I thought the same thing about the boss. If nothing else, inappropriate for a managerial relationship.

TC, a lot of BS would KILL for a 2 year commitment to work on a marriage. My WW won't look beyond the school year in june, which is rapidly approaching.

Oh, and, dummy, initiate sex TONITE. You said it is one of her Top ENs if not the top. I can tell you a partner gets sick of having to be the instigator. She wants to feel desired like she was with the OM. Sex is clearly her chosen language.

She is never the instigator, it is always me, and I am usually met with "not now", "i'm too tired", or "i'm not in the mood." She has only started initiating since our discussions after d-day, but that has been declining lately.

Is that a bad thing?

Is it bad if she chooses her residency over me? Worse things could happen, but it isn't good either.

Well, that last two weeks you mentioned is what i am talking about.

Instigate and get turned down, that is alright. Again, make her feel desired, that is the point.

mike, you typed this on one of your threads a few minutes ago.



that is exactly how I feel about SF with WW. When I initiate, she gets annoyed if she isn't in the mood.

hmmm.....

Well, it can be a real time bomb if you are constantly crossing wires on times. My W and I settled on Mondays and Thursdays, tentative to schedules or being tired or cycles, but we usually stick to that. This way no one is disappointed or feels put upon.

How about a simple frontal attack of honesty;

"Sweetheart, I want to make sure we are on the same page with making love. I thought you were very into it until a few weeks ago and it was great for me, but I also know sometimes I ask you and look annoyed or it is the wrong time. What do you suggest we do that would be good for you?"

heh....honesty....they never expect that...heh heh....

Could it be how you're initiating it, TC? My H used to get turned on after we were already asleep. He'd roll over behind me, grab up top and grab below for a minute, and then expect I'd be ready for him. Even though SF is one of my top ENs and we had SF rarely, I'd still turn him down knowing there probably wouldn't be another chance soon. His approach was a big part of the turn-off. Now there is foreplay -- talking, touching every where, whispers, kisses, exploration... Sometimes we make amazing love. Sometimes it's purely a romp. But it's happening now sometimes twice a day because it's about both of us being together for mutual pleasure and mutual bonding. I've turned H down only one time in three months. And even then it was hard for me to say no. (Yes, we're hyper-bonding and it probably will die down soon, but I'm not complaining about it.)

TC,

I know the Harley's often recommend that the BS plan A for about 6 months. How long have you been in plan A? My suggestion is that you reevaluate your marriage at about 3 months and see if there is some progress or even a few baby steps. Call SH and talk to him. At 6 months you reevaluate again.

What people don't realize but perhaps Harley has told you is that plan A is NOT a good strategy for a marriage because it requires that your taker sit on the back bench while your giver works overtime. No one can sustain that. That is why plan A is not good for marriages. Some of the parts of plan A, avoiding LB's and such are lifetime things to keep.

There is a post here from many years ago that describes the evolution of one wayward lady as she dealt with things. I think it will offer you an insight you don't have right now. Her name here is SKM. I have actually met she and her husband. They are good people.

I'll try and find her post but they are call SKM's Chronicles. If the search function actually worked it would be easy to find her posts.

I must go now but please talk to SH and consider that plan A should only be about 6 months not the two year cycle your W is on. I agree she may have killed things far worse than she ever imagined and now cannot get back what she killed. It may not make her happy to realize this, but it may have happened. Who knows.

God Bless,

JL

I've tried a few times to get her to agree to a schedule, both before the A and after. I'll suggest something, and she will easily agree, but when those days come around, she is not in the mood.

The biggest problem is that she is a morning or middle of the day person, so that leaves only the weekends.

I am sure there are problems with my approach. I've tried to get her to discuss this and give me pointers on what works for her. The only thing she can come up with is, "you just have to catch me in the mood." Unfortunately, she is never in the mood after a long day at work. There have been many times over the years where she would send me an email or call me in the middle of the day to tell me that she was feeling frisky, but when we got home that night, I'd try to initiate, and she would say that she wasn't in the mood anymore, and would jokingly say that I should have driven to meet her during the day. I would have except that we work 2 hours apart.

coming up on 3 months, but there have been multiple d-days. End of January will be 3 months from d-day 1, but the last d-day was mid december. Which one should I use? After d-day 1, emails and a few lunch meeting continued until the last d-day. Since then, it seems OM has cut off all non-work related contact.





I am not willing to plan A her for the next 2 years while she finishes her residency. Steve recommended I stay in plan A until I run out of energy. I'm not there yet, but I can feel my love for her dwindling. I am planning on scheduling another session with Steve for next week.

I would be interesting in reading SKM's story if you can find it, I look for it as well. Thanks,

where I come from they call this a certain kind of "tease" :-)

JL

I found SKM's thread:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=903406&fpart=1

You were right, it does provide a lot of insight into the progression of a WW's emotions through recovery.

I need to stop expecting so much from WW and realize she will have good days and bad days, and to not let that affect me.

Thanks,
TC9

Exactly. My W calls it "hovering". Sometimes she needs her space.

You know the opther insight? I think I thought WW had perfect insight, a plan, was going to move out on ex-date or had her mind made up about something....

She is as confused and rollercoastery as I am. It is important to recognize that and treat her as YOU would want to be treated.

TC,

I am glad you found SKM's post. I have referred many people to it because I think she is more typical of a recovering WS than many think. I would like to know how you found it though. I cannot use the search function and do like to refer people to her post and other posts as well.

SKM is a cool lady and she was very good at expressing herself.
I am glad you can see how this is a "process" rather than a fix. Hang in there, reevaluate, and you have been doing plan A for as long as you have been doing it. It is not tied to your d-day or d-days.

God Bless,

JL

Don't put the cart before the horse. As long as there is contact w/ OM, there is no recovery, just a continuing affair waiting to reignite at any time. I don't want you under the illusion that things are going to get any better as long as they work together.

TC9,

I was hoping that at this point you could take a step back from the situation and reach out to some of your support network to decide if you really want this marriage. Since I have a son almost your age part of me wants to tell you what to do, but that is not my place. I just wanted to remind you to consider all of your options.

well, it is kind of a convoluted process.

I figured that you had probably posted on one of her threads at some point, so I pulled up your user profile and looked through all of your past posts, all 250 some pages of them. I came across a thread with SKM in the title, but it wasn't the thread you were referring me to. But, from that thread I was able pull up SKM's user page and look through all her posts until I found the thread I was looking for.

Not exactly a process that is repeatable, but it worked for this.

I guess I started plan A in early november, but considering the ups and downs of continued contact, it has been less than ideal. I would say I have probably only done about a month's worth of good plan A at this point.