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I dont know how to take this, but H was supposed to come over yesterday to help pick up. He got tied up in other things and never came by.

So today he had said he was going to come pick up. Well H got here about 5pm and stayed for an hour and a half. I had some food ready for him, said he couldnt eat it all but he did smile

We talked a bit--just chatting--and it was nice b/c there was no odd feelings. The only thing that kinda bothered me was that he kept looking at the clock for the last half hour.

When he left he hugged me and kissed me. It felt like the old H again. The only thing that is odd is that he refers to selling the house and all b/c of the divorce he says he wants.

I still dont think he is 100% ready for it, but im still upset about the possibility. He had made a reference to a house that someone is selling and said that if we were in the market for one it would be a great buy. I dont know if im hoping for a slip-up that he doesnt want to leave or if I really heard it. Other things he says contradicts and indicates he does want to leave.

I am being good and not mentioning anything about us. Im also glad he isnt so uptight around me anymore.

He did say he was impressed with the work I had been doing around the house too smile


Me: FWW 35
H: BS 33
Married 2002
DD: 3 yr old
D-day: 4/10/08
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He was looking at the clock because that is what they do. They need to get back to their affair partner. My ex ALWAYS did that, or he would show up at my home when I had to leave to work in 5 minutes.

So did he HELP you at all?

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He didnt do anything while he was here. I almost am thankful he didnt b/c then he doesnt have a room to stay in other than with me and he isnt ready for that. Its like he is taking a long time to move out and pick up.



Me: FWW 35
H: BS 33
Married 2002
DD: 3 yr old
D-day: 4/10/08
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H finally came and took the bed apart in the soon-to-be babys room. I had a slight breakdown after he left b/c its one more step from him staying here.

On a good note, he has called me a few times this weekend to check up on me. Just calling to see how I was doing. Today he called me at work to make sure I was taking breaks and sitting in the back room resting whenever I could. Unfortunately I had to work a full day today instead of the half day im supposed to be working.

I know I shouldnt expect anything from him, but I get upset easily. I have been working to get the house de-cluttered and its going well, not much help from H, but im managing.

I know its a normal feeling but today I had an overwhelming desire to just give up. I felt like H was just going through the motions to seem helpful b/c its what he is expected to do. I want to have a fulfilling M with him and im not giving up. I havent cried in a long time and today I couldnt help myself. I feel better now though, I think I needed to release some emotions. Tomorrow is a new day and things will get better.


Me: FWW 35
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Yes, things will get better. Put hubby on the back burner, and take care of YOU and baby. Soon he will be here, and you will be very tired. So rest up now.

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Originally Posted by psc_77
On a good note, he has called me a few times this weekend to check up on me. Just calling to see how I was doing. Today he called me at work to make sure I was taking breaks and sitting in the back room resting whenever I could.

Your response to the question should be, "WTF do you care? You're out humping that sl*t instead of being a man and taking care of your wife and child. Stick your false sense of caring up your a$$!"

I've been reading up on your thread and your situation is sad and makes me sick as a man. It is NOT normal as a man to want to bail because your wife is pregnant. Your H is abusing you emotionally and manipulating you and it's because you're letting him.

Honestly, I feel you will get much further with him if you make him see that he chooses to either be your husband and step up, grow up, and quit being an idiot or you will file for abandonment, sole custody, and ring him for every ounce of child support and spousal support you can get.

What you said above bothers me because you don't see it for what it is: manipulation.

He throws you a scrap of affection to keep you on the hook and you somehow see this as a good sign.

It's not. It's sick manipulation.

It's time for you to stop the "nice" game and get ticked! rant2

Have you exposed this affair to OW's family? Have you called her parents about this?

Quit communicating with him and let him know that you're done with this sick game he's playing. He can't father a child and then just take off to act like a carefree idiot and that being a man means stepping up and taking care of your wife and your child.

Seriously, PSC, please stop accepting his scraps, grow a backbone, and lay down the gauntlet.

