Confoozed, you have 3 choices.

1. Dump your wife completely for the other woman.

Ultimate result = New relationship will last 6 months to 5 years, but will ultimatly fail horabbly. Ex-Wife will hate you, childrene will resent you. You will realize what a mistake you made, but it will be far to late. YOU will be misserable for a long, long time.



2. You do nothing, keep trying to have both women.

Ultimate result = You loose both. Same as above for wife and kids, and YOU still get to be misserable for a long, long time.




3. You drop the other woman 100% totaly, never have any contact with her again ever, and try to repair your mairrage.

Ultimate result = Once your addiction passes (2-months to 1 year) you start to realise what a mistake you maid. You start letting your wife back into your heart, and start really trying to save your marriage. It's hard for both of you at first, but it gets esier. Then one day, about 2 years from now, you realize somthing...... Not only do you love your wife but....OMG, your IN love with your wife!!!!! You end up with a good marriage, a wife who loves you and childrene who adore you.



If it where me, I would choose option #3.
Then again, my wayward wife once told me that "Playing it safe" was one of my problems.

Confoozed,

Mel gave you the stats on option #1. The problem with the stats is that 99% of waywards think that they are in the 3% of affairs that last forever. Their As are "different." Uh-huh.....

Question Confoosed

Are you a religiouse man?

Confoozed,


I am a FWW and wanted to add my opinion, if you don't mind.

I think you should really look at your 2 options here. Your wife or your mistress.

First, there is your wife. A woman who has given you what, at least 3 chances for no other reason than her unselfish love for you and your children. A woman who is destroyed on the inside, walking around all day with this nightmare playing over and over again in her head with no relief from it. When she is awake, the nightmare is playing. When she is asleep, if she can get to sleep, the nightmare is playing. She is bombarded with continued questions. Is he thinking about her...Is she prettier than me...Is she better in bed then me...What could I have done differently...How am I to blame for his actions...Did he touch her this way or say the same things he says to me...Is he comparing me to her...Does he love her more than he loves me...Will I ever be good enough, pretty enough, fun enough, interesting enough for him...Why wasn't I enough! And let's not forget all the physical symptoms of infidelity...exhaustion, unable to eat, unable to sleep, stomach aches, headaches, nausea.

No, she takes all of that on to give you yet another chance. She is fighting not for herself, but for you and your marriage and your family...for all the promises you made to each other and to your children. She does this because she knows the man you really are deep down inside. She believes in you and your marriage.

Your wife is willing to risk the chance of sacrificing herself to help you get back to that man she married...that man worthy of her...the father of her children. She is willing to go through the heartache and pain of reconciliation for you.

She is not only showing you but giving you unselfish love, which may end up costing her even more than she has already paid.

And then you have your mistress. A woman who has encouraged you to destroy your marriage, your family and your children. She has enabled you to turn your wife's life upside down and your children's life upside down. She thinks it is fine that you lie and betray those who love you.

And do you think that is because she loves you? No, it is because she wants what she wants and to heck with everyone else. Obviously, she doesn't care what happens to your wife, but here is the kicker...she really doesn't care what this does to your children either. Oh yes, she can say she cares about your kids, but if she really did, she would NOT participate in the destruction of their home, their family, their safe place, their lives.

Look at yourself. You are beaten down with guilt about what you are doing to your wife and children. You are drowning in shame and confusion because of what you did and what you are still doing. And your mistress and her love for you continues to enable you with that. She doesn't care what you are going through, as long as she gets what she wants. Hey, it's all good in the end, right? It doesn't matter who is hurt, who is destroyed, just as long as she gets her man in the end. At least she will be happy...for little bit.

Think long and hard about this confoozed. Think about what is important. Think about the man you want to face in the mirror everyday. Think about the example you want to set for your children. Think about the woman who is willing to give unselfishly to you because she truly loves you.

I know how hard it is to face yourself and those you have hurt. Reconciliation isn't easy, but the things in life truly worth fighting for usually aren't. But at the end of the day, man will you be so thankful that you were brave enough, selfless enough to give it your all.

Here's your chance to be the hero. Here's your chance to fight for your wife and your children. Slay your dragons and show your family just how important they are to you.

As for the love you have for your wife and what you feel is lacking, I'll let you in on a little secret I learned right here on MB. When you make your love about her and less about you, boy does it come back to you full force. When I stopped focusing on what I was missing in my marriage and started focusing on what my H was missing and needing, all I can say is WOW.

And I'll be honest, it wasn't easy at first. I was still in that what about me stage. Why should I do this and that when I'm not getting that and this? But the more I gave to my H, the more he started giving to me. The more love I gave him, the more love he gave me.

If you want a marriage full of sparks and laughter and love, then you have to step up to the plate and start creating that marriage. Waiting around for it to just happen will only get you a lot of waiting around. Go out and get it. MB is a place full of ideas to help you with that.

You can do this, all you have to do is believe in yourself.

Confuzed:

Just go back to your W.

You know you should, and you KNOW its the right thing to do.

So, your thinking about the "what could have beens" and "what was'es" with your Affair partner.

Been There, Done That, gave my BW a horrible T-shirt. My A lasted 4.5 years. Yours was discovered after 1 year, but you couldn't make up your mind. I did on D-day. I went back home. I was ready to, had been. But I couldn't find the way to STOP what I was doing. And then my W found this site, and told me about it. I read and read, and everything became clear. I ended it with OW and then she called my W and told her "You don't deserve him!"

OW was right. My wife didn't deserve the lying, cheating, free-loading man that I had become. OW did. But my wonderful W didn't deserve me, she deserved so much better.

That was 3.2 years ago.

