Can I make a suggestion? Instead of looking for the lowest common denominator to make you feel better about your situation, why not accept your situation for what it really IS: BAD , and look for solutions?

Melody - I've been unfair to you and for that I apologize. You tell it like it is, and pull no punches. People tell me I am like that - now I see what they mean.

If I could ask - could you please elaborate on what you said above - about looking for the lowest common denominator, and looking for solutions. Regardless of the situation being good or bad (and I agree it is bad, no two ways around it), I still feel like half my soul has been torn away. I don't even know who I am that I would entertain even considering forgiving him. And yet, here I am. Thus, Plan B is my effort to save myself.

Miriam
Thank you for sharing your situation with me. It is very inspiring to hear you speak of the incremental improvements you are having over the past few months. And the good days and bad days - how true that is. I felt pretty good on Wednesday - I was ANGRY at him (which I think is what I legitimately should be feeling) and it was empowering - for about half a day. Then on the drive home, I was a pitiful mess again. I know what you mean about songs, and about triggers that set you off. I bought the house from him, and he bought a new one. I have no presence in his house, while everywhere I look - everywhere - he is there. Every stone we laid on our patio, every room we painted, every picture we hung, every tile we laid in the kitchen, every board of the hardwood we installed, every perennial we planted in the gardens. The tulips are starting to break through the ground and we both so carefully picked out the colours and mapped out how they would look this spring. We did it together, and now it still feels like ours - not mine. Like I've been living a lie. Yuck.

As hard as it is to have no contact (and we haven't now since early in the week) there is some peace in having only myself to deal with - no drama, no looking for answers, no wondering "is he with her tonight", doubting every single slimey lie he says. When your face is pressed up close to a mirror, you cannot see your face. I'm just waiting for some time, and distance, to step back and see my face again clearly. I can't believe I've managed to function at work through all this. There's a lot to be said for compartmentalizing things - I've told no one there that this is going on. Therefore, I am strong there and no one knows any different.

I am beginning to truly see that by not marrying, perhaps we both ignored the fact that we built this life on quicksand. We built a very large castle, complete with turrets and beautiful flowing gardens, but still - on quicksand. I guess I'll never know if it would have made this ending any different.

Chryss

What I mean by that is you are COMPARING your situation to others, ie: bad marriages, etc. My point is that it is what it is and you have to deal with what you HAVE, no matter how it compares to anything else. That is a diversion that distracts from solutions, IMO.

Hi Melody
Yes, I see what you are saying. I suppose it was a diversion that I intentionally or unintentionally used to divert the pain away - as I really felt I could not cope with anymore pain and still continue to go out into the world everyday and make a living.

Yes, it is what it is. It is not good. I am managing my emotions thoroughly from fear, not a good place to make decisions. Ok, so digging deeper into Chryss' psyche, why do I want that life back????????? I'm on the couch Dr. Melody

Chryss,

I have just read all your other posts, and it seems very clear to me that you avoided telling people here that you were not married until directly questioned yesterday. You once, in an early post, made a slip and referred to your "partner", and when questioned about whom you meant; was this someone in between your two husbands? You said, no you meant your current husband. You continually referred to your being married and even told of his sending flowers on your "anniversary" last year.

I don't think this was just your way of seeing your relationship; I think you were deliberately creating a false impression because you knew that posters would point out the fundamental difference between marriage and living together. I think that you have spent three years here (on and off) getting unhelpful advice because you did not describe the truth of your situation.

Your partner's treatment of your son (and you) when you first came here must be understood in the light of the knowledge that he never made a public commitment to you or your children. His "affair" must be seen in this context also.

Wow. Talking about seeing things through your own filter, and attributing negative motivations to other people. I am so glad you have "figured" me out for the lying manipulative person that I am. Depending on the level of your education, I would venture to guess that you've never heard of "Groupthink"????
Look it up.

I'll thank you all for the help you've provided to date, and I won't be back. I didn't sign up here to be slaughtered by a nameless, faceless, extremely judgemental person.

Keep your little club private folks.

We don't take well to people who lie. If you want to be honest we will be more than happy to help you.

You're welcome

PS - I don't post marriage advice to people who are not married.
I'm just weird that way.

Nameless and faceless we all are, Chryss, but I have no desire to slaughter you.

What you seem to see as my "judgemental" approach is nothing of the kind. I was trying to suggest that if you had said that you were not married when you first came here, the advice given to you would have been different. It would not have been "go away; this is a private club and we don't want unmarrieds"; rather, it might have explained your partner's treatment of you from his standpoint as an avowed renter or freeloader. You might have been advised to base your approach on an understanding of your partner's lack of commitment to you and the children. You might then not have spent three years in a deteriorating situation. You might have been able to change that situation.

Please think about continuing to post here, because there is much help available to you. However, it will only be useful if given on the basis of your real situation, not an imaginary or wished-for one.

Sugarcane

I guess I am like a bee drawn to honey - I just had to come see what was buzzing.....

Below as taken from Harley's columns:

"One study that you may find interesting was done by Bennett, Blan, and Bloom (American Sociological Review, 1988, Vol 53: 127-138) entitled, "Commitment and the Modern Union: Assessing the Link Between Premarital Cohabitation and Subsequent Marital Stability."

The point made by the authors is that, overall, the risk of divorce after living together is 80% higher than the risk of divorce after not living together, which is already too high. In other words, those who live together before marriage are almost twice as likely to divorce than those who did not live together. But they also point out that the risk of divorce is even higher if you don't live together more than three years prior to marriage. The longer you live together prior to marriage, the less the risk of divorce until after 8 years of living together, when the risk of divorce is equal to those who have not lived together."

I only bring this forth in the light that we have been in a common-law marriage for 12 years. We have faced several circumstances that challenged our commitment. Unfortunately, the final couple of years, the challenges were overwhelming, and I would venture many others would have found them so as well.

I appreciate your thoughts on how advice offered would have differed. I did not intentionally lie or mislead, and resent that someone commented I did. My integrity is something that I try very hard to maintain. In almost 12 years of building a life, purchasing homes, raising children, nursing through surgeries and parental illnesses, supporting careers and and being strong when the other is weak, I came here feeling the pain and loss of MY marriage.

To Melody's earlier posts, I was becoming aware that perhaps the mentality did exist still after all these years. And appreciate that she gave me that to consider, and I will gain further knowledge. But I do not feel at all comfortable that this forum is a "safe" place to come when I am vulnerable as I am right now. I won't be back.

its a shame that rudeness once again has run someone off! Rudeness on this site has tried to run me off, but because there are the ones that stick around to help us newbies and are straight forward WITHOUT being rude makes me stay to enjoy their knowledge and straight forwardness. There was a better way.
Melodylane, I enjoy your posts, you hit it right, you are amazing with your insight, expertise and your aim with your golden 2x4, thank you once again, and this memeber was realizing that to, seeing what the real dilemma was, but now won't enjoy your posts or any others that have the ways and means of explaining without the attacking and maliciousness that some feel so compelled to bring to this site.

Thanks for your kind words, doingfine.

your welcome M! your awesome, so glad your here!

"What you seem to see as my "judgemental" approach is nothing of the kind. I was trying to suggest that if you had said that you were not married when you first came here, the advice given to you would have been different."

I agree with this advice. Hope you will order the book "The One" (Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders), so from now on you can learn to be a BUYER.