Thank you Rightherewaiting. I guess I have been an enabler. I am SOOOO good at seeing other people do that kind of thing, but when it is me..well, I guess with all the emotion, I can't seem to see the forest for the trees.
You are right..he could very well be manipulating me and the reason I have not noticed it is because the man I married did not have a manipulating bone in his body. I have to remember that he is in a fog and not himself..I like the alien description.
My H has not used our line of credit..he knows that I would go after him for that..I am not THAT nice.
When you asked:
Not that you should scream at him, but have you even let him know you're angry about his deception and unfaithfulness?

Come to think of it, ARE you angry at all?
Not that you should scream at him, but have you even let him know you're angry about his deception and unfaithfulness?

Come to think of it, ARE you angry at all?

Yes..I Have yelled at him, told him how disgusted I was..I used the word 'vermin', called him immoral and an adulter, lowest of the low. He did not respond to that only to say that he deserves it. He told me that I did not deserve what has happened, that I was the best wife any man could want..but his love changed. Yup, it only took him a couple of months for his love to change, so yes, I am angry.
I have to keep my anger in check though since it really does not accomplish anything but to give me a knotted stomach.
I know that the A will not last or at least I think it won't, but who really knows? It certainly isn't as 'wonderful' as it was before for him.
I agree with you..I should just let it self destruct, but I guess I am concerned that if I don't just text him once in a while, he will forget me..silly I know..but he doesn't have the best memory on the best of days..
I am trying though to move on..going out with friends, staying active..I can't let this situation rule my entire life. I don't want to enable him..I don't want this A to work out and I DO know that this part of the A could go on for quite some time.
I believe you are right..I need to distance myself and whatever the outcome, it was meant to be. I do believe things happen for reasons..I just don't get this one..why all this pain?
I am curious, what do you feel is just compensation? I need some advice on that.

Sorry for being so self centered to just talk about me..I am wondering how missinshadow is doing?
I am watching and hoping for the best for her.

Broken and Right Here Waiting... Not a problem chating on this link b/c I read it all and whether it has to do with my situation or someone elses it does help. I'm happy someone responds so it doesn't get lost pages back...LOL...

So I read everyones responses and I'm taking it all in. I know not to expect anything but it is so difficult. I get so afraid he will get further wrapped up with her and forget about me. I know that's silly but I think that. My mind is working overtime.

So update... Affairland not going well yesterday. I went to see him yes. morning and ended up making him late for meeting her and didn't know it. HEHE! They were supposed to go to the beach with her friends and she saw my car at his moms house and decided to leave w/o him saying she didn't know how long I would be holding him up. They were supposed to leave at 10:45. I left him at 10:30. When she called him at 10:50 he said he was ready she was already on the road! He was POed and told her he would have waited for her. Long story short he felt he was low priority to her and he was hurt (sound familar?).

I said I was sorry (not really) for making him late( I didn't know but that worked out)he told me that had I not made him late by stopping to talk he would have never had his eyes opened to her acting that way. (Funny how things work when you don't even know your doing it) He said he is starting to lose things for her, but doesn't know what he wants ( yeah right. his feelings are hurt like mine & he doesn't even know it)

Later in the day I passed her and her friends in town. I saw someone waving at me so I waved back. My son realized it was her. My H knows she does this crap but can't catch her doing it. I told him I don't deserve this torment and will no longer tolerate it. I've been the classier person long enough. Next time I'm in the store when she's working I'll blow her a kiss!

So it seems the fog is lifting somewhat if ever so slightly but I am guarded as I know it could come back thicker than ever.

Anymore advice....? Also topics to talk w/ him about that are not relationship oriented...ideas??? Thanks to all!

Some conversation ideas:
recreational activities that you have enjoyed together in the past
current events (lots of men find this a safe interesting thing to talk about)
fond memories that you share (this works really well with my spouse)
favorite places that you have been together
places that you want to see
family stories that he may not know about
goals for the future (not relationship goals)

Think about if you were dating this man, what would you talk about? Ask him questions about him. Try to get to know him all over again without being to pushy or too personal. Just try to keep it light and fun. Hope this helps.

Send him cute little text messages. Here's one of my favs:

"Just heard the news. Aliens have landed and are abducting all the sexy people. I'm gonna miss ya!"

He won't know if you think HE's being abducted or YOU are, but it'll make him smile.

Missinshadow! Good. Disrupting the affair while not making a jerk of yourself is one of your more powerful tools! Just always stand up for yourself. When I do that, my WW has no comeback. No neediness! Keep anger in check. Just be firm and truthful. Pretend you're a Bhuddist monk in high heels!

