The past two hours have been amazing. I cleared the decks at work so I could meet the WW at home to tell her about my call to the OMW yesterday. She's been smiling and happy the past day and a half, and I hated to tell her that I was about to ruin her day.

We went in the bedroom, closed the door, and I proceeded to tell her about the substance of the phone call. I told her the OM was indeed married, and on many of the phone calls she made to him in the evening where they'd talk about mundane things like mutual acquaintances, he was sitting on the couch while the OMW listened in on the OM's end of the conversation.

He would show her text messages that were sent, saying that she on anti-depressants and was obsessive about him and he was just trying to make her feel better.

When she would send racy late night texts, the OM would show the OMW and say that he's just going to play along with her.

Basically he was hiding her in plain sight and characterizing her as a loon.

All the WW did was sit on the edge of the bed and start shaking her head back and forth slowly, like she couldn't believe it, but that she could also believe it. I could see her eyes cloud with first anger, then disgust.

All the things her best friend had been saying all along throughout the A about what a jerk and liar the OM was started sinking in. I literally saw the fog lift. Amazing.

I told her I would need some information from her to butress a challenge to the crap the OM was sure to be spewing to the OMW. She asked me what harm he could do to her, and my response really revealed something to me about myself. I was worried about the WW being painted as a nutcase. I was actually worried about that, and angry that this SOB had the stones to hurt her like that. I still don't quite comprehend my mindset, but there you go.

Her response was that during the A, she WAS a nutcase. The tone of her voice was tinged with embarassment and sadness, and much more convincing than tears would have been.

Then I told her about a late night phone call to her best friend, where I was trying to get info such as the singles website where he'd posted a profile in November, the name of the girlfriend everyone thought he was living with in the spring of '07, and any other actual evidence that he was sleeping around.

Her best friend didn't know the name of the putative GF, and didn't quite get me the info I needed about the website. However, she told me that on that site if a profile is viewed, a contact address is given to the person viewed. This schmuck sent her an e-mail expressing interest. She told me she was disgusted with that fact.

That surprised the WW, since her friend never told her about that, presumably to spare her feelings. At that time, we were laying on the bed next to each other, and I started laughing, saying I knew how she felt. The WW looked at me and said "I'm not talking to you anymore," turned her head, and started laughing herself. She looked at my grin and told me to just shut up.

That's when she told me that there were things that she had yet to tell me, and that Saturday would be the day -- the day we'd originally set aside in the first place two weeks ago.

She also said, since I came clean, she would too. It turns out she'd been texting him through another friend the week before. She wanted to meet with him to talk about things. She said she never did it. Then she said she got a text from him around noon yesterday through that friend that he wanted her to call him. That would have been about two hours before my hour-long phone call with the OMW. Wonder what he wanted to talk about? She never called him back, but she saved the text message, and will keep it at my request. Comprendez vous evidence, anyone?

She told me she feels stupid for allowing herself to be played, and she apologized to me for what she did to me, and for embarassing me with all this. This was said dry-eyed, in a fashion (for her) so much more convincingly and sincerly than if it had been accompanied by tears.

I feel truly at peace for the first time since D-day back in November. I know Saturday's final talk will be uncomfortable, but I know that she's out of the fog, and back with me 100%. We'll get through that last bit, and continue rebuilding our M.

I know there will be ups and downs to come, but I think I can say that we're in recovery, and in recovery in a big way.

NOW I can change the signature I'm using with complete confidence.

----
Me: BH (49)
Her: FWW (47)
Sons: 23, 22
EA 3/07?-12/08
PA 6/07-10/08
D-Day 11/11/08

A good start to what could be a great '09.

AHOC, I want to urge caution once again. Your wife has told you numerous times that her affair was done only for you to discover that it was, in fact, NOT. You thought it was over on Jan 1 and all the while she was secretly contacting him through this friend.

Recovery won't start until it is really over and she is through withdrawal. So far, that has not happened. All you have right now are more promises... You have had that numerous times.

Who is this so called "friend?" This enemy of your marriage?

I forsee foggy conditions continuing for 6 months.

Saturday's FINAL talk?????

Unless of course you mean Saturday in December next year?


