Although I have another thread started last year in General Questions, I wanted to start this one here as I have never found any proof that my husband cheated/cheating on me and need help figuring out where to go from here.

Brief background - now married 8 years, with the first 7 being pretty bad. We married shortly after having a long distance relationship and spent many years fighting all the time. No children. A year ago before deploying to Afghanistan my husband informs me that he no longer loves me the same way and is moving out when he gets home from deployment. States he doesn't want to spend another 7 years as unhappy as we have been. I ask him to reconsider, which he says he will think about it. A few months later when we discuss it right before he leaves he still says he doesn't know what he want to do, but says he will commit to working on our marriage when I asked point blank.

Didn't know if I could believe him. I had been snooping about this time to see if there was someone else and thus his wanting to get out of the marriage. I found that he had online female friends that I knew nothing about and also a former co-worker that he kept in touch with. When confronted about the online friends of course just said they were friends and the cards I found from them did only seem that way. As far as the girl he use to work with, he at first lied about the phone number on the cell bill, but then just stated that she was a friend and knew I would flip out if I knew he was talking to her.

These things bothered me, but he was leaving for Afghanistan for 9 months and I attempted to let it go as I wouldn't have anyway to monitor his communications while over there and just see how things went between us. Basically did Plan A. Well, after a month or so over there he started saying "I love you" again and I miss you. We got along better and didn't fight at all. While home on leave last fall he was so loving and things seemed like they were when we dated. He has now been home for 2 months and things still seem great between us. In fact it is better than it has ever been in our marriage. We spent the first 8 months of our marriage seperated and by the time we lived together already had problems and resentment built up and never got to experience a "honeymoon phase". He is very loving and caring with me and all his actions towards me back this. We haven't talked about it really, as to why the decision to change and all as I thought it would be better to just let it go as I can see that he has re-committed to the marriage.

So, my problem is that everything feels right between us, but after reading so much on this board I wonder if I should still try and snoop and make sure he isn't having inapproiate female friends. But when I look at his stuff it doesn't really clear it up for me like I would like and I get upset over what I do see. I got upset the other day because he left one of his emails open and I found a new message from singlesnet.com for up grading membership. Nothing on it to really say he already had a membership and could have been spam?

Another example is I checked his myspace page (he doesn't know that I know he even has one) it would appear that he deleted his original (I looked at that a year ago and found that on it was all about him and like I didn't exist, no pictures of me or us) and started a new one. Only one picture of him so far on this account and this one at this point doesn't have many friends and only a few females, but one is a ex-girlfriend that we have had some fights about and I wouldn't think he would need to keep in touch with her. Also he has on it that he is single, which it was like that before too. Nothing about this actions would make me think he is trying to pass himself off as single, but seeing that their bothers me anyway. I do have trouble with OCD although right now with meds I am doing really good. But I don't want to become obessed with looking at this online stuff.

So could it be better for me to just let this go and not keep looking? It really upset me to see this stuff and it doesn't do anything but make me have more questions. I hope to be able to talk to him about some of this in the future, but want to wait to do it in consueling which we start in a few weeks and don't know how long till I feel comfortable that we can discuss it and actually make headway. In the past he just gets pissed at me and justifies hiding it from me because I would flip out about it, which was correct, but still not a good reason to keep it from me as it makes me think something inapproiate is going on (the hiding/lieing about it).

Thanks for reading this, as I have trouble keeping things short and any advice would be appreciated.

lit1022 .... Hello

There are many many indicating your H is being dishonest, and you very right to be concerned.

Your Thread should be on General Questions II, this is more than emotional needs.

Click the 'Notify' button right corner of this post and ask to have it moved.

There you will get the help you need.

Take care

Well, if he knew you would "Flip Out" then he knew he was doing something that would make you unhappy. This is a problem!

My H also had a "Just Friends" co-worker that turned out to be someone that he was having an A with.

As far as I'm concerned, most if not all here and a lot of specialist too, there's no such thing as "Just Friends" between members of the opposite sex when the spouse knows nothing about that "Friend"

I say.....SNOOP. Get a key logger for you computer so that you can really see what is going on, where he is going on the net, who he's talking to and what is being said. But DO NOT tell him about it. Keep it to yourself.

You'll get the informtion that you need to see what your H is up to or you'll see that he's telling the truth.

Also, act like you just discovered the whole myspace/facebook phenomenon and "friend" him and put him as your spouse on Facebook.

Trust, but verify.

I feel I should clarify some on what I wrote earlier. Much of the stuff that did upset me and make me wonder about his actions happened over a year ago now. At that point he wasn't acting like he wanted to work on the marriage and was very distant from me.

Over the last year this has changed and he is now very loving and committed to us and starting a family. It is just hard for me to let the stuff in the past go and thus continue to snoop some on him. The only recent thing is about his new myspace page. The good news on this new account is that he has very few contacts unlike the last one with a bunch of females I didn't know. I am not happy about his ex being a contact and that he has the status as single, but if I snoop futher and see that they corespond appropiately as friends what would I do about it? The fact that it is hiden from me bothers me, but if he doesn't see a problem with this and it isn't a threat to the marriage what course of action should I take?

Just answer one question:
Why would a married man - apart from being a spy or something - EVER list himself as single?

Why?

I don't know.

