thanks I am finally "getting it" myself for my situation.

Okay now I am legally seperated, someone tell me I did the right thing.
I mean the lawyer told me I keep the house, he gives me 1/2 his salary forever, raises included, but am I not just pushing him further away.
Oh God I miss him so much, and I am so scared he will never come home now.
Is there anyone out there that had to go this far and stilll came out okay, or should I just accept that he is gone forever?

Of course he can come back! I've seen people divorce and remarry! Even 2 or 3 times!

But he'll never come back if you don't start taking care of yourself.

ETA: Oh, and by you doing this, it shows you are strong and willing to go it alone if you have to. For some reason, people want what they can't have. If you can't do a Plan A, the next best thing you can do is start taking charge of your life and look like you can live without him, and might even thrive without him! There's nothing that will make him sit up and take notice of you more than you not needing him. Human nature.

Of course you have done the right thing. Showing that you ARE a strong woman who refuses to let this man push you around and that you ARE capable of making it on your own...

No one can tell if he will or will not come back...maybe he will maybe he won't. There is no way to tell this. Being "needy" isn't an enduring sign and not something that most men prefer. As a matter of fact it's a BIG turnoff to most men. So, by showing independance could only be a positive thing all the way around.

You have got to get your mindset in the correct place which should be taking care of yourself and taking care of business. NO CONTACT and stop letting this guy get the best of you...believe me it is not worth it.

It's like I tell my daughter, there are MILLIONS of men in the world. You don't realize this right now but you will...

you did the right thing
he can still come back, and when he does, you will not be completely broke, homeless, with a mountain of debt to overcome.

Also, please consider the fact that he did this before, and did not learn how to take the precatuions he needs to take to fully protect you, and the boys, from his selfishness. He broke off the A 10 years ago - but he did not learn from it, grow from it, and fix the brokeness inside himself that allowed it to happen in the first place.

You are not just fighting to save your M from this A. You are fighting to save your marriage from any future A's as well.

Prepare yourself now. he is going to be angry. In his little dream world, you were supposed to re-fi the house, give him the money and then quietly keep to yourslef. The two of you would still be friends, but he would be free to do whatever he wants, and end up broke in 6 months and begging you to help him. You have just shown him the reality of D. It is not pretty.
D is tough. It is ugly. It is supposed to be that way. when a man promies to be with you forever, in sickness and health, you should be able to count on that. If you had gotten in a car accident, paralyzed from the neck down, would it be ok for him to leave? No way!! But here he has left because he doesnt feel giggly happy all the time. Huh??

You have not done anything to hurt him. You have shown him the truth. The reality of D. It is best he see it now, before he has destroyed the love you have left for him.

Get yourself on anti depressants to help you deal with this stuff for a while

And fill your calender with good things to do, so you are not sitting at hoe when he needs someone to shout at.

when he calls you to say "that is it - you have destroyed me - you are taking half my salary and I will be brokefor ever, I knew you were a bad person, and this is jus proof" just keep thinking in your mind "I knew he would say all this stuff, it is part of the script"

I heard all that stuff too - and 6 months later my WxH wanted to come back to MY house, and enjoy the life that I had built for MYSELF. but, by then I was sick of him, and had no love left.

Hang in their friend. You are doing GREAT.

Hi Browneyes, stop doubting yourself. H was steamrolling all over you to meet his own financial needs. He was not thinking about your best interests. He needed some truth darts thrown at him to see what his life will be like financially and without you. All of this will take time.

You are lucky that in your state you have legal seperation. Here we can only file for D. Also it is very difficult to get spousal support if you are working and if you get it, very limited time to receive it.

Now that you went to atty. you need to get a life. Call some friends, family, get out -- breathe. Sign up for yoga. I went to that when things were the worst and it truly helped me. I still go and plan on going forever at this point.
Stop dwelling on H, NO CONTACT, if you feel like calling him post on this board instead. You will get support here.

My H is serving me this week with divorce papers. I do not want to be divorced but I need to be strong to deal with it. I know it is painful and sorrowful. I could write a book about all of this crapola but right now I am taking one day at a time.

You did the right thing.

There is no doubt you did the right thing. Now you have some protection from WH and his dangerous financial risks he takes.

I am very proud of you. You took a big step and though it was hard...you did it. You should do soething nice for yourself...be it a nice relaxing bubble bath...or a massage.

Now next step....you need an intermediary between dorkus (thats your new WH's nickname) and yourself. If you don't have anyone willing to do it. Let me know I would be willing to help out.

