I haven't read any letters on this subject and don't know how to handle my situation. Seems a little miniscule compared to others I've read.
Thity-two days after my husband and I were married, I found out that he had been e-mailing one of his exes in a very inappropriate way. It's not the fact that he maintained a friendship with an ex. It was the content of the e-mails. "I couldn't stop thinking about you last night. Was affraid I would say your name in my sleep". In another e-mail, he asked her to send an updated picture so he could use it for his personal pleasure. The actual words in that one are too graphic to write.

I was a basket case when I saw the e-mails and made him stop the communications immediately. He swore that they were only e-mailing and that they hadn't seen each other in 3 years. I went to his parents' house that night, not knowing if I wanted to go back.
I did go back. He seemed to be truly sorry for hurting me the way he did. But it only got worse for me. The communication has stopped as far as I know. I found out that he kept EVERY e-mail that they wrote to each other. Years worth. I also found a DVD that he stored pics of her on and labeled it 'to have and to forget'.

I called his ex to get some more answers from her. She verified that they hadn't seen each other in years. She lives with another man. She also said she never understood my husbands obsession with her. She knew that we lived together, but he didn't tell her that we were married.

The part that bothers me the most is his obsession with this woman. How or why did he marry me knowing that he felt this way about someone else?

I've never been so hurt in all of my life. The happiness I felt with him has been ripped from me. The trust I had in my husband is gone. I've become bitter and jealous. Two things I have never been. Who's to say he won't become obsessed with someone else, or that he's truly over this ex of his?

How do I handle this? I want to trust my H again. Any advice?

Shenle

Your WH is having an EA at the least. The fact that both of them said that they haven't seen eachother in years means nothing. Cheaters lie. You should not believe them, but verify this for yourself. I doubt very much that he has ended contact with her. He has probably just gone further underground. I would put a keylogger on your computer and see what else pops up. Most likely it will be another email account you don't know about. What about phone calls, have there been any and can you verify this? Get the phone records if you can.

Can you give us a little history? How long M? Waht is your age? Any kids?

If your WH has been doing this since day 1 and before, this may be one of those cases where you run for the hills while you are still young. Let us know more facts.

Thank you SO much for your response.

Here's the kicker. We were married 8/31/08, D-day was 10/2/08. The EA was going on for our entire relationship of 3 years. The pics that he saved of her were discovered 2 days before Christmas. He made that DVD sometime after we were engaged(2/08)
I'm 44 and he's 41. We've both been married before. No children together and none living with us. I have a DD17 that lives with his father.

I have access to phone records and haven't seen any calls from any of her personal numbers. How do I get a keylogger? He hasn't been on our computer much since DDay. I keep a very watchful eye on him! If he's still in contact with her, it would be from work. I have no access to work computers.

It will be difficult to check on him if he has access to email at work. But I'd bet that he's still in contact. He seems to be addicted to this X for whatever reason and if he actually had stopped emailing her you would see some withdrawal symptoms from him. He probably acts the same, doesn't he?

The fact that this has gone on your entire M and your relationship up until you were M is a huge red flag.

Has he given you his passwords to all of his accounts? Has he thrown away all the pictures and DVDs? (You should see that first hand)

My first suggestion is that if he hasn't done all of these things already then he should now. Also one night when he's sitting right next to you ask him to open his email account up. If he hesitates for any reason then he's still hiding contacts. If he opens it up without hesitation then he has done one of two things:

1. He has ended all contact.
2. He has opened up another email account that you don't know about.

You stated that this is "one of his exes". How many does he have? That's a red flag in itself. Has he cheated in his other M's? How far away does this ex live? If it is close by then I'd bet money that it is a PA.

Because there are no children involved things are less complicated than if you had them. So in this case you have to look out for you alone and this man you have M has not been honest with you AT ALL, EVER. Do you really want to be with THIS man the rest of your life knowing what you know now? Please think about this. We can help you fight this EA (which is probably a PA that they are lying about), but you have to decide in your heart if this is the man for you.

So how far away does she live?

You bring up some good points. There was another ex that he didn't tell about me. The only reason he told her that we were getting married is because I was standing next to him when he was e-mailing her.
He gave me his e-mail password because I insisted on it. The photos are gone(as far as I know) because I said I wasn't stepping foot back into the house until all signs of her were gone.
I have to say that I put my foot down pretty harshly. Rightfully so.
I still don't trust that he doesn't have another e-mail.

