Stella's right. Now's the time to focus on you. If I tried to do all the things I've wanted to do all my life, I wouldn't have enough time! Look into some area groups, like church groups, that do things together. Around here, people take bus tours to the casinos in Louisiana. Or vacation tours to places. Or cruises. Or trips to local gardens. All kinds of stuff you can show up for just like everyone else does.

Ok Browneyes, you still have certain expectation every time you see your H. What your expectations are is not the reality of a wayward spouse -- look at your quote above.

You are trying to appeal to your H. He is an alien right now. I know how difficult this is. I probably had the worst weekend since all of this started. BUT you need to take care of yourself. You have kids that need you. Our Hs are not taking care of them so we need and have to. Who will they have if we continue to fall apart. For our waywards it is all about them. They are selfish. We need to be selfless.

You need to write your goals and stick with them.

WEll he has been gone for over a month now and we are in no contact. My boys are falling apart, fighting hating everyone getting angry all the time.
They all refuse to talk to him and they are old enough to make their own choices about that.
My youngerst birthday is in a week and he and I were talking about it so he decided to text his dad and ask if he could get a new phone, his was stolen last week.
While they were talking he asked him if he could have the very expensive hand made necklace I got wh on his 21 birthday, that he never took off until this ove of his.
He said sure no problem,
This neclace is worth over a thousand dollars and it has a hand made lightning bolt because I have a tattoo of a bolt.
He must really have made his mind up to do something like that.

Hi BE, glad you are finally in NC.

Have you set up counseling for your sons. I just made an appt for my D15 because basically she hates her father and I don't want this anger affecting her life on a daily basis.

If your son wants to wear the chain, so be it. Let someone who will appreciate it - - wear it.

So what have you been doing for yourself these days? Have you made plans to go out, movies, gym, meet friends. Would like to hear how you are getting a life for yourself.

We all struggle here emotionally with ebbs and tides.

wow this plan b stuff is too hard for me, I miss the man I spent 25 years with, where did he go.
He swore he isn't having an affair, he admitted to a ea with highschool girlfriend, but says he cut contact 4 weeks ago.
This is all things he said before, not new, we aren't talking.
He says he is depressed and doesn't know what to do with his life, he says he has to find himself and figuire out what he wants. He says he hasn't loved me in over a year, how could I have noit noticed that?
How the heck can we fix this marriage if we don't talk?
I feel like I am giving up, I know I need to protect myself from his harsh words, but God help me I miss him so much.
Will he miss me and our life, or will he forget me and move on?

Brown,

Remember he is an alien, he isn't YOUR H. He is spewing his poison at you because he is hurt and hurt people hurt people.

Plan B is hard because while we are taking ourselves out of the emotional drama and danger we are also taking out ourselves from the "norm" that we became used to.

Please try to remember that part of Plan B is to STOP thinking about WH. Leave him to G-d. Let go and let G-d.

Of course you are going to miss your H, you were married to him for a very long time, but this person you keep wanting something from ISNT YOUR HUSBAND. Remember that. Don't listen to his words, he is psycho, a liar.

He is the same as any other wayward and as hard as we try to think OURS will be different, they aren't. Don't worry about what he IS doing. Take care of yourself.

Pray to G-d, talk to G-d, ask HIM for help in walking through this. Leave the WH to G-d and you move forward and just walk in FAITH. You can DO this... If you seek G-d.

Browneyes-

Your H is a wayward regardless of what he is saying about not being in an A. Don't listen to anything he is saying. He is following the standard script for a wayward. He is re-writing your history together. Funny that he "says" he hasn't loved you for a year but you didn't notice. You would think that is something that he would have mentioned. But no, he didn't, because it isn't TRUE. It is to justify what he is doing now.

Plan B IS for your protection. In Plan B you don't have contact with him for this reason.

The only thing you can work on is you. I would recommend a book called "When He Leaves." by Kari West and Noelle Quinn. It helped me a lot when my XH left me. It just gives you strategies for getting through all the emotions and hurt, and also things to do, consider and journal about.

Hang in there. This is a terrible journey, but it is survivable. I know, I've been there.

Okay so on the advise of my attorny i went ahead with the refinance of my house. He wrote and signed a paer ststing he is giving up all rights to the property after the refinance comes through.
So I looked up the bank account on line the other night and saw that $18000 was there so I text him to ask why money was there but the morgage hadn't bveen paid yet.
He is mad that I am in plan b so he didn't reply, I called the bank and had half of that money transfered into my account to pay my bills and he is furious.
He called texted called text went nuts, says I stole his money (my house) and that he is not going to give me a cent, pay anything and is going to sue me.
I know he had plans for that money, he was supposed to pay off his credit cards and my one card, but I am only responsible for half the debt, so I figured I would take half the money sice he wouldn't reply and make sure me and the kids were okay for awhile.
I mean really I don't even know him anymore, loved him lived with him for 25 years and he is acting like I am not only a stranger, but I irritate the heck out of him.
He called and insulted me, called me names told me all about the things he hates about me and than told me to put the money back or we are done.
I hung up called my lawyer, who said Half the money is mine and we go to court in a month mto get support for me and the boys.
I am still in shock over everything that has happened in the last 5 weeks, trying to be okay and strong, but he acts like he never even liked me so what is the use?
He locked me out of the online banking and removed the rest of the money and says he is done.
me too.

