I'm thinking about separating from my husband of 9 years (together 17) and would really like to hear from people who are now divorced.

I do not hate my husband, he's basically a good man, we don't fight often, but if we do, it's about sex. We have sex about every 2-3 weeks, but he wants more; I am not attracted to him physically, but still have a good libido. There has been no infidelity that I know of. I think I made a mistake in marrying him, perhaps married for security; I've never felt very passionate about him and it's creating a huge hole in my life. We both know our marriage is in trouble and have had a couple of sessions with a MC. I know I need to be honest with him about not being attracted to him physically, but I know it's going to hurt him irrepairably.

Has anyone had a similar experience, and if so, did you/do you regret getting a divorce?

I have a question for you that I would like you to answer honestly.

Are you an active WW? Or considering being a WW?

Because your entire post smacks of either an active WW or one who's fixing to be a WW...

If you're having an A end it immediately! If not then you should read everything on EN's. Surely you weren't repulsed by your H when you married him? The more we love someone the more we see the beauty (inside and out) in them.

Something has obviously changed - and I don't mean your feelings. Thats obvious. Fing the root of the problem - reason the've changed

I was thinking the same thing when I saw her first post yesterday:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2189669#Post2189669

It's as if she is reading from the wayward script.

My guess, and I'm just guessing, is that their is either someone else specific in mind, if not already an emotional connection there, OR, she is in love with the idea of someone else, but that person doesn't yet exist.

But the whole stinks to me of an affair already in progress, or being contemplated.

It's just more of the "I'm not happy, he's not right for me, me me me me stuff that is at the root of most affairs and/or divorces.

I see nothing about her concern for her husband or family if she is failing them, is she doing her part to fulfill his emotional needs, etc.

I suspect she is doing as well at meeting his needs as she believes he is doing meeting hers.

It seems like she is an affair waiting to happen if she is not already involved in at the least an emotional affair.

So you are not meeting his legitimate emotional need here. So are you going to say that you are a victim, because your needs are not being met when it's clear you are avoiding meeting a need you know is important to him?
So there is nothing wrong with you physically that prevents you from meeting his need. From your other thread, he may need to do some work to meet your need for an attractive spouse, so why not spell it out for him, such as lose 20# and as long as you are on the path to success, I'll have sex with you 4x each week?

Instead of trading in your husband, why not find a way to work WITH him so both of you get your needs met.

Marriage is NOT fireworks, it's about being there one for another. If you can't be there for him, in this marriage right now, changing husbands is not going to fix your ability to be there for the next husband. So why not work on your willingness and ability to be there?

What you just wrote is a Disrespectful Judgment. You really don't know if he can take the truth about your perspective or not. You are doing far MORE damage by withholding information from him. Information he needs if he wants to better meet your needs.

It seems from what you've said that he's communicated clearly what he wants, and you are not willing to provide that based on what you've written. You on the other hand, again based on what you've written are NOT willing to communicate you view and sit resenting your choice to marry him.

The mistake was not marrying him, the mistake was for you to marry, as I don't see an attitude that is worthy of being a spouse. I don't see you concerned about meeting his needs. I see you disrespectful of his character in your claims that he is too weak to take the bad news you don't like something.

Leaving him will do nothing to correct these flaws in your approach to marriage. Being dishonest, which is what withholding information does is very toxic to a good marriage.

If you can't be honest with your husband, today, then why would you be any different with another man? You have to correct the faults on your side of the street before you ever consider either getting out of this marriage OR getting into any other relationship.

Nope, but I was divorced by a woman who seems very similar to you. I never cheated, never hit or even yelled. But I heard the very same things, "I never loved you." "It was a mistake to marry you." etc. It's sickening stuff.

Actually, 5+ years later, her leaving me was one of the best things to happen to me. I no longer have to deal with her selfishness, her overspending, her it's all about me and my needs and my emotions and my desires any more.

My daughter sees how selfish she is as well. She actually told my daughter my house is to far from her house for her mother to drive her there. But my girl is pretty smart, she knows that mom's latest boyfriend, (I think she is on #3 after the soul mate she had to end our marriage to be with) lives much farther away than dad's house.

I suspect she regrets the divorce today. I don't!

Why don't you want to do your H?

Dirty, unkempt, sloppy, fatty, flabby, B O, B breath, technique?

Wow, some rough stuff there.

I am not having an affair, not thinking about it, would never consider it.

No, I am not meeting my husband's needs; that is one reason I am thinking we should part. He deserves to be happy, just as I do.

I wasn't repulsed by my husband in the beginning, but the sexual chemistry was just never there. We fell into "comfort" together I suppose. Because of weight gain, poor hygiene, clingy behaviour, any physical touch interpreted as sexual, I find it difficult to be physical at all with him. I know what chemistry is like, I've experienced good sexual chemistry in the relationship before I met my husband.

I am working on things with him; I've sought individual counselling as well as marriage counselling. If you asked anyone who knew us, he would be labelled the selfish partner; I've put his needs ahead of mine, and supported him through moves across the country, multiple career changes and indecision on his part over major decisions in our lives. I've felt that I've had to make all the major decisions and taken the weight of responsibility in every aspect of our relationship and lives together, he is not a strong person.

I do thank you all for the thought & consideration you have taken in your answers. We will continue going to couselling together to try to work things out.