Thanks for the chuckle

I'm going to settle down now for the nite with a movie and a glass of dandelion wine

Take care

Thank you. I think I am a pretty nice person and I think my H is a pretty nice person. He just did a very dumb thing. We figured out a lot about our relationship and things that he needed to avoid after the EA. He had countless opportunities to have an affair over the thirty some years of our marriage. It took contacting an old HS flame that got him hooked on remembering Glory Days and all that. It is a very slippery slope and he was heading down the ravine. They were e-mailing, texting and talking on the phone for three weeks. He got cold feet: She suggested she come up his way to visit HIM (not us). They arranged to meet at a coffee shop. He lied to me about his plans to get away alone to do it. After an hour, he said it was time for him to go. She looked shocked and puppy-sad and said she had no where to go for the rest of the afternoon, implying she thought they would have the day together. So he brought her home, pretending they had just "run into each other". He kept up the lies for another week and kept e-mailing her. Till he came out of the fog and realized how foolish he was being by trying to keep the relationship with her going.

When I looked at his little saved stash of e-mails, I could not believe it. He was upset that I looked at his private stash, but he quickly realized that he was wrong--sent the no contact letter after a day or so of drafting it. She tried a couple times to contact him, but we just did not respond.

He liked the admiration she gave him and he liked feeling like a hero to her. He was saying things to her that were an effort to bring their past relationship into the present time. At the same time, he sent her pictures of all of us and our home, etc. Yet he also was being flirtatous with her.

Thank you for sharing that
I give your H credit for not allowing it to go further, it doesn't make the ordeal any less hurtful though does it

As much as I read and read on this forum I will never understand the mind of a person who wanders from a marriage, do they not know they have someone who loves them more than they can imagine, right here at home

My H sitch sounds incredibly similar....college pal, not a sweetheart but said he did boink her once, she used to do his papers for him. After they graduated she sent him letters to his family home but he just never replied.

They met up at a 25th reunion. He said he just wanted to be nice to her because he had used her in college. She started back again by sending photos from the reunion, then an Xmas card and a Bday card. I remember seeing these 5-6 yrs ago but fluffed them off as nothing significant since I have many male and female friends from HS and college that I still keep in touch with.

After that I don't remember seeing much else. The first phone call to her (103min) was less than 3mos after the reunion, and he had already sent her letters. Anyway the phone records just showed more and more over the years. Her letters to him, the ones that I found revealed that he had sent her chocolates, and more letters.

My H didn't start travelling on short bike trips until a couple of years ago. He also discovered texting.....which eventually led to his demise
He lives very much in the past and also loves to talk about the good old days. They were his 'glory' days...football captain, wrestling etc.

He says that when he is on his bike he feels like a different person, no responsibilies to job etc. (and apparently none to his family either)

I did pop back b/c I thought of something

I am to call the poly examiner tomorrow at 9am.
I know the questions I want answered

1) was there sex

2) has there been no contact since D-Day

3) is there a secret post box ( I could just have the wrong #)

4) is there a secret cell phone


Are there any other questions I should ask that would be helpful???

Yes .... the 48 hours is between you and you - it is not an announcement you make to H as a threat, no threats. Also, no warning prior to exposure.

Give H some time to think about being honest - if he cannot be honest have a plan for yourself (the 48 hours was just a suggestion)

I'm tired and not making sense - sorry

These questions need to be more specific, off the top of my head:

Sex:
How many times have you been in close proximity (in the same room) to her since the reunion.
Did you physically touch her--take her hand, hug her, kiss her on the lips, kiss any other part of her body, was there any type of sexual relations

Have you spoken to her since D Day
Have you written to her since D Day
Have you texted her since D Day
Have you seen her since D Day
Has she spoken, written, texted seen you since D Day

Do you have a cell phone that is a secret

Do you have a post office box

These items I typed quickly off the top of my head.

Thanks for even stoppng back so late....

WS are 'freaks of nature' meaning that I can't quite figure them out
I thought my H would still be pissed over the conflicted convo last nite re. poly, but when I crawled into bed last nite, he rolled over and hugged me, like there was nothing wrong ?????

