Haven't updated in a while. So here is what's new.

Wife took her female buddy to doc to see about knee...torn ACL. Wife and buddy went out for two beers...I think I told this story on another thread. Anyway, wife basically tore my clothes off later that night for some good SF. I haven't seen passion like that from her in a year. Good.

Feb 8th WW met with counselor and talked about talking about the A. IC said WW needs to talk about the A and get it all out in open. That's only way to move past this.

Wife admitted to me she comes home from work half expecting to see her stuff on the lawn, locks changed. She's still scared.

WW told IC I'm doing tons around house, meeting her needs, trying my best to be great husband & dad. IC said good. And IC glad to see I acknowledge doing things that were LBs.

IC Also said my WW needs to be more direct in asking me to do things. Before she joked about doing things...hard for me to realize what was real, what was joke.

I've started getting up and making her breakfast in mornings, getting her coffee ready, packing lunch and getting her out the door. Feels good. She's saying ILY's without my saying them first, and saying things like "I need to be a better wife." Hello, heck yes...

We have had three date-nights, once per week last three weeks. Good to sit and talk and spend time away from kiddos.

We work out daily and following nutrition plan -- eating good foods, etc. It's been fun and good for our health.

She's still a bit reluctant to completely open up. I'm still being subtle and very patient. DDay was just Dec 26th, so just 8 weeks out. We spend 97% of our time together when she's not at work. And text probably 20+ times a day while she's at work.

WW has one more IC, then we are doing MC with her counselor.

DNU,

You are EN master, it seems. I will watch your thread with much interest.

Let us know how V-Day goes....

Melody: You deleted your post(?) Why?

Anyway, bump in the road tonight. Good VDay up until about an hour ago. Spent majority of day together meeting her ENs, being the good dad, etc.

We are watching a movie when all heck breaks loos up stairs with the kiddos. I head up and take care of the situation. One kiddo comes back to Mom and cries on her shoulder and WW gives me the "you were too hard on her" look. I'm holding strong. Follow through on my promise to send kiddo to bed and as I'm donig this my WW comes up stairs.

I say, "is something wrong?"
Her, "no"
Me, "are we going to finish the movie"
her, "no I'm ready for bed"

Well the long and shor of it was she didn't feel I was being fair to the kiddo. Backed me, but pretty much ended out night together and kicked in to "crabby-patty" mode.

I get kiddos to bed and walk to bedroom to talk with her. She gives me the not-going-to-look-at-you treatment. When I try to talk to her she's short, cuts me off, doesn't want to listen. I'm getting angry but remember no love busters.

I let her say her part, then try again to make my case. I'm cut off again, but finally get my point across. It's clear she's done with me for tonight and I say, "well, you just want me to leave you along..." She says yes.

I head down stairs and am fuming. I write a little in my journal and get even more angry. this is crap! Shes pushing my buttons, causing me to live in fear of her angriness, mainpulatin me with her anger.

I've had it! Three months of Plan A, doing everything I can to meet her ENs and this is crossing the line. I calmly walk into the bedroom and say I'm furious. I'm furious you would treat me like this. I'm tired of living in fear of your anger. I try to explain my reasons and you cut me off and don't listen. I'm shaking I'm so angry, but I hold it together and say my part...then leave back downstars to cool off.

I didn't raise my voice, didn't mention the affair, didn't say much more than that, but I said my piece...and it felt good. I'm still angry. And I've had it. I 've been patient and I've waited, and waited.

This just royaly pissed me off to no end. She's done this little digging her heels in, not looking at me, cutting me off mid sentence, passive aggressive crap all our marriage. Granted, 99% of the time she's wonderful, loving, caring, but this is a major love buster for me! And I'm sick of it!!!!!!

Tomorrow will be an interseting day (don't care about spelling right now...sorry)

She will either be completely sorry and apologize a million tmies, or she will kick it into passive aggressive mode version 2.0

I seriously need to calm down and find my zen (or whatever the heck they call it...). Maybe this is the angry outburst I should have had DDay. Don't know. All I can do is type right now. My fingers are flying and I'm still shaking I'm soooooo mad. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!

Well, that didn't take long. I've been up most of the night thinking about me, her, our M, this damned A, etc.

And you know what...I'm not afraid any more! She's got nothing on me any more. I was afraid the withdrawal (just for you Mike :)) was still in her, and if I made demands or love bust she would just check out or even move out. Well, if she does then I'm fine with that.

I've worked my tail off to meet her ENs (house support, kidds support, conversation, affection -- just for you Melody). I've gotten rid of love busters that I knew were bugging her. And although i've seen progress, it's been slow. And i've been feeling like I'm doing all the giving and my taker is getting very little...slim to nothing.

