Allemotions:

keyloggers are GREAT! I've got SpectraSoft's Spectra Pro installed on two home computers. Got me access to wifes e-mail and facebook accounts. I've been watching for two weeks now and have seen NO contact with the OM.

My WW is slowly starting to open up and actually gave me her e-mail password this past week while on vacation. And she showed me her blackberry password a few weeks back. Progress...slow but steady.

As far as being detected, well, I'm pretty computer savy and have latest anti-virus and anti-spy wear installed on all my computers. Nothing has detected the keylogger yet. It's virtually invisible, that is unless you know the hot-key to open the program, and the password to access information.

Get a keylogger!

My next step is to get access to phone records. I want to see who is texting and calling her. That was the primary interaction between my WW and the OM before they hooked up and consumated the affair (PA).

I'm taking it slow and steady. My WW is remorseful, admitted affair (how could she not...I stumbled in to her e-mail and read LOTS of incriminating information), and feels horrible for puttin me through this again (this is affair #2).

We are growing closer and working on things. But trust is still not there.

Keylog, get phone records, and even think about installing a voice recorder in his vehicle. I need to research that

Hang in there. With the help of these great people on MB.com you will grow, become stronger and stand up for what you demand in a marriage! The support here is outstanding!

I have a keylogger for D18, and it is completely invisible. It even sends me an email. I don't use it often, but it has been invaluable for me 'knowing' what's going on in her life. You would benefit in the same way.

thanks DN and Cat, I guess I just needed reassurance that this would basically be invisible, cause the last thing i need right now is more confrontation.

SpectraSoft makes Spector Pro. It's completely invisible and recommended by several here.

I'm not an IT guy, but I'm pretty computer savy. Build my own computers and am anal about virus protection. And Spector Pro is on both my home computers logging 24/7. WW has no clue at all.

My next step is hacking her Blackberry! Think I have found the prefect software. Sure, I'd like her to agree to give me access to phone records, but if she doesn't think I'm looking

Hang in there...and snoop!

AE, it is a mistake to back off and depend on counseling while your H gets worse and worse every day. Counseling is useless under normal conditions - it is very useless with an unwilling person who is lying to the counselor. Rome is burning and he is wasting his time lying to counselors.

He might be willing to go to counseling get you off his back for a while, but it will not help the situation. This is not going to be solved by your H spilling his feelings to a counseler but by taking some action here to awake your H from his fantasy STATE.

He is in an fantasy and has remained that way because he has never had any consequences for his affair. He still goes to work every day and sees her, WHICH KEEPS HIM IN THE FOG. And if that affair somehow ends, then he will likely go onto the next because HE NEVER RECOVERED FROM THE LAST AFFAIR. This is typically what happens. He has NEVER emerged from the fog and will only get worse until something changes. You can be the lighthouse, but you have to do something effective for a change.

The reason you don't recognize your husband is because he has been wayward minded for so long, without interruption. He is the drunk who goes in the bar every day and has "business drinks." He will never sober up. And the longer this goes on, the more entrencheed his foggy wayward thinking. The longer it will take for him to recover.

AE, everything you have done thus far has been wrong. Your instincts have led you wrong every step of the way. You have helped him remain in this state by avoiding confrontation, which helps him avoid reality. You have helped him hide his affair by not exposing, you tolerate him working with the OW, and are now wasting your time paying money to a counselor to listen to your unwilling H lie. And look where you are. You are no better off today than you were 2 years ago.

Do you want to do something that will actually HELP you save your marriage? See, your best thinking has got you nowhere. Would you like to try something different? Will you let us help you?

Hi Melody,

My husband has admitted to the affair a few days ago. We are now having a dialogue about this. I see this as a big step forward. He is so remorseful and crushed by this as well. I have also read to him his consequences. Some of them pretty serious. He is to aggressively look for another job. He is not to go out with single guy friends. He is not to have any 1 on 1 time with other women. He is to transfer all our money into my name and account which he will have no access to. He is to provide me with the phone records for a year of the time that this went on so I can see that communication ceased when he is stating it did. He is agreeing and willing to do it all. He doesn't understand why he did this and says he is willing to delve into it.