Well, you know for sure that your husband is a liar. He lied to you and also to the object of his lust when he didn't tell her he was married.

My advice - don't trust him.

Snoop your behind off.

Keylog your home computer. You may be able to install a keylogger at his work computer...but you are going to have to be saavy and sneaky.

Get phone records...all of the. And text records.

Install a voice activated recorder in his car. Might even consider GPS-ing his car?

Snoop, snoop, snoop, snoop. He's obviously lied by omission. Look in to him closely...

Thank you again for all of your advice. Please keep the thoughts and ideas coming. I already told my H that I don't trust him and I will probably not forgive him for this. It's out there and can never be taken back. I also told him that I love him and I don't plan on going anywhere. Did I just give him a sigh of relief and another reason to go ahead and cheat again? Is it sad that I can even think that?

My H has acted remorseful and claims that there has been no contact since D-Day.

I have no access to his work computer. I do know that the work computer is down and with the IT guy. He also hasn't had internet connection at work for quite a while. Probably my only saving grace there.

I'll keep up the snooping and keep you all posted.

Does his ex live close by?

Shenele, I would suggest you made a mistake in choosing this man. He is clearly not committed to you and does not love you. My guess is that a future with him is going to be full of endless heartbreak. Just think, he is otherwise occupied when you just got married. Can you imagne what it will be like in 2-3 years when the novelty wears off? My gosh, I can't even fathom how bad this could get.

I feel so bad for you, but that is what I would do. Rather than prolonging the pain, I would get out now and get it over with.

His ex lives about 30 minutes away. He wasn't aware that she and her boyfriend bought a house together 3/08. I have certain resources to find this stuff.

I just checked more phone records. There's a possibilty that he's now in contact with his ex-wife(or someone with the same first name). How do I find out for sure who this new number is? I have a name and address. Should I just ask him or is he just going to keep lying? Or ask and watch his reaction?

Try googling it first. Sometimes you can get lucky that way. Put it in with the area code, no spaces. If that doesn't work can you get a friend to call the number pretending to be looking for someone?

Being that the ex is only 30 minutes away, I believe that there is a lot more going on than just an EA. Can you account for all of his time? Does he go out alone a lot?

Were either of you still M'd when you started your relationship with him?

I have the name and address of the number I found in his phone. I just don't know exactly who this person is. One of his other exes? It is his work cell phone(supplied by the company). One of his employees' girlfriends or wives? He has to call his employees a lot. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I have no trust yet. You know?

I also know for a fact that H has never been to the exes house. The ex lives 30 minutes from where we live and about an hour from where he works. He thought she still lived in another city. I found out about she and her boyfriend purchasing a home together. They moved in 3/08. SHE didn't tell H about that. I know she doesn't come here. I've been living here since 6/08 and I work from home. Absolutely NO opportunity there.

H NEVER goes out without me. He comes home right after work. Always calls me as soon as he leaves work. He has even stopped going out for wings with his best friend(Kevin) without me. He is truly making a conscience effort in that area.

I want my marriage to be OK. I love my husband with all my heart and want to believe this internet escapade(and obsession)is over(I pray that it wasn't a PA). He says that he doesn't even have to think about not contacting her. He says he has no desire. He says that he loves me and wants to be with only me.

I know what we're supposed to do to rebuild. I think we're on the right track. He has agreed to all of my needs. I have agreed to keep him up to date on my every feeling and thought. He knows exactly what is happening here too. We have no problems with intimacy. Never have.

My question. How do I ever trust him again? Especially knowing that he lied to me for our whole relationship? Am I just being naive? Or stupid?

I was in an abusive marriage when we met. I moved out 3 weeks later. We started seeing each other after I moved out. I didn't leave because of H. I left because my exh kicked me out for (about) the 12th time.

You cannot trust an untrustworthy person. That is what he is and that is what he has been throughout your entire R. You would be naive to think that you can at this point. He has to earn your trust and that could take years. But the short answer is that YES a person can begin to trust a person again even after such a betrayal IF they act in a trustworthy fashion on a VERY consistent basis,


Can you answer that question? It can explain a lot if that was the scenario.

What about your WH, was he M, separated or completely single?

He had been divorced for 13 years. Got married very young and his exw cheated on him and asked for a divorce within 9 months of their wedding.

MicheleG,
Thank you for asking more questions to help you help me. And THANK YOU for not dooming my M without asking more questions. I know that I can't and shouldn't trust H yet. But, I really want my M to be good and honest. I belive my H wants the same.

