You should go with your gut feelings. If she is in the fog, and has "fallen in love" with OM, then you'd be amazed at what she is capable of doing, including lying, deceiving and cheating on you and your daughter. If she is in the fog, she is not, at least for now, anywhere near the same person you knew before. And, given the fact they both insist on seeing each other as "friends", even though they know how both you and OM's wife are uncomfortable with it, is evidence that they are in the fog.

Zambo,

We've all been in your shoes and we've all told ourselves what you're telling yourself. Yet you know, in your gut, that you're being lied to.

You WANT to believe, but your logic says otherwise.

Sorry, bro, but you've been cheated on. She's likely had sex with OM. She's still in contact with him and they aren't just friends.

There's things you need to do to end the affair. You now just have to make the tough decision to do it. You did great with moving back in. Now you have to continue the progress you've made and take steps to end the affair.

Remember, we're rooting for you. We want you to succeed. This isn't some silly game and cheap source of entertainment for us.

But we know what works and what doesn't and you're definately on that path of "doesn't work".

This is an AFFAIR, not a "friendship," zambo. They can call it a baloney sandwich if they want, but it is an affair and is still a danger to your marriage. An affairee has the same wayward mentality as an alcoholic and will say whatever she has to say to keep her booze. This is why you cannot ever take the WORD of a wayward, but must go by their ACTIONS. NEVER GO BY THEIR WORDS.

Counseling is a waste of time when one spouse is in an affair, as Galoot pointed out. Your marriage can't recover while they are still in touch. That won't happen until contact ends and she withdraws from him.

I know this is an affair, I was just saying that "friendship" is what they are arguing it is. Whenever I suggest anything otherwise, I get told that that is just my "opinion". Im just the jealous husband to them. Lately I have been telling her just that, "I am jealous of your so-called friend. I wish you esteemed your relationship with me as more important than your relationship with him."
The counselor is going to find out about this next session, in which we also are going to talk about my moving back in. I am praying that she will respect the counselors athority, education, and experience.

Good. Except I would have said it this way, "I am jealous of your so-called friend. I wish you esteemed your MARRIAGE with me as more important than your so called friendship with him."

He is not a friend to your M.

I would tell her this often.


Let us know how this goes.

In the meantime, why don't you get a couple of voice activated recorders that record for a long time? Hide one under the driver's seat in her car.

And hide another one or two in the home where she sits and talks on the phone.

See what you can pick up from them.

Also, Zambo, how is your Plan A coming along? Are you watching your LBs?

Have you identified which EN's are your WW's top three?

You said that you were "not providing proper financial support".... are you now?

Well my major LB for her is disrespectful judgements, and it seems as if anytime I mention anything regarding the OM that she accuses me of a disrespectful judgement. Or even today I said, "Don't focus on cleaning the house, just pay attention to your daughter today while I am at work." Her response was "Don't tell me what to do". Wow! I rephrased it into "Don't worry about the house today, I'll work on stuff when I get home that way you can spend time with your daughter." she liked that way of saying it better, but I think she is really testing me and my words in this situation.

Her top 3 En's are Conversation(which she won't let me meet since she doesn't want to talk to me), Financial Support(I still can't provide it since I am going to school starting Mon. to work on a nursing degree so I can provide adequetly in the future. which is one reason I need to be here at home, so I can make it through school easier, and provide what support I can such as groceries, instead of waisting it on rent somewhere else, and food for myself) and Family Commitment(which is the main reason I moved back in). Ironicly her 5th EN is honesty and openness which she is not willing to be with me.

Talking about OM is not an LB. Saying that you want her to stop seeing him and interacting with him is not an LB. It's a boundary.

Are you spying?

I have my eyes everywhere they can be, and know where she is most of the time. she acts like I have no right to set up any bounderies.

Don't let her twist Dr. Harley's program back on you. She is trying to redefine "disrespectful judgment" to suit her. DJ does not mean bringing up any subject or topic that might annoy her. You're part of that marriage, and you have a right to bring up and discuss those issues with which you are uncomfortable.

DJ goes to the manner in which you discuss the issue. If you said to her, "If you weren't such a slut, you'd stop seeing him," yea, that would be a DJ. But to politely but assertively tell her about your discomfort with her behavior is acceptable conflict resolution. Avoiding lovebusters does not mean avoiding any disagreeable issues. It means avoiding demands, disrespect and anger when discussing them.

That is not an example of a disrespectful judgment, but an example of being MANIPULATED into silence by your wayward wife, something you must AVOID. When it comes to her adulterous affair, it is important that you a) TALK ABOUT IT and b) use accurate languance. It is her affair and he is her OTHER MAN.

Bastardizing the English language to accommodate wrongdoing is not helpful to your wife, to you, or to your marriage. Words have meanings and it is not helpful to dress up words to help a wayward hide truth.

I just finished reading "Love must be tough" by Dobson. Does anyone have any ideas or tips on how to impliment his plan correctly. My issues are how not to come across too soft yet also not come across too intense and make her feel trapped. Also where to back off and where to stand firm.

6 days since I let her know Im staying here for good, and 10 days since I've actually been staying at my home!!! We are going to see the counselor tomorrow to talk about our situation more. My daughter is so happy and excited to see me home. She keeps asking my wife if and why she doesn't want me here. She is a smart girl and wants to see her parents in love and raising her together.

Im very confused as what to do now. I'll try to make the story short, please ask for any details. I left for work early this morning, but came back home shortly to find my wife having coffee with the OM. Once he left I told her how I felt about it. Later on in the day I called OM's wife and let her know what I stumbled upon. (she may have already known) I didn't speak to her but left a message. A few minutes before our counseling session was scheduled I got a text from my wife saying that she wasn't coming. I asked her why and got no reply, called her and got no answer, so I decided to go to her workplace. I found her there and she told me I had no right to be there and had to leave. I talked to her boss and he said the same thing. I also got to talk to the other man as he was leaving work, and he played his little act of deception with me, even going so far as to make himself out to be the good guy and hero and protector of my wife from myself. As if I would ever hurt any woman, let alone the woman I love. This wolf/snake deceiver actually had the guts to call me a wolf and accuse me of a grand deception. So crafty this snake. Anyway I left to go to class, and was contacted by an officer that was called by my wife or her workplace. He politely said don't attempt to enter the workplace again, I agreed to that. He also said I might want to start paying rent if I wanted to try to stay at our home. I told him I would try. Once I got back to my home later, my wife and daughter were nowhere to be found. I got a message from my wife saying that my daughter is safe and don't try to contact them. I don't know what to do, I want to know when I will be able to see my daughter again.

Well damn Zambo, I dont really know what to say except I'm sorry and I hope it all works out for you. That is a pretty rough update. Maybe things will cool down in a day or two.

zambo, just stay right there. They will have to come home eventually. She cannot legally keep you from your DD. You have caused great conflict in her affair and she is unhappy about it and is trying to scare you off. She is also accustomed to manipulating you, so if you don't go along with that game, she will realize you are not going to be manipulated anymore.

Keep calling the OMW and make sure she knows you caught the OM in your home. The next time he is there, I would suggest escorting him to the door and calling the police on him. Get a police record of this adulterer entering your homse without your permission.

I wish MEDC were still around, I'd like to know if police do this kind of thing.

I wonder if it was someone else pretending to be an officer.

When you say the officer "contacted" do you mean in person or on the phone?

Were you served w/ a RO?

The officer contacted me on he phone from a restricted number, which they always do.

RO?