Dr Harley:

"I'm in the process of rewriting "Surviving an Affair" to add information about plan B. Some of the main points are as follows:
Whether in plan A or B, the world should know about your husband's affair. All of your relatives, your friends, your children, and the licensing board for your husband's lover. In some states a licensing board will revoke a license if a counselor is having an affair with a married person, client or not. This is because it's well known that affairs hurt families, especially children. And counselors know better than to have an affair.

The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is.

When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. "

Courage is a CHOICE, a decision. It is not something you build up or grow into; it is not something that magically alights on you against your will. It is a choice. And you choose the time. It can be NOW, or it can be in 30 minutes. But the sooner you get it done, the faster you can go to work on your marriage. DElaying exposure delays recovery.

I KNOW its not easy to cut off friendships ... but also keep in mind that F#3 and F#1 are OM's brothers. They likely either already KNOW about OM and WW or that OM has had other questionable relationships. Typically, OM just don't "accidentally" wind up sleeping with married women ... this is likely a pattern with him. Either way, you're better with all 3 of the brothers out of your life PERMANENTLY ... and it never hurts to let them know that it was their brother's actions that caused the breaking up of the friendships.

However, my main concern in your situation is your RELUCTANCE to take any action ... what are you afraid of??? Be honest about this, and we can help you get past it.

Honestly, I'm pissed, ashamed, afraid, mad, upset, trying to find my own way and trying to do what's right.

My family has always had this false sense of "openness." Parents always said "you can tell us anything." But when Dad came down with crazy illness parents decided to not tell the children (us) for fear we might not understand or worry too much. Dad's not a big talker but Mom is, on the surface anyway.

Immediately after DDay#1 (1996) I called my Mom and told her pretty much everything. Wanted her opinion as I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Told my sister, brother, their families, WW's family, etc. Exposed to the world but had no idea what exposure was back then. Counselor said to be careful about telling family as they might not forgive should I decide to work on marriage.

I did decide to work on marriage and it took a very long time for things to heal with family, both hers and mine. Wife owned the A and appologised to family and friends that knew. Took them a very long time to get over.

And that's probably the one regret that I had with A#1...wish I would have kept to myself. @ DDay #1 the A was over and wife was committed to working on marriage, that's when she came clean.

With DDay#2 I kept to myself and thought long and hard what I wanted to do. didn't want those outside influences saying "you need to dump her" or "you must save the marraige." I needed to do what I wanted to do, regardless of any external forces, influences.

I know now that I want badly to work on this marriage. That's going to be hard enough to deal with. My sense is having family know at this point will make working on the marriage more difficult. My Mom and sister would be calling me daily asking how things were going, trying to dig me for info while simultaneously banging on WW. I need to connect with my WW, not spend all day defending my decisions.

I know, exposing and making things hard for her is the point of ending the A. But there has been no contact in over a month and I don't expect any. We have an NC. At this point in time I don't see the value in exposing...the affair is dead.

And I guess that's my reluctance to expose to hunting buddies. Buddies know my Dad and brother...might this come up some time over beers? Slip of the mouth?

I fully understand that the GF needs to be told, and will do that. After hearing more feedback here I understand the link between F#1, F#3 and OM being brothers will make friendship impossible. I'll need to sever ties.

I need to process those conversations more in my head and strategically pick a time where I can contact GF, F#1 and F#3 in order. Want them to hear from me...not the OM.

That's it in a nutshell. Thank you again for the feedback. And helping me gather courage to do things I wouldn't have done without your assisance! It's easy for me to give to others, to lend a helping hand, to sacrafice for friends and family. It's hard for me to do things FOR me. Just how I'm wired. I'm a good friend to have because I'll do my darndest to help out. And here in lies a problem...I see it, you see it, now we just have to get past it.

DNU, did you read what Dr Harley said about exposure? I dare say he is a little more qualified and experienced than your counselor. You are already on here planning how you can LIE to cover up the affair and protect the affairees from embarassment. Talk about ENABLING! That HARMS them instead. The only thing you help with your secrecy is the AFFAIR.

You have already admitted that your W has not given up. Your helping her hide this secret enables her path back. If the OM GF and your friends and his family don't know, that leaves the door wide open. Staying friends with all these people ensures that a time will come when your W and you are exposed to the OM again. Your wife can hear about and ask about the OM from his sisters in law and brothers. I see so many pitfalls with your secrecy that the possibilities are endless.

