Little Bill Daggett: "Look son, being a good shot, being quick with a pistol, that don't do no harm, but it don't mean much next to being cool-headed. A man who will keep his head and not get rattled under fire, like as not, he'll kill ya. It ain't so easy to shoot a man anyhow, especially if the son-of-a-[censored] is shootin' back at you." (From Unforgiven)

Chrisner for Hired Gun Intermediary

It's good for you to recognize this, SD.

Your work to recover your M and to maintain your love for the SCQ through all of this has been down right amazing, but not even Superman could carry that load forever.

I find my dilemma is I'm praying daily for my marriage to be restored and its hard to then switch to a mode of forgetting about my WH.I feel if I truely let go of WH and mentally moved on...how can I be sincere in praying for my marriage to be restored?

Does this make sense? Its a spiritual and mental battle for me ....

*hangs head in shame*

Dangit.. I -know- that... It's been a rough morning a'ight?

[Napoleon]
GOSH!
[/Napoleon]

Wow.. must be something in the air..

I was looking at the new 'family' photo I've put up in the living room.. it's just me, DS, and DD.. and we look happy. DS is practically beaming through the glass at me.. and I thought to myself possibly for the first time in all of this 'Yanno self.. that right there is a family... and one you can be happy with.'

And it got me to thinking..

I was pretty well off as a single guy with a daughter when I met WW.. sharing a house with a good friend and his son, driving a SCHUWEET car.. gigging with the band and playing some pretty major shows..

I was happy...

As blissful as I thought I was when I met WW.. things immediately changed.. I no longer had a surplus of funds for things because I was 'entertaining' and dating and such... she was pretty much broke so I always paid.. we moved in together and had 1 month of combined income before DS was born... then it was just me supporting a family of 5 on an increasingly thin salary considering with the move it was now an hour and a half to and from work rather than 20 minutes.

So when it came time for WW to go back to work.. she put out a few token applications but whinged and complained that w/o a college degree she may as well stay home because her job would basically pay for daycare and that was it.. So... we encouraged her to go to school..

A year and a half to complete a 2 year degree.. graduated with 3.86 GPA.. smart smart woman.. we were all so proud.. and she immediately picks up a job and we start looking for a house..

I lose my job 2 months later, only to end up in a new situation, closer to home and making twice what I was making before.. she lands at the law office and suddenly we're on track to be off the debt hook within 5 years..

Less than a year later.. *poof*.. and if I thought we were in dire financial straits before.. just look where we are now.

You know... honestly.. WW has been a real drag and a great cause of stress for me.. from worrying about how to cover bills, to making sure the kids had nice clothes and the essentials..

And yanno what else? Once the D is final... a majority of that stress can be let go..

I almost look forward to it..

I won't have had this little stress in my life in over 5 years..

I think you are right, James, SOMETHING must be in the air.

I was sitting at the kitchen table doing homework last night. DDs had gone to bed. The house was quiet and calm at 10:30pm. A lamp was putting out a soft light and candles provided the smell of Cinnabuns - the smell of dinner slowly dissipating.

And my thoughts turned to HIM.

Thinking how long it has been since he sat at our table with the family, eating dinner and teasing. How long it has been since a kind word was spoken between the two of us. How long it has been since we had those quiet moments after DDs had gone to bed. How long it has been since he stood right THERE in our house.

Almost bringing myself to tears again.

Realistically, I know that it was just not that great with us. My mind grabs onto those little moments that I remember. The few and far between ones. The ones that made up for all the crappy treatment in between. I was willing to accept so little from him.

I had my memory stick in my laptop and on that I have my postings from here. I reread just before my plan B started and awhile after that. I remember how tormented we both were.

Looking back, I can literally see his anguish. And see how close he was to returning.

It made me want to reach out to him again. To that wounded soul that was so lost. To see if he is still out there.

But I cannot and I will not. My REAL H is dead, only WxH exists now.

It's worse than a death. With death you can always wish for one more day. You know it can never happen, but you can imagine all the wonderful things you would do if you had just one more day with your loved one.

With infidelity, you wish for that one more day. The one more day to make it right and do the best you can do - one more day to love like you have never loved before.

Acceptance that this will never happen is hard to achieve as your loved one still exists. Your brain repeats: It COULD happen........if you just hang on long enough......if you want it bad enough.

It's grief, just as in a death. But unlike the finality of death, hope remains in this situation. It's the hope that prolongs the grief.

Even after all this time and all the bull......I still want to know that he does not hate me and does not REALLY believe all those things he said. I want to believe that he still can be a decent man and love his daughters and treat them well.

I, too, am almost better off financially than when we were together. It's easier to have a budget when you are the only one responsible for it and there isn't another person out spending in different areas.

Our lives will improve and it won't always be about THIS. D does help, but it doesn't demolish those feelings.