Let him know you're done with the cake eating and idiotic behavior and that he has a choice. He dumps the bimbo or he gets served with divorce papers and that you will do everything in your power to crucify him in court and make sure that he gets as little time with his child as possible.

Quit seeing positives in these scraps he throws your way. It's a guilty conscience on his part and it's nothing but patronizing you.

Men like him make me sick.


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Baron, you realize that PSC had her own A first? This is a convoluted mess and she really should not make any ultimatums. I doubt that they would help her to R her M which she has stated she wants to do.

PSC, you are going to have to put your boundaries in place at some point and Plan B your WH, but as I have stated before I think you should wait til after the baby is born and your WH has spent some quality time with him/her. Up until that time you should be in plan A and eliminating the LBs.

The baby is going to bring all of its own stresses and you will have your hands full. Your emotions will be up and down as well due to the lack of sleep and the constant needs of the baby. Just be prepared. Dealing with the baby and your WH's A may just sink the boat. You're not going to be able to deal with both of them for very long. Please, please be watchful of your breaking point. Know when you are getting close and prepare for it. Your baby is going to have to be your priority. You'll have to go to plan B.


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Baron, I appreciate your response and wish I could follow it. I have thought about it many times, but I know that if I did H would feel his feelings were justified and that this past year was a sham. He feels that I just came back b/c it was "comfortable" and that I really dont love him like I say I do. On the other hand he tells me that I have done everything right for the past year and this is him not me. I came back b/c I realized I DO want to be with him and I was being stupid and an idiot.

I do think that every time he calls its b/c he feels guilty of what he is doing. The reason I look at these as positive moments is b/c they keep coming and im trying to Plan A him. I dont call him, he calls me. I dont text him, he texts me. Every time he calls or texts I stay as happy/positive as I can. I dont bring up anything about us anymore and I stopped LBing him. Now when he comes to the house he sees that I have been doing things, ie. cleaning up, cooking, resting. He has made comments about it and I go with it.

MicheleG, I am doing my best to Plan A him. The calls, texts, and him stopping by more seem to show he is seeing me not pushing R and just being me again. It is hard, but I have a week from today til the baby gets here. I know that for at least a week after the baby is born I will have my mom and sister here to help me. After that I will be on my own. I hope H decides to come around and bond with the baby, but im not expecting it. He says he is going to do everything he can for her and he doesnt want me to shut him out of her life. It is his child so as long as he comes around I am willing to work with him. As soon as he stops then I know I need to protect us legally.

I have a friend from high school who is a lawyer and I am calling her today and asking some questions about the laws here in this state. I want to be as knowledgable as I can be about what my rights are and what I can do incase H doesnt live up to what he is telling me.

On a side note, H's father is coming home in about a week and is so p***** off at his actions. He wants to have a talk to H about what he is doing to me. I dont know if this will get anywhere, but its nice to have people on my side. My FIL knows about my A and doesnt approve, but still doesnt think H should be treating me like he is. When H told him 2 months ago that he and I were separating, his dad told him NOT to hurt me. Seems that went in one ear and out the other.


Me: FWW 35
H: BS 33
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Make sure FIL knows about OW.

You see, from my standpoint everything changes when there is a child in the picture.

Kids didn't ask for this mess. If he wanted nothing to do with you after your affair, then fine. He should have left you and moved on. But he didn't and now he fathered a child with you.

Time to be a man and step up.

Those who stray need to attempt to work things out for their children. You don't stay because of the kids. You work on improving your marriage for the kids. They didn't ask for mom and dad to have their heads up their butts.

So your WH has to step up.

And if he doesn't then you need to play hardball, file for abandonment and adultery, and milk every last penny from him that you can with minimal time with DD for being a cheating idiot.

I have zero tolerance for cheaters when kids are involved. They either recommit to the marriage or should be ostracized from their children's lives for what they've done to the family.

How are you going to feel when you WH takes your baby around OW?

You might tolerate his garbage right now, but you'll be Mama Bear protecting her cub when that baby is born and I'd come down on him with a million hammers to make sure your baby is never around that woman.

