OK. So, if this is what he wants, it's what he wants. Let him have it.
I'm not sure if I buy the "he's not seeing her thing". He's gone to all the trouble of getting an apartment for some reason.

You have to ask yourself why is he getting so angry because you won't refinance... Something is not right with that. He probably just wants to do that so he will have more money in his pocket. It can not be good FOR YOU. Just for him.

And, you can not just ASK him to stop contacting you--you are going to have to be proactive.

Remember, self preservation comes first and foremost.

Browneyes...

I hear you saying that you love him and want him back...If that is what you want, then let's get to work on killing this affair...EXPOSE...To EVERYONE...In one fell swoop...Do NOT forget the OW's side of the fence...What do you know about her? Try going to www.intellius.com and seeing what you can find out...Her husband/boyfriend must know and her parents for sure...What do you say BrownEyes?

Mrs. W

EXPOSE to her husband...IMMEDIATELY...Do NOT listen to ANYTHING that comes out of the mouth of your WH...NOTHING...

Mrs. W

Like I said before she lives in a diferant state far awy and he has never been away overnight or even for hours without me knowing.
I did the intelegence thing and got her address, but no home phone listed.
I wrote an email to his father uncle and sister telling them whats going on and asking them to not support his desition but they are his family.

I think you really need to go into a good Plan B and stop talking to the guy. REFUSE to refi your home. I doubt that this is going to last. The guy has flipped out.

Take excellent care of YOU, and stop taking his calls. He can't refi without your permission.

You need to protect your finances and your HEART.

My ex went through hundreds of thousands of dollars, all of our retirement money, and after 3 and a half years, the affair ended. He blew the money like there was no tomorrow. Now he is alone and miserable. But I failed to protect myself and our finances.

O know I need to plan b, but I miss him so much.He was my best friend and my husband, we talked about everything and went out together , made love I didn't do anything wrong, not a big spender, don'y drink or do drugs, ccok, clean laugh, I am so lost without him, but I know I have to give him up for my own sanity, it just hurts too much to bear

Oh by the way I called his dad and told him about the affair, he didn't believe me at first said Ron told him it wasn't another women he just isn't happy anymore

Browneyes - You need to STOP feeling emotional and do the things that will save your marriage. You must get a plan.

Yep, you miss him and are lost without him, but he is freakin nuts.

If you are depressed, go get help so that you can formulate and stick with a plan. The guy is not your friend, and YOU need to be the one to step up to the plate.

Okay so I found her husbands business online and called him, I told him I was sorry to tell him, but his wire is having an affair with my husband of 25 years.
I told him they went to high school together and she called him about a year ago and they have been calling and texting alot ever since.
He said I am sorry for you, but she left me a year ago, our divorce was final 2 weeks ago and she is planning on moving back to California.

BE...

Call him back and get OW's parents phone number - call them and let them know what is going on...They need to know what their daughter is doing!

Mrs. W

Her parents live here, and she is moving here to be with my husband, why would they care, the obviously raise a women without morals

BrownEyes - You gotta pull up your big girl panties and fight for your marriage. This affair has zero chance of surviving.

I thought she must be moving to be with your hubby. What a trainwreck!!!!!!!!!! They haven't seen each other for years, they are maaaaddddddlllllllllly in love, and this affair ain't going nowhere.

Hubby is way out there. YOU need to be the one to think rationally.

ITA!

Wow, pull up my big girl panties huh. WEll its hard when you are blindsided.
I wish I had done something wrong so that I understood, I wish he was an acoholic or mean, or something, but he's not he is confused and I love the jerk.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think he will come home. but he did ask me if he did how would I ever trust him again.
I told him we obviously weren't meeting each otheres needs and that if I did let him come home I would be checking his cell, email ect...
I understand that he got a high from her and he shouldn't have let that hapen, but I can't let her move here and ruin my life

You are the only one thinking rationally. And YES, you were blindsided. But you need to fight for your marriage. Batten down the hatches, and let hubby suffer the consequences of his decisions.

The OW may move there, yeah, all the fantasy things. But this is never gonna last.

I suggest you go buy some popcorn and watch what happens next.

I wouldn't be so sure about that BE...I am a FWW whose mother went BALLISTIC when she found out...She and Mr. W are responsible for busting up the affair - they plotted together and the affair ended THE SAME DAY that my mother called OM (she knew him since we had grown up together - you guessed it - old high school boyfriend)...Mr. W and my mom saved me AND our family from ME...I will be eternally grateful to them for that...I was raised with morals, and though I did abandon them for a short while, they are BACK with a VENGEANCE...

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

Call her parents BE, you just never know...

Mrs. W

Look, I know how horrible this is, we all do. You are among your sisters right now!!

He is saying he wants a D, he has an apartment, he bought furniture, etc. But NONE of that means your M is over. It really doesn’t. My WxH signed a 1 year lease on an apartment, and 6months later he was trying to get out of it. His apartment experience was the most miserable time for him. He was used to a home, with a wife and kids, and big yard. But he was determined to prove to everyone, and to himself, that he really was “done” with our M. He had moved on, hadn’t been happy for years, same old crap. After 6 months, he ended up charging $1500 on our joint credit card to get out of his apartment lease so he could move in with OW#2. He thought the apartment, with the pool, would be this great happy single life. It was not.

Your WH is not trying to escape from you – he is trying to escape from his whole life. He wants to escape from responsibility, from finances, from himself. Right now, he thinks he has made the quick, easy getaway. But it isn’t quick, and it isn’t easy.

If he had truly been unhappy for 10 years, he would have made a much better plan than this. He would have put his finances in better order; he would have set himself up for a better place to live. He would have put aside money for an attorney, and he would know how to set up a D. But he has not done any of that stuff, and he thinks he is too “busy with work” to file for D. That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. If he felt that a D was the right thing to do – he would do it.

You will talk to people – his family, mutual friends, who will tell you that “it is really over, he has made up his mind”, but that is not true. I am certain that he THINKS it is over at this point. He has probably convinced himself that this is “all for the best” right now. But tomorrow is a different day, and the next day different again.

Get busy reading – Surviving an Affair, Divorce Busters, etc. it helps to keep your mind occupied, and to come up with a positive plan. But don’t try to teach him anything. He is not ready to learn just yet. He is only ready to fall flat on his face right now.

By the way – your WH and this OW are CLEARLY planning to move in together. That is why she is moving to California. Anyone can see that. And right now they think this is going to be a happy happy life living in this apartment. I feel sorry for your poopy WH, because he is in for a huge surprise. This is not going to work out the way they think it will. Not at all. Yikes.

Please, take care of yourself. Take care of your finances. And quit trying to talk sense with him. He is really sick right now, and not capable of making sense.

BE, speaking from a psychological standpoint, there is only ONE way he will become that man who begs you to let him come back - if you cut ties with him for the time being, do NOTHING he is asking you to do, take control of your finances and DO NOT let him have access to the bank accounts, and get on with your life. Show him you CAN live without him, whether you want to or not (that's irrelevant).

Hire the lawyer. Hire a PI to find any proof of an affair, and to find contact info on the OW. And then expose.

The ONLY way he will want you back is if you stand strong. I know it's hard, but you ARE strong!

I don't know her maiden name and she has been married many times,
Her x said she is selling the house to move back here, but she has lived in Washington for 25 years.
I know I have to cut contact with him, but I can't stand the thought of her actually moving here and living with him.
That I promise I will never forgive.

I don't know for sure that she is moving here, her x said she was talking about it.