I can think of no good reason to NOT expose it to these people and end your friendships, DNU. NOT ONE. Your fears are leading to you some very bad decision making, DNU.

Thank you Melody.

Once again you are right. Ending friendships with F#1, F#3 won't be that hard. They are literally 1000's of miles away on other side of country. And OM and his GF are even further away! That's good.

You are right, I am scared. I want to do the right thing. Ending the friendships is the right thing.

DNU, I am so sorry about all this. But can you imagine the tangled web you would weave if you continued to hide this? The only beneficiary of that would be the affair. The OM would be free to pursue his brothers wives. And that would be a disservice to your friends.

You would have to concoct a new lie every year. Might as well get it all out now and all can be forgotten by next year.

I know how it feels to be scared to expose. It's very scary! This is tough stuff. I have had to do this myself and it is not easy. I had to make a decision to do it, suck it up and get er done, putting my fears aside.

The OM GF will not be easy, DNU. And your heart will be broken afterwards. It is a horrible, hard thing to do.............but I promise you, it is the RIGHT THING. A good man does the right thing even when it is hard. And I can tell you are a good man.

Thank you.

OMs GF will not be hard for me to talk to. I've delivered much worse information in the past as result of my jobs. Finding her phone number might be difficult.

And maybe deep down inside I'm scared of what ex-military, gun-toting OM will do?

You are right, hiding this won't make it go away. Exposing to OMs GF, F#1 and F#3 will help the healing process.

thank you again!

OM wont do crap. He will be a chicken

I sincerely hope you are correct. Knowing as I do I'm not sure what his response will be.

My OM is the same way. Ex-Marine(I know, there is no such thing) and all. 6'5" and about 260 lbs. But he never said jack to me.

On a slightly different note: I mentioned to WW that I purchased Surviving Affair book and she said she would like to look at it when arrives.

And she set up time to see counselor today...with no prodding or pushing from me.

And she referred to the OM as 'that a-hole' today.

Progress...slow, but steady.

Need to log-off...wife home from gym with girlfriend soon. Need to deposit in her love bank

Been doing a lot of thinking lately (imagine that...). WW and I have been reminiscing about the past, re-living and re-connecting. It's been good, and bad at the same time.

Some thoughts...

Way back in the 80's the WW and I had been dating about a year when she gave me the now famous "I want to date around" speech. Now I liked her, but didn't know if she was the woman for me. So I agreed and hung around, trying to improve myself (what I now see was a Plan A type thing).

Well, after a week to 10 days of not feeling right about this, getting the knot in my gut when I called to see if we could go out and hearing the "I've got plans", I said enough. I told her, "either I'm your ONLY boyfriend or I'm outa here." She could not decide. Didn't want to loose me, but didn't want to stop dating around.

So I said, "your indecision is your decision...I can't be 1/2 your boyfriend. I'm out of here." I asked for my stuff and left. Lots of tears on her part.

She tried to keep in contact, but I told her it was too painful to know she was dating other men. We needed to stop talking (Plan B, executed with precision and comleteness).

Week later she sees me in video store with a friend who happened to be female. I get the call later that night from WW...wants me back, doesn't want to date around. We work on things and relationship grows to marriage.

Fast forward to my grad school, her medical school (1994-96). She struggles to get in but when she does really excells. Confidence grows. I feel like she's sprouting wings and give her some space (DANGER, wrong move). I concentrate more on my school & work and A#1 develops.

She sits next to OM in school 6-8 hours a day building an EA (94-summer 95). Becomes PA after one year in school and WW tells me doesn't know if she loves me in August of '95. I buckle down and try hard at our marriage (Plan A). Keep giving, giving, giving, and giving more. And keep asking if there is another man. She denies (fog).

Keep working my tail off...finally in April of 96 she agrees to counseling. She finally comes clean wants to work on the marriage (affair over -- less fog) and I'm thunderstruck. Counselor helps us work though things and we make progress. Our relationship grows much deeper and stronger than ever before.

FF again and we are in great neighborhood with friends, close to family, she's got great job, kids happy. Me, I'm happy...and I think this is where we start going down hill again. She calls / texts a lot and I don't want to be bothered (yes, I see it now...was not meeting her needs). I feel comfy in marriage and don't try as hard. Don't deposit in love bank. PUsh her away unknowingly, trying to get her to be more independent and strong in her job. And I'm struggling to re-discover myself. Looking inward when should have been looking to her.

