Explain to them that the affair was being conducted at work every day and exposure was recommended so the workplace could watch them and protect themselves from legal liability. This affair places the university at legal risk so naturally, they should know about it.

Keep in mind that your W and the OM took this risk, not you. You are not to blame for any repurcussions from their workplace adultery. That is a choice they made.

Since I just went through a similar situation, let me give you my lessaons:

1. WW could care less about your pain, so don't bother playing to pity.

2. Nothing positive can happen in recovery when there is contact. Contact can mean eye contact in the company parking lot. That is job one, get one of them out of there.

3. Who cares about the legality of the emails, the company isn't going to start a legal action in an embarrassing situation like this.

4. The company also isn't going to much care about an affair. If every person who had a workplace affair got fired, the economy would ground to (more) of a halt. If they are in direct reporting lines, they won't care unless someone is going to sue somebody.

5. Thirty days after D-day, I discovered contact, calls and the one "accidental" meeting at a store. Workplace had nothing to do with it, since W had quit on D-day. I immediately called the OM's house. He denied contact. I told him to put his wife on the phone or I was going to break every bone in his face. Not the recommended strategy, but she got on. I told her about the emails and the meetings. She didn't believe me. I put my W on the phone with OM's W and W confessed to it. OM's W went bats@#t. OM got back on with me, cried his eyes out, begged forgiveness yada yada. I reiterated his facial bone situation and hung up.

So, now it is two and a half months after that. I'm sure OM's W is watching him like a hawk. My W has a new full time job that is very time consuming, and she is very good at keeping me posted on her movements hour to hour.

Talk on the phone to one of the Harleys. You can get an hour appointment probably on 48 hours notice in an emergency like this.

Aside from that, if it were me, I would get back on with OM's W and tell her about the emailing. She was the one that had the set and forced the workplace change before, right?

Are any of these emails ...uh...romantic or sexual in nature?

yes





you said talk to one of the Harley's. I thought that only Steven was the one doing counseling. Are there others?

TC, Mike gave you good advice to call the Harleys and I hope you follow through. Even so, in workplace exposures the goal isn't necessarily to MAKE them do something. Some do, some don't. That is neither here nor there.

The goal is to expose it there and make it uncomfortable for them to carry on their affair at work. Affairs are no longer any fun when everyone is watching. It will be much harder for them to carry on there and they will feel the pressure in that environment when everyone knows. And just as important is the fact that the university is at legal risk when they have workplace affairs.

TC, both Harley kids are very good, but I think in your case, Steve would be the most helpful. He seems to be very effective in crisis situations, such as yours. Jennifer is excellent in the recovery side - just my SECOND HAND OPINION.

i just called to schedule an appointment, but the office closes at 2PM, so now i have to wait until at least tomorrow.

what should i do in the mean time?

Re-expose to OM's wife about what you just found out and make preparations to expose to HR and your WW's family.

When telling her family, tell them that you told her she needed to find another job and she refused and continued to carry on her affair with OM while at work. Therefore, you notified work so they could maybe keep hinder them from continuing your WW's affair. You are just trying to get her to stop cheating and this was the best course recommended to you by your counselor to get her to stop.

not too sure how to re-expose to OMW since I am not confident she won't spill the beans on my email access.




this already happened and they know about it. When i told her to find another job, her mother even told her she didn't think that was necessary.

Thats ok. She needs to be called ASAP. Please try and remember what your goal is here, this intel was gathered for a reason. That reason is to EXPOSE, not to just spy on her. I would get this done ASAP.

I think that you're worrying far too much about the whole "email access" thing. For all anyone knows, your wife could have left her email up at home and you saw it, kwim? (And the whole "logging in from two places" is a non-starter in the days of Blackberries, etc)

Bottom line is that your wife is quite the cake-eater. And she will continue to be, until she becomes convinced that it is not in her best interest. Like, for instance, if she comes home and finds all her stuff in a big pile outside on the lawn because she's been lying her @ss off to you.

Here's the thing: you have to decide *for yourself* exactly how much you are willing to take. How long are you willing to let this contact continue?

Why can't you show the latest emails to OM's W? I'm sure that she would be very interested. While I don't disagree w/Melody's thoughts about exposure at work, I would think that exposure at OM's home would be more effective.

