They are at a training seminar lunch right now, I'd really like to send him taunting text messages like "you should have been more carefull..." or "hope you enjoyed last friday afternoon with my wife, because it is about to get extremely for you..."

I probably shouldn't do that though. Probably best for him to get calls from his parents, sister, boss, and wife all at the same time.

Yep. When are you going to expose?

I don't think I could forgive myself if I waited and then found out through email that they had another rendezvous that I could have prevented.

I would like to chat with Steve before I do it, and have left him a message, but I haven't heard anything from him yet.

Would you recommend I hire a lawyer at this point?

There is no need to chat with Steve unless you just want to blow another $185. Steve is a save the marriage at all costs guy. You don't have kids, so there should be no reason for you to try and save this at all costs. They will have another rendezvous unless you act now.

You don't have any kids, and probably have barely any marital property to speak of since you've only been married a short time. You also don't need to worry about support since your marriage is so brief. I think you can wait to hire a lawyer until you are sure you want to file because you really have nothing to lose.

There isn't much other than the house. The mortgage is in my name, but her name is on the deed with mine. We bought it a year and half ago before she started her job, so she isn't on the loan since she hadn't started work at that point, and has a ton of student loans.

Why would you post this?

Exposure is a strategy to save the marriage. TC has already briefed one of the best counselors in the world. Steve responds to emergency situations, I'm sure he will get back. TC just has to tell him he is at the end of his rope, and I'm sure Steve will coach him re: exposure.

Personally, I would get the OM's W on the phone and get her that email. The OM is obviously terrified of that.

But wait for Steve. You have to know WHAT YOU WANT out of exposure. This was exposed once and it just drove it underground. Do it right and have a list of demands.

That will all be sorted out when you file. It doesn't matter whether or not she is on the loan. You split the marital debts. You won't be responsible for her student loans before you were married, but she will be responsible for half the house, since her name is on it. I'm sure she'll be in for quite a rude awakening if the house has LOST value over this time. Don't worry, the lawyer will sort this all out.

Part of ending her affair is exposing her to REAL consequences. Having to deal with financial hardship and having to adjust her standard of living, as well as the possibility of losing her job will snap her out of the fantasyland of her affair. Just go ahead an expose. You are risking another sexual encouter by waiting.

her is my list so far:

1) NC letter
2) resign from job
3) MC
4) IC
5) polygraph (maybe)
6) STD test


any other ideas?

I was saying that he doesn't need to spend another $185 to get Steve's blessing on exposure. He knows he needs to do it. Steve is going to err on the conservative, "don't rock the boat" side, to give his marriage a better shot of surviving. But at what cost? He doesn't have any children. He's just been married for less than a year. There is no reason for him to put himself through a prolonged six month plan A followed by a 2 year plan B if he is a 26-year-old in a < 1 year marriage while his WW bangs OM at work. He should stop it now, with or without Steve's blessing.

1) NC letter
2) Quit job
3) MC and possibly IC including sex therapy at a future date if necessary
4) Full openness, honesty, and transparency (cell phone and email passwords, accounting for her time, up to and including polygraph if you don't think she is coming clean)
5) STD test
6) Post-nuptual (I wouldn't want you having kids with this woman without some kind of deal in place should she wander again).
7) No opposite sex relationships. Talking to men at work about work is the limit. No discussion of personal matters.

She can take it or leave it. Just because she leaves it at first, doesn't mean she won't come crawling back once you show that you are prepared to move forward. Sometimes people need to experience consequences before they change their behavior.

Total tranparency. Give you access to her computer, cell phone, phone records, emails, home office, etc. This was big for my H when I offered him access to anything and everything that in the past had been considered private.

She needs to tell you where she's going and with whom she is when she leaves the house. You need permission to call her at anytime.

Be able to carry and use her cell phone at anytime.

