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I never said that I am ok with not living at home, forcefully moving in would come across as disrespectful. zambo, you are joking, right? You can't possibly believe that going to your own home is disrespectful. Kicking a man out of his own home to have an affair IS disrespect. Going home is not. It is not a lovebuster to go to your own home, friend. Lets look at the list of lovebusters: Selfish Demands Disrespectful Judgments Angry Outbursts Annoying Habits Independent Behavior Dishonesty Nowhere on there does it say that not enabling your wife's adultery by vacating your own home is a lovebuster. That is insane. Leaving your home was ENABLING your wifes affair and ABANDONING your children. The OM is now free to go into your home and corrupt your children. This is how little children are molested and you have left them at a time when they needed you most. Appeasing a wayward who is hellbent on destroying your marriage for her adultery will result in a .............destroyed marriage. Appeasement will lead to the destruction of your marriage and your children's family. You have abandoned your children, Sir. And most judges view it as such.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I want to get to the bottom of this without making her feel like I don't trust or believe her, since things are going so well now between us, and she is finally beginning to make efforts towards restoration. How are things going well between you when she is having an affair and you have been allowed her to boot you from your home?  You should not make her feel like she is trusted if she is not trustworthy. That would be silly. Your wife is having an affair, Sir. How in the world is that trustworthy behavior? Do you think that a person who lies to you and cheats on you is "trustworthy" or worthy of "belief?" Zambo... Zambo... This is quite scary to see someone this foggy. Do you think that maybe you should try to save your marriage?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Zambo,
My advice comes as a man who did exactly what you're doing. You're appeasing. You're making classic mistakes.
You will kick yourself in the butt months from now for not listening.
Taking action works. Ticking off your WW works.
Doing what you're doing doesn't.
Ignore at your own peril.
And I know what you're thinking, "they just don't have all the facts. They just don't know my WW and I and our unique situation."
You're not unique and you're not special and we have seen your story over and over again.
I was your story. I followed the policy of appeasement.
D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06
DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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Zambo,
You're being gaslighted.
You have a fog of your own that is so thick it's disturbing.
For starters, you have been kicked out of your own home, separated from your daughter, and you're ok with this? You blame yourself?
Second, a walk and a kiss?
Please!
We've been on this forum long enough to know that there's a lot more going on thanY this.
She's pulled a good one on you, my friend.
I know what you're thinking too. You're thinking, "These guys just dont know WW like I do. She's sweet and she's different and they just don't know her like I do. She wouldn't cross the boundary more than just kissing."
I told myself similar things. Sure, her Myspace page was just to "make friends". Sure, it was just innocent flirting and i was the one who was crazy to think otherwise despite the evidence to the contrary.
I was the one who was irrational and crazy.
So this woman takes you away from your home and your daughter and you blame yourself. Brilliant. She is a very smart woman indeed.
You're being setup, bud. You're being setup as a man who left, because you did, and who has drug problems and therefore can't see his daughter as often as he should.
It's brilliant and you're falling for it hook, line and sinker.
What should you do?
Move into your home. Not doing so puts your rights as a father in very real danger.
Second, it gives you the time to spend with your WW to actually work on your marriage.
Third, it removes her ability to continue cheating. If she's not cheating with the same guy, then she's cheating with someone else.
You would disrupt that or make it difficult with your presence.
Seriously, what would she do if you move back into your home?
You're being gaslighted and need to wake up. Not doing so puts your rights as a father in danger.
Trust me, cheating adulterous wives are very devious and cunning and excellent manipulators. She'll take advantage of your emotions and your desire to reconcile to get you to do her wishes.
And she'll say things like, "I was willing to work on things but you just ruined any chance of that!"
And let me be clear about something, you CANT trust her again. So she has no right to say that you can't trust her. SHE violated that trust.
But what she's doing is brilliant. You can't spy because that would show you don't trust. Absolutely brilliant. She cheats on you and has you supporting her, out of your home, and buying her garbage.
No better way to keep cake eating than to give you the illusion that she's contemplating recovery. Absolutely brilliant. For starters, I don't have a drug problem I quit when all of this started, so don't assume things like that. Secondly, I am not ok with being out of my home and away from my daughter, and my wife knows that. I did not make the choice, so I am not the primary one to blame, but if I was a responsible father and husband(which I am now, but wasn't then) than the conditions would not be set up for that decision. Now she needs to realise that she shook me up, therefore her decision served it's purpose and she needs to let me back. Also, you don't know for sure that she is cheating, although it maybe a good assumption based upon some evidence, and others experiences, you don't know for sure. I understand that moving back in would be the best thing for us. But if I demand that, she will flip out and say I am trying to be controling and get my way like I used to do. I want to wait untill she is at least more open to the idea. I know I need to spend more time with her, but forced time spent is not useful. She is definitly moving towards reconciliation, but is not emotionally ready for it yet, I am just praying she tears down her walls and gives me a chance to love her from up close rather from a distance. I can promote that by doing things that meet her emotional needs when I can. The little bit I have been doing this lately has brought her so much closer to me. I don't want to ruin the progress I have made. Don't get me wrong though, I do apreciate your insight, and agree that moving in would be best for us(if I thought otherwise I would be an idiot). I just need to figure out how to be able to do it without it seeming like a sign of extreme disrespect towards her. She has just started reading Fall in Love, Stay in Love, and I hope that this will open her eyes to the truth that we can't fix this marriage by being separated. Any ideas on how to be able to move in respectfully(without turning things into a battle that won't be helpful)?