I'm trying to get this scenario. He was M 13 years ago and his W cheated on him so they D. When you wrote this, were you talking about ex girlfriends or other ex wives?


So does he have more than 1 ex wife? And if not then we are talking about his being obsessed with a cheating wife that left him 13 years ago?

I'm sorry! The ex he was obsessing over is an ex girlfriend. They dated for about 6 weeks the summer('05) before we met. She went back to her boyfriend that she is living with now.

H had only one M. That was 13 years ago.

Gotcha.

Ok what did the XGF say when you talked to her? What did she say about these emails? Does her BF know about these? Did you ask for her to stop emailing your WH?

When I spoke with XGF, she said that the last time they saw each other was about 3 years ago(from 11/08). She also said that when she read the e-mail that I made him write, she decided not to contact him anymore. That's when she found out that we were married. She said she just decided to stop the e-mails and leave it alone. She also said she didn't understand my WH obsession with her because they hadn't seen each other in so long or even talked on the phone.
I have checked his phone records back to 6/07(very time consuming). There haven't been any calls from/to her personal numbers at all.
From what I could see in the e-mails, she did not reciprocate the feelings in any way. She kept it very professional, talking about her day at work, etc. I would bet that her BF doesn't know about my WH's obsession and e-mails to her. If he knows it may be that she was mocking the WH for his obsession. Just a thought.

So you seem to be looking at a M man who is obsessed with a former GF and who emailed her frequently with very sexual writing, but she did not reciprocate at all but went along with it for whatever reason? And it has been going on for several years. Something's not quite right with all of that. If it is that one sided then why did SHE respond to the emails and send pics?

Well it's an A none the less and you have to think hard about what others have said about what your future may hold. You have a WH who has always cheated and lied. Is that his MO? Do you think you even know him? Really?

R is hard. It is very hard even with both S's working at it. And it does require work.

So only you can decide if you can ever trust this man or if you will always be checking up on him because his history dictates that he hasn't been honest with you and he hasn't protected you. Just so you know...not all M should be saved. Personally I would walk away. This man has never proven himself to be a good H much less a decent friend. But that is totally up to you. I know you said that you wanted to save your M, but you may not feel the same way in 6 months. So You shouldn't make ANY decisions until he commits to your M fully and goes to IC. He has to deal with this addiction of his and that should come first before he can work on your M. He's addicted to her and he needs to figure out why. Otherwise she will always be on his mind. Can you stay with a man who has another woman on his mind? Please do some soul searching and protect yourself here.

Shenle,

As an xBH, I can acutely empathize with the pain and sense of violation you feel from your new H's EA (at least) with this ex-girlfriend. I am indeed sorry for the pain and sense of betrayal you are going through.

But, something has caught my attention (and obviously that of other veteran posters on here too). Sorry, but it appears that you acting very FOGGY about your relationship's history with him. You seemed to avoid answering the questions about whether either/both of you were married when you started seeing each other and than admitted above that you were indeed married. In classic form, you then "explained" that by 1) implying that you were in a bad marriage, so that made it "ok" and 2) denying that your relationship with this man (your new H) had anything to do with your divorce from your 1st H.

Every BS here has been told those things (the marriage was bad/abusive/"over" & the relationship with the new OP "has nothing to do with us"). It all right out of the wayward playbook as classic rationalizations of an affair. You mentioned that you met new-H before you separated from your old-H and that you "started seeing each other after you moved out". Note, you didn't say that you started dating each other AFTER YOUR DIVORCE. No offense, but it also seems a little odd that, if your xH was so "abusive", that your son/daughter LIVES FULL-TIME WITH HIM...why is that?

I'm not justifying your new-H's EA one bit, but it is quite clear (correct me if I am wrong!) that you started an inappropriate romantic relationship with him while you were STILL MARRIED to your xH and WELL BEFORE you could have possibly been healed and emotionally healthy... (How soon after the divorce did you two marry?)

My point is: it appears you are in an affair-marriage to your current H and we all know here how utterly doomed to failure those tend to be. You H is cheating on you (emotionally at least) but you fail to recognize that he was cheating WITH you before. The pattern goes on...someone who has so little respect for someone else's marriage will likely have little respect for their own...as evidenced by his EA only 1 month in!