So Im sitting down here stewing, thinking the heck with her, I deserve better. I'm a great dad, good man and would make any woman a wonderful catch. That fear caused inaction in me. That fear paralyzed me. Not any more...

So around 4:00 AM I head back to bed...and just in time as she's coming to see where I am. She's teary eyed and hugs me, but I don't hug back. I'm still grumpy.

So we talk.

She says she's scared I'm going to leave. I say yep, thought crossed my mind. She says sorry for the grumpyness last night and we hash through that one more.

And then we get to the good stuff. I tell her I feel like I'm giving, giving, giving and I'm afraid that my giver will run out...and my love for her will run dry. I point out all the changes I've made, all of her ENs i'm trying to meet daily, that I want to forgive her, that I want our marriage to work.

More tears. More sorrys. Then she does something she hasn't up to this point...she asks what she can do to help ME. What can she do to make our marriage better. Ahhhhaaaaaa...turning point. She had never asked me about my ENs up until then. Yes, we filled out the ENQ, and I sneaked peak at her sheet...but I was waiting for her to say "hey, lets look at these..."

I tell her I'm frustrated she just wants to "put the A in the past and move on." I tell her about Joseph's letter. I talk to her about honesty and openness. And I'm doing a good job of not love-busting or being demanding. I'm saying the "i feel..." and the "it bothers me when..." instead of the "you did this..." etc.

For three plus months the ball has been in her court. I've been Plan A-ing and working my tail off to improve myself. But today...today the ball bounced back in to MY court!

Don't worry, I will be a good steward of the ball. I will continue to deposit ENs, avoid LBs, take care of my kiddos, myself and my WW.

Sorry Melody...realize now that you posted on the recovery thread...not here. My bad.

Oh good! I read that and wondered if I was losing my mind! Any chance y'all could get to a Marriage Builders weekend and go through the whole program? What is does is teach you to fall in love again, the greatest way to affair proof a marriage. Its worth every penny. It might be something you want to consider since this is her second affair.

WW very apologetic today. I've heard a lot of "I'm sorry"-s. And "how can i help?"

Good.

Maybe I need to channel Mike more

Simultaneous post...Jinx!

would love a MB weekend. Her schedule as a doc makes things tough. I'll plant that seed.

Here are the next ones:

March 20th & 21st
Embassy Suites Minneapolis - Airport
Minneapolis, Minnesota
More information...
REGISTRATION OPEN


May 15th & 16th
Embassy Suites Minneapolis - Airport
Minneapolis, Minnesota
More information...
REGISTRATION OPEN

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html

Thanks Mel. We've got plans for the March date, but May might be a good fit for our schedule.

She's finishing her book and she read the EN portion of the SAA book.

It was really a weight off my shoulders last night. Felt like I was holding back and trying too hard to be patient. I'm glad she made me angry...brought out some emotions and feelings and caused us to talk more. A few steps back in order to move forward.

The two of you need to come to agreement on discipline.

This child used her mother to defy your boundaries and limits - and mother played right into it!

Children don't want to see their parents fight, really. But they will push as far as they can to get their own way, and that includes playing one parent against the other. It's why children feel so guilty when their parents fight and shortly after split up.

The fact that you were contemplating leaving would have been devastating for this child. And your wife needs to know she got played to some very destructive ends. From now on, the two of you need to agree to back each other up and NEVER in front of a child, take the child's side. If you disagree with the way in which something is handled, you still support the parent in front of the child.

I agree completely. And so does wife. Probably best to clarify more. When child was crying in WWs arms, my WW mouthed the words to me 'being to hard on her.' Even though she didn't agree with my initial decision, she did back me in the end.

And kiddos do play mom vs. dad. WE've seen that before and generally do a pretty good job defeating that tactic.

Wife disagreed with me outside of kiddo earshot. Not sure if I made that clear in first post.

So this weekend is up and down. Fight and blow up was down. And it's been a long week since any SF (high on my EN), so I'm thinking it's go time.

Got her flowers last week and a good VDay present, cards. She, on the other hand, got me nothing. But I'm thinking, okay, some good SF and my major EN met...

Well, nothing. Didn't feel like it. Tired, whatever you want to say, blah, blah.

So this morning I bring up the issue in non-confrontive, non-love buster way and she says "I need to be a better wife."

Granted, she's on anti-depresants, and I know they are messing with her libido.

But thinking more I think about what ACTIONS she does to show that she loves me. What does she DO that shows me...besides saying, ILY.

[Uh, oh...I sense the "taker" waking up here...]

Our relationship is a lot about me giving and her accepting, or taking. I'll just call it what it is. She loves being taken care of. And I love taking care of her.