I don't remember who asked, but not answering texts and emails became a sure sign that my wife was slipping back into the fog. She came back to me and left again several times, so understand that your monstrous rollercoaster ride is only beginning. The unreturned communication is a SURE sign they are back in affair land.

Project confidence! I cannot state that enough! Confidence with a little hope, the occasional reminiscence or tidbit of news. Something like:

"I'm going to meet our old friends tonight. Boy they're fun to hang out with. You'll be missed!"

Make enough activity for yourself that you can always drop a clue that you're moving on with your life:

"Hey, I'm headed out the door to see **** but just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you."

If they happen to ask how you're doing (my wife NEVER did until she returned to the marriage), you say:

"Feeling good. Looking forward to Spring. Can't wait to go on this trip I'm planning."

I talked to an old friend yesterday who had an affair during her relationship with her long time boyfriend. She said that as long as her boyfriend didn't stop her, she would just keep going because she knew she could get away with it. It's all about getting away with murder. It's all about THEM!!! Remember. They won't forget about you, it just makes them feel guilty to think about you, so they try not to.

Thanks these will help alot. Keep'em coming everyone.

Princess Meggy... Thanks for that idea. It was really cute and I will definitely use it. It did make me giggle and I needed that right now. Thanks!!!!

Zenwolf...Thanks for the advice and comments. They are very helpful and all will be taken and used. There's a reason I don't ride real rollercoasters (vertigo) but I have to say that right now I would rather ride that real rollercoaster than the one I'm on right now.

Update: I had to take his cell phone to the store today to meet an area rep for replacement. I broke his phone the beginning of February and purchased a new one to replace it. ( I know I was an idiot. Let too many emotions out! STUPID!) Anyways phone didn't work and store didn't want to replace with the 30 day guarantee. I paid $400 for that phone and I was not going to lose that as I am getting the phone back when his insurance replacement for the one I broke comes in.

So he was nice last night and earlier today to me and now I don't know. Partially I know b/c him and OW were arguing but prob b/c he was using me to take the phone to see the lady as he had to work. He came last night and we talked about an hour about many different things. It was nice. Then OW called him when he left crying that her EX was in an uproar about her R with my H. ( I don't think he knows my H is married) Anyways he ended up over there to console her. Boo Fringin Hoo!!

I asked him to call me on his lunch break today. Didn't get to tell him why. (It was bout our house and our son) So he never called and found out he was at lunch with OW. Back down the tracks I go. But I'm strong with all of your help and I can make it through this. He is coming tonight to spend some time with son playing. I will compose myself by then!!

Hmmmmmm,

Ya know, I didn't pick up on this at first, but he's talking to the OW right in front of you? It's totally out in the open? See, my wife kept lying until it was blatantly obvious she was with the OM. When that happened, thanks to some good advice from the dear folks here at MB, I told her that she could not conduct the affair while under the same roof as me. This is the house WE built together! This began the cycle of returning to me, then going to him.

I would suggest that you are doing some great Plan A work, but you need to look at the Carrot and Stick a lot more closely. If the other person's spouse doesn't know you're married, MAKE THEM AWARE! The goal is to make the affair uncomfortable. Him calling her right in front of you and you just taking it is totally unacceptable! That's being a doormat. If he takes calls from her, tell him he needs to leave. You need to maintain self-respect, and you need your husband to respect you too. If you let him pull this cr*p in front of you, he won't respect. His affair has no place in your life. Make him conduct his affair business elsewhere!

ZenWolf... My apologies I must have worded things incorrectly. She called while he was here. (phone on vibrant) But he didn't talk to her til he left to go home to his moms. (that's where he's living) He hasn't lived here with me since August. So he doesn't talk to her or text her in front of me or here at the house. I did catch him 2 times ( he went outside and around the corner of the house, IDIOT!)and after the second time is when his phone got broke all of the sudden. TeeHee!

Oh I forgot! I'm trying to figure out how to contact her EX but haven't been able to find out his full name and where he is. They were never married so it makes it difficult. They were together for something like 10 years and her 3 yr old daughter is his. He is evidently a piece of work himself. So I'm still working on this part.

Oh good! Sounds like you are getting back up on your feet. Funny, when I post here I feel like I'm helping with SOMETHING. It feels good.

My own situation is so up and down, hopeful one minute, helpless the next, it's nice to try to help people a little further back in the process.

Make no mistake, if you do manage to get your husband to come back, the agony does not stop there! I mean it's offset by glimmers of hope and some real moments of joy, so that's better than the hard grind that occurs during the affair.

Recovery is very hard too, so finding that inner strength, gaining that self-confidence is VERY important for the road ahead, whether it's divorce or recovery, because neither one is a cake-walk. In some ways it seems like divorce would be easier. When I have genuinely reached that point in my heart I experience a sense of calm at first, followed by anxiety of what that decision means. There's no end in sight dangit!

