|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 279
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 279 |
Check and see if OM had any pet names for her that she really liked, and use those. There were plenty of those. Then in return, maybe she'll re-enact some of the things she and OM had discussed doing. some of the things she said in her emails i never would have thought she would even think let alone write down and tell someone. I have told her that I would be doing backflips if I ever received an email like some of the ones she sent the OM. She just gets embarrassed when I bring it up though.
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,153
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,153 |
If I did resort to an ultimatum, it would include NC with OM and that WW resign from her job. That would be mine. Asking these two things should give you an idea of how she values the marriage. Ultimatums are more for the BS than the WS. As in "If you love me and value our marriage that is what you will choose"
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,510
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,510 |
what i meant to say is that in the back of my mind I worry that if I allow her advances, she will just think that I will put aside my anger for sex, almost like she is testing me. well....maybe, but I would just take her at her word that she wants it and fill that need. Y'all are married. I think the downside of (perhaps) leaving her sexually frustrated is far more important than the possibility of your strategic concern.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 279
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 279 |
I think the downside of (perhaps) leaving her sexually frustrated is far more important than the possibility of your strategic concern. you're probably right on that.
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,510
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,510 |
Check and see if OM had any pet names for her that she really liked, and use those. There were plenty of those. Then in return, maybe she'll re-enact some of the things she and OM had discussed doing. some of the things she said in her emails i never would have thought she would even think let alone write down and tell someone. I have told her that I would be doing backflips if I ever received an email like some of the ones she sent the OM. She just gets embarrassed when I bring it up though. Let it go. It is a huge lovebuster. Why bring him up when you are hoping she forgets him? Krazy was being sarcastic about the nicknames. Or sardonic. Or whatever.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,510
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,510 |
ok, I'm taking W to a nice romantic dinner. Go get laid.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 279
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 279 |
The need to be romanced and wanted is a terrible affliction that strikes one of every one American women. i probably need a lesson in romance. And my genes are working against me. My father is probably the least romantic person on the face of this earth.
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880 |
Check and see if OM had any pet names for her that she really liked, and use those. There were plenty of those. Then in return, maybe she'll re-enact some of the things she and OM had discussed doing. some of the things she said in her emails i never would have thought she would even think let alone write down and tell someone. I have told her that I would be doing backflips if I ever received an email like some of the ones she sent the OM. She just gets embarrassed when I bring it up though. Sorry, that post was sarcastic. Suggesting that you do certain things because she liked when OM did it is A) gross B) insensitive as hell C) bovine fecal matter Like I said...ask her to do items "A" and "B" to you from her naughty emails with OM and see how she reacts. I'll bet her tune will change in one second. You've got bigger fish to fry right now. You'll get to deal with the issue of "she'd do things with/for OM that she won't do with me" later.
Divorced
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 279
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 279 |
You've got bigger fish to fry right now. You'll get to deal with the issue of "she'd do things with/for OM that she won't do with me" later. It isn't so much the "doing of thing" as the talking about "doing of things." She didn't say anything to him that she wouldn't do with me, but the fact that she verbalized it was the most surprising thing, the dirty talk i guess you could say.
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880 |
You've got bigger fish to fry right now. You'll get to deal with the issue of "she'd do things with/for OM that she won't do with me" later. It isn't so much the "doing of thing" as the talking about "doing of things." She didn't say anything to him that she wouldn't do with me, but the fact that she verbalized it was the most surprising thing, the dirty talk i guess you could say. Opinions vary, but if she was only talking to him, I congratulate you. You are one of the lucky few, and I'd literally give a limb to be in your situation versus mine. Keep your eyes open, count your blessings, and good luck to you.
Divorced
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 279
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 279 |
Opinions vary, but if she was only talking to him, I congratulate you. You are one of the lucky few, and I'd literally give a limb to be in your situation versus mine.
Keep your eyes open, count your blessings, and good luck to you. I do feel pretty lucky that the when I found out, the the most recent emails were about if they were ready to take their physical relationship to the next step. They were planning on spending the night together at the OM's house the following weekend when the OMW was out of town. Glad that I didn't find out a week later after this all was supposed to happen.
Me, BH - 26
WW - 27
d-day - 10/28/08
d-day 2 - 12/15/08
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 862
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 862 |
Get this woman out of your life NOW! She has failed every test and has clearly shown she's not marriage of mother material. You say you're close to your family? Why do you think the dislike her so much? Because they can see through her. She has you wrapped around her finger. You can't see the woods from the trees. Trust their impartial judgement.
Just be thankful you don't have any children with this woman! Learn from this and move on while you still have some dignity left.
Plan D June 08
Me FBS 36
W 38
Married 13/1/09
The best is yet to come, with or without your WS
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464 |
Unless you are dealing with a drunken ONS, very short term A, limited PA type of situation, AND you have a immediately remorseful WW, then you have basically no chance at a successful R anyway.