I see it now. It's as clear as can be. She wasn't getting from me what she needed -- those ENs met. It wore on her, it sapped her strength in this relationship. Made her vulnerable.

When we were on vacation (Aug 2008) and she met the OM they connected. I saw it, but just thought it was friendly, innocent. It developed. It "got out of hand" as she recalls. She was out of control (hello FOG!).

Then the November blow up - just after the Vegas hook up. She opens up and attacks, saying I wasn't doing what I needed to do around the house. I thank her for the feedback & buckled down and refused to ask about an A. FF to DDay and here we are.

Things that concern me: her insecurity, her ability to flat out lie (our youngest daughter has a lying issue...i'd never known where came from until looking back at our history), our communication problems (both of us!).

Some days I struggle. I think today is one of those days. I look to her for little signs that things are progressing. My mind wanders. I think bad thoughts. Then I read more here, compare with other situations and thank God I am where I am.

As bleak as things are it could be much, much worse. I thank all of you for the continued support and feedback.

It it weren't for MB.com I'd either be in Plan D or building the foundation for A#3! Thank you again...D.

ACTUALLY, that is EXACTLY where you ARE!!!

No consequences for your WW's actions = NO CHANGE. Given her history, she is just waiting on you to grow complacent and "SURPRISE" ... OM#3!!!

You WON'T expose to OMGF (or anyone for that matter) ...you WON'T confront OM ... you WON'T establish and protect your boundaries with WW ... you WON'T break off frienships with OM's brothers ... you haven't DONE ANYTHING to keep this from happening again.

Look, recovering from an A is hard, and most M's won't survive long term ... if you're dealing with serial cheaters or long term affairs (LTA), the odds go down even further.

In fact MANY BH's #1 boundary is that they will give R one shot, but if WW has a 2nd A, its straight to Plan FU!!!

... and IMHO ... you should be seriously considering this option for two reasons (1) you are dealing with a serial cheater, and (2) you don't have the strength to stand up for yourself and protect your boundaries, if you even have any.

Bang, right in the face! Yep, you nailed it. Spot on.

I'm procrastinating with exposure to OMGF. I'm procrastinating breaking off friendship with OM's bros.

I'm waiting and I'm not sure what for. Trying to be patient. Trying to be calm. Trying to think through all options. What the heck is stopping me?

Wife actually exposed herself to best friends -- one social and one @ work. They didn't tell me, of course.

Big decisions have historically taken time for me to come to. Call it procrastination, patience, lack of action...

Maybe I'm waiting to get my hands on the books to further verify what I must do. Maybe I need a little more evidence this is the path that will work.

Maybe you are too scared?

Many a BS has lived and died their life believing they could not survive without their cheating spouse.

DNU1,

We ALL have our own specific strengths and weaknesses. Successful people play to their strengths and try to avoid situations that highlight their weaknesses ... but to do either you have to recognize what your strengths and weaknesses actually are ... and it appears you are starting to evaluate those in your own life.

It appears to me that one of your weaknesses is that you're AFRAID of losing your WW ... would you agree?

Now ... what would you consider your STRENGTHS?

What would you do in this situation "if" you weren't afraid?

Keep in mind that FEAR is not necessarily a weakness on its own ... its only a weakness if you are paralyzed by that fear. COURAGE, on the other hand, is taking ACTION in spite of your fears.

Rev: yes, i'm scared of losing my WW. Scared of being alone, scared of throwing away 20+ year relationship, scared if we do go our separate ways i won't find someone. Scared I'm going to do the wrong thing, make the wrong decision about this marriage.

I'm also scared this will happen again -- another affair.

Strengths: helping personality. Giver. will work my tail off for friends, relatives, etc. Communication. Driven. Organized. People person.

Knowing my WW I understand that she needs to educate herself about all of this. If I push too hard she'll dig her heels in and get stubborn. She's progressing ever so slowly.

I understand Harley's boundaries and safeguards to marriage. My counselor even talked about boundaries.

I want my WW to understand boundaries importance. Not forced on by me, but a revelation on her own terms. I feel that would be a much stronger committment than me making demands.