Don't make any deals with him without a lawyer. This is standard wayward garbage where they try to take advantage of your emotional state so they can work a sweet deal on their behalf.

Don't fall for it at all.

A lawyer will secure things for you financially.

DO NOT make deals with him without one.

Brown, your husband is so desparate for money to spend on the OW, that he gave you a clue about what he is planning. You can now use this to help yourself.

He is planning on going BK and taking you down with him. Unless you refi the home and give him money to pay off the cards.

(The problem is you have no assurance he would pay off the cards with that money from the refinance. And if you have them paid off IN ESCROW during the refinance, you have no assurance he will not run them up again and THEN declare bankruptcy pulling you down with him. You also have no assurance he is going to pay you the 2500 a month.

~~~So, what do you need to do now in response?

1. Find out from your attorney how you can legally get your name off the cards and separate your credit from his.

2. Have your attorney develop a strategy for you so you do not get pulled into his bankruptcy. Like having the home in your name only and getting a legal separation.

You can and should protect yourself since you will be glad you did.

I got a legal seperation from him 2 weeks ago and the lawyer says it goes back to the day he left.
AS for the refi I understand what every one is saying and I am trying to be carefull.
He is a credit junkie and I am not, but his debts are mine unless I prove otherwise.
He knows I will get half his check pkus bonuses retirement ect and he will sink himself
I have demanded to know exactly what he wants to pay off and that if it is a credit card I see the statements to prove it was for us.
At this poiint she still lives in Washington and he swearsa he has stopped all contact, but who knows he now lives an hour away from me and the boys.
He has also promised to sign the house over to me before I sign and refinance papers.
He says we don'[t need lawyers< he doesn't want a divorce he just needs time to figure out what he wants with his life who knows he may want to come home.
I told him sorry I would love you to come home but I have to protect myself and I have a lawyer.
I told him the lawyer says I get half his pay and he says he will give me more than that and I said no thank you I have to be able to take care of myself and part of that is to not have to call him everytime a bill needs to be paid.
Even with the refinance the amount he has to give me is much more than the mortgage.

He's scared. You finally have him REALLY on the defensive. Go BE! Go BE!

Get a lawyer and take him to the cleaners.

browneyes, glad you are back.

It sounds like your H is hiding something with his debts. Do not back down. My H's credit cards are way out of control and I think he is counting on the money he will get from a D will give him a fix for awhile.
H does not want an attorney involved because an atty will say "don't do it". Stay strong

GOD! Is this so very VERY typical! OF COURSE he doesn't want a lawyer. He wants to continue using you!

I am SO PROUD OF YOU!

But you are NOT listening to us. You are listening to your wayward, lying, cheating husband. Who tells you that you will have to pay off HIS DEBT.

You have a lawyer now. LET HIM DO HIS JOB! He will protect you!

Do NOT sign ANYTHING without your lawyer present.

BE, it doesn't matter WHAT he wants to pay off - that is no longer your problem!

WHO LEFT WHOM?!

BE--you're doing great. Keep it up.

Of course your H doesn't want a lawyer. He wants to screw you over and put you in the poorhouse. He is trying to pull the wool over your eyes and you need to outsmart him.

I've never heard of anyone signing the house over BEFORE a refi. So, does that mean that if he did that, the house would be in your name only and you alone would be responsible for the refi? I don't know--doesn't sound too kosher to me...

He doesn't want a divorce....because if this thing with OW doesn't pan out he still wants the option of coming back to you maybe? Or, he is trying to wriggle out of you getting any of his assets??? Something's up with that too.

I know what you mean about seeing the older couples together. I feel that same thing too sometimes. But, we don't know what the future brings. You deserve someone who will love you unconditionally--and there are men out there like that. You deserve better than the way this man is treating you. Not only love you for what he can get out of you which is what your H seems to be doing right now. Manipulating you and thinking that you aren't keen to it--you are being smarter than him and this is the way to keep it.

By NO MEANS do you not use an attorney. Tell him to leave the credit card statements in your mailbox or something because you do not want to SEE him--NO CONTACT, remember???

Keeping busy is a great deterrant too by the way...

Well yesterday was really hard, I heard that he calls my oldest son every day and asks how I am doing. That sucks I dont want him to know.
Last night my youngest came to see me in my room and looked up on the shelf where his dads things used to be and asked where his first game ball was.
I told him I didn't know and he got really mad and said "I hate him he has no right to take my ball, it is not for him anymore."
WEll I was a little suprised at his reaction it was the first sign of saddness or anger out of him,
Next thing I know he is on the phone yelling at his dad saying things like you are my father and you left me how am I supposed to feel. Then he started crying and couldn't stop.
I left him alone with his call and after he said Dad was crying too and I don't want to talk about it

{{{BE}}}

I hope you tell your son how proud you are of him for saying his truth. He probably feels really guilty, but he shouldn't!

no he doesn't feel guilty at all he is still very mad. Wh texted him today and asked for his email address so he could write and explain things to him and my son didn't even respond.
My oldest son called his dad today and told him he better fix this because he was that age when he left 10 years ago and he hated him for it.
Wh said he is very depressed and hurt and this is all my fault and he wants to see all 3 boys on Sunday.
I asked the boys to please stop telling me about contact as it hurts me, because we haven't had any contact at all.