Time....good old father time will continue to work his magic.

Hang in there and breathe, sdguy.

Fox

Well....


yep....and the battle goes on...for some time... or NONE of us would be here...this long!:RollieEyes:

The SCQ's predictable gobbledygook response:


and my reply:

My lawyer called me and told me her lawyer will be making the changes. The end is near.

Yes. All of that, Foxy. You nailed it. And you can see that I still reach out from time to time, but I'm pretty sure that Jennifer would be proud.

Absolutely, hopenpray. I have struggled with that from the beginning. How to Let Go without Giving Up or Being Done.

Oh, good. The first couple of tracks I pulled up on ITunes were vocal, and, um, weren't my thing. Orchestral is better.

AN end is near. A new beginning as well.


Much better.

So true. Thanks, coach.

Yup. That's where I be. On to the new beginning...

Hows this for my first try:



Sippy Cup Queen,

As SD’s new intermediary I have determined to forward to SD the following edited version of your whining tripe. I believe this edited version more succinctly captures the real value of this communication.


The house sale was in there because you hadn't refinanced from the lawyers point of view. What if you hadn't been approved which is possible in this market. But there is also language in there that says if you get the refinance done then the sale isn't relevant.

Nothing in your changes changes what was in the prelim document that you agreed to. What was new in the MSA? Those things weren't mentioned in your return comments

The prelim doc as you say was done on 6/9. It is now 3 months longer. If you get this signed and finalized you will only have to deal with me for children things and all of this other stuff goes away. This has taken almost 2 years to complete when really it should have done in less than 1 year.

It seems that the only way you do something is to be pestered. Why prolong this.

Thank you, and I really look forward to your next spiteful, patronizing diatribe to share with my friends at the bar. They have become real fans! Sorry about your phone number getting Sharpied above the urinal along with the message about your ummmm……..special services and ur…….techniques.

Until next time,

Chrisner

I give that first try a 9.95

I had to deduct marks for "patronizing diatribe". Although I personally LOVE that phrase, I am concerned that use of large words may further confuse the SCQ at this point in time.

I think it was concise, to the point, will have maximum desired effect

AND

all my girls at the bar will think it's VERY funny!

Oh no, I think it's much better to at least have a moment when she has to tilt her head like Pete the Pup with that WTF??? look.

:crosseyedcrazy: :crosseyedcrazy: :crosseyedcrazy: :crosseyedcrazy: :crosseyedcrazy: :crosseyedcrazy: :crosseyedcrazy: :crosseyedcrazy: :crosseyedcrazy: :crosseyedcrazy: :crosseyedcrazy: :crosseyedcrazy: :crosseyedcrazy: :crosseyedcrazy: :crosseyedcrazy: :crosseyedcrazy:

Point taken.

I revise my score to a perfect 10!

Especially now that I have visions of her scrambling to find a dictionary.

I have visions of the movie "Clueless" where Cher makes a point of teaching her friend a new word every day out of the dictionary that they have to find ways to use in conversation!

You get the job. That's pretty much what I thought of her email, although it still kept me awake for a while last night.

Fox said this on her thread:

When it happens to the SCQ, she will be left with nothing. She has invested everything in POSOM. She has no friends, her family is largely worthless.

The thought tickling the back of my head "Why do I want to pick up that burden again?"

You don't.

As I read again what I wrote in my quote above, I had a bit of a light bulb go on - lit by Bugs reply to me on my thread.

Drac's A DID end.....and she is still as confused as the rest of us. (correct me if I am wrong, Bugs)

Rock bottom isn't one moment in time. It, too, is a marathon. They will struggle, they will reach for justifications, they could get WORSE as reality hits them.

Some will use that as a reason to reflect on themselves and identify THEIR part in it, take that opportunity to change and to grow.

Others will flail and thrash and REFUSE to take responsibility, continuing to blame everyone else for their lives.

I think sometimes I expect when WxH A ends that it will be like a snap of the fingers and he will recognize what he as done - and quickly move to make it all right.

I think it dawns slowly........and when they finally realize what they have done, it takes a long time for them to educate themselves enough to know what they need to do to heal themselves - and then to look outside of themselves to heal others.

Fox

SL is probably jumping up and down right now. This is the Z.

And when I think about it this way (and I think you are right), I think that I should view this whole thing as a Giant Get Out of Jail Free card. Do I think that the SCQ has any interest whatsoever in the kind of introspection needed to recover from what she has done? Or an ability to do so even if she wanted to? The answer is no. She would much rather keep her head in the sand and wish everything to be "fine." I suspect that this is why she is holding on so tightly to her justifications/choices.

Gotta run. My Developing Institutional Endeavors to Perfect Organizational Solutions Over Management meeting starts in a few.