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forcefully moving in would come across as disrespectful. ... or strong and decisive I understand that. And if I do move in I want it to come across that way, but I don't know exactly how to go about it to promote that. I also want to make sure I can control my emotions so they don't make me act in ways I shouldn't when I confront her about the decision. I am thinking about giving it a time limit. A little time to draw her closer emotionally before I do this. I am starting school in a few weeks, to work towards a nursing degree, so I can support my family properly. I will have to minimize work once I start, and won't be able to rent a place of my own, so I am thinking about maybe moving in then since being at home then would be even more obviously the best thing for my family, short term and long term.
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[Any ideas on how to be able to move in respectfully(without turning things into a battle that won't be helpful)? Yes, do it respectfully. Go home and say "hi honey, I am home!" Be very respectful. You are under the illusion that appeasement at all cost will save your marriage. You believe that ENABLING will buy you a marriage. You are sorely mistaken. You are an ENABLER, Sir. You are not going to make it if you continue on that path, I assure you. Because if you enable someone whose goal is to destroy your marriage..........you will have a destroyed marriage. If you want to save your marriage, then you have to knock off the pansy bullcrap and start defending your family. You have taken the easier, softer way at your expense and at your own childs expense. The way to save your marriage is to stop being an enabler and start defending this assault on your marriage and your childs family.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[And if I do move in I want it to come across that way, but I don't know exactly how to go about it to promote that. I also want to make sure I can control my emotions so they don't make me act in ways I shouldn't when I confront her about the decision. I am thinking about giving it a time limit. A little time to draw her closer emotionally before I do this. You are not going to make it. You are looking for the conflict avoiders path and conflict avoiders don't make it. You want the easy peasy way so you don't have to lift a finger. You will get out of this what you put into it. You put in nothing, that is what you get.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I never said that I am ok with not living at home, forcefully moving in would come across as disrespectful. zambo, you are joking, right? You can't possibly believe that going to your own home is disrespectful. Kicking a man out of his own home to have an affair IS disrespect. Going home is not. It is not a lovebuster to go to your own home, friend. Lets look at the list of lovebusters: Selfish Demands Disrespectful Judgments Angry Outbursts Annoying Habits Independent Behavior Dishonesty Nowhere on there does it say that not enabling your wife's adultery by vacating your own home is a lovebuster. That is insane. Leaving your home was ENABLING your wifes affair and ABANDONING your children. The OM is now free to go into your home and corrupt your children. This is how little children are molested and you have left them at a time when they needed you most. Appeasing a wayward who is hellbent on destroying your marriage for her adultery will result in a .............destroyed marriage. Appeasement will lead to the destruction of your marriage and your children's family. You have abandoned your children, Sir. And most judges view it as such. The decision would be assumed by her to be a selfish demand. Although in reality that is far from the truth, she will take it as such. I see my child very often, nearly everyday. She would tell me if she was hurt, and also would tell me if the man was there. She is open about everything. What was I supposed to do, when my wife showed up at our door with her father and told me to leave? By what you say about judge's views, does that mean I have a legal right to be in my home, even if I am not providing much money towards rent and bills? All this info is helpful. I just need to be able to deal with this with a clear head, and not get into emotional outbursts that would harm us in the proccess.
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I want to get to the bottom of this without making her feel like I don't trust or believe her, since things are going so well now between us, and she is finally beginning to make efforts towards restoration. How are things going well between you when she is having an affair and you have been allowed her to boot you from your home? You should not make her feel like she is trusted if she is not trustworthy. That would be silly. Your wife is having an affair, Sir. How in the world is that trustworthy behavior? Do you think that a person who lies to you and cheats on you is "trustworthy" or worthy of "belief?" Zambo... Zambo... This is quite scary to see someone this foggy. Do you think that maybe you should try to save your marriage? of course I should try, I have been. Give me some practial suggestsions on how to go about doing this. Also you are right, I shouldn't trust her, and if she says anything of the sort I will let her know that.
