SI,

You're getting great advice here already so I don't know how much I can add, but as I noticed yesterday & as MS pointed out this morning, there are some real similarities between your & my situation/marriage.

Have you been reading here? Not only reading up on the principles, but on other peoples' threads? If you're interested, take a look at my history. Its start & its most recent state are not very different. In 3 yrs I've been the source of much frustration because I, too, failed to TRULY follow the steps/advice/plan given to me. I only cheated myself and worse, MY KIDS.

Like you, my weakness is boundaries. I taught my H to nevermind what I say no matter how adamant I was being "this time". Meantime, he'd been teaching me all along there's no TELLING him what to do...and so we lived, in misery, 12 years. I'm now getting a divorce. I know how scary that is to someone in your shoes, as I was there. The thing is, the kids deserve to have at least ONE lucid parent and clearly that has to be me. And once the dust has settled, I figure, perhaps I'll meet a MAN someday. But that's neither here nor there at this point. For now, I need to do what's right for ME. The peace in my head, my heart, my home & my life in general since separating AGAIN from STBXH is almost overwhelming.

Keep posting. Read up. Decide what you want & then heed the advice. Don't make any alterations - they're the experts, not you (us)! You can get there but for now you've got to trust some people who want to help you. Don't doubt, don't cave. Stand tall. Get your life back. Or, get it started.

I just have to add this Sinking -- THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

This is not YOUR shame.
This is not YOUR embaressment.
This is not YOUR failure.

You have lived up to your vows and commitments. Your husband is weak. Your husband is the owner of the shame and failure.

And you can't control him. You need to stop letting HIM control YOU. He is extremely manipulative. You don't see it because you are too close. I read your whole story again yesterday.

He uses all of your fears against you to keep you in place.
You meet certain needs for him, and he want to keep you in place.
Meanwhile he lets OW have the more intimate parts of him.

The more entrenched this affair becomes, the more he thinks he "owes" her. He's stopped thinking about what he owes you and the children, because he's got you in place.

Thank you everyone. I know how much everything that you guys say makes sense. I will go and find your thread and do some reading also. Lexxy, I will make the call. I will follow whatever advice I get! I do need another week or so. As you know when something like this is going on in the marriage the finances follow. So even though we have been pretty stable for years, I really do need to wait a few days for my taxes to come. (Not like I will be shopping instead, just don't have it till then.) It will be worth every penny to just have a plan to follow and to get in action towards a resolution. I HAVE to, I will do that.

anyone heard "White Horse" by Taylor Swift

At this point I have a whole playlist:

Stay- Sugarland
Cheater, Cheater- Joey and Rory
Should have said no- Carrie Underwood
Wrong again- Martina Mcbride
I'm moving on- Rascall Flatts
Over You- Daughtry
I told you so- Randy Travis/Carrie Underwood
Angry all the time- Clint black
I'm still holding on- Martina
How far- Martina
Leave the pieces- The wreckers
If I were a boy- Beyonce
The only promise remains- Justin Timberlake and Reba

She's got a way- Billy Joel ( The way I would want my man to feel about me. The way I would want my sons to feel about their future wives.....

(most of these are on youtube)

Julie2u: My husband once started telling me about some things going on with other people. I told him I liked it in my nice little niave world where I could believe that there were truly good, faithful, moral people out there. At some point I just have to wonder if I am the odd man out!

Well here we go again.

You're given advice. You don't follow through. Then you disappear for days, only to come back and complain that you're still in the same lousy situation.

Did you call to set up a counseling appointment with one of the Harleys?

I did that too! I did it for years!

(Sorry)

You have to be READY. We can advise. Teach. PREACH. Help, hurt, get frustrated with and for people. But nothing happens till they're READY.

I had to work yesterday and had sports for the boys both Wed night and last night! 2 in basketball on wed and gym last night! Anyway. I am toatally still on track. I am still going to schedule my session with Dr. Harley. As I told you before, I do not have a choice but to wait till our tax refund. I WILL do it though. I will also follow what he says. I have to, my only other choice is to say that I am ok with the way things are. I am not going back there! You know the day I found that receipt for the Val. Day card...I felt right away, this is it, this is the proof I needed that he cannot lie to me again. I at last don't need to question what is in fact going on. That is why I went and got it just hours later. I knew it would be the smoking gun. When I asked him about it and he lied to me and told me it was a "friendship" kind of card the whole time all I was thinking is...It's a good thing this time I don't need to wonder if he is telling me the truth. It is truly freeing. Even last night, he pulled his same stuff. Wanting to lay down with me a minute and starts snuggeling with me. I just said...you know what I can't do that. You haven't told me anything is changing, and I can't be lied to anymore. And that was that. I know that is not a major step, because I have to show action and not words, but for me in the past I give in, cause remember, I never stopped loving him. I am still on board!

Atta Girl!

Do you remember your studies from before? Until you have a Harley-endorsed plan stick with Plan A.

Kick a$$ at meeting his needs. Do it better than anyone else ever could. Do all the things that made him fall in love with you in the first place.

Get rid of the lovebusting. No angry outbursts, questioning, disrespect, ultimatums, etc. Be on YOUR best behavior.

Just til you get your plan. A week tops, right? You can do it.
Remind him of how great your marriage can be. Remind him of how his family needs him.

Yes, should get it any day. I will be a good wife and keep a happy home. I won't lowere my boundries though. He hasn't given me a reason to.