You had to do it. It's hard to see the mean side of a person. Never trust a wayward to follow through on their promises.

He wasn't coming back anyway, so you protected your family.

After he has been on his own for awhile, his old, 'worthless' life may start to look like the one he used to love. But you have to protect yourself regardless.

BE,

You knew intuitively there was a shoe that was going to drop - that's why you hesitated and that's why you consulted your attorney and questioned here. In other words, behaving as he is, it would be consistent that the deal had a "scr*w Browneyes" part of the contract you couldn't see.

LOL! Now he's pissed that you caught on to that unspoken part of the agreement and took away the advantage!

Poor poor WS! Browneyes is just smarter than he thought she was!

But since he's a fogged out wicked wayward, he's not caught on that you can still outsmart him - he's going to continue his bully tactics. A letter from your attorney might be well-placed if you feel you can't go into a dark enough plan b to escape his rants!

You're far too fragile at this point to take a bit of what he has to say.

Are you ready to write a plan b letter?

You mean lil Browneyes couldn't settle for a measly $1,000 or so? The poor WH! He will ONLY HAVE $9,000 to spend on his OW! How will he ever keep her happy???

/sarcasm

Way to go, Browneyes! You're so strong now!

browneyes,

I know you're in shock. You can't believe the things your WH has and is doing, has and is saying.

He's going to sue you? What an idiot. It's an empty threat. He's throwing a tantrum. You did right to remove the money for your family's expenses.

Look how far you've come girl. Keep on, okay? You're going to be fine!

Well he is so mad now he locked me out of the online banking account and said he won't give us a cent.
I told him the $9000 will last until the courts order him to pay, which will be in about a month accourding to my attorney.
I don't even know him anymore, he swears there is no one else adn he just needs 6 months to find himself, I said have fun, but I don't feel at this time I can sit and be sad and wait for him.
I am so lost and it is wierd that he changed overnight into someone I don't know after spending 25 years together.
When he first left I was sure he would miss me and our life, but he seems to be enjoying his freedom so I guess it is time to heal.
When he said if I loved him enough to wait 6 months we could try again I asked if we were supposed to be with other people during that time and he said yes, well he won't admitt it but I am sure he already has.
\ I was prepared to help him if he was just confussed or depressed, but I won't sit by for 6 months and wait oling my breath hoping he comes home.
Yesterday was our youngest boys 16th birthday and he texted him but no card no gift, how sad for my child that his dad is gone.
My whole family 11 of us took him to dinner and gave him gifts, but it was sad for him anyweay, he came home and did homework and went to bed early, I cryed all night for him.
I called the bank this morning and got access to the online account and he has paid the bills even though he said he wouldn't

I've said it before and I will say it again. At this point you need an intermediary to filter out his crap he says to hurt you and weaken your spirit. This will also tell him he is not in control here and won't get his fix.
Some waywards start to show some of there old self when they do not have the access to spouses they once had. You need someone who will not take crap from him and will make sure he understands this.
My offer is still on the table. When your ready to begin protecting yourself and your heart let me know.

You really NEED to take SIHW up on her offer.

For your HEALTH, before you end up doped up and in a straightjacket. What good will you be for your kids then?

DO it!!

Don't let that mother [censored] push you around ANYMORE!!!

Charlotte

And this?



Tell him to get a magnifying glass and a [censored] flashlight, maybe he'll have some luck. This is BS. Just don't talk to this jerk anymore.

Get your IM and work through IM and your attorney ONLY.

Charlotte

I agree! Please use a Plan B to protect your family. Your kids need you strong, and all his crap is weakening you.

Look you came here for help. We are throwing some huge and hard 2x4's at you to smack you out of this.

What are you afraid of....hurting his feelings....pushing him away....making him cry....

Because sweetie he seems to have no problem doing these things to you.

You can stop the cycle of abuse. Because it IS a form of mental abuse.

Good for you!

Now just take advantage of the HUGE offer that you've been given (for an IM) and start having some peace in your life. I for one think your WH will do an about-face when he realizes BE isn't the little woman that he thought she was.

Yep!

And you need to STOP allowing yourself to be abused!!

Think about a nest of angry hornets. Do you stick your hand in it again and again only to keep getting stung? HELL no!!

So STOP!!

Charlotte