When I look at my ENQ originally I pushed SF down on the list because, well, something in my head said SF shouldn't be that high. Too many years working at university -- female bosses / co workers banging in my head how relationships should be more about emotional connection, not physical.

Bag that. I'm a man and SF *is* high on my ENs.

But this frustration just got me thinking about what my WW really does to show me she loves me? She talks a good game with ILYs, cuddling, snuggling, etc. But what does she do for me?

In all seriousness, she could give me SF three times a week, be open and honest with me and throw some admiration my way and I'd be good to go.

Give me some feedback here people...am I crazy?

DNU,

Sorry to hear about the episode with your kid and WW. I think V-Day is a pretty emotionally charged day/weekend for us BS's. I personally am glad it's come and gone. I would have rather received SF than the card and chocoalte I was presented with but that's just me.

My WW has just started true withdrawal so I'm not seeing snuggling, cuddling or any of that for the most part. At least your WW is providing that for you; you should appreciate that and see that as rebuilding steps. Maybe she still needs a little more time for you guys to get into the groove with SF? My WW is on anti-depressants also and tells me she does not even want to think about SF right now - food for thought.

I think we both have long road and we'll both have to be patient. I'm optimistic about my own situation reading yours as you guys are a few months ahead of us, relatively speaking. It seems to be a bumpy road to travel....

Hang in there!

THanks for the words Kman. It's frustrating to be sure. Yes, making progress, but geeesee...throw me a little. Anything.

It's a rollercoaster right now because I'm sure if I did get some SF I'd be on top of the world. She's coming downstairs now...more later. D

Someone needs to slap me in the head and say "patience, you dumb a___"

I'm just grumpy today. Maybe I'm reading too many Mike posts...naw, that's not it. Mike funny man.

It's just hard when I'm busting my balls to meet her ENs, show her I love her and want to recover our marriage, doing all the little things that I know she likes, avoiding LBs...

And what do I get in return? A Love buster valentines day gift from my wife, a few minor ENs met (affection, admiration), but the big ENs still lingering out there. Openness and honesty are still hard to come by. I've been preping her for the "i want all the details" conversation. Hasn't happened yet. No SF in a week. My boys are blue.

People talk about an A being an act of selfishness. I guess today I'm just looking back on our relationship with the "selfish" glasses on. Seems like a lot of me giving and a lot of her taking...

Okay, enough of this pitty-party. Someone, please, kick me in the head!

Keep your eyes on the prize!

Thanks again K!

I'm just feeling empty today. Like I've been pouring out all this effort in to the marriage, my wife, rebuilding our lives. And today I'm just feeling empty.

need a pick-me-up and it's hard to get that. The only people that know about the A are two of WW's good friends and the wonderful people on this board. No one else.

There was no need to expose since the A was over on DDay (12/26/2008). So my *venting* comes here.

I really need to be patient, I know that. WW knows I'm frustrated and running low on patience. Hard.

I think you're expecting waaaay too much from a WW. You should accept that SF is a long ways off and simply understand that it's going to be a while.

Same with getting affection from her.

She was in the middle of an affair recently. She wanted to leave you and end the marriage.

Expecting SF is a bit much.

Some waywards in recovery get crazy with SF and use it to cover the pain for the betrayed.

I had a horrible experience where the WW wanted SF simply because she wanted it and warned me to not get any hope from it.

Honestly, your cravings for SF are a little weird IMHO. Chill right now.

Expecting a WW to give a rats a$$ at all about your EN's is unrealistic.

I should probably give you a little more history...I think you are making a few assumptions about SF and our relationship.

We were pretty solid twice a week sex couple, even through the affair. Being the High SF / EN that i am, I pay pretty close attention to how many times we are intimate in a week. When WW returned from the hook-up (PA), we had SF two nights after she got home...then a dry spell, probably 13-14 days, which is long in our world.

Then as the A dwindled we picked up the sex more. After DDay it was probably a week before we were intimate. But since then it's been pretty regular twice a week. When on vacation in Mexico it was every day

And throughout all this the cuddling in bed has always been there. Affection like that is high on her ENs also. Kissing was pretty dormant for past 6-8 months, but even that has gotten much more frequent and passionate in past month.

I think what frustrates me most isn't the lack of SF...it's the lack of WW trying to meet my ENs. Yes, she's "talking the talk" about showing more open and honest, SF & admiration. But it's been slow going.

And really the only times we talk about emotional needs, the affair, our relationship is when *I* bring up the subjects. She still doesn't initiate as I would like.

Yes, you are right in that we are only 8 weeks post DDay. She is amost 3 months past NC with minor blip Jan 10th (text from OM).

And I'm know I'm having a hard time today. Thanks for the feedback.