So.......

My WW called my cell phone twice, sent me two emails, and left a message on my office phone. I was at the Gym when she called and emailed so I didn't talk to her. (And I'm Glad)

She wants to sit down and discuss the terms of a divorce. She said that if she doesn't hear back from me she'll go ahead and file for a divorce.

I didn't answer her.

I'm getting caught up still and wanted to comment on the prayer thing. I'm admittedly much less devout than some around here, but I find the serenity prayer to be of most value to betrayed spouses.

God grant me

Serenity

To accept the things I cannot change

Courage

to change the gthings I can, and

Wisdom

to know the difference.

I'll have to think about the divorce invitation. Are you ready? Is it a foregone conclusion that it will happen? If so, and you think that you can get a better deal by working with her, you might want to think about it. I would be much worse off now if I had left everything to lawyers. Granted, my case is probably atypical, but WS's are usually lousy negotiators/decision makers.

I don't know what I want to do....

I'm dreading getting a divorce.

(((((Amazin))))

I wish I had something more profound to say.....I don't. I am so sorry for this turn of events......Sending a whole bunch a prayers and hugs your way.....



Not2fun

Right now I'm mulling over weather or not I want to respond to her email.

In her letter she assumes that she know's how I feel. She may just be trying to feel me out and see how I feel.


But if I tell her how I feel.... then there's the possibility of being hurt and rejection.



Hmmm.....

Oops. Sorry. A natural tendency is to look at every problem from our own frame of reference, so I applied mine. Then I remembered what a chilling blow it was when I found out the SCQ actually filed for divorce.

Sorry for your pain. It's a huge trigger, so don't do anything right now.

Remember to breathe.

You don't have to respond to her call immediately. If you feel the need to, you can always acknowledge her message with "I received your message and am giving it some thought" or the like to buy yourself some more time.

ok, the wise words came to me....


Amazin, didn't she just try to contact you not to long ago??? (about 2 months if I remember correctly....)

Now, this may be a ploy of hers to get you to try to come out of Plan B. Remember, the waywards will try ANYTHING to break that plan. They hate the lack of control they have.... :RollieEyes:....

or

she may really want the divorce.....

who knows??? Certainly not you. Certainly not me.....so my advice is DO NOTHING...delete the messages, the emails, everything and go on about your day as if nothing out of the ordinary is happening. You cannot MAKE her do anything, but guess what???

She can't MAKE you do anything either.

I know you hate the limbo. I know this doesn't help you in any way, but since you don't know what you want at the moment, DO NOTHING.....

If she TRULY wants the divorce, make her do the work....make HER file.....while you continue on your path to healing....

Hang in there hon.....

oh....and GOD is in control...

not2fun

Too late....


I already sent her a reply....

Here it is....


How do you know how I feel about you when we haven't communicated in several months?

Ouch. Argumentative without actually saying anything.

I don't know where it will lead, but it might lead to a protracted email back-and-forth that will sap your life force and give your WW an opportunity to see whatever it is she expects/wants to see. If it heads in that direction, get out of it asap.

The Plan B thing to do is to not say anything at all. If she wants to be divorced, make her do the work.

There's a love letter option, too. (elements include: I choose marriage, it doesn't have to be this way, I envision a future where we put the past behind us and create a lifestyle where we care for and protect one another, a relationship better than we ever had before, I have learned how to do this and know that it is possible; it is my heart's desire; it's too painful to discuss divorce) If she's still actively wayward, she won't be able to hear what you're telling her, though. I'm not sure whether you should try this.

Are you breathing? Deep breaths so that you can feel the relaxation as you exhale. Take a walk and try to feel your connection to the earth with each step.

She said that she wants to have a face to face with me....

I don't know if I want to do that....


And she never answered my question ....


In her email she assumes that I dont love her anymore. She made this statement....



I was wondering if she's trying to see how I feel about her...

I know... It may be me reading too much into it. I don't want to get my hopes up or get crushed...

She's wanting to have a face to face....

I don't know if I can do that.

I'm still really hurt and talking to her about divorce is about the last thing I can do.

I would talk to your lawyer and see if filing first is advantageous. If she is going to file, I would at least take the most advantageous route.

It doesn't appear to me that she is willing to reconcile. I know that you don't want this, but a few years from now you may look back and think this is the best thing that ever happened to you. You might as well make out of this as well as you possibly can. Do not sit down with this woman and allow her to manipulate you into getting what she wants in a divorce. She knows you still love her, and she thinks that she can use that to get a better deal. I guarantee that she is going to want you to pay her lawyer fees, and is going to use your married filing jointly decision to try and extract more money out of you. If you respond at all, I would have an intermediary tell her to send all inquiries about a divorce to your lawyer.

I know we've had our differences of opinion on your situation, but plan B is about protecting you from anymore hurt, and you should not have to sit down with her and negotiate the end of your marriage. Leave it up to your lawyer.

I don't think I can do a face to face with her and talk about a divorce.

The lawyer I talked to said that the person who wants the divorce the most usually pays the most to get it done.

Dang, the wisdom came too late..... :RollieEyes:

anywho, NO MORE CONTACT......don't do anything. I would also do what jmw said. Talk to your lawyer. I know you are concerned about your retirement stuff, so I would talk to the lawyer and see what he says.....

Hang in there....How are you doing NOW???? I know this messes you up mentally. Heck, it would me....keep your cool and take that beautiful daughter of yours out to dinner....

not2fun

ps...hows your son doing????

Amazin,,,,,

you don't need to think about it. Just leave it alone. Man, now you why they say contact in Plan B is soooooo bad. Let her do the work.....you've already done yours....

not2fun

I'm trying not to think about it.

This is when you need that something fun in your life to help you relax.

FWIW, what she said in her email sounded like Fogspeak justification to me.

I know I need something fun in my life. I'm sure she's as foggy as ever.

All the more reason to avoid communicating with her, especially face to face. In the face of all that Fog, you would 1) be hurt, and 2) probably lose your cool and LB her badly. Lose-lose. Don't do it.

When you get a chance, how about posting a summary of your situation? You might get more traffic and advice that way.

I'm with the others, Amazin. If you do not want a face to face and don't believe you can handle it, don't do it.

It won't be your last chance.

If you go in now, before you are prepared, you will lose. You will come out MORE hurt and LESS sure of yourself.

Don't give up the ground you have already gained.

You will know when you are ready. Wait until then.

If she files, she files. I know how hurtful that will be, but you can't control it. If she is serious, it will happen eventually anyway. Don't give in to her scare tactics.

Like sdguy said, remember to breathe.

Fox