I'm a little confused. I think. WH has already given me permission to C with Rev. But, I definitely see your point about it being dangerous. Should WH and I C together(and only together) instead? I know WH would be OK with that. I certainly don't want WH to start feeling unsafe too.

They work in a mostly-male place. Finding a female to help snoop is impossible. So, don't seek Rev's help in this area?

The problem I see is that Rev is a FRIEND and a pastor. He is part of your personal lives. Because he already cares for you in that capacity and you him, involving him in more personal, intimate conversations concerning your M may not lend well if YOUR boundaries are not rock solid. And his for that matter (and pastors can and do have A's). I'm not trying to insult you or Rev, but I'd hate to see 6 months down the road when you've C alone with him and due to your emotional stress and your EN of conversation(which most women have) you begin your own A. Now you may think that is crazy and impossible, but it does happen and it is known that a BS is closer to an A of their own after they've discovered their spouse's. So please keep that in mind and protect your boundaries as well. I think both of you C with Rev may be a better solution. And if you want to go to IC, do it with someone who you are not friends with already or is a woman.

Hope that didn't confuse you more.

And again with the snooping, the same problem can arise there. Let me see if I can explain it this way. Sometimes during an A, a BW exposes the A to the OWH. They keep in contact, close contact while they spy on their respective S. Because of this closeness, their shared pain, and other things in common they end up with inappropriate feelings for EACHOTHER. Hence the slippery slope. Just be careful. You are VULNERABLE even if you don't realize it.

Oh my gosh, Michele! I appreciate all of this. I don't doubt for one second that I'm vulnerable at this time. Believe me. When d-day first happened, I was all for a revenge A. Thankfully, my conscience won't allow it!

I don't intend on exposing EA to OW BF at this time. I never even gave a thought to us becoming allies. That's a great point.

As far as Rev goes, I can't even dream of anything happening between us, but you're right, in my state of mind, I can't even trust myself. Sounds sad, but true. We'll C together with Rev. I know I said it before; he cares about us and our M. I'll be very mindful not to put myself in any position that will compromise my M.