I still can not believe he doesn't miss me or the us we were together.

Well he called tonight after a week of no contact to talk about the money problems.
He sent a paper with his proposal and said I could show my lawyer and see what he says. I will.
He says he knows I am making the boys mad at him and he also said there is no ow anymore she lives in Washington and now has another man.
He says this isn't about her it's about me and that I didn't love him enough.
He says maybe in 6 months we could talk about us, but not till then.
I guess I give up, I will go for the big d now, I will not feel like this for 6 months.

WOW you are one sorry sad excuse of a woman......what happened to NOT TALKING TO HIM. But you know what it's your life....everyone here has told you how to handle this for your own sanity's sake as well as the kids. But you refuse to set a boundry.

Ok you wanna let this man walk all over you...steal your pride...hurt your kids....you keep allowing him in with contact to do that....Get a spine sister or you will be left with NOTHING but your own misery because you let him steal your soul......He is the devil. He is not your sweet loving husband. Unless you want to live in hell you better get up and fight like yesterday.

BE--I know that last post probably stung a little but don't get too excited...SIHW is right though. Just a little slap in the face to try to wake you up... You need to make up your mind and stick to it. Tell WH to LEAVE YOU ALONE--PERIOD. And, tell your kids not to tell you anything about what he does, says, etc.
You need to think about you and stop thinking about H. He is using you and if noone else is going to respect you, you should at least have some respect for yourself.
Even if you DID get back with this selfish, disallusioned, lying, cheating person--how long would it be before you are going through all this again??? Get it done and over with and move on with your life. You are deserving of much better. Don't keep being your husbands doormat. Get a grip on yourself. And, you really need to change your phone # and door locks since he doesn't understand no contact. And, I'm not sure you do either at this point...
It's time to hold your head up and RESPECT YOURSELF. This man is jerking you around. And, you're allowing it...

Okay true but please understand we haven't figured out the financial part of all thisa yet.
He is still trying to refinance my house and he hasn't paid the mmorgage this month yet.
The call was strickly about money until he started in on me again and then I told him to get a lawyer.

BE, is your D in progress??? I think I might put in a call to my lawyer and ask them about the house payment not being made. You know that this will be your responsibility and a factor in the refi somehow? Also, is there a deadline for the refi to be done? Let your lawyer handle all this on your behalf. Wash your hands of this man and pick yourself up...

I have a legal seperation in process right now and will change that to divorce as soon as possible.
I have a call in to my lawyer and will show him the financial breakdown my x sent to me.
He believes he is being fair, but last time I spoke to my lawyer he said I will get more than that, so I guess I will wait.
I have gotten his keys back and now will wait to find out what else has to ahppen.
Right now I am done with him, very angry and don't think I can ever forgive him.
I can't believe it is going to end like this, but such is life.

Brown,

I have been off living life, my computers broke and I didn't have money to get online or was able to get online at work. So I'm lost where things have left on.

I'm not sure if you are here trying to get help or just find a way to survive. I have seen so many people offer their advice, their words of wisdom and guidance. You are so blessed with that.

I totally get that moving on is something you have to do, or that this horror that has happened has thrown you for a loop. In the beginning, I was told to just breathe, just be still don't do anything.

I get the sense that you seem to have to rush through this, have the completion? Why, what's the hurry? Do you want a divorce, if not, go slow, delay, don't let yourself react instead of act in YOUR best interest.

Hopefully I'll get time to read through your thread and catch up, and certainly if you want to give up you have that right, but you also have to trust the process because in the end it's all we have. To trust those who have gone before us.

BUT YOU HAVE A LAWYER! There is absolutely no reason for him to contact YOU other than to manipulate you and guilt you into giving him everything he wants. He blames you for her. He blames you for not loving him enough. He blames you for his kids being upset with him. And then he says...maybe I'll feel like forgiving you enough in 6 months to let you stay my wife.

See the manipulation?

Do NOT answer a single phone call. Ever. Even if he's dying, the paramedic can call for him.

Stop letting him walk on you. And file today.

Yeah I guess I am in ahurry now, because to continue to breath I have to be done with him and the pain he is causing all of us.
He believes that if I love him, really love him that in 6 months we could try again.
Why would I put myself through 6 months of hoping and praying so he could crush me again?

BE, put together a Plan B letter spelling out very carefully that you will not talk, text, e-mail him.
there are some great Plan B letters on this site and any of the

Vets will send you one. Do all talk of finances through your atty or a mediator which could be a friend, relative or someone on this board. In that way you will protect yourself and your heart. EVERY TIME you talk to him it sets you back. I understand that with my H.

BUT everytime you end up speaking to your H a few things will happen:

You are giving him a fix on seeing/talking to you. This fix will make him stay away since he knows you are accessible.

H is being disrespectful. H knows you want to be dark and he knows that he can break boundaries since you keep answering that phone and engage in conversation with him.

Everytime you speak to him and the conversation is not pleasant, it will only reinforce why H wanted to leave you. You are not giving H a chance to miss you at all.

does this make sense? And for yourself it will keep your own sanity.