I haven't read any letters on this subject and don't know how to handle my situation. Seems a little miniscule compared to others I've read.
Thity-two days after my husband and I were married, I found out that he had been e-mailing one of his exes in a very inappropriate way. It's not the fact that he maintained a friendship with an ex. It was the content of the e-mails. "I couldn't stop thinking about you last night. Was affraid I would say your name in my sleep". In another e-mail, he asked her to send an updated picture so he could use it for his personal pleasure. The actual words in that one are too graphic to write.

I was a basket case when I saw the e-mails and made him stop the communications immediately. He swore that they were only e-mailing and that they hadn't seen each other in 3 years. I went to his parents' house that night, not knowing if I wanted to go back.
I did go back. He seemed to be truly sorry for hurting me the way he did. But it only got worse for me. The communication has stopped as far as I know. I found out that he kept EVERY e-mail that they wrote to each other. Years worth. I also found a DVD that he stored pics of her on and labeled it 'to have and to forget'.

I called his ex to get some more answers from her. She verified that they hadn't seen each other in years. She lives with another man. She also said she never understood my husbands obsession with her. She knew that we lived together, but he didn't tell her that we were married.

The part that bothers me the most is his obsession with this woman. How or why did he marry me knowing that he felt this way about someone else?

I've never been so hurt in all of my life. The happiness I felt with him has been ripped from me. The trust I had in my husband is gone. I've become bitter and jealous. Two things I have never been. Who's to say he won't become obsessed with someone else, or that he's truly over this ex of his?

How do I handle this? I want to trust my H again. Any advice?

Shenle

Your WH is having an EA at the least. The fact that both of them said that they haven't seen eachother in years means nothing. Cheaters lie. You should not believe them, but verify this for yourself. I doubt very much that he has ended contact with her. He has probably just gone further underground. I would put a keylogger on your computer and see what else pops up. Most likely it will be another email account you don't know about. What about phone calls, have there been any and can you verify this? Get the phone records if you can.

Can you give us a little history? How long M? Waht is your age? Any kids?

If your WH has been doing this since day 1 and before, this may be one of those cases where you run for the hills while you are still young. Let us know more facts.

Thank you SO much for your response.

Here's the kicker. We were married 8/31/08, D-day was 10/2/08. The EA was going on for our entire relationship of 3 years. The pics that he saved of her were discovered 2 days before Christmas. He made that DVD sometime after we were engaged(2/08)
I'm 44 and he's 41. We've both been married before. No children together and none living with us. I have a DD17 that lives with his father.

I have access to phone records and haven't seen any calls from any of her personal numbers. How do I get a keylogger? He hasn't been on our computer much since DDay. I keep a very watchful eye on him! If he's still in contact with her, it would be from work. I have no access to work computers.

It will be difficult to check on him if he has access to email at work. But I'd bet that he's still in contact. He seems to be addicted to this X for whatever reason and if he actually had stopped emailing her you would see some withdrawal symptoms from him. He probably acts the same, doesn't he?

The fact that this has gone on your entire M and your relationship up until you were M is a huge red flag.

Has he given you his passwords to all of his accounts? Has he thrown away all the pictures and DVDs? (You should see that first hand)

My first suggestion is that if he hasn't done all of these things already then he should now. Also one night when he's sitting right next to you ask him to open his email account up. If he hesitates for any reason then he's still hiding contacts. If he opens it up without hesitation then he has done one of two things:

1. He has ended all contact.
2. He has opened up another email account that you don't know about.

You stated that this is "one of his exes". How many does he have? That's a red flag in itself. Has he cheated in his other M's? How far away does this ex live? If it is close by then I'd bet money that it is a PA.

Because there are no children involved things are less complicated than if you had them. So in this case you have to look out for you alone and this man you have M has not been honest with you AT ALL, EVER. Do you really want to be with THIS man the rest of your life knowing what you know now? Please think about this. We can help you fight this EA (which is probably a PA that they are lying about), but you have to decide in your heart if this is the man for you.

So how far away does she live?

You bring up some good points. There was another ex that he didn't tell about me. The only reason he told her that we were getting married is because I was standing next to him when he was e-mailing her.
He gave me his e-mail password because I insisted on it. The photos are gone(as far as I know) because I said I wasn't stepping foot back into the house until all signs of her were gone.
I have to say that I put my foot down pretty harshly. Rightfully so.
I still don't trust that he doesn't have another e-mail.