I would take others advice here and get out now. This marriage is doomed eventually even if you 2 somehow "resolve" this ex-gf issue. You need to take some time and truly develop some healthy boundaries, because when we fail to enforce our values and standards, we tend to fall for those we should/would have never been with in the place...

Tough love and good luck

Thanks again for the honest advice. Please don't judge me or my integrity. I should make things much more clear for you.

My DS17 lives with his father exh #1 since 8/08 so he can finish high school at the school of his choice. I've been D from him for almost 14 years.
ExH #2 was the abusive one. I wouldn't even leave the dog with him! We were married in '02. From the beginning until the bitter end, I was called everything from a slut to repulsive. He kicked me out about every 3 months. We went to MC where it came out that he was sexually abused by a step-mother. He didn't want to go to MC anymore. I told him the very next time he kicked me out, I was leaving. So I did.
I met WH at a concert(EXH#2 was with me) and happened to give him a business card(I sold cars at the time). That was VERY normal for me. I moved out of exh#2's house about 3 weeks later(after EXH#2 kicked me out). WH called me regarding business. All he knew at the time is that I was filing for D. WH and I started dating about a month later. We were married about 2 and a half years after that D was final. This was absolutely not an A.

Believe me when I say, letting go and healing from the abuse of EXH#2 was very easy for me. I went through hell with him. I was done with the abuse! It was beatiful to lay down in my own bed, with my black lab(Abbey) and not have to worry about being awakened in the middle of the night for a screaming match. My entire family and co-workers were well aware of what he was. They all told me to leave way before I did. I had so much support and love surrounding me. (Maybe it's my italian family. We're very close.)

I do understand that even if there is NC with the EXGF, there is no way my WH is over his obsession with her. I'm sure he thinks of her.

I want my marriage to work. I know that WH loves me and wants this too. I also realize that quite a few of you think I should leave. I can't leave without trying. Where do I start?

I would do three things.

First, I would retain a PI who will do periodic checks for you - maybe once a month for now, and then once a quarter, and then 6 months, until you're satisfied of ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT. PIs can do a lot of things you can't do, such as follow people, look up records, question people...it will give you peace of mind - assuming he is truly having no contact. If he IS contacting still, you will know and can kick him out.

Second, I would set up a system with WH that you both follow religiously. He needs to agree to randomly give you access to his work email - at your choice. If he refuses, run, don't walk. He needs to continue to tell you where he's going, with whom, when and where everything, and never go anywhere with other women (yes, he is at risk for having affairs with other women). He needs to agree to this for a full year; at that time, you will re-evaluate whether your marriage is resolved and you can drop this. If he refuses, separate. No marriage can survive without this transparency, especially one that's started out like yours.

Third, you need to do some reading here about the MB program. Not the part about affairs, the part about Emotional Needs and Love Busters and Love Banks. You need to learn it. And you need to incorporate it. Marriages take work. YOUR work, not just your husband's. You need to make this marriage the best thing your H has ever seen, one he can't wait to get back to when he's apart from you. Do you need help with this part?

Cat!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I can't afford a PI. Not sure that I need one? Snooping is an art I picked up on in M #2.

My WH has already agreed and given me access to all passwords. I have been checking phone records since D-day-10/02/08. NC so far. He NEVER goes out without me. Not even to the mall. Another agreement we have.

Yes. I will need help on the rest. I'll start reading. Tonight. I have to go to work soon. Will it help for WH to read this too? He's also willing to do anything.

Shenle

Shenle

Most all of the posters on this forum have gone through the devastating pain that infidelity brings. And after reading and learning here they grasp the full concept of what infidelity is. It would be difficult to try to sway their opinions. You feel judged by SDCWman because he has told you his informed opinion, but it is a very good unjudgemental explanation of what is intrinsically wrong in your present M.


After years of being on this forum and learning about infidelity I have found that when a person does not value the sanctity of M evidenced by dating a M individual, then it is HIGHLY unlikely that that same individual will come to value their own M. Hence, your WH. Now you can argue that your R was not an A, but in reality one is M until the D papers are signed. Again there isn't any judgement here just a fact. Your XH abused you and broke his vows to you, however by dating someone else while still M, you also broke your vows to him. In your mind and in your heart(and maybe even to your XH) you were "divorced", but factually you weren't. It is recommended by the Harleys (who BTW have been studying infidelity for decades) that no matter how a M ends, a period of time should be taken to become healthy and whole again prior to beginning another R. It's something that you might want to think about.

