing that for 5 or 10 years, my WW would probably just explode or have a breakdown. Again, some people will say the WW brought it on herself. That may be true but for how long must she pay?

The bottom line is only YOU can assess your situation. Only YOU know the people involved. If EXPOSURE worked every time, broke up every affair and saved every marriage, I would agree that you should do it....but it doesn't. I do not know of any statistics being kept where exposure prevented recovery but I am sure that has happened.

Best of luck to you.

That was enlightening to read. I am glad there are others out there that feel not ONE solution works for everyone.


BS: 37
FWH: 37
EA: 2 months, ending June 08
Married 7 years
4 kids (2 together)
Hoping for a Recovery
Gdar #2128948 09/17/08 12:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Gdar
That was enlightening to read. I am glad there are others out there that feel not ONE solution works for everyone.

Gdar, the "solution" of informing the betrayed spouse that their WS is having an affair DOES work for everyone. I have NEVER seen a situation where it DID NOT work. While exposure targets may be different in every case - in which exposure is necessary - exposure to the spouse or SO is always THE solution. There is no other solution and no one can rationally defend not telling the BS. That is just a cop out.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I completely appreciate your POV here. I just believe in life, there is not ONE answer, ONE solution for every situation. I learned never to say never years ago. I have not exposed to the OW's H, and unless I have reason to believe the EA is continuing (which I do not), then I won't. If they were sleeping together, or had, or the EA had been on going (it was 4-6 weeks at best), then I would have exposed. At THIS point, I do not see how ruining two families will help. Again, I WILL, if the circumstances change. Not every situation is the same.


BS: 37
FWH: 37
EA: 2 months, ending June 08
Married 7 years
4 kids (2 together)
Hoping for a Recovery
Gdar #2128958 09/17/08 12:59 PM
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Quote
I have not exposed to the OW's H, and unless I have reason to believe the EA is continuing (which I do not), then I won't.

He has the right to know what has happened or is likley still happening in his marriage. I am pretty sure if he had this info and you were clueless your opinion would differ. And since in your case they still work together it is really only a matter of time.

Last edited by chrisner; 09/17/08 01:01 PM.

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Gdar #2128969 09/17/08 01:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Gdar
I completely appreciate your POV here. I just believe in life, there is not ONE answer, ONE solution for every situation. I learned never to say never years ago. I have not exposed to the OW's H, and unless I have reason to believe the EA is continuing (which I do not), then I won't. If they were sleeping together, or had, or the EA had been on going (it was 4-6 weeks at best), then I would have exposed. At THIS point, I do not see how ruining two families will help. Again, I WILL, if the circumstances change. Not every situation is the same.

Gdar, doing nothing is not a solution; it is a weak rationalization. And sure, it is an "alternative," but it is not another solution. I can see why you are emotionally invested in defending the indefensible; this is what you have done yourself so you feel compelled to defend it altho it makes no sense.

Nor can you rationalize doing nothing by saying you will "ruin 2 families." That is not logical. It is the AFFAIR that harms the families, not the knowledge of the affair. Knowledge of the affair would give the participants what they need to solve the problem and take steps to protect themselves.

If my bookkeeper is embezzling money from me, it is not the TELLING that harms me, but the STEALING. Knowing the truth enables me to protect myself.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You have no reason to say I have done nothing, just because the one thing I havent done is expose. I have done plenty, just left this out. You are trying to tell me what I have and havent done and that I will fail.


BS: 37
FWH: 37
EA: 2 months, ending June 08
Married 7 years
4 kids (2 together)
Hoping for a Recovery
Gdar #2128982 09/17/08 01:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Gdar
You have no reason to say I have done nothing, just because the one thing I havent done is expose.

When I say you have done nothing, I am referring to exposure to the OWH. We are talking about exposure to the OP spouse.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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WOW....just....WOW.

OW BF just called me. He saw my number on his phone and didn't know who I was - so I told him everything. He said he had known, but wanted to hear from me what I knew. He was SO nice and thanked me for telling him. I told him I felt he had a right to know the type of person he was involved with, because she KNEW my husband was married and had children. He said "I appreciate that - it looks like I may be getting taken for a ride here." He promised to let me know if he saw any signs of contact being made, and I promised to do the same. I told him I wouldn't bother him otherwise, but he was free to contact me at any time if he had more questions, wanted to talk, etc.

A HUGE weight has been lifted.


Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4

His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08

Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10


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