Well, you know for sure that your husband is a liar. He lied to you and also to the object of his lust when he didn't tell her he was married.

My advice - don't trust him.

Snoop your behind off.

Keylog your home computer. You may be able to install a keylogger at his work computer...but you are going to have to be saavy and sneaky.

Get phone records...all of the. And text records.

Install a voice activated recorder in his car. Might even consider GPS-ing his car?

Snoop, snoop, snoop, snoop. He's obviously lied by omission. Look in to him closely...

Thank you again for all of your advice. Please keep the thoughts and ideas coming. I already told my H that I don't trust him and I will probably not forgive him for this. It's out there and can never be taken back. I also told him that I love him and I don't plan on going anywhere. Did I just give him a sigh of relief and another reason to go ahead and cheat again? Is it sad that I can even think that?

My H has acted remorseful and claims that there has been no contact since D-Day.

I have no access to his work computer. I do know that the work computer is down and with the IT guy. He also hasn't had internet connection at work for quite a while. Probably my only saving grace there.

I'll keep up the snooping and keep you all posted.

Does his ex live close by?

Shenele, I would suggest you made a mistake in choosing this man. He is clearly not committed to you and does not love you. My guess is that a future with him is going to be full of endless heartbreak. Just think, he is otherwise occupied when you just got married. Can you imagne what it will be like in 2-3 years when the novelty wears off? My gosh, I can't even fathom how bad this could get.

I feel so bad for you, but that is what I would do. Rather than prolonging the pain, I would get out now and get it over with.

His ex lives about 30 minutes away. He wasn't aware that she and her boyfriend bought a house together 3/08. I have certain resources to find this stuff.

I just checked more phone records. There's a possibilty that he's now in contact with his ex-wife(or someone with the same first name). How do I find out for sure who this new number is? I have a name and address. Should I just ask him or is he just going to keep lying? Or ask and watch his reaction?

Try googling it first. Sometimes you can get lucky that way. Put it in with the area code, no spaces. If that doesn't work can you get a friend to call the number pretending to be looking for someone?

Being that the ex is only 30 minutes away, I believe that there is a lot more going on than just an EA. Can you account for all of his time? Does he go out alone a lot?

Were either of you still M'd when you started your relationship with him?

I have the name and address of the number I found in his phone. I just don't know exactly who this person is. One of his other exes? It is his work cell phone(supplied by the company). One of his employees' girlfriends or wives? He has to call his employees a lot. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I have no trust yet. You know?

I also know for a fact that H has never been to the exes house. The ex lives 30 minutes from where we live and about an hour from where he works. He thought she still lived in another city. I found out about she and her boyfriend purchasing a home together. They moved in 3/08. SHE didn't tell H about that. I know she doesn't come here. I've been living here since 6/08 and I work from home. Absolutely NO opportunity there.

H NEVER goes out without me. He comes home right after work. Always calls me as soon as he leaves work. He has even stopped going out for wings with his best friend(Kevin) without me. He is truly making a conscience effort in that area.

I want my marriage to be OK. I love my husband with all my heart and want to believe this internet escapade(and obsession)is over(I pray that it wasn't a PA). He says that he doesn't even have to think about not contacting her. He says he has no desire. He says that he loves me and wants to be with only me.

I know what we're supposed to do to rebuild. I think we're on the right track. He has agreed to all of my needs. I have agreed to keep him up to date on my every feeling and thought. He knows exactly what is happening here too. We have no problems with intimacy. Never have.

My question. How do I ever trust him again? Especially knowing that he lied to me for our whole relationship? Am I just being naive? Or stupid?

I was in an abusive marriage when we met. I moved out 3 weeks later. We started seeing each other after I moved out. I didn't leave because of H. I left because my exh kicked me out for (about) the 12th time.

You cannot trust an untrustworthy person. That is what he is and that is what he has been throughout your entire R. You would be naive to think that you can at this point. He has to earn your trust and that could take years. But the short answer is that YES a person can begin to trust a person again even after such a betrayal IF they act in a trustworthy fashion on a VERY consistent basis,


Can you answer that question? It can explain a lot if that was the scenario.

What about your WH, was he M, separated or completely single?

He had been divorced for 13 years. Got married very young and his exw cheated on him and asked for a divorce within 9 months of their wedding.

MicheleG,
Thank you for asking more questions to help you help me. And THANK YOU for not dooming my M without asking more questions. I know that I can't and shouldn't trust H yet. But, I really want my M to be good and honest. I belive my H wants the same.