My wife and I have now been separated for about 9 months during which I have been making many huge changes in my life that should have been made long ago to prevent the situation. I just recently found out that a few months into our separation that she became close with a male co-worker who is also married. They slowly built their friendship until a point in which the other man asked my wife to kiss him when they were walking together. She did, and they both stopped it immediately, feeling guilty since they are both married. They agreed that it was wrong, and that their friendship had went in the wrong direction and they decided to not spend time together for a month or so to let feeling subside. After that they began to try to continue their relationship as "friends". From my vantage point alone they spent a lot of time together. I was a little suspicious. Just a few weeks ago I found out about the whole thing which they had kept from me as well as his wife until it came out in the open via someone else that knew. I told my wife that I didn't feel comfortable with her seeing him at all outside of work, even though the "romantic" part of the relationship was said to be done with. She thinks that because there was only one kiss and because they have made attempts to stop the romance that she should still be able to have a friendship with the guy. She has since our discussion stopped spending so much time with him, and only sees him outside of work if his wife is present. I still feel uncomfortable about it, even though I believe my wife when she says that the romantic feelings are gone. I have already tried plan A in that I asked her to cut ties with him besides work. I have been working hard to try to show her love so that she is not tempted to go towards him. But she still wants to maintain a friendship. Being that we are still separated and the fragile nature of our relationship, I don't feel like I can use plan B without pushing her further away from me. Any ideas about how I can handle this? As of right now all I can do is give her consistent love deposits, but she doesn't give me much undivided attention to work with, besides when I spend time at home with our daughter, I get time with my wife alone for 2 hours a week to talk together, and for about an hour a week at counseling(which doesn't quite count as alone although it is helpful). The counselor doesn't know about this yet, since we just started and I don't want to make any waves since I am glad that my wife has agreed to go and don't want to endanger that.
I would appreciate any helpful ideas or thoughts on this. Thanks.

Welcome to MB, I'm sorry that you find yourself here, especially on New Year's Eve. This is the best club you NEVER wanted to be a part of.

How long have you been married? Since you are separated, who is paying for her to live somewhere else. Have you spoken with OM's wife?

My advice would be to set an appt with one of the Harley's. They are the best in this business and it's worth any amount of money. Do you think your W would talk on the phone with them?

If not, not a problem. I have spoken with them twice and it has given me a focus to move forward and develop a plan so that when the tough times come around, I had something written down to work with.

I'm sure with the holiday it will be slow on here tonight, but don't give up. There are so many amazing people on here who can help you....

I'm just DDay#2+_6 days, so take this for what it's worth (granted, I'm thirteen years past DDay #1, so a little experience).

Read everything you can on this site. Then read it again! Lots of great information here. Information on how to help your marriage and help your spouse come out of the fog that is the other person.

It sucks, it hurts, it's like talking to the wall, but understand that your wayward spouse is in la-la land and is not using all of their brain to think clearly. This site has been a Godsend to me! I simply couldn't continue without the support provided here.

I'm sure you will get much better advice than I'm giving now (especially after a few beverages...Happy new Year!

My counselor put it nicely when he said, "when a person is falling in love, their brain chemistry changes...they don't see the world correctly...they are falling in love...or so they think" (it's what we call at MB the 'fog'). Ready, post, read some more, post some more, then develop a plan.

Hang in there.

zambo, I am sorry you are here. But you are in the right place.

Counseling is useless when one party is an affair. It will be a waste of your time. And that is in a venue with a 84% FAILURE RATE. Marriage counseling is rarely successful because most marriage counselors don't have the slightest notion how to save a marriage. Most are not pro-marriage and are little more than divorce facilitators.

But let me run this scenario by you. A fairly common tactic of a person in an affair who wants to get out of a marriage with as little fuss as possible is to hide the affair and ask the spouse for a separation. They tell the spouse they have "been unhappy for years," "I love you but am not in love with you...." etc, etc, and then ask for "some space" to think things over in order to save the marriage.

Wanting "space" always means "wanting space" to have an affair because if a marriage is in trouble, the logical solution is to fix the marriage, right? Well, one can't fix the marriage if they aren't there, can they? If a marriage is in trouble one works to TURN THAT AROUND. But if someone is in an affair, they want to "get space", ie: get the spouse out so they will be free to carry on the affair.

To my astonishment, many poor gullible husbands go along with this and even will leave their own homes to give the wife some "space" under the illusion that appeasing her will save their marriaqe.