Now with that being said (whether you agree or disagree) the fact that a very high percentage of M that begin as an A fail, understandably. So as you look at your sitch and you see the dynamics of it, how could your WH have changed his perception and value of M? He hasn't, it is the bottom line in the problem you now face. For a H to do as your WH as done within a month of marrying you(and years of lying previous to M) speaks volumes of what he does and does not value. Does that make sense? So can he change? That is up to him. YOU can hold up your end of it and improve you and your beliefs so that you become a wife that any man would want, however if your WH doesn't change along with you, this cycle will not end.

It's hard to get beyond this point unless you and your WH both understand what it means to be M. Maybe someone else who can explain it better will chime in and add to that.

Shenle, I'm not going to go on preaching, and I don't think you should run away from this forum. You should read the books that are available on this site. You should read the concepts and principles that Dr Harley has outlined. That's a start. You are going to have to verify that your WH is not doing what he does. You should write down everything that you need to recover from his infidelity and tell him and then put your healthy personal boundaries into place. As mentioned before, you should improve you and eliminate the LBs and try to meet his ENs. You can do all of this and you may R, but your WH is going to have to change his core values and put healthy personal boundaries into place for your M to R. And the problem with that is that we can only control ourselves. He has to see the need to change and then implement those changes otherwise you will be faced with more of the same.

Michele,

Thank you for your diplomatic insight. I am aware that I probably(did) start dating WH too soon. I've read about the 1 year rule.
Nothing I do can change that now. I can only change what is in front of me.

We both want this marriage and want it to be a good one. We're both willing to set the boundaries and to start re-learning. I know that I need to be a good, no, great wife to him.

That's why I'm here. To learn and grow. My H wants the same. If he didn't... If he tried to justify what he did... I would be out the door in a heartbeat.

I know you can't change the past. It's just good to learn from it.

Cat's steps are a good start. Just remember that it's a rollercoaster that can takes years to get through. Trust doesn't just happen, it's earned. The tools for a better M are on this site. You'll be amazed the difference they can make.

Thank you again. I've started printing all the tools already! That way, H and I can read together.

Haven't read this part yet. As far as the love bank, is it a good idea to sit with H and make a list of debits and credits? Is this a good place to start with EN? just a thought.

I will visit often for help and updates!

Long haul ahead...
Shenle

I'm sorry but you CAN afford a PI. Quit making excuses. You can get a second job at 7-11 if you have to, but you CAN afford it if you wanted it badly enough. Apparently you're willing to just believe he's not lying? Um...cheaters lie.

So you have access to his work email?

No, do NOT give him access to MB. Find some other articles from elsewhere to give him to read.

You can NOT trust him. Not yet.

Oh! Good thing I got this first. I'll try to pull a favor off a cop friend I have for the PI. May or may not work. I do have friends that can watch him at his place of employment. That would mean exposure. Is that a good or bad idea at this point? Is this a good tool if I can't get a PI?

His computer at work is out of commission and currently with the IT tech. I can find out when he gets it back. He's rarely in an office because he's a manager/supervisor in the shop.

What other resources can I give him besides MB?

Exposure for the purpose of ending an A is not a bad thing. Basically you tell them that you are trying to save your M and you would like their support. If they can help you, great.


If he's is ok with you giving him information about A's then you could print some of the concepts out or you could purchase the book His Needs Her Needs and give it to him to read. Or you could read it together. You should also purchase Surviving An Affair and read it. It will help YOU understand A's better. Just don't give him the forum and don't let him know that you are posting on any forums. There have been instances where the WS has gotten on here before they were truly committed and it hurt the BS and their plan to save their M. And during the snooping phase is really the most critical. Remember he is not trustworthy.

H and I had a very long talk last night. Talked about needs and how he can make me feel safe and be a better H, how I can be a better wife. He said I'm already a good wife(I came up with ideas that he hadn't thought of). That made me feel better. He still says that all contact ended on D-Day. I called OW again. She said the same. When H isn't at work, he's with me. Also since D-day. I'll stick to the snooping, just in case...

I did lose it(ballistic!) at one point. H said he was sorry, he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, it was a mistake, and it will never happen again. The word 'mistake' is what did it! I reminded him that this 'mistake' was a conscience choice; it ripped my happiness from me; it made me feel worse(about myself) than I've ever felt; and! it almost cost our marriage. I promised myself that I would remain calm. I don't think H will refer to this EA as a mistake anymore!