So with that said, what do you think...step forward, no?

Hi, AE... So sorry you are here.

Is the OW married or have a BF?

Who have you exposed to?

Have you read up on Plan A? Read the Carrot and the Stick?

I see that you have set some boundaries on your H such as going out with friends, etc. However, as I understand it, you should be focused on working a very short Plan A to give your H a chance to do the right thing and completely sever all ties with OW (ie leaving his workplace), preparing yourself for the possibility of moving to Plan B.

It is great that your H is remorseful and has admitted to the affair; however, unfortunately, while he is working with OW, you are dealing with fogged out wayward, who is capable of being caring and remorseful one day, while acting like a complete alien the next.

Hang in there and keep posting...

Thanks for response and I will re read the Plan A and Plan B /carrot and a stick as you recommended. I have to admit I wasn't in a good mental state to really take it all in, also I'm trying to write and read in the little time I have alone.

Thanks again.

So I responded to anothers thread on here, but I will say it on here as well. My husband states that OW does work in the same building, but is no where around him. That he never sees her and avoids that area. I realize how ridiculous this sounds and don't believe it either. My husband realizes that is is not fair to me for him to be working with OW. He is more than willing to move jobs. We have started to look and he's applied to anything we've found. Reality is that the job market, economy stinks right now. He's the breadwinner, I'm a SAHM, so we'll keep looking but this just might take time. It's dawned on me tonight, that why the heck should it be just us looking to move? Why not ask OW to look for other work and get outta there? She doesn't have any family here, we do. She doesn't have kids to uproot, we do. I figure it worth trying. I realize you can't control others, but what are your thoughts? Has anyone heard of this happening where OW leaves?

Yep, the economy is crap, but as Melody said, until your hubby breaks contact with the OM you can be assured that he's going to waiver and be foggy.

And if you are not snooping, GET ON THAT!

If he's still in contact with the OW you aren't going to get complete honesty about their contact. Keylog his computer, look at his phone records, GPS his car...

allemotion, he still works with the OW. The rest of stuff will be helpful if you ever get to a place where you CAN recover. But until this contact ends, this train ain't going anywhere.

Is the OW married? And before you answer, have you INDEPENDENTLY verified her marital status?

And can I ask why he is going out AT ALL without you? YOU should be his PRIMARY leisure activity. Part of affair proofing is building life TOGETHER.

Thanks DN, I realize now that he needs to move jobs, he's completely okay with that. He has applied to 4 other opportunities, so we'll see.

I am snooping and my WH has agreed to give me past and current phone records. Still thinking of other ideas to snoop, got the Specter Pro software, maybe a recorder in the car...looking for the opportunity for that....we'll see.

Hi All to have followed my story,

So Melody I wanted to tell you and everyone else who told me it isn't really over til NC and that means moving jobs....I get it now.

At our last joint session, my husband told me that he had never really had closure to this affair with OW. She had to travel extensively for her job all last year, so she wasn't even around much to attempt to engage him. However once in awhile she would try to email him and ask him to lunch or something, he attests that he has always said 'no' and kept his distance. So with the counselor he agrees he needs to make it very clear to her that there is to be NC and that his wife knows etc etc. So the counselor suggested he call her and have me on the other line, so that there is complete transperancy that this 'closure' dialogue happens. We have discussed what needs to be said, so this will be happening soon. I realize this is just the first step and he really needs to get the heck outta there...so he's agreed to get aggressive on job search.

I get it now, man does he need to get the hell outta there....I will be pushing for job change in the next few months....or else!!!!