In reality, moving out only enables the affair and puts the spouse in a terrible legal position. Many courts view this as abandonment. It allows the OM to come into the home and take the place of the betrayed husband. They flaunt the affair in front of the children and tell them a pretty story about how this is mommy's new "friend," teaching children that wrong is right.

Does this scenario have any resonance for you?

Hello and Welcome,



Zambo--re-read what you wrote; Does this really sound like a plausible set of events to you? Really, reading it, it sounds like something a 12 year old might write in a short story. I am not depracating you or your ability to communicate. YOU seem very articulate. It just sounds like something your wayward wife told you that is the G rated version of events that really happened.


[/quote]She has since our discussion stopped spending so much time with him, and only sees him outside of work if his wife is present. I still feel uncomfortable about it, even though I believe my wife when she says that the romantic feelings are gone. [/quote]

Does his wife know about the situation? His wife is spending time with her H and your wife--does she know they have been "kissing"?

[/quote] Being that we are still separated and the fragile nature of our relationship, I don't feel like I can use plan B without pushing her further away from me. Any ideas about how I can handle this? [/quote]

I agree that it is not time for plan B, but it seems that she has pushed you quite a ways away already since you are out of the home and have minimal contact with her. Can you move back into your home? It would really be best if you could move back in.

[/quote]The counselor doesn't know about this yet, since we just started and I don't want to make any waves since I am glad that my wife has agreed to go and don't want to endanger that.
I would appreciate any helpful ideas or thoughts on this. Thanks. [/quote]

I don't think you can proceed without making waves in order to save your marriage: You are not living in your home, have minimal contact with your daughter, minimal contact with your wife. Your wife acknowledges that she "kissed" a coworker. I think it will be hard to respond to all of that with a plan that does not make "waves".

Welcolm to MB. Last place any of us wanted to be.


I sence a person being "gaslighted" here into thinking that this A has not been going on for at least a year or more at this point.


Bullcrap!! This has been going on and is far more involved than you ever imagined.

Why did you move out and abandon your M?

Space is a code word to let me have my A in peace without your prying eyes. Time to do a lot more digging into the "space" you have given your WW to carry on her A under your nose.

I wish you well but fear you are very much in the dark about what is going on and have been for quite some time.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Married 4 1/2 years, been together 9 years. Separated 9 months. She is paying, I am the one living somewhere else. This was her request, not mine. all based upon my failure to be responsible in the past. I have since made huge changes in the areas she has had problems with. We have just started counseling together, and that is how we were introduced to the Harley material.

Bingo.

Yes it does in some ways. I do want you to know a few things though. First, I did not decide to move out, it was her decision and was based upon my failures as a husband which I have since been trying to fix and improve. Also, I stick close enough to the family to make sure I have a keen eye on what is going on. second. I do believe that the counseling will work good for us, I am skeptical of most counseling and doctors in general, but this guy has a biblical background(seminary degree as well as great psychological credentials). He is the one who gave me the Marley book, and got me on this site. I am fairly certain that there is no contact with the other man that I do not know about outside of work. My wife also seems willing to take small steps towards restoring our marriage. She has shown many great attitude changes just since our counseling session together where we were introduced to the Love Bank/Buster concepts.

Maybe so, and I do plan to try to investigate this without offending my wife. I am close enough now though to know whether or not something is or isn't going on. I am worried about the truth about the past though. I want to get to the bottom of this without making her feel like I don't trust or believe her, since things are going so well now between us, and she is finally beginning to make efforts towards restoration.

zambo

It was her decision based on the fact she was having an affair.

Since when does she get to decide you have to move out?

Counselling is useless while she is in an affair. If she works with the guy or has ANY contact with him she is in an affair.

She has since our discussion stopped spending so much time with him, and only sees him outside of work if his wife is present. I still feel uncomfortable about it, even though I believe my wife when she says that the romantic feelings are gone. [/quote]

Does his wife know about the situation? His wife is spending time with her H and your wife--does she know they have been "kissing"?

[/quote] Being that we are still separated and the fragile nature of our relationship, I don't feel like I can use plan B without pushing her further away from me. Any ideas about how I can handle this? [/quote]

I agree that it is not time for plan B, but it seems that she has pushed you quite a ways away already since you are out of the home and have minimal contact with her. Can you move back into your home? It would really be best if you could move back in.