It was rough at first, and I pined for OW as well. But those thoughts faded. And Flamingo and I worked on OUR marriage. We read the Harley books, we went to the Marriage Builders weekend, and we changed. I changed alot, needless to say, learning about EN's and how they create a marriage enviornment that if not recognized pushes partners apart. Flamingo recognized her lovebusting and angry outburst behaviors as well. We WORKED HARD.

Now, we are in a passionate, fulfilling relationship that is better than at any time in our marriage. We can talk about issues, and things that we could never do before. THey would dissolve into arguements that were never resolved, or huge resentments would start to build and explode. She is happy to see me, as well as I'm happy to see her.

It was choice that started with me going NC from the start, You can still do this. But YOU HAVE TO DO IT.

NC. And your thoughts of OW? They will pass. They all do. You forgot about the other girls in highschool, you will forget OW as well.

Book the next Marriage Builders Weekend. Think its too expensive? What do you think a divorce will cost? 4-5 times that amount, is cash, and no estimate of the emotional toll that it will take on your family.

LG

Confused,

I won't lie to you, leaving the OW for good will hurt like H@ll.
You will ache for the OW and will probably do so for quite some time.

Your feelings, the euphoria for the OW, will fade with time regardless if you leave her or stay with her. She is just a normal flawed woman and eventually you will see that.

The advantage of staying with your wife is that you are over that early dating euphoria and you still see a fine and decent woman. What will you see when the flaws in the OW are no longer masked by the brain chemicals of infatuation?

I'm a child of divorce and I cannot begin to describe to you how that made me feel as a child. Words like "worthless", "disposable", "unloveable" cannot begin to relate the feelings. Don't do that to your kids. Please.

CN

con, as a FWW let me paint my A picture for you...

I met OM in Sept 98 .. nothing but EA at that point. Why did I have it... Because there was this excitement that vanished with DH and I. The A gave me a high that I was on cloud 9. Felt like a druggie needing that fix and when he got it how wonderful and relaxed he felt afterwards. That is what it was. A high. I moved in with OM Oct 98 went PA that month. Things were great the first few months (I thought then but now it was horrible). Heck I had a job he had one at first and things were getting paid etc... Then reality set in. He didnt pay his share of things, He started to be degrading *he was always like that to DH, I guess I started to WAKE up during the A when he started to be like that in general* Things started to turn sour. Typical A setting. The honeymoon so to say ended. The A ended. I wanted out badly.

I cant speak for my DH but here is what he went thru during my A.
He was broken. I broke him. We fought non stop it seemed. OM would degrade him while I tried to talk to him. When OM wasnt around we talked civil. When OM was around the ugly side of me escaped. If it wasnt for his friend with him my DH probally wouldnt be here. He came that close to taking his life. He lost weight and tried to be happy but was never fully happy. He cut me off for 2 wks even communication. I tore a decent guys life up. Thankfully we are beyond that hurt and pain we caused to each other.

This OW to you is a drug. If you have stopped all communication with her at this time and it has been a few wks. Then its called withdraw. You will feel that way for a bit and maybe every so often eventually you wont have the OW on your mind at all. Yes you need to tell you BW because it is being honest and two you need her support. She has ever right to be upset and hurt and angry by your actions. She has ever right to not trust you.

She loves you. She has taken you back not once not twice but three times. She wants you. I suggest you be open and honest with her. Be and open book. Give her all your passwords to all your accts online access to cell phone if you have one etc... If she asks you where you are going as if you were a child she has the right to know to gain that trust back. I also suggest to get the SAA book for her to read and HNHN for you to read along with her. This will help you fall back in love with your BW. Please take in everything that everyone is posting to you. We are here to help.

Give us an update soon.

Look up limerence.

confuzed, the important points to understand are:

1. you CAN fall in love with your wife and feel the same passionate feelings for her if you follow this program

2. your affair won't last. it will crumble, so any sacrifice of your children, marriage, reputation will be for naught.

There are very practical reasons to end your affair and pursue your marriage. The happiness you want CAN BE found in your marriage, it cannot be sustained in the affair.

It is a good idea, when you post regarding your situation that you stick to this thread. Doing so will help those members who post to you to have a base of reference from which to draw as they seek the best ways to be of help to you. It will also serve you so that in time you will be able to see how far you've come in your journey.

The OW is nothing more than a feeling of lust. Research it. Brain chemistry and all. You're being taken for a ride. You're better than that.

Kick the habit and own up to your own wonderful kids. And your wife.

I don't think Con had it in him to fix anything.

(sigh)

the name "con" is correct

Let me guess. Another reincarnation of our favorite stalker?

Eh.

Who cares, PM.

What have WE lost?

We did what we were SUPPOSED to do.

WE are not the chumps or bad guys if it is a stalker.

Kindness counts.

Kindness without expectation of reciprocation counts double.

(I'm trying to live by that again...)

Confuzed:
I am new here and can only add this for your consideration:

If you would have asked me several months ago this question: "If you found out that your wife was having an A, what would you do?"
I would have responded, "my wife would never do that, we have a happy marriage. BUT, if she did, she'd be gone for good!"

NOW READ THIS and THINK! Almost 7 weeks ago, my wife left our home for another man.
We have had some good conversations, etc...but at this time I have taken and done most of the advice given me here. She still continues with the OM. My oh my how I have felt for the last 7 weeks. My children are starting to hate their mother, I not only have lost my wife, but the family grief is another emotion that I have to face daily.

So....ask yourself this question: WHAT IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED IN YOUR LIFE? What would you do? Fight like your wife is, or run like you thinking about?

I needed to t/j here for a moment.

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for so eloquently writing what I cannot say to my WH. I sent him your whole post to read, because these are things that I want to tell him, but I cannot force the words from my lips. You post made me cry because it's so true and so accurate...so again, thank you.

/tj

Ditto that. Rubydoo should post a lot more often.