I already exposed to OM's W, and she does not seem to be taking this very seriously. She did not want to see any of the original emails or any other proof.

I was told by my wife however, that if the OM'W found out that they have continued to contact each other, that their marriage would be over. I was told this after I confronted them at lunch 2 weeks ago. I agreed not to call the OM's W so the OM could confess on his own. I did not believe this would happen, but email confirmed that he confessed that they were still having lunch together.

I think the reason I have waited so long is that I keep (foolishly) hoping that my WW will finally send an email that says "we shouldn't be doing this, please leave me alone." I know I'll never see it, but i still have a tiny bit of hope. If that makes any sense. Probably part of my BS fog.

Denial - that's a pity. I would be willing to bet that she would be interested in mailed copies of the emails.



Right now, you should believe nothing that your wife says.


Hmm. He confessed to .... lunch. And that is probably the extent of his "confession".


Hope is not a plan.

You need to ratchet things up a few notches at this point. Speaking plainly, neither your W nor the OM have enough fear - fear of discovery, fear of consequences. You, on the other hand, have too much fear. This is not a good combination.

You need to ask yourself what you would do if you were not afraid of losing your marriage, of losing your wife, who is disrespecting you by lying to you.

You need to get a bit angrier than you are, work up a little righteous indignation that will drown out the little voice that is afraid of being censured for reading his wife's racy emails to another man.

Get rid of the fear. You will be stronger for it.

Why aren't you exposing the affair to the OMW, TC? Why won't you do anything? All you have to do is take those emails right over to her and this affair would be probably be over. We can't very well help you if you REFUSE to lift a finger to help yourself. This is very frustrating.


WHY? Why would you count on a liar to tell the truth? That makes no sense whatsoever. He is the LEAST LIKELY PERSON to give the wife the truth.

ok, when will you be stopping this foolishness and decide to do something to save your marriage? Anytime soon?

TC9,

I finally caught up on your thread and I can't help but sit and shake my head.

Folks on here have given you the best possible advice as to your best chances to end this A, ie exposure. And yet you balk with "yes, but what if's."

You are a man looking to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and when you see it, you don't seem to realize it is a freight train barreling right down on you. But you remain on the track and rationalize, "see the light at the end of the tunnel."

Get off the freaking track!! Do something, even if it's wrong! Do something and lay off the "what ifs."

Follow the MB plan or not. It's no skin off my nose. It's your M to lose, not mine. If you know better than Dr Harley, then please share that plan with all of us so we can be enlightened.
I beg you!

I know this is harsh, but you seem to be begging to be gaslighted by a WW who wnats to manipulate your and your family, and still have her cake. So, for that matter does her OM. They are a match made in he//.

Get a lawyer and sue OM for finacial ruin of your M. It's bogus, but will certainly get the attention of OM's W and she might begin to take you seriously. Who cares if she thinks your a nutcake. You don't owe her anything but the truth of their A.

All blessings,
Jerry

Certainly seems like there is more than enough fog to go around here.

How do you spell "pea soup?"

All Blessings,
Jerry

Neither did my W's OM'sW (that is a complex acronym). A BS is in shock and DENIAL. I have my W's emails printed out from August and I don't even go back and read them. Not surprising she wouldn't want more knives in the heart.

However, she obviously got the job move made, as ineffective as it was. She seems to be the one that might get it done.


OM will lie to W and they both will lie to you. It is a pit of vipers right now. Believe nothing other than what your conversations with the OM's W.

Look, by not keeping the OM's W abreast of what you know about contact, you are being an accessory to the affair, being part of the coverup, hurting their marriage and hurting your chances of reconciliation.

You want more than that? You are making the OM's life easier by sitting by and letting them communicatey. He gets to socialize, at the least, with your W, and have peace on the homefront with his naive wife. Blow him up.

My W's OM's W screamed at me on the phone that I was harassing them, until I laid the facts out and explained we were allies in this. Now she understands and is watching the lying <censored> like a hawk.

I've got an appointment set up with Steve Harley for tomorrow morning.

Did you read any of our posts about calling the OMW? will you be calling her?