It's a rollercoaster. Your expectations are setting you up for a huge fall. You may well be in recovery but you have no idea what is ahead of you.


We'll see.

Yet she is a FWW...

Is that BK and Mel? I can barely see through all this fog.

Yes - NC is still not in place. Good Grief.

Anytime you see this in the middle of withdrawls allof a sudden - it only can mean there has been contact.

MelodyLane:

That friend has some issues, to say the least. I'm still working through that, but I think the withdrawl has happened. She told me today that this past week when she tries to picture him in her head, it's my face that she sees. Maybe I'm a little too giddy right now, but the A is done.

bigkahuna:

Dude, get your AMS seal checked. Your forecast doesn't compute. I know we'll still have some rough times, but today we turned a corner. Stay skeptical. Whatever. And if you want me to take anything you say seriously, don't use that stupid looking smiley. Talk like an adult, okay?

black raven:

I saw the look on her face. And I saw the look of final comprehension. She gets it. She told me he'd made some slips in conversation a couple of times during the 16 months, but she was so deep in whatever that didn't pay any attention. Now all the pieces have fallen in place for her, and she's embarrassed, mad, and sorry for what she's done.

----

Me: BH (49)
Her: FWW (47)
Sons: 23, 22
EA 3/07?-12/08
PA 6/07-10/08
D-Day 11/11/08

A good start to what could be a great '09.

rwinger:

Actually, I know where the big smile came from. And the contact that made her smile wasn't from him. Trust me on that one.

----
Me: BH (49)
Her: FWW (47)
Sons: 23, 22
EA 3/07?-12/08
PA 6/07-10/08
D-Day 11/11/08

A good start to what could be a great '09.

Ahead,

This website deals largely with infidelity. Have you checked the membership count lately ?

If this 'process' was this easy this website wouldn't even exist !

You are clearly someone who thinks very 'black & white', you need to bring some gray into your wardrobe or you won't be ready for the 2009 spring line.

[quote=AheadOfTheCurve

, don't use that stupid looking smiley. Talk like an adult, okay?


[/quote]

Hey don't knock the smiley's

AHOC, my friend, your forecast does not compute. You have been very wrong in the past and you are wrong now. Your W has been in contact the WHOLE TIME with the OM so she can't possibly be in withdrawal.

Nothing has happened here except some MORE empty talk from your wife. Her actions say otherwise. You were similarly convinced on january 1st and you were wrong then. As of yesterday she was still in contact with the OM. Until that ends, AS DEMONSTRATED BY ACTION - NOT TALK - you are not in recovery. Talk is MEANINGLESS with a wayward.

Please continue to watch your back and be realistic about what you are dealing with here.

Being delusional is OK but it's not helpful when you are an [censored] along with it.

Your wife was in contact with her affair partner yesterday dude. She hasn't even started withdrawal yet.

I'm amazed you are posting here at all and haven't started your own web site and infidelity recovery forum seeing as you obviously know EVERYTHING and are blowing off everyone who is actually trying to help you.

Delusional and arrogance is not a good mix. Good luck.

Please stop, AHOC. The affair is not done. She was in contact as recently as YESTERDAY. You thought it was done on January 1st, remember? You told us this back on 1-15:


She was still in touch with the OM the whole time.

Is this the same friend who was acting as the go between between the OM and your wife:


AHOC, you have so far been wrong on every count. Do you realize this?

AOTC,

If you want to believe everything your WW says, expose your strategy to her so she can tell you whatever you want to hear, and protect her from the boogey OM, more power to you.

You are more fogged out than WW and this sentence says it all to me.


Good luck to you.

Okay, I just got back from dinner with my FWW, so I have to play some catch-up. So far I'm getting beaten up pretty badly. I expected some of this, but many of the criticisms come from misreading what I wrote, and flipping identities of different individuals. What I'm going to do is assume the problem is with what I wrote, that I didn't express myself plainly. Here goes.

bigkahuna:

My problem is with those ROFL smileys. I find the sarcasm rather insulting. Why not ask what gives me all this hope? You might be surprised, seriously. I might actually have some concrete evidence. I was just handing back sarcasm for sarcasm, so cool it, okay?