As soon as the WW has EMOTIONS involved, the M is toast. That is an incredibly broad and UNTRUE generalisation. WOW. I can think of many situations where there were emotionally entangled affairs and they had great recoveries. Mine for starters.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464 |
I employed an ultimatum within minutes of discovery of my FWW's A, and it worked. As a matter of fact, my FWW (FogFree) posts here occassionally, and you can search her posts and read her own words about how effective the ultimatum was at penetrating her fog. It worked FOR YOU, Not all WW's respond like that to ultimatums. Dr Harley says ultimatums DON'T work. You may be the exception that proves the rule MyRev.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,414
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,414 |
Unless you are dealing with a drunken ONS, very short term A, limited PA type of situation, AND you have a immediately remorseful WW, then you have basically no chance at a successful R anyway.
As soon as the WW has EMOTIONS involved, the M is toast. That is an incredibly broad and UNTRUE generalisation. WOW. I can think of many situations where there were emotionally entangled affairs and they had great recoveries. Mine for starters. I suppose we all have to define "successful" for ourselves. YOU may be the exception ... that is for you to decide ... but I've been here for long enough to realize that ... with regard to BH/WW's ... "many situations" ... is a GROSS exaggeration.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464 |
For what it's worth, TC9, if I was given an ultimatim when I was in the throes of my affair, I would have walked out the door. And my OM was married with kids and 2,000 miles away so I would not have been walking into OM's arms -- just away from my H and very likely forever. EXACTLY. And that is usually what happens. It is throwing the WS into the arms of the OP, a very stupid strategy. Saying "give up the affair or the highway" to a person who is already DETACHED and completely disgusted with the marriage is very tempting, because most would choose the AFAIR. The BS usually has no leverage whatsoever, that must be understood. Throwing them out often spells the END OF THE MARRIAGE. The WS is a person who has FALLEN OUT OF LOVE, so he/she doesn't CARE! He is more often GLAD TO GO! Goodbye! Giving them an ultimatum when you have nothing with which to bargain is not a smart tactic. When you give people ultimatums it only works if you have something to bring to the bargain table. I totally agree Mel - that was my experience. My wife walked.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464 |
I suppose we all have to define "successful" for ourselves.
YOU may be the exception ... that is for you to decide ... but I've been here for long enough to realize that ... with regard to BH/WW's ... "many situations" ... is a GROSS exaggeration. I don't define strength by a BH making ultimatums on his WW. Strength IS taking decisive action though. Well let's see...... just off the top of my head.... The Wonderings Bob Pure Kahunas and many others who don't post here anymore and I will not name. Now I also know plenty with really poor "recoveries" but they were not because the BH didn't give ultimatums - they were usually because the BH settled for far too little. It's EASY to mistake chest pounding and ultimatums for strength.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,632
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,632 |
I do feel pretty lucky that the when I found out, the the most recent emails were about if they were ready to take their physical relationship to the next step. They were planning on spending the night together at the OM's house the following weekend when the OMW was out of town. Glad that I didn't find out a week later after this all was supposed to happen. uGHHHHHH, The Worst is yet to come. We'll be here. All Blessings, Jerry
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,399
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,399 |
My question is, how to I handle this during plan A. Since D-day she has tried to initiate SF much more often than she ever has before, but it just doesn't feel right, as I am sure all of you know. But, since plan A is all about fulfilling her ENs, should I go along with it, even though it will be difficult? If I go along, does it show weakness that I am willing to look past the A as long as I still get some? I can only imagine how hard it might be to provide SF for your WW now, but if you can muster it up, do it. SF is one of my top ENs, more than my H, for sure. Very important to me. And it's the oddest thing because since my confession, our love making has been spectacular. My H is tempering it by telling me before or after that he doesn't want to give me false hope for us staying together. But he feels it's a great escape for both of us. He may be enjoying it strictly for the physical pleasure, but I know it's helping me tremendously in feeling more connected to him and more wanting of him. It's helping make me feel more like a woman to him as opposed to just being the house cleaner, mother, lawn mower, chaperone... And it's helping me see him more as a man who really does care about my desires. If you want your WW to feel connected to you as well, I see sex as only helping -- if you can. For us it's been all kinds --from passionate, drawn-out love making to quickies on the bathroom floor -- things we have never done before in our many years together. Another thing... My H is encouraging me to release my "dirty" side. And we're both enjoying that too. Maybe TMI??? (Sorry.) Take a chance, TC9. You might discover something amazing between you two that can help if you decide to stay with her.
Me (FWW): 45
BH: 46
M: 11/94
PA: 2/08 (4 mos)
Confessed: 10/08
DS10
DD8
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464 |
I don't believe it's wise to have sex with an active wayward and I certainly would not share her sexually with an OM.
That could be life threatening not to mention soul/respect destroying.
She is having sex with OM I thought?
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
109
guests, and
47
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
