I don't knpw for sure if she is moving here, that is just what her x said she told him she might do

Right now, what he OR she is doing is irrelevant. What matters is that you protect yourself and your kids.

I do understand that I need to protect myself and my kids, it's just we have been here before and I keep hoping with no contact with her (it has been 3 days now) he will see what is real.
I know I can't have false hope and I need to get on with my life, and how to ever trust again ect..., but I know this man sooo well and I can't believe he will be happy in this mess he is making.

That's because this man isn't your H! He is an addict, an alien. Your H is buried in there somewhere, but whatever this man says is pure hogwash.

Wow just wow.... Can I B-Slap him for you?

Honey I know this is beyond excruciating. YOu gotta go DARK before you loose yourself.

If you need an Intermediary I would definatly use one...he won't like it but oh well he wanted it this way. Sucks for him. Like I said I am only 1.5 hoirs away. I've been a MBer since '04...I'm willing to help if it's needed...just say the word.

So basically what your saying is he is lying to me and I should stop talking to him?

Hi Browneyes,

Let's put it this way. WS's like to re-write marital history. I'll give you an example.

Mine started with: 2 years ago he was unhappy (this was before the separation). Gradually, it became a longer and longer amount of time.

Now he has it pegged at a year after we were married he realized I was an ogre that mentally abused him, etc. etc. etc.

Nevermind that that was around the time ODS decided he wanted to live with us and we went to court and all of that so that he could. And I agreed to it even though we were still newlyweds.

In the first place, he didn't need me for ODS to come and live with him. And I was SO TERRIBLE!!! OMG!!! Yet I stood up for him in court so his son could stay with us.

Oh, but that was ALL me, now. I was the one who wanted ODS with us, etc. It's really insane.

That's just one example. There are many, many, many others.

Just wanted to let you know.

Hang in there.

Charlotte

Okay so I am stupid he asked if he could call after work and I said okay, thought about not answering, but instead sat a waited by the stupid phone, he called and was like so what do you want to talk about.
He still says this isn't about her it is about us and he isn't happy, very confused, just needs time, ect...
But he did want to talk about the money, refinance, ect...
I told him look I love you so much and there is nothing in the world I would like more than to have you home, I can't believe for a minute that you can be happy without us, and I hope when you are ready I still want you.
Then I told him that I can't keep hoping hell come back so it is best if for now he doesn't call me anymore.
Hardest thing ever, it hurts so bad, but I can't keep doing this.

It doesn't surprise me that he wants to talk about how HE can get money to finance his fantasy.

Stop trying to talk sense to him. That just drives him away. You are trying to reason with a crazy person.

Don't refi. Chances are excellent that he will be back. And it is easier to recover if they haven't spent all your money. That is one reason I divorced my ex and never wanted to get back with him. It was too hard to overcome. When the money was gone, so was the OW, and he still to this day doesn't believe that she just wanted a fantasy life.

First of all, I know that some of the replies you get are hard to take but you can't get defensive. Everyone here is just trying to help you through this... It is hard.

Second, do you hear what you are telling him??? In essence you're saying "Sure, call me" "Sure, I'll wait by the phone and talk to you" "Sure, I love you and just come on back anytime you're ready" "Sure, I'll be here waiting for you". This is feeding him and assuring him.

You have GOT to step back and stop talking to this fool. There is an underlying reason that he wants to refinance the house. Now, I don't know if OW is moving in with him or not. But, the possibility is that she is or maybe she's "thinking" about it but not sure. Maybe that is why he is being so wishy-washy. Who knows?

Put yourself first and foremost...your mental health, your finances, your well being and stop worrying about his. Stop feeding and supporting HIS fantasy life. It just sounds to me like he is trying to pull something on you...

Yes, Dawn, trying to get her to see that the situation is very hopeful if she can just slow down and not follow her emotions all over the place. Although that is exactly how I was too.

Hubby needed to protect his boundaries. All along there has been this fantasy starting to grow - a reunion with somebody from highschool, who apparently isn't a very good bet for a relationship.

She may just want to move to California and could be using Mr. BE, who knows? But he has fallen hook, line and sinker. He is in danger of sinking the family boat, and that is hard to overcome.

So if we can just walk BE through the shock of this, I think she will be fine.

You're doing the right thing. Call the phone company and see how you can stop him from calling you.

Then go to the bank and let them know what he's doing, and see if they will set it up so that he can't take any money out without your permission. Or just open another account and move the money now!

