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Have you read any of the Harley books or articles on this site? I've read all the articles and bought Surviving after and affair, and his need, her Needs. I'm in the middle of SAA right now.
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
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Translation: "I've just set myself up with a new Hotmail / Gmail account to use for correspondence with the OM." yeah, i know. OM's new email that was in her sent items was gmail account.
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
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Any advice for my session with Steve?
It will only be my first session, but my goal is to come out of it with a clear plan to end this affair. I don't think I can wait another week to meet with him again while this [censored] continues between my WW and the OM.
This morning my WW was on her email, so I asked her to show me her account. Since I have her password, I knew that she had deleted all incriminating emails, but that she had forgotten to delete one sent email to a new email address of OM's. She agreed and showed me her inbox and deleted items folder. I then asked to see her sent items and the email to the OM was still there. I asked her to open the email and who it was from, again she got very defensive and would not tell me and logged off. We both left for work angry at each other. When I got to work, she had already changed her password. Then a few minutes ago she called and said "I can't stand when you are mad at me, so if having access to my email will make you feel better, I'll give you my password." I expressed how skeptical I was that she was so defensive about me seeing her email this morning, and then an hour later she was willing to give me full access. At the end of our conversation I asked her to give me the password, and she said she'd give it to me tonight and we could go through her inbox together. She must think I am a total idiot if she thinks this is going to make me feel better. You screwing around and letting your wife continue her affair evven after she's been busted will end up harming you far more than you know. The anger and resentment you will feel towards her would be enormous enough if she had ended the affair on day one. Once (if) the dust settles, the fact that she continued to see OM and rub your face in it will tear you up. I believe all WW's should be given an ultimatum on d-day: End all contact with OM right now, or get the ____ out.
Divorced
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I believe all WW's should be given an ultimatum on d-day: End all contact with OM right now, or get the ____ out. That is what i should have done, but unfortunately I had not found this site yet, and was dealing with a tornado of emotions, I didn't really know how to feel about everything for a few days after d-day
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
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I believe all WW's should be given an ultimatum on d-day: End all contact with OM right now, or get the ____ out. That is what i should have done, but unfortunately I had not found this site yet, and was dealing with a tornado of emotions, I didn't really know how to feel about everything for a few days after d-day Then give the ultimatum right now. Don't give her a cut-off date, don't give her "one more meeting for closure". End it now, or let OM be her landlord.
Last edited by Krazy71; 12/04/08 10:30 AM.
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Then give the ultimatum right now. that will be the topic of my session with Steve.
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
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End it now, or let OM be her landlord. the OM is married with kids, so plan B, if it comes to that, should be really rough on her since she'll be all alone. Unless OM decides to move out too, but i doubt that will happen.
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
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Then give the ultimatum right now. that will be the topic of my session with Steve. Dr. Harley is clearly an intelligent man, but some things have got to come from your gut. You don't need his help to end the affair. What you'll need his help with is how to avoid hating your wife once the affair is over. If the ultimatum doesn't produce immediate results, start widening exposure. I told OM that if he ever contacted my wife again, I'd deliver flyers to his kids' school. I don't know if he took me seriously, but he should have. You can end this affair on your own, or at least make your wife's [censored] come at such a high price that OM pays dearly for it.
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TC, don't jump at all this dramatic advice. Wait until you talk to Steve today?
I don't think exposure, NC etc is something that has to be done at a given point or it is the end of the world. The only clock is your lovebank.
by the way, if you want to stop sweating all this email jumping, get a keyboard logger, it will catch everything typed on the computer.
That is how I caught my w.
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if you want to stop sweating all this email jumping, get a keyboard logger, it will catch everything typed on the computer. I already have a keylogger, that is how I found her password, but she does most of her emailing while at work, and since 2 weeks ago, has been deleting every email she sends and receives from him, so I have to be logged in to her account while i'm at work to catch most of the traffic.
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
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The only clock is your lovebank. i am beginning to feel that clock running out...
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
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TC, don't jump at all this dramatic advice. Wait until you talk to Steve today?
