OK guys I must be a good friend to listen to everyone elses issues but this one perplexes me.... give me some advice for this friend...

I have a male friend...6 years ago he was diagnosed with cancer...he underwent chemo and a transplant and was blessed with clean scans afterward. His at the time girlfriend stayed with him...they developed a more of a patient and nurse relationship. Afterward they got married. He feels now that it was a wow I survived lets get married I don't want to wait life crisis thing. The marriage was never close. They had SEVERE communication issues. There fighting grew worse and worse. Eventually out of a want to shake things up (per his therepist) he made the mistake of cheating on his wife. They went to therapy for 2 years but nothing got better. Eventually he moved out. Things did not get better and he decided they were better friends instead of lovers and after a year and a half seperation decided he wanted a divorce. 3 months later he met a woman who has been everything he ever wanted....he has stayed by her and they even live together now. He wants to marry her and have a life with her. He has told me he communicates better with her. He isn't scared to talk about what he's feelng with her and she listens and doesn't get angry with him.

The problem remains that he is still married. He agreed with his ex wife that he would help to finish paying off some mutual bills before filing the papers. But it seems she keeps finding things to add on to his name from a dog that was hit by a car (it was fine tho nothing broken)(his girlfriend was furious when she called asking his info to give to the vet as the dog isn't even his) and then she keeps adding medical issues she needs to get treated....this has caused some issues between him and his girlfriend. For the most part tho they have a great relationship and really communicate about things and work it out. She has been great for him and we all love her....How would you all suggest I advise him on this issue?

One does not date if he is married. Unless with his own wife.

No, ifs, ands, or buts. He has created his own problems. Also tell him to think with the big head then he will have less problems.

wow thats thinking outside the box....but it won't help the current situation....i am one of a large group of friends witness to this whole issue...there has not been a marriage for 2 years now.....he has wanted to file...he's been ready to file...but he's such a nice guy he gives in to his ex-wife's (we all consider her that)demands and want him to be happy. His girlfriend and him have been together for a year and she has really helped build his strength back up. He finally stands up to his ex now at times (even when she is screaming at him). But he still feels like he owes her something and has oblidged (sp?) to assist her. He has been going to therapy to help his self esteem and all of us have been working to encourage him. This change has been good for him and we all have seen our friend blossom for the better.

look dont get me wrong I do not approve of infidelity...when it happened years ago I was the first one to give him hell. I have seen him take every avenue to see if his marriage would work...I found out things about his wife I did not know...none of us knew...and a dark side of her that even I approached her about because i saw what it was doing to our friend. Eventually she went off to Vegas and came back also thinking divorce was a good idea...somehow in vegas she learned about "single life" and was ok with it.

For years we all have seen him suffer with this...and to finally see our friend happy....is a really good thing.

Ok is he waiting for the wifes permission to file for divorce? I think he can do that by himself with a lawyer.

Does he feel that he owes the wife something for being there with him through the cancer and treatments? She chose to be there he owes her nothing.

He needs to just file and be done with it or he might lose the girlfriend too!! From a BS's point that's kind of funny, sorry!

Dawn

Legally your friend is married-no matter what kind of wife she is.

If he feels obligated to his wife in some way, he can show his willingness to support her legally in his divorce settlement. So what if she keeps adding things about medical this and that. If he really wants a divorce because he is so set on being with his girlfriend then he would pursue it.

There's really nothing that is stopping him but his own...guilt???

He needs to put his big boy pants on and figure out how he is going to deal with this mess he created. He could go back to his wife. He could stand up to her. Maybe he feels eternally indebted to her. But, if he wants to no longer be married to her, he needs to file for a divorce and put down on paper what he will and will not be responsible for.

She is using him. He is enabling it. This is a cycke that will be never-ending unless someone intentionally changes it.

If the dog isn't his, he could have contacted the vet after realizing what she was trying to pull.