Back when he first talked about moving out I wondered about him cheating and thus a motivation for it. Found no evidence that he was, just the hiding of female friends from me. This account was set up like that then too and I worried about it, but figure if he was placing himself out there as single and moving on we would seperate when he got home.

The opposite happened and he fell back in love with me and re-committed to the marriage. This new account is open for anyone to view and if he has decide to have some secret side-life while still being married to me and starting a family would he have that info on there for all to see?

Sure, if he's looking for nibbles.

Bottom line, a healthy marriage does not allow for Independent Behaviors. Either he stops them or you snoop.

If the marriage is doing so well, why can you not just ask him about it?

When there has been abuse or infidelity, trust is broken. Still...hope often runs as an undercurrent, even in dysfunctional relationships - so much so for many people that they second guess their own gut instincts or choose to ignore their intuition.

Be smart about this. Be savvy. Be independent. Choose to keep your eyes open. Choose to stay on birth control.

lit1022,

1) EN's not being met with lots of LB's .... M vulnerable to an A

2) Words often used by WS's, MB's calls this 'fog' talk

3) Your H should have no female friends that you do not know about

4) Common answer again WS's, but if they were just friends, why were they secret?

5) same as #4

6) They should bother you. This is your gut talking to you.

7) This is great that you started Plan A, he must have been home now right ?

8) Yes you need to keep snooping because he DOES have inappropriate female friends

9) It will never be cleared up for you unless you know what exactly is going on, this is your M, you have the right to know everything. You can't fix what is not on the table.

10) Maybe it was spam .... probably, most likely NOT.

11) He shouldn't have a My Space that you don't know about. There are too many secrets here all ready, I suspect if you snoop more that you will find more.

12) Started a more recent My Space that you still don't know about ......

13) He has himself labelled as single, like catperson said 'WHY' This is an action, a conscience action to write the word 'single' .... he is married !

14) WS's hide everything about their deceit, lie and justify everything to protect themselves.

This is my take on your situation. It's long but I bet that won't bother you

This whole thing of having a better relationship is still new for us. We have talked through and worked out many issues in the last 6 months that use to be topics that only blew up into fights. Maybe his reaction to me asking about it would be different than what I expect from past experiences. I just don't want to take steps backwards in the progress we have made. I realize that probably doesn't really clear up what I am trying to say here. But, basically I have done a lot of work in the past year to be much less mean to him and fight about everything. I do have issue with needing to feel in control of everything and don't know how to approach him in any manner other than "attack mode". Even when I attempt to do it differently it always come across that way to him.

What about a marriage counselor to help you achieve this honesty?

I guess my only thought is...

Don't snoop unless you are prepared to deal with what you might find. If you have a plan if you find nothing... ensure you have a 'stopping' place that you can reach and feel secure nothing is going on. If you FIND something, make sure you have an idea about what you would do with that information. Do it BEFORE you are emotionally strung out in either way. Make plans while you are somewhat... heh... sane.

Kind of like drawing a gun on someone. Don't do it, unless you are prepared to use it.

We saw someone about 3-4 years ago. Never really helped us work anything out, but quit going after awhile when things were just going a bit better between us.

Already have an appointment scheduled the middle of the month and two more next month. We discussed it and agreed to try the same person again, although it didn't help before, as we are in a much different place now and going to try him again and if still no progress then try someone else.

From her original post, there are no 'nothings', they are all 'somethings'

I completely agree that lit needs a plan, I like the gun scenario BTW.

I suggest again that you have your thread moved to GQII.

As far as marriage counselling ... unless they are prepared to discuss your H's independent behaviours, you won't be any further ahead than what you were before.

I did request earlier today to have it moved, maybe I didn't do it correctly?

I do think we will be able to address this issue in consueling, but not sure when as I don't want to just jump him with it right away and him think that is the only reason for going (me wanting him to change his behaviors, am willing now for us both to work on our marriage unlike when we went years ago and was not open to much about changing myself).

I guess I do hesitate to snoop more as I don't know what I will do with what I find. If it is clear cut cheating (which I know no one else will agree with me on this, but really don't think this is the case) then the result is simple, I am done with the marriage.

What do I do with evidence of him corresponding with other females? He thinks that it is okay and me just stating otherwise won't get us anywhere. I have a problem with obessing about something and if I were to have access to such emails it could trigger this. In that state I won't be able to deal with him and the issue, if that makes sense to anyone who isn't OCD.

lit

I have no idea how long it takes to have a thread moved. You wrote a message and then submitted it right??

I actually understand what you mean in your last paragraph, I must be OCD too.

I have to go,and get off the computer now. But I will try to check in tomorrow and make sure it got moved. Why don't you try again. I really feel you will get a good plan over there with more eyes reading your situation.

Take care.

Popped back to say keep reading ! Your marriage doesn't have to end when someone cheats. That is something I would never have said last year. It really can be fixed.

Someone will chime in to give you help.

Take care.

What do you do with evidence? You respect yourself!

How hard is it to tell your H that him dealing with other females negates your marriage?

How hard is it to say 'you hurt my feelings and make me doubt you have any love for me when you continue to do the ONE thing I have told you hurts me'?

Why can you not say that?

The biggest compliment that your husband can give you is to tell everyone about you. Including his friends on myspace. Single? You've been married for 8 years? What an insult.

I'd check him out. Keep track of his myspace. Be prepared for the worst, and pray that you find nothing.