Browneys, you are growin up! Good girl!

Glad you were able to eat something, and at least have a bit of peace with your family.

All the stuff he is writing to you is fogbabble. My ex sent me a whole garbage can full of the same words. I'm sure hubby thinks he is being quite original though.

Browneyes,

You are doing great... Even though I know this is still tough just continue to pray for guidance and direction and the strength to get you through this. You are grieving and grief is a process to get through. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and your life will improve.
Just keep praying and believing in yourself and reinforcing the NC rule.

Thanks again guys,
today I went to my store to get my sickleave forms signed, kinda hard as 140 people who know and love me wondering where I have been.
I am going back to work next week, and as long as I don't talk about it I will be fine.
Sad thing though, my baby (15 years 190lbs) tells me when I got home that his dad text him and said he would take him shopping today for the cleats he needs for baseball and my baby said no thanks.
He doesn't want to see him.
I had hoped that my wh would be there for his boys, but so far none are interested.
Sunday will be hard as we always have a big superbowl party with food and friends and this year I will work my kids will go to firends houses and wh???

Browneyes, my D15 has not seen or talked to her Dad since 12/22. I respect her decision. Do not force your kids to see their father. They are not little and you need to validate how they are feeling. At the beginning, I tried to force my D to see her Dad and she was sooo angry. She is still angry but at him and we have a good relationship. Will this be forever? No, but for now it is what it is.

You should plan your own superbowl party and have your boys, friends whomever. whope it up. Let H see you have not stopped living because he is being an alien.

I guess this is now the rollercoaster, yesterday I was fine, went shopping with my sister, went to my doctor, had a great day no tears or fears I was fine accepting that it is over for us.
Last night he called and asked if he could come over, I had the house spotless, me looking good, coffee made and he just wanted me to sign a paper for the refinance (my lawyer says it's a good idea because of his debts)
Came in said sign this I have to get home.
I reminded him that this was his home and his kids were in the next room and he said no I don't live here anymore.
Again reminded me he hasn't loved me in over 2 years and that he doesn't believe in marriage, I need to get over it.
I was strong gave him a hug, he said that feels so good.
Walked him out to the car and asked for his house keys, he said whY?
I told him I didn't want to have to pay for a locksmith and I don't want him just walking in, he said whatever.
I didn't d\cry till he was gone and the kids went to bed, but then I couldn't stop.
I told him I won't be calling him or emailing him and he said can I call you?
I used his line and said whatever.

Browneyes,

So sorry for your pain. There isn't any shame in asking a dr for help, do it for you and for your kids.

I know what it is like to not want to cause your kids additional harm and sadness, it keeps me going many a day.

I too have 3 sons and they also do not want to discuss anything to do with our M, especially after the third D-day. I seriously don't know if they are disgusted with me or are distance themselves.

Anyway, just remember your sons are your children, not your friends or confidants. Try not to put them in the middle.

And really really try to have no contact. You do not stick to this and now your words don't mean anything to your WH. Actions do speak louder so all is not lost. Change your e-mail address, or block WH, or have all of his e-mails forwarded to a third party to read for you and have them contact you if it is important.

Another poster a few years ago took awhile to do no contact (lilsis), but then managed to do a stellar one once she put her mind to it. I know you can do the same.

I have people in my life who are negative and I recently play a verse from childhood in my mind "sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me". It is a choice to let them hurt you, remember that and protect yourself.

All the best,

Well, you will find out shortly. Now you have signed to refinance the family home. If you never hear from him again, you will know that it is like we all thought, he is only after money.

Hope that is not the case though.

Wow that was really harsh.
I asked my lawyer if the refienance was a good idea and he said if we have alot of joint debt, which we do because we live in California his debt is mine, and it will lower the monthly cost to live then I should do it.
I did not sign the papers yet just a paper to get it going.
I have been kick plenty by wh without having to come here for support and getting kick by you. ***edit***
I know he is not coming home and I know he needs money, but I have no choice if I want to keepo my house. So thanks

Hi Browneyes, I know you are upset by the last comment. But sometimes the vets come out with 2x4s because they know what they are talking about living through this.

If you look at my sitch when I first signed up, I got whacked for awhile. I was very upset, but guess what they were basically right. It took some serious soul searching and personal inventory to try to learn and survive instead of being a victim all the time.