I also had the chance to talk with my contact at H employment. (This contact came to the house last night to help move a dishwasher). I'll call him Rev. Rev happens to be a life-long friend of H. He also performed our ceremony. Rev cares about us and our M. Rev is a brother/friend/pastor all wrapped into one. We are going to sit and get into more details soon. He has also agreed to counsel me. Rev assured me, as my pastor, he has to keep confidentiality. I know Rev will keep a watchful eye at work!

I know it's hard but try to remain calm when he opens up to you. If you don't he will clam up and you will not get the truth. Your AOs are like punishment to him.

The scenario with Rev is not actually "safe". First off C with a male "friend" isn't always a wise choice. I know you said he is a pastor, but sharing personal info with a person of the opp sex AND is a friend... well it's not the "safest" arrangement for a M person. KWIM? Also the fact that he is a friend to both of you, I would think that your WH should know that Rev is accounting for his actions at work. You and Rev having any secrets from WH is inappropriate BECAUSE he is moe than just a pastor to you. Call it paranoia, but when people share personal info with members of the opp sex(even though they are pastors) bad things can happen. A closeness can arise and then YOU fall down a slippery slope. I would take that under advisement. Any chance of Rev just acting as an accountability sponsor at work for your WH and you C with someone else?

I know I shouldn't have gone ballistic on H. That was stupid of me. I just lost it with the word 'mistake' I'll be more mindful of my emotions. Or at least try. The last thing I need to do is blow up at the person I'm trying to fix things with. Not healthy.

I see what you are saying about Rev not being a wise choice. I can find someone else to C me. He is, however, willing to keep a watchful eye at work. Good idea? Or not?

Again, because he is male I think it would be fine as long as your WH agreed to that arrangement. Your WH would know that his actions will be accounted for by a friend of your M. Now if you actually wanted to "snoop" some more and keep secret that you are doing so, then a female friend is a safer arrangement for that.

Do you see what I'm getting at? ANYTIME a M person is in a opp sex friendship where secrets are held from their S(even in this case) you are asking for trouble. It is the main reason that the PMs on this forum do not function. It is just too dangerous. Many many A's begin by just confiding in a friend of the opp sex. So it's best not to put ourselves in that situation, especially a BS who is in pain from a betrayal. You have to play it safe. Emotions are unpredictable.

I'm a little confused. I think. WH has already given me permission to C with Rev. But, I definitely see your point about it being dangerous. Should WH and I C together(and only together) instead? I know WH would be OK with that. I certainly don't want WH to start feeling unsafe too.

They work in a mostly-male place. Finding a female to help snoop is impossible. So, don't seek Rev's help in this area?

The problem I see is that Rev is a FRIEND and a pastor. He is part of your personal lives. Because he already cares for you in that capacity and you him, involving him in more personal, intimate conversations concerning your M may not lend well if YOUR boundaries are not rock solid. And his for that matter (and pastors can and do have A's). I'm not trying to insult you or Rev, but I'd hate to see 6 months down the road when you've C alone with him and due to your emotional stress and your EN of conversation(which most women have) you begin your own A. Now you may think that is crazy and impossible, but it does happen and it is known that a BS is closer to an A of their own after they've discovered their spouse's. So please keep that in mind and protect your boundaries as well. I think both of you C with Rev may be a better solution. And if you want to go to IC, do it with someone who you are not friends with already or is a woman.

Hope that didn't confuse you more.

And again with the snooping, the same problem can arise there. Let me see if I can explain it this way. Sometimes during an A, a BW exposes the A to the OWH. They keep in contact, close contact while they spy on their respective S. Because of this closeness, their shared pain, and other things in common they end up with inappropriate feelings for EACHOTHER. Hence the slippery slope. Just be careful. You are VULNERABLE even if you don't realize it.

Oh my gosh, Michele! I appreciate all of this. I don't doubt for one second that I'm vulnerable at this time. Believe me. When d-day first happened, I was all for a revenge A. Thankfully, my conscience won't allow it!

I don't intend on exposing EA to OW BF at this time. I never even gave a thought to us becoming allies. That's a great point.

As far as Rev goes, I can't even dream of anything happening between us, but you're right, in my state of mind, I can't even trust myself. Sounds sad, but true. We'll C together with Rev. I know I said it before; he cares about us and our M. I'll be very mindful not to put myself in any position that will compromise my M.