I don't think exposure, NC etc is something that has to be done at a given point or it is the end of the world. The only clock is your lovebank.
by the way, if you want to stop sweating all this email jumping, get a keyboard logger, it will catch everything typed on the computer.
That is how I caught my w. Dramatic advice? Hardly. His wife is banging someone else. If he wants to sit idly by while his wife exchanges bodily fluid with another man, so be it. I can't imagine anything Dr. Harley would say that would change the fact that she needs an ultimatum put to her.
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if you want to stop sweating all this email jumping, get a keyboard logger, it will catch everything typed on the computer. I already have a keylogger, that is how I found her password, but she does most of her emailing while at work, and since 2 weeks ago, has been deleting every email she sends and receives from him, so I have to be logged in to her account while i'm at work to catch most of the traffic. Then you can also consider exposing to her boss. Employers generally don't appreciate company time and resources being used for personal matters.
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The only clock is your lovebank. i am beginning to feel that clock running out... Well, you are going to talk to the best guy in the world for advice in Steve Harley. If you are here, you should give the site's philosophy a chance with Steve. There are subtleties and specific statements/actions/demands that he will guide you through that will give you a much better chance of ending the affair. He has an incredible bed of experience.
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Dramatic advice? Hardly. His wife is banging someone else. If he wants to sit idly by while his wife exchanges bodily fluid with another man, so be it. well, they haven't has sex yet, but that doesn't matter. On D-day, they was discussion about if they were ready to proceed further in their physical relationship, and both of them were very hesitant. All emails since then have mostly been about how much they have to lose if they continue and stuff like that. At one point, 2 weeks ago, they decided to have no physical contact until Jan 1, and then see if each other wanted to continue. Other emails have talked about how many weeks it has been since they last kissed, so I am pretty confident that they have not had sex yet. Not that it really matters, an A is an A no matter if it is an EA, a PA, or both.
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
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Let Steve Harley handle it, that is what he gets paid for. He does advocate exposure, but he sometimes tries to SELL the WS himself before that is done. Who knows what he will say. But he is the professional here and I have not ever heard him make DEMANDS. [ultimatums] In fact, Dr Harley used to say "demands don't work!" And they don't.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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That's an awfully big risk to take for stimulating conversation...especially for OM.
He's risking his family, and not even getting any?
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That's an awfully big risk to take for stimulating conversation...especially for OM.
He's risking his family, and not even getting any? since i started reading the emails, he has consistently put the decision on how to proceed on my WW. So, it seems that he has lost all connection to his family, but doesn't want to push my WW into something she doesn't want. The one good thing is that every time he gave her the decision to proceed further, she backed down. I guess it shows that not all love me is completely gone, yet... when WW and I were talking 2 weeks ago about everything, when I though we were in recovery, she said that she thinks that the OM almost wants to get caught so that he won't have to deal with the guilt of leaving his family. If he gets caught, his wife would have to make the decision to leave or not instead of him. He told WW that the only reason he is staying with his wife is for the kids.
Last edited by totallyConfused9; 12/04/08 11:16 AM.
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
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[quote]
when WW and I were talking 2 weeks ago about everything, when I though we were in recovery, she said that she thinks that the OM almost wants to get caught so that he won't have to deal with the guilt of leaving his family. If he gets caught, his wife would have to make the decision to leave or not instead of him. He told WW that the only reason he is staying with his wife is for the kids. Well, job one will be to get your W on the phone with Steve as well in session 2.. It is crucial to stop contact to get through this, but you also will be told to recognize that the affair happened for a reason, and that has to be fixed. If you aren't meeting each other's needs avoiding LBs, etc, it is much harder for a WS to leave the OP and come back and depend on the marriage for happiness. You can't get your W back at gunpoint and hold her hostage and have a happy marriage. I know, that is sort of where I'm at right now. It may be necessary to get her through withdrawal, but you also have to start to rebuild.
Last edited by Mike_C2; 12/04/08 11:23 AM.
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He told WW that the only reason he is staying with his wife is for the kids. Aren't they all? :RollieEyes:
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