Confoozed,

Let me say this about your narcissistic condesceding attitude.



Hopefully, some day, a light bulb will go off in your head. In the meantime, I will not talk to a WH who cleaverly has a way to explain his choice to Betray his familiy, as Karma, or some other such noncense.

Happy Trials to you.

All Blessings,
Jerry

ps; good luck being a REAL MAN!!!!

Is your adultery partner married?

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Thanks dude. You obviously have life all figured out. Good on ya.

My EX-friend, Theresa, divorced her husband of 35 years for a married man with 2 little children. She was a SAHM and she gave up her marriage, her beautiful home, her children, her grandchildren. She is not welcome in her grown childrens homes and she is not allowed to visit her own grandchildren. Her friends dumped her. Her reputation is ruined.

Six months after her divorce was final, the OM DUMPED HER when the affair crumbled. She lost everything. Her H has remarried now and is very happy. Her children despise her and she now works 2 jobs to support herself.

The above scenario is the rule rather than the exception. Affairs rarely last.

She was married 10 years when we started the affair, but left her husband about four months into it. She said she couldn't stand the guilt and later, much later, confessed that she left for me and some slim hope that we might one day have a future together. I never led her on in that direction, but she held out hope all the same. She's now divorced and was very lonely even when we had our relationship. She's even lonelier now. And I feel guilty about that, too.

I hope this helps you. I have been in your shoes and I want to share with you. I have never posted here but I read alot. Most of the people here are not very FRIENDLY to those of us who are cheaters. LOL I have been the cheater and the one cheated on so I feel like I can relate to all here. About 10 years ago my H had an affair with my best friend. I found out and was devasted. He, to my knowledge, never looked back after it was discovered. He quit his job (they worked together), He had NC with her again, and we moved from the area. We worked hard to recover but I know now that I never really got over it. I just wanted things to be normal sooo bad that I just MOVED ON. Then almost 5 years later I had an affair with a man I worked with. It only lasted about 4 months but it was intense, passionate, and I was totally in love with him. H and I have two teenagers. Our marriage has never been bad, we are best friends, but like you H never really ROCKED MY WORLD. I had connected with this OM like I had never connected with anyone before. When my husband found out he immediately left, filed for divorce. We spent the next month in a very vicious seperation. Our children were devasted. He begged me to agree to work it out but I was convinced that I wanted a divorce and to be with this OM. After about a month I went to my H to tell him that I was not willing to work it out and that there was no way we would ever reconcile. When I opened my mouth to say it, what came out was "I will do anything i can to work this out with you." I can only say that it was a Godly intervention. I am positive that it was God saying that. I was not IN LOVE with my H but realized how bad my children were hurting and actually went back for them. I did not want to cause them to come from a broken home. For a while I was in a fog. I went to work, came home, took care of kids, cleaned the house, etc..... I was going through the motions. I missed the OM like I never expected. I was addicted. People that say that an affair is a drug....it is. I was addicted to how it made me feel. My H knew that but never really said anything but kept on trying to make it work. It took me about a year before those feelings let up. It got easier and easier to do my daily tasks. My marriage is NOT PERFECT. We still don't set the woods on fire sexually but we have a GOOD Marriage. As I get older (Im 41) I realize how important other things are (don't get me wrong, sex is important) but its not the MOST important part. I finally decided to take advice given and give everything I have to my H and I am so glad I did. I finally realized how shaded my opinion of the OM was and how I almost threw away everything that was important to me for something I did not know. Please realize that those feelings will pass if you will let go. The feelings for your wife will never be the same if you continue to let the OW be a possibility. I hope this helps

confused, I know there is alot of noise here, but can you please read my posts and let me know your thoughts? I really think we can help you here.

wifeofacoach, can you please cut your post up in paragraphs? It is very hard to read like that. thanks!

Jerry spoke his truth dude. You have no idea what he has been put through at the hands of a adulterous spouse. I wish you could truly feel it for one day and then your attitude would change. Particularly Jerry's case.