If I was the girlfriend and he wouldn't end the marriage to the wife, I'd give him his walking papers. Maybe she likes being an OW. Maybe he likes being an adulterer. Some people are just not all right in the head. Do you see the sickness in what is going on?

The bottom line is that your friend needs to get divorced. Otherwise this is going to continue to bother his girlfriend. Continuing to let his 'ex' control his life is not good for anyone, so he needs to stand up for himself and get it over with. Take it from me, being a 'nice guy' can really be a bad thing.

It sounds to me like you may be the girlfriend. Are you the new girlfriend?

Then stop looking. It's not your business anyway. It's his mess, let him clean it up and refuse to hear another word about it. I'm sure the rest of your large group feels the same.

Sorry for the late reply I was on a nice long vacation out of the country. It's nice not having a cell phone attatched or a computer.....just nice beaches and beautiful sights.

Anyways to answer the question that have been ask and acusations made. No I am not the new girlfriend I am the bestfriends girlfriend and long time friend of said individual. As for the large group of friends we all feel the same. we are all a close knit family of friends. His father he doesn't speak to after his parents divorce and his mother after 15 years is still not moving on from said divorce...he and his sister try to steer clear from them both as they bring nothing but drama up. His sister is not only in school but a single mom who hardley even has time for herself. To us he and his significant other are family so it is our business. WE have personally seen him through alot...including cancer. I have seen many instances were family members come here for advice for there loved ones.

It is a shame that I as a long time member come here to get advice to help a family member and I feel like I am attacked.

As to the situation it has been handled....he discussed things with his soon to be ex wife. Yes I said soon to be THEY BOTH agreed to the divorce and have been dividing property and dividing bills and have already gotten a para-legal to help them complete the paper work. He is truly devoted to his girlfriend and they are an awesome match and we all love her....it is good to see him so happy.

when you learned of the affair did you make sure the BW knew about it immediately???

Did you end all contact with your adulterous friend until he stopped his horrid behavior???

See, IMHO, you should NOPT associate with adulterers.

see, IMHO, since you have been a cheater yourself, you should be doubly disgusted with this type of behavior and have ZERO tolerance for it.

we all found out at the same time including the wife. Before he cheated we (meaning his bestfriend and I) were constant referee's for arguments between the 2. We told them to seek marriage counceling which they did. We always wondered why they got married because it never looked from the outside to be a marriage. It was more like for convienece and a rash decision because he was facing death. Honestly I don't think he wanted to be alone if he died. Even while he was sick it seemed to be a patient and nurse roll.

While I did not agree with what happened my boyfriend is his bestfriend and they grew up together. You were not there when I found out what he had did and his bestfriend and I gave him hell and it took awhile...then being family came together to try to help in a time of need. You don't abandon family. You may not agree with them but you can try to assist them in finding the right path again.

We assisted in trying to find a solution and possibly assist in fixing the problem. He took our advice and sought out individual counceling. He did alot of work on himself. He and his at the time wife had alot of discussions and she herself found out alot about herself. She has even come to say they got married too soon. She believes that was a major problem. She also has been seeing someone else.

I don't want to argue with people about this i know alot of people here have been hurt and have judgments all there own. Both parties in this have decided on a mutual divorce as they have gone many routes to fixing it and nothing has worked. They have both seen what is best for each other and agreed on a course of action. So before we disect this to death can we agree to disagree before this argument goes southward.

I am and must never be the judge.

But a real man breaks one commitment before starting the next.

The double life side of things can get a lot messed up.

I'm sure you know all about that as you found it neccessary to help a man cheat on his wife. Then you come here into the general II section to say goodbye to said man. yes I read your other thread. Haven't you cause enought pain. Get the hint he told you goodbye so show some dignity and respect for yourself. Stop pinning like a worthless being and move on. Find a SINGLE man.

Do yourself a favor don't post to me this thread has been a dead subject until you had to do something to cause drama and dredge it up. MODS can you either lock or delete this thread please.