this is exactly the main point Steve made today. It takes baby steps, and the first one is for WW to realize that falling in love with me again and having a fulfilling marriage with me is the ideal situation for my WW.




When I asked about exposure, Steve wanted to wait to see if WW came around at all and was willing to do some research and be open to counseling. He said that if after 10 days or so that no progress has been made, that another course of action, (exposure) will be needed.

bump

When you pay your money to get Harley advice live, your best to use it.

If you tell a WW to quit OM cold turkey, you have to be prepared that she might leave.

If one is trying to save their marriage why put yourself in a position where you get the WW to move out?

Does anyone realize that you can't plan A a WW after she moves out?

You can't have a good plan B if you don't do a good plan A.

And, if you have your WW move out, is that not making it easier for WW and OM to get it on?

If an affair is on, what's a week more to get WW on the phone with one of the Harley's. If WW won't then you can expose to the whole world.

I think the point that I'm trying to make is that a BH either gets his wife to quit cold turkey, or he's a doormat in the eyes of his WW.

What kind of a man busts his wife, KNOWS she's still sleeping with OM after d-day, then takes her back if she "snaps out of it"?

I feel like less than a man because I didn't murder the OM in my living room. If I had taken her back after she continued to sleep with him post d-day? I'd never forgive myself.

I feel that a BH/WW situation is a unique animal, as others have said.

Plan A and Plan B are for the BS...and so is the ultimatum.

In a nutshell, this quote emphasizes the difference in perspectives between an indecisive and decisive BH. Once I discovered my W's A, I would not have tolerated it going on for ONE SECOND more, little alone another week.

It is my opinion, and admittedly not shared by all, that any WW that will not agree to NC IMMEDIATELY and recommit to the M is NOT worth the pain and effort necessary to reach R.

Some may call it pride ... I consider it more a matter of self-respect, but I could not look at myself in the mirror KNOWING that my W was in an active A with another M, and consequently, I have little respect for those who can.

Exactly. I think my WW hoped I would throw her out and the OM's W would throw him out and they would live happily ever after. She as much as told me that.

If we took as bible everything we said to each other in the first month, we would definitely not be under the same roof now trying to keep it together. You are, as someone here said, careening around with a gaping chest wound.

Now, my W says very sincerely and tearfully that it was the biggest mistake of her life, it was "fantasyland", it was selfish, she knows they could never be together, and her actions dramatically hurt the lives of at least seven people.

In this case I don't think you have to worry about throwing your WW into the arms of OM because it seems to me that OM has already chosen his wife if he can't have both. He's still trying to see if he can sneak around and have both. I think exposure to OMW will close that door.

I'll defer to Steve because he said to only wait for exposure for 10 more days. That give his WW a chance to end it on her own without indefinitely draining his love bank. 10 days is a reasonable amount.

I feel the same way about both these statements. But, then again, I was one of those that always said an affair would be it. Or I'd murder her. Or the OM.

I didn't, and neither did you, so we are both learning new boundaries, huh, Krazy? Others may have different ones. You walked in on them in your own home. Jesus. Other people say the line would be doing it more than once. Or bringing the OP around other people. Or doing it in their bed. Or it being more than oral. Or unprotected. A BS can have all sorts of justications for deciding it "wasn't so bad". It continuing past D-day is just one more of them.

Would the man on the street say it is more unforgiveable for an emotional only affair to continue, as TC's is, or for a BS to walk in on the act in his home, as you did (and I could have). I think the latter.

Remember, TC's W hasn't been physical, unlike what you and I put up with. So have some consideration.

Many of you have mentioned that I am allowing my WW to sleep with the OM while I try Plan A

Let me set the record straight. They are not sleeping together. I have read every email between them for the past month. They have discussed how they haven't even kissed in over a month, so i seriously doubt they are sleeping together. If they were, I could not be this calm and wait 10 more days.

If the federal government were to make murder legal for one day, I'd take advantage of it.

Only the threat of prison has kept him alive this long. It has nothing to do with morals, or concern for my fellow man.

I'm just not willing to do the time.

Yep, me too.

question about SF.

Before the A, our relationship had been slowly going downhill to the point that SF happened about once a month, maybe twice. Over the years, my WW had become less and less interested in SF, so I figured that that is just the way she was, and I was willing to accept that. When I would confront her about it she would just say that there must be something wrong with her and that she rarely felt "in the mood."

We had a good talk a few weeks ago about ENs and she said that while she always thought that she just naturally had a low sex drive, her new relationship with the OM brought out sexual feeling that she didn't think she had. She said that she now very much wanted SF with me much more frequently, but said that I need to learn how to her her in the mood better, which is fine by me.

My question is, how to I handle this during plan A. Since D-day she has tried to initiate SF much more often than she ever has before, but it just doesn't feel right, as I am sure all of you know. But, since plan A is all about fulfilling her ENs, should I go along with it, even though it will be difficult? If I go along, does it show weakness that I am willing to look past the A as long as I still get some?

As long as you know she has not slept with OM, I encourage you to be a stallion in bed and satisfy her in every way that you can. Lack of SF is usually a sign of a bad relationship, and this affair has stirred up the inner sexual being in her. You need to learn how to stir it up yourself and get her in the mood.

Even tho they didn't have sex? That is weird to me.


You aren't "getting some" you are making lo0ve with your W, knucklehead. If that is your attitude about sex, no wonder she wants to retrain you :-)

Jeez, do you want to save your marriage? Tear it up, dude. It is an EN....do you want her to go outside the marriage for it?

My W and I have been having SF three times a week, and it has been great sex, too. It soothes our souls.

You need that bond.

Jeez....initiate tonite. Initiate tomorrow AM too. "Fulfillment" She is dying for it.

Another thing that she has said she needs is for me to flirt with her. The emails between them before Dday were all just one giant flirt session that included many explicit conversations and teasing. I have tried to engage in this with her, but she doesn't really respond. I guess it is part of the fog she is still in.

Another thing I noticed from the emails is that she seemed to always sit back and wait for the OM to start anything, and even after that, she would play very hard to get. I guess she has a need to be chased. To me that sounds like a very childish need, and isn't something that someone could reasonably expect to continue throughout a long-term relationship or marriage. But, I'll try my best and see what happens.

This is not my attitude, but i feel she may think this is my motivation.



that is the exact frequency she said she wanted. If we approached anything close to 3 times a week I'd have a smile plastered on my face 24/7.

The need to be romanced and wanted is a terrible affliction that strikes one of every one American women.

Not when she is initiating and saying she wants it, right?

If you don't mind doing it, go right ahead.

Check and see if OM had any pet names for her that she really liked, and use those.

Then in return, maybe she'll re-enact some of the things she and OM had discussed doing.

Fair is fair, right?

what i meant to say is that in the back of my mind I worry that if I allow her advances, she will just think that I will put aside my anger for sex, almost like she is testing me.

I have never approached our physical relationship as like a college kid who just wants to get laid.