I will be cool and just cont to remind him that I need the poly to feel safe, and be able to move forward etc.

Thanks all

Hopefully I don't have to come back in a panic with anything unexpected before Wednesday.

Not sure if anyone is around that is familiar with my sitch but will take a chance that I might get some advice

The MC that we saw 5 times from Sept to Nov has slotted in an appt for us Monday eve. I had called him today to see if he had anything before Wed. which is the poly day. I am to call him back tomorrow to confirm or cancel.

I know most here do not have faith in MC, and I do tend to agree. What the MC allowed for us was that it gave us a neutral ground with mediation to talk about the A. Not sure if that makes sense or not.

Since my H is refusing to do the test, ( should mention that last week he said he would have no problem taking a polygraph...until he was told I had made an appt for one ) I was thinking maybe the MC would have some influence on him.
I have no idea how this MC feels about this sort of test, although in a session with me, he suggested using a PI.

Would it be helpful to go to this session or hinder the situation ?

Melody

If you happen to read this....I used your words on my H today and I honestly thought for a moment that I saw my real H in his face, just for a moment then he started babbling, but they were such great words to which nothing else had to be said by me
Thank you

I am not big on counseling in general. Maybe it works for those who have insight into their problems and want to make changes. Would they need counseling since they already have insight and want to change?? Mel singles out marriage counseling, but there really is no research that indicates efficacy for counseling in general.

So call this guy up and tell him that you have scheduled a poly for hubbie and let him know that this poly appt. will be the topic for discussion at your little soiree for Monday. Ask him how he feels about such a topic of discussion.

If he thought a PI was a good idea, maybe he can help you with your hubbie. On the plus side, you have set an agenda--to poly or not to poly--so the soiree will have a theme.

Mel has a good way with words, Her words have a way of giving a WH hope that he can have a fulfilling marriage with the wife. Maybe that is why he turned over and hugged you last night.

Once you are through all this affair discovery crap, you and he need to spend quality time together. I foresee you sitting on the back of that Harley with the wind blowing through your hair. For me and my hubby, we started running together, biking together and cross country skiing together--nothing motorized.

Vittoria,
How are things going? Did you go to that counseling session. Any sign of the old H?

hey laker, your post from Dec.27 left such a good feeling inside my heart

not really sure where to start but to say the sh*t hit the fan would be an understatement

let's start with Sunday around noon
didn't push it but reinforced again why I/we needed the poly
H blatently refused.....then a pissing match began

H: Why don't you take a poly first
Me: This isn't about me taking a poly, but if you book one I will take one
H: You take one first
Me: No
H: You take the one on Wed., it's already booked
Me: That won't guarantee that you'll take one
H: You take one first, what do have a dark secret that you don't want to come out

I know at this point I should have just walked away, that convo went on and on
I got sucked in big time and lost my control to ignore his babble
i'm so mad at myself for not walking away

I got myself into such a mess in my head, I couldn't protect myself anymore, his accusations, false justifications and more hurtful words just wore me down

I called him a mole, a coward and someone who didn't deserve anything good, and then I slapped him across the face, that face that had a horrible smug look on it

I then, went to his parents house, his brothers house, his good buddies house and then I called our son from his first marriage who is 26.

I told them all what was going on, that I needed help because I couldn't do it myself anymore
It made me sick inside, it was so very hard
I could see how much this was hurting all them, and I was the one saying the words
I wanted to puke

came back home, H working, filled suitcases with as much of his stuff as I could and put them on them outside infront of the garage
wrote a letter, I hadn't read any Plan B letters yet but sort of had an idea, read some later and I wasn't too far off with the one I did

H has been at a motel since. Left bitter with some real choice words. It was bad

I need to watch some TV or something right now
will be back to tell more, it just gets worse
that old saying is so true.......be careful what you wish for, you might just get it

from your tag line ....
How about you concentrate on the kids and the dogs as much as possible?

Not sure how to take that ???

I have a great relationship with my kids, I haven't brought them into this forum because there hasn't been any turmoil between myself and them, we have been supporting each other. They are my rocks and I am theirs.

