ok, DNU, you are avoiding conflict. Which book are you waiting for? Dr Harley does not discuss exposure in his books. He is changing that:

I think I'm waiting for a couple of reasons:

1. Big decisions require lots of thought on my part. Takes me a while to process, decode, come to decision.
2. I saw how much pain exposure to A#1 caused for me, my WW and our family (everyone knew). I saw the embarassment of wife, the disappointment of family. Took a long time for that pain to heal.

Okay, yet another:
3. I think I'm afraid if I expose A#2 my family will think less of me for wanting to work on this marriage again. I want to hole up in my own little world and figure this out for myself. I want to be sure this is the right thing to do, without the pressure of family. And I don't want people calling me an idoit, a fool. Heck, I don't want to be a fool.

I'm making the resolve to call the OM's GF today! They are many time zones away, so it's going to have to be in a few hours. I've got that time to develop a speech. It's hard.

Need support on this on. It's a baby step, but a good step. Hold my hand and help me through this......

Another point...I'm reluctant to ask but deep down know what the answer is going to be.

If the affair is indeed over, I understand telling the OMGF for her benefit. And I understand cutting off relations with OMs brothers / my friends. I'm okay with that having processed it through my head.

Harley's point regarding exposure is that it helps end the fantasy, helps stop the affair.

If indeed the affair has ended, what good does it do to expose to mine and her family? Yes, would help her own her actions. Help me more with this one.

DNU, this is conflict avoidance, my friend. But I think it is promising you are calling the OMGF today. That is a step in the right direction. Perhaps doing that will embolden you to call the others.

I think you should consider that it is not that your family will think less of you but rather that they love you so much that they know you deserve better.

If you don't expose to those people, you are put in a position of where you have to LIE to them to make excuses why you can't see them. That makes no sense. You and your wife cannot socialize with these people anymore, DNU.

Also, how will your friends know that their brother is a scum if you don't tell them?

DNU, there is absolutely no reason NOT to tell them unless your goal is to protect the affairees from the consequences of their actions. That does not help them!

Melody: I need to clarify a little here.

OM, OMGF, OMs brothers are thousands of miles away. Breaking contact with them not a problem. Exposing to them, yes, I'm going to do that. I promise! I see the rationale and understand that we cannot be friends any longer.


My question is this: I'm torn about exposing to my family, who live in our town. From what I've read on your post / quote from Harley,

"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy" and hence, help end the affair.

If the affair is over, why the need to expose to family members here in town?

I wouldn't. I don't see any reason why you should.

Is it over?

Whew. I was hoping you would say that, but preparing for the other answer...

Thanks for confirmation.





The call goes to the OMGF in a few hours. Now to formulate a speech.

No contact with OM for over a month. He stopped contactly shortly after the hook up.

Wife feels used, hoodwinked by him. Kicks herself. Referred to him as "that ba$$[censored]" the other day. I still think she has a little withdrawl left, but coming out of it. The fog has lifted for sure.

So yes, I feel it's over.

Contacting the OMGF will help wife establish closure. I'm going to suggest the NC letter from her to him.

Putting the blame on the OM seems pretty convenient for you WW. It certainly keeps you from revealing to other people and also seems to be pushing you away from demanding any changes from her. I guess she really know how to push your buttons.

I also want to say that you do not know that these are the only two times she has cheated on you. You have put no measures in place to track her activities. You only know that you had a feeling and caught her two times. That means she has cheated at least two times.

Understand that my WW has told me how horrible she feels about the A. She hurt me and knows it. She takes responsibility for her actions.

Yes, I do not know if these were only two infidelities. I do have access to her e-mail (she doesn't know) and I'm tracking her every keystroke on our computers. And checking her phone without her knowledge.

I understand your uneasyness. I'm uneasy also. Working towards transparancy and boundaries.

It's been exactly 3 hours since you posted this ... don't lose focus on what needs to be done ... besides YOU promised YOURSELF!!!

Just made the call! OMGF has been told! She's furious. Calling me back in minutes when she can get by herself.

Thanks for the support!

Good for you ... just so you're prepared ... right now, she is likely confronting OM and HE WILL LIE TO HER AND SHE WILL WANT TO BELIEVE HIM ... be prepared for it and have your reponse prepared so she can see the TRUTH. Also, you will likely be painted as the "crazy jealous husband" by the OM to his GF ... again, just be prepared for that.

Just remember, her world just got rocked and she will NOT be thinking clearly. Make your points clear, concise and to the point.

Also ... TWO BIG THUMBS UP ... feels good to take back some measure of control over your life doesn't it???

That's what COURAGE looks/feels like ... you faced your fears and took the correct ACTION in spite of them.

Well Done!!!

Thanks Rev. Appreciate the heads up on his future lies.

I'm preparing myself for the phone call from him. Not that it will ever come, but I'm getting ready to unleash a 50 gallon barrel of whoop-butt on his sorry behind.

I'm nervous, but feel liberated. This was the right thing to do. Now just the waiting until WW returns home so I can tell her I contacted OMGF.

Hold off on that right now ... give it a day or two ... see if your WW brings it up ... if she does, then you KNOW NC has been broken.

Right now you are in "trust but verify" mode ... let's see if she is worthy of any trust at this moment.

Remember, OM stopped communicating with her over month ago.

Is there difference if OM calls WW vs. WW calling OM? She hasn't sent him a NC letter/e-mail, he just stopped calling.