Do you know what you put your wife through? You need to read around here about the damage and toll adultery take on betrayed spouses. Some experts say the experience for most woman is the same as if they had been raped. Raped Dude!

There has been a lot said about you, and your quest for happiness. What about what you chose to do to your wife and family? Ever think about them?

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wifeofacoach, it does help. A lot. Thank you.

One of the things I've been looking for is some perspective from someone who has been there, done that -- someone who has made a choice and not regreted it.

People who have been on the other side come at it from a different perspective. And folks, don't take offence at that, your advice and thoughts are appreciated. It's actually helpful to hear all kinds of perspectives.

I want to stay with my wife and family. I want to leave the OW for good and get over all thoughts of her. I just want to know that it can be done and that I'm not making a mistake. Again.

p.s. folks, the reaction you are getting is a pretty standard reaction to active adultery, betrayed spouse or not. It outrages people because it is such an act of cruelty. I hope you understand that you are not going to get awards and praises for cheating. Contempt is a job hazard that comes with cheating and the things they say are mostly true if you really think about it.

As a recovering alcoholic, I have heard some pretty nasty things about drunks. It bothered me greatly until I got honest with myself and admitted the smears were mostly true. So, please suck it up like I did and focus on solving the problem. People will respect you for that. There are many folks here who will help you.

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My apologies.

You're right, the thrust of my posts have all been about me. I don't know firsthand what my wife has gone through and is going through, but I do know it's hell, and I do know I can never make it up to her. So, yes, I think about my wife and I think about my kids. That's what tortures me.

Again, my apologies for my insensitivity. You folks have been very thoughtful and considerate in your advice. I appreciate it.

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I know what I did was cruel and I know I deserve your contempt. I'm happy to take it along with your advice and thoughts.

Did you read my previous posts about a plan of recovery? Would you mind reading them and answering my questions?

And confoozed, I have utter contempt for adulterers and all the cruel things they do, but I have nothing but admiration for folks who RIGHT THAT WRONG. I can see that you are here to RIGHT THAT WRONG. You are confused, but you are SINCERE. That tells me much about you, friend.

We came through it.

It takes willingness to change (for both BS and WS) and a whole lot of spleen.

Again, respectfully, I see it differently.

Maybe you're right, you can't make it up...

(that's an "iffy maybe" btw)

But you can make it loads and loads better.

BTW:

Are you here to work on yourself and your marriage?

Is that what I'm reading?

Or are you looking for your "out?"

We'll keep posting if it's the former...and I'm sorry if I've missed it...but if it's the latter, I've got nothing but a TTFN till you're ready to make the plunge.

Jerry:

If you read further, you'll see he apologized 2 you.

-ol' 2long

Have you ever really imagined how if would make you feel, what it would be like, when your wife has another man making love to her...someone who might essentially take your place in your home should you leave her for the OW? I doubt she'd be alone very long if she is as you described. She sounds like quite a catch.

I doubt your kids would ever accept the OW knowing it is she that contributed to your divorce. They would lose respect for you and it would be difficult to regain their respect and admiration. Think of the examples you've been setting for your kids as to what it is to be a husband and father.

My husband felt as you did for an OW. She also divorced her H. My H moved in with her and her kids for a couple of months. Reality set in and the affair ended. Our kids played a part in his decision to recover our marriage. Working or our marriage took lots of commitment and work but have a better marriage than per-A. He has restored our kid's faith in him.

I strongly encourage you to watch this video clip: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6806_inf.html

THIS is what you have done to your wife. You have completely devastated her. You've scarred her for life (whether you two work it out or not).

As has been said, you are going through withdrawal. Of course the OW seems more wonderful, more intriguing than your wife. You haven't seen her at her worst - crusty nose, red eyes, head in the toilet from the flu. You haven't watched her through a pregnancy - the hemorrhoids, the heartburn, the hormonal rollercoaster. She's been on her best behavior for you, as you have her. YOU HAVE BEEN LIVING A FANTASY. True, long-lasting love is built on all of those experiences - the good AND the bad, not on the fantasy you've been living with the OW. Like a previous poster said - if she'll do it WITH you, she'll do it TO you.