SI,

I've given this advice before, and for you, here it is again.

Get a picture of this skanky ho.

Blow it up - Office Depot does this for about 10 bucks. Biggest one you can afford. Get a few, what the heck.

Put these pictures up around the house. BE SURE TO PUT ONE IN YOUR BEDROOM AND ONE IN THE GUEST ROOM SINCE HE SLEEPS THERE TOO.


And when he comes in and says anything about it, you say:


Well, she's in the marriage, I figured I might as well put her picture up. And as long as she's in the marriage, her picture STAYS UP. When YOU CALL HER and YOU TELL HER YOU ARE THROUGH I will TAKE THEM DOWN.


And you could paste the stinking Valentine right across her face.

Sure, you make the point. - But he will "get the picture" won't he?

sounds great....
not as quiet of a weekend as I thought. I am getting trapped now by the mistakes I have made. I am still not changing any of my boundries. I am still staying on task, but some things were said this weekend after I was kid-of trapped by my son into letting her son come to our home for a while. I left while he was there, but I did say way to much to my WH by phone and in texts while he was there. Of course he is still saying he will "take care" of it... meaning he won't be here. It's a hard thing, cause you can say all you want, but the alternative is that he may actually call the bluff. I know he is pulling out the only trick that still works, but what a call to make! I think he could actually do it!

I like "You're Not Sorry". It makes me feel stronger.

Hi sinking in "do you see the pattern". All passive words and you believe them as you write them. "Just do it" as nike says. It is not easy for ANY of us here, and we have to learn with the 2x4s but these vets know. Stop worrying about your H's actions and worry about yourself and your own family. :twobyfour:

Can anyone help me.... I know I read too much into everything and try to play out how each option will go. I know we cannot predict the future, but I cannot see how staying together would play out. I can invision a bunch of different scenarios in my head, but it never works. I think the only option if we were going to have a shot at marriage again is to move from here. Then (as I have read many times on this website) if it doesn't work I am now in an unfamiliar place with 4 children. I am thinking the only route that seems to play out at all is if he agrees to my conditions, to go to counceling and if we think we have a chance, either she goes or we do. ?????? I guess I am just wondering if it will ever be possible to get past the past. Possibly, but not seeing her with our children being friends.

you see I just have to stop myself, because just now, I started writing an im to him saying that I know things are fine now, and we are getting along ok, but I want him to know that I am not going back to the same old place. I know how he feels for her and if he doesn't want to work on getting that back with me instead we are still headed down the same path. Why do I do this to myself? I did not send it, but he knows if he gets things back to a calm place then it can go on longer. How can I continue a life with someone who doesn't have my best interest at heart?

SI,

You need to read here.....lots!! You need to build your own self-esteem! You need to realize that you can (and will) do just fine without WH if it comes to that. It is very clear from your posts that you are allowing him to walk all over you. You are a doormat!! Doormats don't get respect from the people around them....they continue to get walked on! You have got to find your inner strength. You need to decide you boundaries and if your WH isn't willing to comply then you need to move on. Obviously, the most clear cut boundary that you need to establish immediately is no OW allowed. I suspect that you have already told him that many times but he keeps on with OW and you keep allowing it so at this point he knows you aren't serious. He is cake-eating and will do so as long as you let him.

You need to dig deep inside yourself and try to understand why you would allow another person to disrespect you this way? You and your children deserve much better. Do some soul searching and let us know what you figure out.

Mindshare

SI,

By the way, have you read Julie's thread(s). I think you can learn alot there. She has reached out to you. Listen to her. She has come a long way and is doing so well now. You can do this as well.

Where are you Lexxxy? Need re-enforcements....

Mindshare

Sinkin, if you had a grown daughter and she came to you telling you what you've been telling us, what would you advise her to do?

(BTW, this is within the realm of possibility... your children are learning how to deal with relationships by watching you.)

SI,

It's good you came & posted here instead of hitting 'send' on whatever it is you were typing for your husband. SI, here's the thing: your husband is a WAYWARD HUSBAND. As you well know, this means there is NO reasoning with him - no more so than there is with the dirt on your kitchen floor. He is used to manipulating you, pushing you around, treating you horribly, and like clockwork, you will REiterate (just like you almost did today) what you "need" and he will somehow pacify you all while going behind your back.

Is it worth it?

You hit a slump today and boy, do I understand that. You may think and rationalize and create all the hypotheticals you like. You can come here & bounce them off the boards too. But you simply MUST NOT hit 'send'. To do so would be to throw yourself under the bus. AGAIN. SI: 0, WH 137.

How about THIS time you really throw him for a loop - stick to what you say! Allow your life to get better! Then, and only then, you will be ready to decide if you WANT that "man" in your life.

I may sound a bit jaded and that may be because I am slightly. But you know I've BEEN there, and took my kids along for each horrible, stupid, hurtful and confusing ride. And like PM said, my #1 biggest fear is now that my DD will grow up to find a man who treats her poorly & that my DS will BE one of those men. My goal in life is not to appease STBXH or play nice w/him or make sure everybody likes me. It is to single-handedly raise my children into moral, productive, confident and strong adults. Clearly STBXH never was cut out to aid in this process.

And, broken record: have you contacted SH? You know when you're getting your tax return right? So then, based on that date, get the appointment set up. OK??