[/quote]The counselor doesn't know about this yet, since we just started and I don't want to make any waves since I am glad that my wife has agreed to go and don't want to endanger that.
I would appreciate any helpful ideas or thoughts on this. Thanks. [/quote]

I don't think you can proceed without making waves in order to save your marriage: You are not living in your home, have minimal contact with your daughter, minimal contact with your wife. Your wife acknowledges that she "kissed" a coworker. I think it will be hard to respond to all of that with a plan that does not make "waves". [/quote]

I am worried that things may have been deeper than I have been told. But I am also willing to consider that m wife's words are true. I don't think that she has the heart to betray her husband and daughter by going further than that. I think that she thinks that there was no adultery at all considering how far she allowed it to go. I have always known her to be a woman of boundaries that she will set up and not go past and appease her conscience because of it.

Yes the other mans wife knows and she has "forgiven" her "apologetic" husband and continues to allow the friendship, although she has expressed her uncomfortably with it, which explains them only spending time together when she is there. And according to the story they have only kissed one time and that was about 6 months ago. And since they have spent time apart.

I actually do have quite the amount of contact with both my wife and daughter(I have made sure of it.) As of today, no I cannot move back in, since that would be a sign of disrespect towards my wife, and an extreme lovebuster. I know that moving back in would be best, and I am working towards that, but anything demanding towards her just pushes her away, so I am going to have to meet her emotional needs the best I can in my position that I am in until it becomes much easier for her to consider wanting me living there again. (I do stay there on occasion, 1-4 times a week, it fluctuates depending upon her mood, and my circumstance.) My prayer and goal is that i make the best of the times I am there so that me being there is seen as a benefit, and not a burden. This is hard for me, for I have bad communication habits. I tend to be strongly opinionated(especially in regards to biblical truth) and I usually speak many more words than necessary.

And I have made "waves' already(bringing this up to all parties involved, and stating my view on what needs to be done; no contact), but do not want to continue to make things a conflict and therefore kill the intimacy I have been trying to rebuild.

hope this clarifies some things and gives you a better idea of what is going on, and where things are at.

zambo

well considering I was not providing proper financial support(as well as being involved in drugs at the time), in some respects, she does have a right to tell me to leave. But now that I have changed in many ways, I think she should now let me back in, but I can't force her to do that.

also, she hardly knew the guy when she had me move out.

and you know this because........ she told you?????

just so you don't think I was smoking crack rocks or something, drugs=mary jane regardless, my smoking was affecting our family and relationship, as well as putting me in legal risk.

he had just got hired at the time.

This has to be one of the best cases of gas-lighting that I've ever seen on this forum. A BS that's actually been convinced that living in his own home would be a sign of disrespect towards his WW!

Zambo,

You're being gaslighted.

You have a fog of your own that is so thick it's disturbing.

For starters, you have been kicked out of your own home, separated from your daughter, and you're ok with this? You blame yourself?

Second, a walk and a kiss?

Please!

We've been on this forum long enough to know that there's a lot more going on thanY this.

She's pulled a good one on you, my friend.

I know what you're thinking too. You're thinking, "These guys just dont know WW like I do. She's sweet and she's different and they just don't know her like I do. She wouldn't cross the boundary more than just kissing."

I told myself similar things. Sure, her Myspace page was just to "make friends". Sure, it was just innocent flirting and i was the one who was crazy to think otherwise despite the evidence to the contrary.

I was the one who was irrational and crazy.

So this woman takes you away from your home and your daughter and you blame yourself. Brilliant. She is a very smart woman indeed.

You're being setup, bud. You're being setup as a man who left, because you did, and who has drug problems and therefore can't see his daughter as often as he should.

It's brilliant and you're falling for it hook, line and sinker.

What should you do?

Move into your home. Not doing so puts your rights as a father in very real danger.

Second, it gives you the time to spend with your WW to actually work on your marriage.

Third, it removes her ability to continue cheating. If she's not cheating with the same guy, then she's cheating with someone else.

You would disrupt that or make it difficult with your presence.

Seriously, what would she do if you move back into your home?

You're being gaslighted and need to wake up. Not doing so puts your rights as a father in danger.

Trust me, cheating adulterous wives are very devious and cunning and excellent manipulators. She'll take advantage of your emotions and your desire to reconcile to get you to do her wishes.

And she'll say things like, "I was willing to work on things but you just ruined any chance of that!"

And let me be clear about something, you CANT trust her again. So she has no right to say that you can't trust her. SHE violated that trust.

But what she's doing is brilliant. You can't spy because that would show you don't trust. Absolutely brilliant. She cheats on you and has you supporting her, out of your home, and buying her garbage.

No better way to keep cake eating than to give you the illusion that she's contemplating recovery. Absolutely brilliant.

I never said that I am ok with not living at home, forcefully moving in would come across as disrespectful.

... or strong and decisive