Need to talk to a financial advisor. You are thinking of doing a refinance for a larger mortgage? Is that because your H has been spending money like crazy on himself and OW. Just because your state is community property and you are supposed to take 1/2 his debt, it is still negotiable especially if you provide documentation of "non-communal" expenditures. Why have your mortgage increase unnecessarily when maybe you won't have to pay for his credit cards. You need to see what will be best for you and your boys NOT your H. He is in fog land and is only thinking of his selfish needs. I kept thinking of my old H and kept looking for him but as long as he is involved with OW I do not know him.

Take care and continue to come here, maybe it is not what you want to hear but it is what you need to hear. This board has been a great resource for me.

Hey Brown, it is not too late! Until you sign those final mortgage papers in the title office, you can determine what kind of mortgage you want.

If it were me, I would force them to do a new mortgage at a lower interest rate WITH NO CASH OUT. That way you will not owe more on the home making the payments bigger. Also, you could demand the mortgage be placed in your name only. Ask an attorney about this...

In addition, I would nail some things down in writing with the husband and the attorney, though in truth, he may not actually come thru on those. For example if he signs a document that he will give you the home and pay so much a month there is nothing really holding him to any of that. You will still have to take him to court to hold him to any agreements.

If your husband ran his credit up to pay for stuff for the OW and his apartment, etc, dont let him drain the house to pay those off. Demand a NO CASH OUT mortgage simply refinanced for the better interest rate, NOT to give your husband any cash or pay off his cards so he can run them up again.

If you do let him pull cash out of your home this will happen"

1. He will pay off his cards
2. He will get some cash to spend on OW
3. You may get a dribble of cash to pay off some bills
4. He will run up his cards again on the OW
5. You will be left with much less equity in your home.
6. You may have a loan that is more than your home is worth
7. You will be stuck with higher payments.

So, be smart about this. Let them go thru the loan process and then make sure YOU DEMAND that there is NO CASH OUT to anyone or to pay anything off. If you do anything but this, you will be taken advantage of. Then, you will feel sad and ripped off but then no one can help you. Please do not be stupid here. Save yourself.

If you let him pull money out of your home to pay off his credit card debts, you will be actually supporting and financing this man's, your husband's, addiction to this other woman.

Woowzer! No one get anywhere by namecallin.

BE: The advice is well intentioned, the delivery service...ah could use some help.

What is your husbands resoning for this refi? This is a HUGE descision to make,

and one you should not be making until you are NOT UPSET about what is going on in your life.

It sounds as if he wants $$$ for debt reduction. Well, that can be done AFTER divorce (that is what you said you wanted)

This is what I told Tully...

#1. You have all the chips (ie: apparently the equity in the house you are living in.)

#2. WH wants "chips".

#3. Why, if you are holding 100% of the chips would you give him some NOW?

You need to ask yourself serious questions about what is your debt, and what you will or will not have to pay back. A financial lawyer is who you need to see.

You may have to declare bankruptcy>sp?. This happens in many divorce cases. If this is the case, it appears WH is lookng for cash to spend, not reduce debt. This will not help you.
this will not give you "chips".

You want chips, I eat them like PRINGLES.

Barbie is right. I forgot about that. In a BK, you may lose the home. Right now, he is going toward bankruptcy. Full speed.

Figure out exactly what is going on with the money before you take one more step, then talk with a financial lawyer as Barbie says.

That is a good idea, Barbie

Browneyes,

No one here is "kicking" you...please try to understand that. We are all only trying to tell you or to reinforce to you NOT to let your WH take advantage of your or use you like a doormat.

It definitely does sound like he is just trying to manipulate you into doing something that is only going to be for his good and we are just trying to let you know that you cannot let this man keep using you to his advantage. That's all.

Everyone here is here to support you. I know that if it hadn't been for this site I don't know where I would be right now. And, the things that I had to hear were awful--but true and sometimes really hurt me when I read them but I was deserving and they really helped to open my eyes. My case was alot different from yours though. Just trying to let you know that everyone here is trying to help...not kick you down.

Hang in there.

BE,

I just made it through your thread and wanted to share a few thoughts with you.

You remind me of a woman in my DivorceCare group. You guys are roughly the same age and have roughly the same situation and she was just as devastated and hurt by what she went through as you are.

Where is she today? She has her own home, is still recovering emotionally, but wants nothing to do with her XH. She sees him now for the shadow of a man that he once was. She also has a set of new friends and a whole new life.

Are things perfect? No. But she's adjusting to the new normal, which is a process that takes time.