Yeah she was texting him through one of her friends (who I am not happy with, and wasn't before) and that was a break in NC. But she also told me about it today without prompting and would have shown the actual texts to me if her phone hadn't died this afternoon. And before you jump to conclusions, the phone was doused with champagne on New Year's Eve. It's been going bye-bye for three weeks. I'm shocked it lasted as long as it did. When she gets a new phone this weekend, the SIM card will have the text messages on there.

black raven:

Cool your jets on the fog comment. I'll have a more detailed explanation for my optimism shortly.

Vittoria:

Same as to black raven. There's a real reason for my attitude.

Melody Lane:

She was in contact the middle of last week, and the impetus came from my discovery that the OM might not be divorced, something I heard him claim six months before any hint of an A started. He tried to contact her yesterday, after he found out the OMW was going to call me and talk to me. She did not call him back. That action says something, doesn't it? And how about the fact that she's happy to show me all the text messages she has in her phone (once we get the phone fixed, anyway)?

bigkahuna:

Your post is next. Read what I wrote above, read your post, and check a mirror really quick-like. You're jumping to conclusions after misreading what I wrote. Please, turn down the rhetoric. We're all in the same boat more or less, and trying to help each other. Getting nasty does no one any service.

Melody Lane:

She did have some contact with him after the first of the year, which disappoints me. But after Sunday's talk it was clear she was still foggy. But her attempts to contact him a couple of days later showed less fog. She wanted to know about the divorce issue. And the idiot friend who was helping her was NOT her best friend, who I guarantee would have told her to cut it out.

Melody, you either misread what I wrote, or I expressed it poorly. Who was wrong is open to interpretation.

black raven:

When I heard the OMW's description of how my FWW was represented in the OM's patter over the past 18 months, I recognized immediately what was going on. He was setting himself up for the "Fatal Attraction" defense. NOT ON MY WATCH! This guy was clearly a serial cheater with a good line of BS. I'd like to bust his chops by exposing him to the OMW. Isn't that what works best?

========

Now for the issue at hand. Please read carefully. Many of you missed it the first time, possibly through poor communication on my part.

When I described my phone conversation with the OMW to her, it was like watching a vault door open. You could almost hear the clicks as the facts finally penetrated her fogged mind.

First tumbril: The talk on Sunday, when she was informed that there was a strong likelihood that he was actually still married.

Second tumbril: The confirmation of that fact after I spoke to the OMW.

Third tumbril: Being told that the OMW knew who she was, and from the OM's description, assumed she was delusional and off her meds, obsessing over her hubby.

Fourth tumbril: Her best friend's comments over 18 months, telling her that his story didn't seem right, that he was a jerk and probably a liar, something she didn't want to consider because of the fog of the A.

Fifth tumbril: Remembered bits of conversation over that time that she'd discounted, bits where he slipped and referred to "our house" and "my wife", bits she didn't want to process due to excess fog warning.

Sixth tumbril: Her pride in her reputation as a BS detector. The woman is the best I've ever seen at spotting liars. More than once I was burned by people because I didn't listen to her. And the detection process begins on the OM.

Seventh tumbril: I'm still standing right there, telling her all these things once again, and telling her I have her back if things get ugly when the OM starts spinning what happened to get his sorry butt out of trouble and make her look like a psycho, which she most definitely is not.

Watching her shake her head slowly as I tell her things, and watching her process all the information she had but refused to consider was really something. You could see everything fall into place for her, realizing she had been played and made to look like a fool. And nothing is worse than realizing you've been made to look like a fool. Nothing.

The fog is gone, and she sees that POS for what he is. There is zero doubt in my mind. The past few days have been good for her and we've been taking joy in being around each other. I've been Plan A-ing her to the limit practically since d-day, and we've been making those love bank deposits almost every day.

Now is the payoff. Any comments about missing him means her aim is off and she needs to resight the weapon. He made her look like a fool, and she knows it.

And she knows I'm still there for her.

I know we're still in for some ups and downs. We're going to have the lay-it-all-on-the-table talk on Saturday when we both have the day off and our DS23 is out of town job hunting and we have the house to ourselves.

