Try me.

I think most would agree that the OW in my sitch would prolly make your husband's OW look like a cocker spaniel puppy - and yet we are STILL happy because we did what was right for ALL the children.

Any, You said WE have a lot to learn.........you have a lot to learn! I agree with the others that you probably convinced your H to write the letters to OW and OC, and Then I think you asked your sons to hop on board to put more pressure on him.

Like I said before, Ow letter? OK. OC letter? Not OK.

I may get edited for this, so I will be careful how I select my words. You need to be on a site for women you can't deal with their own problems by themselves. You had to convince your whole family to write these letters.

You said in the beginning it was H idea. I said I didn't believe that then, and I don't believe that now........I'm not sure anyone does.

*************edit***************

And Crabbywife.....................Man! Calm down! I don't think using Jeffrey Dahmer as an analogy for what AS has done is a fair comparison. She sent a letter, she didn't murder anyone!

Dahmer was mentally ill, and he may have been "insane" when he commited his crimes. He didn't do very well in prison either. Wasn't he murdered by another inmate shortly after he arrived?

"It's IMPOSSIBLE to let you know everthing that has gone down."

It's impossible to get good advice when you come here and only tell half a story.

Though what ever your excuse maybe, to make your WH stop OC contact after he has been doing it for the kids first ten years is wrong.

There are ways to have your WH visit with the OC. Yet have no contact with the OW.

**********edit*************

That's the truth. You'd be surprised the stories around here the crazy ow's, mm's and bs's. I could even tell you some stories about my mm and his wife. Stuff done to my daughter. You'd be surprised.

Again, your husband was sneeking around for 10 years seeing this kid and probally her too. You can't put all the blame on one person here. As well it's not like you really gave it much time either. YOu said yourself you just found out about this kid so I'm assuming you thought for a very LONG time there was no other kid or ow.

I hope and pray your husband does not send a letter to oc. I can't imagine the man your husband must be (or lack of) to have a relationship with his flesh and blood for 10 years then be able to turn his back on him. Something is just not right here.

Hurtmomof2---yea, pretty extreme anology but I was hoping that it will send the same message to this woman. People do not need to be in her situation, know her well, or know the details of her situation to recognize the different between right and wrong. WRONG IS WRONG period!.

Yea, I wouldn't be surprise if Jeffrey got killed by his inmate after arriving.

I have read some of your responses here momhurtof2. As usual, you always hit the nail on the head. :-)
Now let's hope that something or some kind of miracle will happen to make this person to have a change of heart. I am praying hard!

crabbywife-Yes it was a strong analogy, but I see where you were going with it.

I completely agree that these people know right from wrong, and know that sending that letter will do permanent psychological damage to this child. He WILL think that he is at fault for his father pretty much dumping him. Look at all the kids who think it's their fault that their parents got divorced!

Anysuggestions is behind both letters her H wrote. I don't believe that H was just sitting around one day and thought
"hey, I"ve been a father to this boy for 10 years, that's long enough. I think I'll write a mean letter to him"

And then she brings her adult children into the situation as pawns?

Like I said before, I'm not sure I even believe that this story is all true.

I think in an earlier thread you said you wanted to ask me something? I will try and get in touch wit a moderator and see if she can send you my e-mail. If not, we can agree to be online at the same time and I will post my address then delete it. Let me know.

Hurt

**edit**

EXCUSE ME??? CAN'T deal? He LIED to his victim (his wife) for 10 years!!!! Yes, writing the letter to the child was wrong but going NC with OW is right. You have NO IDEA the shock of your H having a child with an OP. Unbelievable that you can sit here and trash talk this poor woman.

Please keep your posts helpful to the thread starter. Harassment is not necessary!

**edit**

please email me at revera01@aol.com

I'm really not sure what to say.....

You are all very sure in what you know?

I know that I have really tried to make everyhing work. I have tried to accept the oc and ow in our life. That doesn't work! Especially when you have grown children. Don't judge us for being adults. You think it's easier when your grown, IT'S NOT!!!!! It's actually worse because you disect everything when you're grown as opposed to when you are less mature.

As an example, I found out my father had an affair with my mother's mother when I was seven years old. I wasn't really affected until I really understood what had happened.

It took years to really understand why my Mom and Dad broke up.

My husand is very sorry for what he did. He loves me and the children.

At some point you have to decide what is right for your family and move on. I know what we did is perfect for our situation.

I know there are alot of you that think I'm sneaky or selfish or whatever. The truth is that I'm doing what feels right for my family.

Don't judge a book by it's cover. You might be wrong........

Ok, so you're father had an affair on your mothet. I'm sure that must have hurt. First things first.........you need to forgive him and get on with your life.

Every poster here agreed that you should not send the letter to OC.