Hang in there. You are sounding so much more strong than just a few days ago. You're on the right track!

Hey missinshadow..don't you just HATE the rollercoaster? I do..I am all over the place..does he care, does he remember? The poor WS's are so torn..guilty and torn, and have no idea how to think straight. If only they could see through our eyes, it would be very clear on what the right course of action would be.
All we can do is try to stay busy, work on our own lives in the event of them never coming back, but IF they do..then we are a better person who has stayed strong (even if we ARE crumbling on the inside).
We want our WS to see us as strong, vibrant women who are fun to be around, with so much to offer them, the person that they once fell madly in love with.
I too like the ideas on the messages and I am going to use that. It works particularly well with my H since he is one of those people that constantly checks their emails. Just small little tidbits, like I used to send him..the way it was when he fell in love with me..
I am going to keep doing this until it stops making sense to do so, but since my marriage is important to me, then I guess I won't stop (until he blocks me on his email LOL) I am only sending one or 2 a day so far. He has not responded - yet, but I know he is floundering.
I don't know about your H, but mine is ashamed..the neighbours haven't seen him outside since Dec..he used to talk to everyone on the street, now he is a recluse. The OW barely comes over there anymore and they can't afford to live together since she had little to no money. I am thankful that my H is a cheap man and does not like to finacially support others (I am stable that way so he did not feel like he had to 'support' me).
I hope and pray for you that your H sees the sun through the fog..and I pray the same for my WH.

OMG missinshadow. I am in the exact same boat as you. Only my husband walked out on me 1 1/2 months ago and even though I have proof he is with OW he still won't admit it. I still see him and talk when he comes by to drop money off.

I have been so caught up in this nightmare for the last 1 1/2 months that the rest of my life has been put on hold. Today I sat with 2 friends who told me to STOP. I need to put myself first and do the things that will make me a better more independent person. Once my WH sees these changes he might just become interested again.

It's very hard because like you I love him and want him to come home. But the reality today is that he is not here and I can't sit here pining for him to come back because as much as it hurts to admit it - he may never.

But I can take the control of my life back. I did show him a few signs of this yesterday (mentioned I'm planning a trip in May - didn't tell him where or with whom; he saw I was fixing the house up; even said I'd file if he didn't want to; and that I was thinking of putting the house up for sale). He was stunned! I nearly had to pick his jaw up off the floor. He told me he doesn't want me to file yet - he doesn't think we're ready. So ya know what - I'll wait for that to happen. Truth is I'm pretty weak still but I REFUSE to show him that.

So let your WH wonder why you're making all these improvements. Let him wonder what's really going on. Remember less is more. Let him wonder what's up - and just maybe he'll start thinking more about you than the OW. Incidentially my WH has told me he isn't happy - but he's still not back. It could take along time and guess what I realized today - I can't put my life or happiness on hold because of him. This is my life and I'm not going to let it get messed up by someone who can figure out what the hell he wants. So from me to you - hold your head high and show him what he's missing! You go girl!

Don't he and the OW live together, miss? How can you find this out?

Melody Lane--- No the OW and her Ex do not live together. She started "chatting with my husband" while she still lived with her boyfriend of 10 years and My H still lived with me. Then a week or so before my H left me She kicked her boyfriend out. She has never been married. 2 kids also. Shipped her 12 yr old boy off to another state to live with his father ( who he hardly knew) also a week or two before my H left me. Sounds like it was all planned out to me. My H is living with his mom and stepdad. They live about 1/2 mile or less from me and OW lives 3 blocks up from them. How cozy!

So thanks to everyone for the help. I'm plugging along trying to keep to Plan A. So difficult. I have faultered some but then I catch myself and get back on it. I think this would have been easier if I would have found all of this at the beginning not 6-7 months into it. I had already put alot out there to him and made myself the depressed bag lady before I found you guys. So trying to recover from that. Slowly but surely. I got all my books and have started reading but I have been so tired from not much sleep I keep falling asleep.

I am one of those people who is go go go and then once I sit or lay down I'm done. Too much going on and too many things to do in the day and not enough hours. I'm sure you all know what I mean.

Oh I know exactly what you mean. Strangely, my wife discovered this site for me looking for marriage counseling, while she was in the affair! She then said that it was good pre-marital counseling, but too late for us.

After D-day, I put in about a month and half of Plan A, before I had exhausted myself and had very little left to give. Now we're limping along with all kinds of setbacks. It's a marathon, any way you cut it.

If you find yourself at the breaking point, don’t be afraid of Plan B or Plan D. They might just be the jolt he needs.