If she feels she does need to have something private (say a place in the house where she wants to hide your Christmas gift or if she has a GIRLfriend who needs privacy for personal matter), your W needs to be able to show/explain it to your satisfaction, otherwise the deal is off. Others may not agree with this, but my example... My sister is going through a very tough, painful, and personal issue right now. My H is very aware of it but doesn't know all of the details as my sister wishes. She is asking for confidentiality on some things. Therfore, I put all of her correspondence in a folder in my email. My H will look in that folder only with me present and can quickly scan the "from" addresses so that he doesn't put me in any position of violating my sister's fragile trust. He feels comfortable with this arrangement.

steve is calling me around 2 for a quick 5 minute chat, so it shouldn't cost me $195.

The should still be in their seminar at 2, so no worries about anything happening in the meantime.

talked to steve. He said definitely tell OMW and WW's parents and sisters. He cautioned against telling work, citing the fact that since we don't have children, it would end up driving her further away, making it easier to walk away.

If one or both of them don't leave their job, it will continue. Telling her work may be the best way to separate them. Yes, telling work may make it easier for her to walk away, but not telling them will make you more likely to walk away. Are you afraid of losing her anymore, or do you just want this to be over one way or the other?

Oh, and I would be sure to contact OM's parents as well.

I am getting less and less afraid of losing her. When talking with steve, he made a good point:

(paraphrased)

He said "A lot of people think I am pro marriage, and i don't like that label. I would say that I am pro happiness. The ideal situation for you and your wife is to fall deeply in love again right? So, the goal here is for you to focus all of your energy toward that goal. When you have no energy left, and you still are not deeply in love with your wife, it will be easy to walk away, and you won't second guess yourself, wondering if you did everything you could. If you drive her away by airing dirty laundry, and she ends up walking away while you still have energy left, you may end up second guessing yourself forever wondering if you did everything you could."

He said that workplace exposure works better for people with kids, because no matter if they stay married or not, they will always be connected through the kids, making it way harder to walk away.

He reminded me that the actions I take need to focus on getting support for our marriage, and OM and OMW's. Telling people for the sake of making her uncomfortable at work, will likely drive her away.

Encourage OMW to put that boundry on him -- HE has to quit.
Make him be the one to give up the job. If he wants to save his family....

Then you aren't the bad guy for exposing her at work -- and yet you are able to seperate them!

Do this FAST TC. Don't let the physical stuff escalate -- its much harder for men to recover from that.

At this point, I wouldn't worry much about losing your source. She either gets on board and becomes an open book, or its done.

The goal of exposure to work is to get OM, your WW, or both to no longer work together so there is no longer the chance for contact, accidental or otherwise. If you expose to OMW and your WW's family, and she still does not leave her job, you will be left with no choice to expose to her employer. Her affair w/ OM threatens your marriage more than exposure to work does. If OMW starts to divorce OM, and OM and your WW both still work together, exposure to OMW without exposure to her employer will only HURT your chances. Don't be afraid to use it if you have to (i.e. they both still work together).

Other than that, I agree with what Steve said. I would expose to OMW today before OM and your WW get home. Let us know how it turns out.

yes, i realize this. The goal is to separate them without work exposure, by me at least.


If what WW tells me is true, OMW will D OM when she finds out, and since they both know a lot of people at work, it will get out at work without me having to tell.


Just called OMW a few minutes ago and left a message, also sent her an email, hopefully she calls back.

Interesting.

Job one for me on D-day was the work. I didn't think there was anyway this would work for anyone, especially me, knowing they were at the same place everyday.

I'm curious....did he say talk to her and give her a chance to meet your "demands" prior to exposing? I guess that would give her the opportunity to run around first and get her own story out.

Personally, I think the only exposure you will need is the OM's W. From that chat log he seems terrified of that. She took strong action before, making him change to a division farther away in the complex or something like that? I'm sure she'll be the driver for some change like that.

From personal experience, I would try to get her on the phone rather than just drop some mail. OM will try and explain everything away.

I got on D-day 2 (contact) with the OM's W, and she yelled at me that I was harassing them. Then I calmly explained the continued contact, with the OM loudly denying in the background. Then my W got on and admitted the contact. ONLY THEN did the OM's W believe the truth.

Was Steve specific about how to do it? Use the chat logs? Or keep them secret?

I'd be interested to know, since I simply went nuts on D-day and told everyone in her life.

That is a big if, buddy. How would WW know what is going on in OMW's head. You should learn to never listen to a WW.