I know she'll tell me everything after she complained about her best friend telling me about the singles website and the fact that she viewed the OM's profile, and he, without knowing who she was, sent her an e-mail expressing interest. The friend didn't tell her, and she said she didn't care if it hurt her, she just wanted all of the truth. And I laughed, and she realized I need the same thing. And she realized WHY I need the same thing.

No, it's not pretty. And it's pretty complicated. But if you look at all the pieces objectively, I'm not just spinning my wheels. This looks like a major breakthrough, one that could get us over the hump into full recovery mode after several stops and starts.

Does that make it any clearer?

----
Me: BH (49)
Her: FWW (47)
Sons: 23, 22
EA 3/07?-12/08
PA 6/07-10/08
D-Day 11/11/08

A good start to what could be a great '09.

Man we aren't even in the same OCEAN - I have serious doubts we are even on the same planet.

I've been there, done that. Fully recovered my marriage. I don't need your help. You are delusional and I think you and reality need to get together and settle your differences.

ok AHOC, no one has been misreading what you wrote. The only unclear person I see on this thread is you. Rather, you have been misreading your wife because you choose to focus on her WORDS, rather than her ACTIONS. You misread your wife's friend and wrongly believed she could be trusted. She could not.

For example, you told us 2 weeks ago the affair was "all done" and we told you this was UNLIKELY. We were right. The affair is NOT OVER:

your words today:


Your wife has been in contact ALL THIS TIME by your own admission.

Now, I am not saying this to rub your nose in it, but only to point out that your trust and overconfidence has not served you well, my friend.

Fortunately, you have done some very effective things, such as calling the OMW and informing her of the affair. That has - PERHAPS - made a huge blow to the affair. There is something very OFF here, though, since his wife has gone along with this.

And hopefully you can see now that this "friend" is not to be trusted. She is an ENEMY to you, your wife and your marriage for acting as a conduit between the lovers. If she were a friend, she would have put a stop to it and called you. So, I would suggest doing your best to get her out of both your lives. She is TOXIC to your marriage and will impede any possible hope of recovery by helping your wife be a BAD PERSON.

We hope that you are more clear now about the veracity of your wife and will go by her ACTIONS, never her words. As you have learned the hard way, talk is CHEAP with a wayward. It is meaningless.

bigkahuna:

Being delusional is OK but it's not helpful when you are an [censored] along with it.

Look, you started the sarcasm. If you can't take it, don't dish it out.

Your wife was in contact with her affair partner yesterday dude. She hasn't even started withdrawal yet.

She wasn't in contact with him yesterday. She had a chance, and turned it down. REREAD WHAT I WROTE AND GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT.

I'm amazed you are posting here at all and haven't started your own web site and infidelity recovery forum seeing as you obviously know EVERYTHING and are blowing off everyone who is actually trying to help you.

I don't know everything. I just know what I saw. I was there. I know that look in her eyes. I'm not pretending to be an expert. I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

Delusional and arrogance is not a good mix. Good luck.

I'll just let that one alone. You make the call. But I will take the good luck wish as sincere. Thank you. I have a feeling I'll need it. Everyone on this board needs it, by definition.

----
Me: BH (49)
Her: FWW (47)
Sons: 23, 22
EA 3/07?-12/08
PA 6/07-10/08
D-Day 11/11/08

A good start to what could be a great '09.

Were you reading body language again? This sounds very much like what you told us back on January 15th when you were CERTAIN it was all over by reading her body language. You were wrong then.





here

AHOC, we are not trying to be mean to you, but it is disturbing to see you make the same mistakes over and over again. My greatest fear for you is that it will lull you into a state of complacency. Your wife has demonstrated to you several times that your trust is very unwarranted.

AHOC, she has been in contact almost the entire time. You told us this. And I seriously doubt she turned anything down since it was SHE who intiated contact, not that that makes any difference. The point is that she has been in contact the whole time. And you were very sure it was over back on January 1st.

Screaming at BigK is not going to change that.


Well, you were wrong back on January 1st about her body language and I bet you thought you knew the look in her eye there too:


It doesnt seem that this has served you well.