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[And if I do move in I want it to come across that way, but I don't know exactly how to go about it to promote that. I also want to make sure I can control my emotions so they don't make me act in ways I shouldn't when I confront her about the decision. I am thinking about giving it a time limit. A little time to draw her closer emotionally before I do this. You are not going to make it. You are looking for the conflict avoiders path and conflict avoiders don't make it. You want the easy peasy way so you don't have to lift a finger. You will get out of this what you put into it. You put in nothing, that is what you get. I am putting much work into removing the many reasons(personal failures and bad habits) that I got myself into this. I am bairly coming to a place were it is showing drasticly in my life. I want her to be able to see this before I just move back in. I am seriously considering moving back in, and you all are definitly helping to push me in that direction. I do have a hard time with conflict, mostly because I don't handle it properly, that is why I am seeking advice on how to go about this wisely.
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[ The decision would be assumed by her to be a selfish demand. Although in reality that is far from the truth, she will take it as such. That is just silly. Going to one's own home is not a "selfish demand." You have not read the definition correctly. Kicking you out WAS a selfish demand. What was I supposed to do, when my wife showed up at our door with her father and told me to leave? Say no? Wouldn't that be what a rational, sane person would do when asked unfairly to leave his own home? Do you even imagine for a second that your wife would abandon her own home and child just because you decided you wanted her to leave? By what you say about judge's views, does that mean I have a legal right to be in my home, even if I am not providing much money towards rent and bills? A person has a legal right to be in his own home. YES.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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good point on what I could have done. I did say that I don't think my moving back would be a selfish demand, but she would interpret it as such. So I need to figure out how to make it obvious to her that I am doing it for my family, and not for my own personal gain or desire.
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I am putting much work into removing the many reasons(personal failures and bad habits) that I got myself into this. I am bairly coming to a place were it is showing drasticly in my life. I want her to be able to see this before I just move back in. I am seriously considering moving back in, and you all are definitly helping to push me in that direction. I do have a hard time with conflict, mostly because I don't handle it properly, that is why I am seeking advice on how to go about this wisely. Do you see how your conflict avoidance has led to more conflict? It has not served you well. When you say you have a hard time with conflict what does that mean exactly? You go crazy? You cry? You tremble with fear when she is angry at you? What exactly does that mean? I want her to be able to see this before I just move back in. This is more conflict avoidance. She will not see what she does not want to see. And she will not want to see something that interferes with her affair so you will be waiting for a very long time if you continue to stay gone and continue to enable the affair. She booted you out so she could have an affair. Abandoning your family like this has made the risk of divorce much higher. She is more likely to see your changes when you live at home anyway.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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good point on what I could have done. I did say that I don't think my moving back would be a selfish demand, but she would interpret it as such. So I need to figure out how to make it obvious to her that I am doing it for my family, and not for my own personal gain or desire. She will interpret it as INTERFERENCE in her affair and will not like it no matter what. You have no control over the "interpretations" of a wayward mind so don't even try. She will not like anything that interferes with her affair. COUNT ON IT. You cannot make her understand or like your moving home. That is impossible. She will want you to continue enabling her affair. It is silly to imagine she will welcome the end of your enabling. If you only do things she "likes" then you are doomed becasue her goal is to destroy your marriage. If you enable someone whose goal is the destruction of your marriage, you will get exactly that..................a destroyed marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How about Hello sweetheart, I am home and your affair with OM will end right now or I will throw you out and change the locks on the door.
I will also expose your affair to everone you know, including your D in an age apropriate way.
Heaven forbid that you be disrespectful to a WW who has been boinging another OM for a least a year now. That might be concieved as controlling on your part, and you don't want to be be perceived that way.
I'm sure your WW's OM is quite pleased about that sitch as well.
Zambo, what the Hell is wrong with you???
Either you fight for this M or give it up.
Your choice!!
All blessings,
Jerry
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Zambo,
Have YOU spoken to OMW?
Do you KNOW that she really knows about this A?
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Zambo,
Have YOU spoken to OMW?
Do you KNOW that she really knows about this A? I have talked to her personaly.
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good point on what I could have done. I did say that I don't think my moving back would be a selfish demand, but she would interpret it as such. So I need to figure out how to make it obvious to her that I am doing it for my family, and not for my own personal gain or desire. She will interpret it as INTERFERENCE in her affair and will not like it no matter what. You have no control over the "interpretations" of a wayward mind so don't even try. She will not like anything that interferes with her affair. COUNT ON IT. You cannot make her understand or like your moving home. That is impossible. She will want you to continue enabling her affair. It is silly to imagine she will welcome the end of your enabling. If you only do things she "likes" then you are doomed becasue her goal is to destroy your marriage. If you enable someone whose goal is the destruction of your marriage, you will get exactly that..................a destroyed marriage. I don't think that she wants to destroy this marriage. I think she doesn't know what she wants, she is so confused.
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The affair has not been going on for a year, because she did not know the guy a year ago. Also it may not be going on at all anymore, or also may only be an emotional thing at this point(which is still very wrong obviously)
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I don't think that she wants to destroy this marriage. I think she doesn't know what she wants, she is so confused. She is destroying the marriage, Zambo. And will succeed if you continue to help her in that regard. You are driving the crack head to the crack house.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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