My own situation is similar to yours in how I reacted.

A little background:

I was always a strong person growing up, with very clear goals in mind. I went to the Air Force Academy, which is one of the toughest colleges to get into. I lived the military life, went through the gauntlet of courses and training and joined an elite brotherhood/sisterhood of aviators. I made it through the most mentally gruelling programs in the Air Force and became a pilot.

I flew over 50 combat missions over Iraq and Afghanistan in a 50 year old airplane with no defensive systems that was loaded to the gills with fuel to offload to our allies and fighters dropping bombs on bad guys.

I came home from a deployment to a wife and set of kids that I grew to love very deeply through my experiences. They were the one thing I always thought of when I went to sleep at night and in order to sleep in a stinky tent out in the desert I would close my eyes at night and imagine that I wasn't there but at home in my own bed with my wife's arm wrapped around me.

So what happened?

I came home to find out she wanted a divorce and to confirm a week after that that she had gone out with 5 different guys right before I got home and got physical with one of them and was having an emotional affair with another.

My reaction was similar to yours. I was devastated and became a mass of tears. I too felt the nausea you have felt. I lost about 12 pounds in 3 weeks and couldn't eat more than a few bites of anything.

I couldn't think straight. I couldn't sleep.

I had the option to leave the military and took it, thinking it was the only hope I had to possibly save my marriage if there was ever going to be a chance at reconciliation.

In a period of 3 months I went from being happily married and veyr much in love with my wife to being divorced, separated from my kids, unemployed, and homeless (living with friends).

I crashed. There is no shame in seeking help. I became suicidal, a feeling which betrayed spouses know all too well. I spent 6 days at Walter Reed hospital and have battled depression for years now as a result of all of this and putting my life back together.

So where am I now?

I'm happy. It's 3 years since I came home from the war and I'm happy. This is the first time in 3 years I've been able to say that.

I have a girlfriend who is a wonderful woman who treats me incredibly. I have a wonderful set of friends from my DivorceCare group.

I fought for, and got, a significant amount of time with the kids. It was a long and hard fought battle.

So the message I wish to give you is that there is hope and most of us sharing advice with you have been through the he77 you're experiencing.

My mother went through it as well. I was the same age as your oldest son when she went through it. They're in a shock of their own and are hoping that this is a phaze with Dad. I would absolutely share with them that he is seeing another woman. They are old enough to handle it and believe me when I tell you that they will stand by your side in a way that will surprise you.

I wanted nothing to do with my father for years over his infidelity and the my brother and sister and I made the OW's life difficult at best, miserable at worst.

We never spoke to her, interacted with her, or acknowledged her in any way. Except for my little brother, whose sentences to her when she picked up the phone consisted of, "Bi**h! I'm not calling to talk to you. Don't answer the fu**ing phone!"

You are in the depths of a very deep hurt which can only be understood by those who have felt it.

There is no shame in getting medical help.

My post is long and I'll stop writing, but you're getting good advice here on what you should do both personally and legally.

Your WH may never wake up and see what he's thrown away, but I am pretty confident that the day will come in the natural process of your healing where you will not want a thing to do with him, which is when he'll finally understand that he's truly losing you forever.

My father regrets what he did to this day, and he was just as foggy as your H. But by the time he wanted my mother back it was too late.

She's happily remarried to a good man.

There is life after divorce and that is really the ultimate message I want to share with you.

Browneyes,

You mentioned in an earlier post that you saw your doctor. Did the Dr. give you something? Antidepressants, etc.?
I was just curious. I think that would really help you tremendously.

Please print this out, put it in your wallet, and take it to the best finance lawyer in your town. Hand it to him, and say 'make this happen.'

Please!

You know that there is no getting back your old H by pleasing him with this, right?

Browneyes??? where are you?
Has Elvis left the building? Hope you are ok

Browneyes--where are you? Are you alright???

I am here,just been working alot and trying to keep my mind off of it all.
It is so hard to see old couples shoppping together, when I know I'll never have that.
I am just trying to live one day at a time and breath.
He said the credit card dept is in both our names and if we don't pay them off he will file bankrupsy in both our names.
I told him to bring back statements so I know what he charged and then I will decide.
He says he will get that to me today and I will take it to my lawyer as I also want to know when support will start.
He says he has no money, paid all the bills and wants to just take care of everything without a lawyer.
He says he can give me $2500 a month, but I would rather have the court take it out of his check so I can get on with my sad little life.