He told me that a few weeks ago she instant messaged him on a Friday, 'what are you doing tonight?'. To which he replied, 'I'm going out on a date night with my wife.'. Than a week ago, again she IM'ed him 'wanna have lunch?' To which he simply answered 'no'. So she is still engaging him at work...or trying to. He thinks and has told me, 'you have to understand, she has her own group of friends and boyfriend now and everything...she really isn't chasing me or anything....' Yea whatever! Man do I want her to disappear! Oh did I post on here yet that I've found out that she's a serial OW...yes she's had affairs with other married men. My husband has stated that he never led OW to believe he was unhappy in his marriage or anything like that, I do believe this at this point....I know when he is lying, and putting all the pieces together, I really do think OW doesn't care either way.

It's just insane to find yourself in this spot.

We will be having this 'closure' call soon. Maybe I'll even push for it to happen tonight. We'll see. I know it's just the beginning to NC and he needs to get away from there. But at least she will be made aware and communicated to that she meant nothing to him and that she is to never contact him again. At least it will be out in the open! To Be continued......

Hi All,

Exposed WH to his mom tonight. I had attempted this a couple months ago, but she just defended him. Now she listened and was so saddened. It was hard for me to expose him in this way, but I know now it is necessary. I was hoping that he would tell them on his own, but that never happened.

It's out, I will no longer hide from others the truth of what he has done and who he truly is.

He needs to recognize and truly start working to change.....I know this exposure will only help to keep him grounded and on the right path.

Just curious why the recommendation that the NC dialogue be in the form of the letter? The pschye. we are seeing has suggested a phone call dialogue be had and that I be on the phone call listening, so that there is transperancy in this conversation. I am up for this and am planning on it this week. Also, maybe a letter too.

I haven't tried to expose the OW to her family and friends. I believe it possible. I guess my reasoning is I don't want to engage her at all and give her any excuse to engage us as we try and rebuild this marriage...does that make sense? Believe me I want her family to know that she's a serial OW. That she breaks up families, but I also don't want her to have any reason to engage my husband or me....what do you all think? I am a bit confused, isn't exposure part of Plan B, not Plan A....just wanting to understand. Also, thinking of calling the counselor's on here and getting a phone consultation with them.

Just a bit lost today....I sent my WH a lengthy email last night and haven't heard anything back yet from him.

Hi All,

I've renamed my thread to more appropriately state where we are at. Yesterday my husband and I called the OW to get closure and communicate there is to be NO CONTACT. Here's what he said (this is in his words as he wrote it out and showed it to me before making the call). BTW, call was made as it gives even more transparency to me that this has occurred.

'I am calling with the purpose of acknowledging and taking responsibility for the affair I had with you over a year ago. My wife is listening on the other line. I am currently working on rebuilding my marriage and this call is one of the steps to do so. The affair with you was left open and this call is to clearly have closure.
I want to make clear that at no point I had told you I had intentions to leave my wife or told you that I had any feelings for you. My decision to get involved with you has brought extreme pain in my life. I am currently getting help to understand why I cheated. I take full responsibility for my actions, but you need to know, I encourage you to seek help in understanding why you tend to get involved with married men as this results in the destruction of families.
In order to have any chance of rebuilding my marriage, I need to make sure you understand, I can not have any further contact with you. Do not contact me. Also, know I will be seeking employment elsewhere in order to eliminate further contact with you.
Bye!'

I must say it was so hard to control myself to not scream at her! She didn't really have the opportunity to say much, but I could tell that her 'ahum's' were getting pretty short and she was getting aggrevated. I'm glad it's over and it's out there and now I guess we'll see what happens, if she approaches him at work or anything.

Also, over the weekend he had to have a discussion with my MIL about what he had done.

On another note...I have no idea how to forgive after something like this...I guess time will tell. I'm just so pissed that I have to now live with the worry of the 'latent' STD's. You see we also found out that the OW (does the W stand for Whore too?) has never gotten tested....go figure she's irresponsible with herself too.

oh hilarious...it censored my 'bad' word...you can all guess what I put there.....