Again I understand what ypu guys are saying, but he says we have alot of debt I didn't know about and if we don't refinance and clear it up we will default.
He has always been a spender.
I don't know anything about spousal support or alimony, but he says if I refinance he will sign a legal binding paper to give me $2000 a month, thats almost half of his take home pay.
I told him how I feel. because I am going to plan b and I didn't want 24 years to end with me being mean or emotional, I just told him I hope its not too late when he changes his mind, but in my heart I know it will be.
I just pray I get the chance to throw this back in his face and send him away.

Wow. He is really wanting the refinance thing really badly. There shouldn't be any debt that you aren't aware of. This in itself is deceipt. You should be fully aware of any debt. Is it HIS debt or joint debt? I'm just guessing but it sounds like he wants to refinance to get "extra" money to pay off "debts that you don't know about" which may or may not be there. Maybe he wants the "extra" money to buy another house for him and OW??? Who knows? But, at this point you can not just have trust in what he is telling you. Make him "prove" the debt that you do not know about. And, even then it is not a good idea to refinance. He is wanting this really badly.

I don't know alot about alimony or spousal support either but you still have a 15yr that he would have to provide child support to... You have to ask yourself why would he be willing to give you half of his take home pay? How could he ever afford to do that if he has all this "extra debt" that you don't know about anyway?

And, even if you did decide to go this route, I would get the agreement in writing BEFORE doing anything. I still don't believe that refinancing is the answer to anything except for maybe getting him some extra money for whatever reason.

It is not a good idea and I wouldn't do it.

I understand again what you are saying, but he says that we owe more monthly than we can pay because of his apartment.
He says he deserves to have a place to live and I agree.
He says that we will never be able to afford to keep the house if we don't
He also says he got a great rate and in the long run we will be saving alot of money.
He only has about 21/2 years of child support, my other 2 live here, but are older.
He swears that he is so sorry he has to do this, but he does and this is the only way to come out of it financally oky.
I told him I read that in a divorce I get half his retirement and if needed I can pay taxes and cash it now and that will hold me over.
He says if I do that we will loose alot of money do to the current market and taxes and he will not deed me the house.
If I do this he will sign the house over to me and give me $2000 a month in support.

DON'T refinance without talking to a lawyer. A lawyer will tell you for sure whether or not it's in YOUR best interests. A lawyer will know whether his secret debts will affect you. Talk to a lawyer. Call more than one - see if your employee benefits offer any assistance - call family, friends and acquaintances (you can expose at the same time) and ask if they know anyone who will offer the first consultation for free.

Call as many lawyers as you can think of, call the best, meanest, most expensive lawyers, IMMEDIATELY. If you talk to them, even if you don't end up hiring them, if you just talk to them then they can't be hired by your H. At least that's what I've heard.

And BTW:


No they don't all come home but that doesn't mean it isn't a happy ending. Dancing is having a very happy ending. And a long time ago in a whole nuther lifetime, I was a suicidal BW who thought there was absolutely no reason to live, I didn't even have kids to live for. Since then, WOW my life has been soooooo rich.... good times and bad, but mostly good.... I woulda missed all that.

The life I have now is so much better without XWH. I have a much much better faithful DH now.

You cannot do anything until you clear it with a good, tough attorney. Find one NOW and go over everything with them.

This attorney is MANDATORY if you are thinking of doing ANYTHING financial at this point!!!!.

1. An Attorney will help you get everything in writing
2. This Attorney will make sure the $2000.00 a month he promises is even legal
3. An attorney will make sure the husband DOES put the home in your name.
4. They will make sure the extra money goes toward DEBTS you guys actually have and NOT a home or gifts for the other woman.
5. They will also advise you on what to do in case of divorce or separation.

PLEASE DO NOT DO ANYTHING NOW. DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING NOW, BUT GET AN ATTORNEY RIGHT NOW!!!!!! YOU REALLY NEED ONE.

As Jayne says, get several attorney opinions. If you have never hired an attorney before, this is the TIME TO GET ONE.

JAYNE!!!!

Great minds think alike!!!!

AGREED...You need legal help IMMEDIATELY...

Okay well this is Saturday so on Monday I will do that, I promise.
I really believe he is gone this time and that is why I can't plan a anymore.
I am a mess. that is what he would see if I let him see or talk to me.
I didn't cry while on the phone with him last night, even when his other phone (that was my imagination) rang while we were talking.
I have to cut all contact with him for my own sanity, I asked that he not call or come over and if he needs something he can call the boys.
Then I shut my cell off.
I know I should be plan a, but too hard, I know he knows my strenghts and weeknesses so there is nothing left to do, but pray he misses me and see's the light or that God will give me the strength to be okay.
I really thank all of you for being here for me, I feel like such a failure that I am having a hard time talking to my friends and family about all this.
I can't even imagine if I can go to my sons baseball games if he is there, is it fair to ask him not to come, or just not tell him when they are.