The dogs??, that goes without saying....they always have our attention

Am I whining about what happened???
Please tell me if I am

I

When I said it got worse and be careful what you wish for.....

H came to the door tonight, I thought it was my niece, the porch light was out, I turned the light on and opened the door at the same time
If I had known it was him, I would not have opened it

I was the only one home at the time
H said he wanted to come clean, so then he started spewing

He said there was one more time that he saw OW, they had made out, no intercourse
He said he had gotten a BJ in Daytona last year
He said he'd gone to a R&T with some buddies after getting smashed at a bar

My take on this is
He's throwing me a bone so I think he has 'come clean'
Now I'm thinking all this is the tip of the iceberg and I really don't know this person at all

And he also told DS19 and DS26 which I think is more info than what they needed to know (the BJ and R&T)
They have also been on him to get IC and get honest

Hey Vittoria,
I think Pepperband just means that it all sounds pretty intense between you and H right now and that maybe it is good timing to just spend time with those that can keep you feeling whole.

It is likely that there is more than what he told you, but it is good that he was able to tell you these things. I bet it was not easy for either one of you. Who knows how much more there is to be told. But at least he was able to share some info with you. Are you able to feel that is a step in the right direction?

I do not know what your Plan B letter said. Are you saying that you still expect him to go to the appointment tomorrow? Does he have a route or pathway back to you?

It does not seem like you have a plan. I think this is because you do not know if there is no contact yet and you do not know what kind of infidelity you are dealing with. I still hope the Polygraph is an option.

I still think there is plenty of hope for your relationship and your marriage. I am not sure why you think that he should not have told his sons about his behavior. they are old enough to be told the truth. Take care of yourself.

The poly is still a go, I have not yet cancelled it, but I don't see my H going.

I haven't actually seen this as a step forward, I thought it was more like a step backward. I still believe he has more that he has lied about, and he was not sincere when he spewed this out....it was almost like ' you wanted it, well here it is '
he still tried to justify everything
the last thing he said or yelled before he left....."what do you expect when you put a hungry cat in a cage with a mouse"

Do I have a plan? Right now I'm still trying breathe so to say. I went to the counseling myself on Monday nite, H did not want it for himself or to go a couple.
It was really good. MC supported everything I did and explained that H's behaviour is becoming more immature and irrational as he comes closer to having to deal with everything.
MC said it's like watching a cheap sweater unravel...cool analogy

One thing that has been on my mind.....when H was saying that I had a deep dark secret, he eluded that our oldest son was not his. Believe me there is no basis for this, we dated for over 3 years and I am completely and have always been loyal and faithful.
I talked with son already this am and asked him if he needed me to take the poly for that reason, if because his dad had brought it up and he had now doubts (oh this is such a mess, I could just kill H for saying something like that) I explained to son that H was trying to move focus on me.
I told son I would absolutely do the poly for him but not to feed into H's game.
Son said he does not need me to take it for his benefit, he is confident with his paternity and sees what is going on/

Has this been an ulcer inside H ??? His first wife messed around on him and he was never sure if his son was his or not.

Since my plan B letter was written in haste and under duress it did not explain a pathway back.
I know that one stipulation that all of us have as a family for H to return is that he attend IC.
Our MC would be very good for this, he knows my H's issues better than I.

Do I send another Plan B letter when I get my thoughts more together?

As far as the kids knowing about the BJ and R&T.... I thought it would just make the image of their dad worse than what it already is, I don't know, that stuff makes me sick.... he's such a filthy pig and I hate him and I question what I even want right now, save M or ditch M....save M or ditch M

Should mention I also told my mom and her husband, I am so appreciative that all family is 100% behind us.

I also called OW exH, although I don't really know if they are divorced, but H had said they were trying to reconcile.
This guy said " well you know we are all human and [censored] happens"
I said my standards were higher than that.
He was of no benefit to call.

Before anyone asks
H is self employed
He would call OW at her workplace, I don't believe he was ever there so I don't know if notifying her place of work is relevant.
I can't imagine he is still in contact now.