I really need to thank all of you wonderful people for your support.
Yes this is the hardest thing I have ever been through.
I question the very life I have lived with him for 25 years.
I love him and would have done anything in the world to make him happy.
we were best friends and I can't imagine how he could possiby not be feeling some kind of loss.
We were never apart, spent our days off at the beach or the movies, the family had dinner every night.
He is giving up so much, and I still have everything but him asnd I am in incredible pain.
He is not even contacting his sons now, wow whenever we went on a trip without them we called everynight to see how they were.
I have prayed more in the last 10 days than ever before in my life and at this point I guess I wait and pray he comes home to us.

browneyes, don't forget the one key tenet of affairs: the wayward spouse is NOT your spouse; he is an alien in your H's body. EVERYTHING he says and does while addicted to the affair is nothing more than an addict who is able to think of nothing but ensuring that he still gets to have those times with the affair partner. Even if that affair breaks up, your H is still not back to normal; he has to go through withdrawal, he has to be far enough away from the excitement and thrill of the affair that he no longer craves it. Eventually, that fog rolls away (hopefully) and they finally realize what they have done, and they are horrified.

So don't agonize over what this imposter is doing. He is NOT your husband!

browneyes, glad you are venting on this board, instead of picking up the phone and trying to engage your H in a conversation.

Don't ask your boys if he calls. They will start to feel like they are stuck in the middle.

Tomorrow is Thursday. Make plans for the weekend. Try something new. Get out and connect with people and shut off your cell phone

We are rooting for you.

Well its Thursday adn still no contact at all, I do not ask the boys, they are getting it themselves. They thought he would keep in contact and it is painfull for them.
I wish I could go out and do something, but I am having a wisdom tooth pulled today and will be home after that for awhile.
Oh well at least I will get good drugs right?
I am going back to work on Sunday and that will be hard because everyone will want to know what is wrong, but I will be strong, I can't talk about it yet, but thats okay.

WEll I went and had my wisdom tooth out today, good drugs slept most of the day,
My sister came by to see me and went to get my medicine for me and while she was gone I checked my email and there was a long letter from him.
It said I have been his best friend, lover and wife for 25 years and he believes that we just choose diffent paths in life.
He says he is not with anyone else, he is alone, but he will not rule out the possibility of finding someone that likes the same things he does.
He said he is lonely and sad, but is on the right path to finding happiness. It is not with me and the kids.
He says that he knows he will be broke forever and he doesn't blame me for that, he is happy to give me all the money, I deserve it but he is not coming home ever.
Why the Fu.. did he have to even write that right now when I am trying to go on without him.
Why do I dream of him every time I fall asleep.

"He says that he knows he will be broke forever and he doesn't blame me for that, he is happy to give me all the money, I deserve it but he is not coming home ever."

Have that signed and approved by your attorney.

The funny thing is that after I cried and sobbed, I decided screw him, I get the house and the kids and he has cronic bad breath anyway.
I would have done anything to make him happy and he goes on about things like he likes to hike and golf and I don't, well you know what I thought I was giving him time to be with his boys and his friends.
He is not the person I thought he was, he is a looser who wants to be alone, he says maybe one day he will find a women who wants the same things he does, but who would want a man with no home, no money who would walk away from a 25 year marriage selfisly to find himself.
Okay so now that that is over, I ate my dinner with my kids, we don't have to wait till he gets home at 730 anymore, we had fun and laughed for the first time in a long time.
I am going back to work on Sunday, I will get through this, I just pray I get the chance to tell him no thank you when he crawls back here. I pray I get that chance

That's what my mom did. She said the other day that she was so glad she didn't take him back.

Browneyes, glad you are feeling stronger. You are realizing that your H is no longer your loving H but some fog addled food spouting off nonsense.

Was happy to hear you were laughing at dinner with your boys. So important.

Keep your head up high and DO NOT RESPOND to his crazy e-mail. Agree with believer -- run that off for your attorney.

Believer is ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. I am learning the HARD way....

Geez, woman, we could be TWINS. I would have too. But I REALIZED that it wasn't MY JOB to make him happy. It's HIS JOB. And making your H happy isn't YOUR job. It's HIS.

This is HUGE. Yes, we are their completor, but we can only make ourselves happy. Please learn this.

I haven't been around and yet, look at you girl, already you are doing and sounding so much better. Good for you, good for keepign posting, following the advice to protect you and your children. Your children need you and need you to step up and be the leader of the family and set the example on when life KICKS you down you just GET BACK UP and MOVE FORWARD.

Yes you will get through this, because you are a survivor and look how far you have come in such a short time.

Remember the analogy of the wave. There will still be bad moments, days, whatevers, but just like the waves come in so do they roll back out and you will be stronger for having survived another wave.

I BELIEVE IN YOU....

Hello everyone,
Thanks again for all your support, as I said before this email in which he stated he doesn't belive in marrigae and he has to find out what makes him happy really made me see that I am not dealing with someone I even know.
Why would someone who has inflicted all this pain on his entire family think he has the tight to just be alone and be happy.
I believe he will try, but I know him and he will have to find some dumb women to satisfy him. Just as long as I don't have to see it, or hear about it and neither do my kids.
I am strong now as I don't want this alein in my life.
I still pray God will give me back the man I love, but this is not him and I don't like this new guy.