You said it was what was best for your family (and I still don't believe that you think it's worse on an adult that they found out their father cheated)and that sending the letter was "perfect
for your situation"

you said we all thought you were sneaky and selfish.........

If you sent that letter to OC. or let your H send it, Then that's exactly how you're acting.

I don't understand why you keep coming back here? This board is for women who need support. You never really ask any questions, you just make statements. You pretty much wrapped up the whole situation yourself. So again, why are you here? Is it to glote (sp) that our H won't write a mean letter to OC, and we don't have them under our thumb? which you apparently do.

P.S. In the first paragraph you said it was "worse" for an adult child to find out about an infidelity because they could disect everything. Next paragraph you say you found out about your father's affair when you were a child, and it took YEARS to understand it all.

Complete contradiction!!! :RollieEyes:

anysuggs,,,,,please be assured that NONE of us here are experts in any way, shape or form.

THAT SAID. we are all, have all been thru, been here to listen to many sad stories over the years, read the MB principles, listened to others who have offered BOTH pro and con advice, made sacrificies (ate some doo doo somewhere along the line) to save our marriages, AND realize that an oc IS also a victim in these situtations.

it sounds like one mistake you have made is trying to "accept the oc "and" the ow in your life".

you have no obligation at all to accept the ow. she is mearly the gaurdian of your stepson (yes, like it or not this is a fact) while he is not residing in your house.

another mistake imho that you made was not just informing your kids but getting them involved at a more intimate level then they needed to be. it sounds like you leaned on them for advice not support. and you probably know what the majority of people who hear of this situation say as advice. yeh (kick the bum out or forget that b@st@$d kid and his w#@re mom.)

when my w became pg from her A we had littles, middles and bigguns. the littles and middles (6 - 14) just accepted that they were having another sibling as they didn't apply all the emotional stuff that the sit carried with it. the bigs were undeniably angry and upset with their mom but were supportive of what i wanted to do. their disappiontment was at mom NOT the baby.

another thing that we (the opinionists) here have seen and agree on is that NC is completely acceptable BUT it needs to be from the BEGINNING not 10 years down the line. with or without your knowledge of the contact.

your h having contact with the oc for 10 years has changed the playing field. abandoning that child after 10 years is just plain wrong.

you asked in an earlier post whether we thought it would have long term effect on the oc. haven't you answered that with this statement above

""""""""It took years to really understand why my Mom and Dad broke up.""""""""

I think what many/most of us see is that your h was sneaking behind your back for 10 years. paraphrasing your words from your original post, he even was so afraid of sneaking behind your back he and ow devised a plan for "her" to write a letter asking for more money.

what makes you feel he will not sneak behind your back again? because you and your kids have coerced him into writing a cruel letter. which your kids should have had NO say in.

STOP RIGHT THERE, i do feel sorry for your kids having been put into this mess. and it always breaks my heart to see that children of any age have been devistated by the actions of a parent. but there anger is being misderected at their half brother because of their fathers actions.

so here is my final question to you. what happens to your kids opinion of their father should say he decides that oc and ow need him, are more important to him after 10 years, and his present marriage is not where he wants to spend his remaining years? what is stopping him from writing another NC letter to them at that time since they are grown and off in their own lives while the oc is still small and needs his support?

although i disagree with the "letter to the oc" i still wish that you and your family can find some peace someday.

Dealan-de:

I read my post today again along with all of the other posts. I wanted to say a few things to you based upon what I read.

I didn't think the letter my husband wrote to the OC was a good idea originally and I shared with him what everybody wrote on this forum.

He never had a real relationship with the child. I don't think anybody really got that. Maybe it doesn't matter but the only relationship he had was just recently this year when he visited all of us. If you or anybody would go back to the original post I made, it might be clear that there was a time span of more than four years that my H didn't have any contact with her or the OC. When he did have contact, it was extremely brief. In otherwords no outings or trips. Just extremely short and seldom visits. Maybe I didn't make myself very clear. It's difficult with all of the emotions to even write about this stuff. We forget to explain fine details.

Regardless, it doesn't make it right to the forum that the letters were sent but the OW hasn't bothered us. The OC has written and so has my H. According to my husband, the OW pushed the OC on him. He never wanted to have any contact but she called and called over and over again begging him to see the OC.

I realize that the OW and my H are both at fault but I have to tell you she was ruthless. She wouldn't leave him alone. I think now that she's received the letter from all of us and I did make the changes that were suggested; she understands now that we don't want her calling and e-mailing.

Thanks for reading this. I just felt like I wanted to clarify a few things to you.

AS........You wait almost a month to reply to a post and then come up with some half-truth (and I'm being considerate here) story?

Who cares?????? I would probably have to guess nobody. :RollieEyes: