This is why I think it is good that your WH has told your sons about his behavior. Even if he did it with ill intentions, now they know at least part of the truth. They are easily old enough to know the truth. It sounds as though the information your WH told them has helped them to understand that your H is wayward.

Ok that makes sense now, I didn't see it that way
S19 has sometimes, and only sometimes, eluded to the belief that 'if H had been happier in the M and had not gotten the cold shoulder' and has said 'well you have to see dad's point'
I have quickly tried to explain there are other options than the ones H has chosen and that I also should have sought MC sooner.....

I have had the benefit of learning from this site and the MC, I need to get sons into IC so they hear a rational view from someone else, I'm afraid this is turning into their dad just wanting more justification from someone other than himself

just read on another thread a good post about other options rather than A, will print it off and stick on the fridge

[/quote]


Ok that makes sense now, I didn't see it that way
S19 has sometimes, and only sometimes, eluded to the belief that 'if H had been happier in the M and had not gotten the cold shoulder' and has said 'well you have to see dad's point'
I have quickly tried to explain there are other options than the ones H has chosen and that I also should have sought MC sooner.....

I have had the benefit of learning from this site and the MC, I need to get sons into IC so they hear a rational view from someone else, I'm afraid this is turning into their dad just wanting more justification from someone other than himself

just read on another thread a good post about other options rather than A, will print it off and stick on the fridge [/quote]

You are fifty percent responsible for the state of your marriage. You are zero percent responsible for your husband's decision to seek an EA or a PA.

But I do not know how to suggest that you proceed now. He told you some truths in anger. I do not mean to upset you, but it would have been helpful if you could have turned into a stepford wife at that moment and said something like, 'let's just proceed with the polygraph and then figure out what we need to do to repair our marriage--I think we can fix it.'

When you mention another option rather than Plan A or B, are you referring to something called the 180? I really think that Plan A and Plan B are the way to go. But I do not know which one you are in. He certainly does not have fond memories right now of you, so it is not an ideal time to go to Plan B. On the other hand, it seems as though you are not able to sustain Plan A at this point.

If you go plan B, make sure you let him know exactly what the path back to you is. You would also need an intermediary so that you can have no contact with him. You also need to make clear that you are doing it to save the love you have left for him, acknowledge your mistakes in the marriage and let him know that you are certain that you and he can re-build a marriage. Sounds like you also set as part of his return to you-the polygraph.

sorry I wasn't clear enough, the post I was referring to was other options than having an affair, stick them on the fridge to help the kids understand that there is no excuse for an affair

The kids work with their dad, S19 is asking him this am if he will still take the poly

I don't know where to go from here either
The letter I wrote that was on his suitcases said much of what you suggested, but should I write another one with a plan for him to get back home????

If you are in Plan B, then you do need to write a letter with all of the components of Plan B. Look at the sample letters again. The most important part of the Plan B letter is including information for the WS so that they know that there is a way to get back into the Marriage and that they know exactly the steps to take in order to get back into the Marriage. You also need an intermediary that will protect you from contact with WH. Are your finances separated so that you do not need to have contact with him over finances?

I would wait and see if he makes the polygraph appointment. Do not do anything re a Plan B letter until you have everything sorted out. You two have had an intense couple of days. You might want to wait and breathe for a day or two and let the dust settle.

Just got off the phone with H, the third call actually but when he started to babble, I told him I would not listen and hung up.

This last call he was much more co-operative.
I'm picking him up (noon) at his motel and we are heading to the poly.

It's going to be hard to ignore the babble he might spew but I am determined I will and not lose control.

Need to call the examiner and specify sexual intercourse rather than sexual contact since he now has admitted to that.

Thanks for your support and advise, I get that you must be getting frustrated doing this on your own.
I am so grateful to you.

I am really glad to hear that he is agreeing to go to the appointment.

I am not frustrated in being the primary support recently on your thread. I just worry that someone else could give better information. There are some really experienced people on here like Mel and Turtlehead seemed to give you good counsel also.

I want to tell you something that I think is most important to you when you have contact with your WH today; keep foremost in your mind your

end goal

--visualize it--seriously--put a video in your head of you and him involved in a scenario of a happy marriage--an intimate joyful, sharing video in your head.

When he spews something ugly, think of what Mel advised you to say. Try to stay calm and look at your

end goal.

sounds like a good plan, am trying right now but all I want to do is cry

I'll be all right

thanks again, not to just you but yes to everyone who has guided me

20 yrs married with kids and 2 dogs
Have patience. Have patience. Have patience.
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

You and he are taking a step toward radical honesty. I think it is a big step toward marital intimacy.

I know it is hard, but it is a positive thing you are doing for recovery of your marriage.

Green, the color of calm.

You started a post with "hey" a while back. That is the family term of endearment when I talk to my oldest who is now 19 and away at University. It sounded very familiar to me when you used it....."Hey"............."Hey".

Are you Canadian?

100% rural Canadian farm girl

Need to leave now, I feel better and I look great if I do say so myself. Pink shiny lip gloss to boot.
Have read about the godess stuff.

Bye for now

If you are in the Eastern part of Canada, here is a shout out from across the...

Not from the eastern but have visited out there twice and it is amazing, there is something about being near the ocean that is so calming yet exciting
If I am out there again , I will give a big shout back

The verdict is in..... WH...HAS NOT have sexual intercourse with anyone, other than me since 2003

This was really good news but I didn't feel like I could jump and down and scream it to the world, I thought that would minimize everything else. He sort of thinks that this clears him. I do feel good, I honestly did not believe he would finally do it.
This is such a big step, I'm still cautious because I've been hopeful before and then knocked down, and of course I still here babble.

This was also good..... WH also admitted to calling her twice, from a pay phone (not sure where you find them anymore??) and from an employee's cell phone.
That was awhile ago but I forget exactly when he said it was. My mind was full of 'what if's about the test.
Had a good car ride there and back, when the babble started for the 4th time I threatend to drop him at the side of the road and he politely shut up.

This is not a test for the weak. After it was over he was visibly stressed out, have actually not seen him like this before. He was quiet and initially seemed really angry at me for wanting the test, arms crossed, pursed lips, red eyes and only looking out the window, saw the knees have little quibbles too.

I didn't say too much for awhile but I did tell him that I was proud he did it, and I felt a little safer and that it was a big step forward for both of us.

I also told him that this was one step of many at rebuilding. I couldn't live in a marriage without honesty and he had to deal with that issue before he could return home. I feel that if he returns too soon he will become comfortable and not have any motivation to change things. He needs to fix these things for himself, not just us.

I dropped him back off at the motel, we wished each other Happy New Year, I hugged him and left.
I so wanted to invite him back after he was done his work, but I didn't.

Not sure if anything I did was correct.....I need this forum in my pocket so as to refer to it before speaking or acting....

So now what ??? Not sure how to proceed

Happy New Year Everyone....2009 has to be better than 2008 for some of us...right?

Congratulations Vittoria.

This was a very big step for you and your H. I am really relieved to hear how well things went for you and him and I am glad to hear that you were able to give him praise for his actions related to the poly.

What are your behaviors that you want to change for the Marriage? Is he able to tell you what he would like to see changed?

It is also very good that he was able to tell you that he did contact her by telephone. I think it is important that you make sure he understands that you want to meet his emotional needs that she had been meeting.

Hopefully at some point he will be able to realize that it is not functional to live within his past. My FWh was able to say good bye to the young man that he once was. It took several months for him to figure it out, but that was a big part of us re-building our relationship and marriage. He just stopped cold turkey re-living past events.

We still struggle with some issues related to raising children.

Let him know that you want to know how you can meet his needs and get him back into the house as long as you do not think he is in contact with any OW.

It will take time for you to get over all of this and you still will have some times of anger. Is he ready to commit to radical honesty? Try to give him lots of strokes for the honesty that he gave you today.

I tried to call him last nite, no answer and didn't leave a message but he would have seen my missed call on the phone.
I read your post laker later last nite and decided to send him a text...said thankyou for his honesty today, i saw how hard it was him, I love you and want you home soon.
No response.
Left a 'happy new year' voice message about 1220am. I thought he would have called.

Although I don't feel like I'm ready for him to be around all the time if he is not ready to recover, he didn't sound (yesterday) like he was in a hurry to come home.
He even mentioned how expensive the crappy motel room he is in, and said he should consider looking for something else....like an apartment.

I have no idea what plan this is....I don't think this is one

Now I'm thinking 'what if he doesn't want to come back' and why

The making out session that they had according to him....he stopped in to visit her(July 08) on his way up to visit a friend further up north
After awhile it started raining and since he was on his bike and they had been drinking, she insisted he spend the night. He thought ok, will sleep on the couch.

She came into the room later that nite with a nightie and crawled on the couch with him. He said b/c of the alcohol he was of no use.....hence......there was no intercourse just alot of other stuff. (YUCK YUCK YUCK)

I know if I had not found that text in late Aug, the next time they had gotten together...it would be planned much better.....alcohol later rather than first.

I know I should be able to feel so much better and I do a bit about trusting him since he came clean but it's so hard not to think about this new info he handed me the other nite.

Maybe I'm just tired, I know I feel tired

Why would you trust him? He is still a wayward. The poly was a step toward the truth, not a step toward trust.

Focus on yourself now. Make sure that you are exercising, dressing good, smelling good, do the activities that you need to do--work, hobbies, home improvement, whatever.

You will have plenty of feelings about that info he gave you. He has confessed that he had an EA that led to a PA for that one night.

Thankfully, you intercepted that text and confronted him about it. You have done what you needed to do related to contacting him on New Year's eve. The ball is in his court now.

WH moved back home last night after 6 nights in a raunchy motel, couldn't take it anymore. ( I packed his stuff and threw it on the drive last Sunday )

He was more than willing to sleep in the shed, but there has been glimpes of fog lifting and positive conversations, so I agreed for him to move back in. I have missed him and I can see in his face now how badly he is feeling. No smugness like there was before.

I have had to put my hand up occasionally, you know how a crossing guard does while standing in the middle of the street, to his face when he starts to babble. But he seems to be getting better at recognizing what he is saying as to be excuses. ??not sure if that sentence makes sense

He was willing and even enthusiastic to do the MB weekend which I thought was wonderful. But, after considering the cost of the course, the flight (from Canada, not to mention the crappy exchange right now) and the cost to keep the business running while away we will look into phone counselling. So this is all good.

Have had some down times but have had pretty good ones too.
It's still really hard, I am seeing that he is having a hard time with shame and remorse. He is not someone to talk out his feelings with friends so it's pretty much me which I feel conflicted over, I mean it's a hard thing not to LB something back.

I am better and I am continuing to read threads for advice.


PS Thank you laker, you have been my lighthouse.