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psc_77 Offline OP
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I have thought about H bringing DD around OW. Thankfully she lives in another state so there will be no chance of her coming around. If H moves closer to her I will have a plan in place where OW is not allowed to be around my child--I will do everything I can to prevent this. I dont think H will be taking DD with him out of state while she is still so young, and I dont think I want him to.

FIL does know about OW and has some choice words about her. No offense to anyone here, but her ethnicity has come into play with reguards to these words. H never had kind words to say about people of her background either, but now all of a sudden they are wonderful people. Im not a prejudiced person, but I do have some choice words for 1 in particular.

The reason H has decided (at least this is what he is telling me, yea right) to split up right now is b/c he feels that if we separate/divorce before the baby realizes what is going on then it will be easier on her in the future. He says that if we keep on going and in 5 yrs we decided that this isnt right then she will be hurt more. I dont nessessarily agree. I think that knowing her parents couldnt stay together and split up while she wasnt even born is just as hurtful as spliting up when she knows what is going on. And besides, H wanted to have a child with me and now he cant be married to me. That doesnt make sense.

As I have stated before here, we all hope this is just a mid-life crisis type of thing going on with H and he is going to snap out of it when the baby is born. I dont think it will happen, but right now he is so confused anything is possible. I can see he is purposefully acting like he is b/c he thinks it makes the situation easier. He doesnt want to own up to the fact that he still has feelings for me and is trying hard to show he doesnt. I know him better than he thinks I do. I just hope he doesnt push our DD out like is he doing to me. He wont be happy about the situation if he does.


Me: FWW 35
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D-day: 4/10/08
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Quote
The reason H has decided (at least this is what he is telling me, yea right) to split up right now is b/c he feels that if we separate/divorce before the baby realizes what is going on then it will be easier on her in the future. He says that if we keep on going and in 5 yrs we decided that this isnt right then she will be hurt more.

This is such a foggy statement.

Your child will feel the pain either way. It's a cop out, but it's exactly what waywards say to ease their conscience. They try to justify their screwd up actions.

I think a call to your lawyer is a good thing. At least get an idea of what you will need to do if WH continues on this path. YOU'RE going to have to protect you and your new family member because WH won't. Right now he is only looking after himself.


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I have an apt to talk to my lawyer friend tomorrow afternoon.

I wish this whole situation would just go away. I know I hurt him bad, but I had thought we were moving in the right direction to heal. This whole thing now is just more messed up than before.


Me: FWW 35
H: BS 33
Married 2002
DD: 3 yr old
D-day: 4/10/08
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 114
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For some reason I missed the appointment with the lawyer today. I think our paths crossed and we just missed each other. I am going to try her again tomorrow and hope that I can get in touch.

On a good note, I went and got my hair done today. Something I havent done since I got pregnant. I feel like a new person and H noticed. He said I looked very pretty and he liked my hair. I didnt get it done for him, but for me. Its nice though that he noticed.

Small things for me, but big steps for my self-esteem.


Me: FWW 35
H: BS 33
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DD: 3 yr old
D-day: 4/10/08
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Glad you got your hair done, every little thing helps your self-esteem. Hope you can hook-up with your attorney tomorrow.

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I missed talking to the lawyer again today. I spoke to her receptionist early this morning and found out she was supposed to call me from her cell. Since we knew each other from high school and the fact I live 250 miles away, I dont think she is looking at me like a potential client. Im ok with that since I really just want some answers. I will continue to keep trying to get in touch with her though.

H and I had another talk this morning. He instigated this one. He started talking about his feelings and what he wants to feel and let me know deep down he does want to be with me. This is very different from the "its over" talk we had on the 1st. I have been being a good girl and Plan A'ing him. He did tell me its been a few weeks since he saw any negative behaviors from me. I am feeling good about myself lately.

He came by the house this afternoon and mentioned something about going to eat. I had just finished eating so I wasnt hungry and said that if he waited a few hours I would be willing to go with him. He ended up making a joke about not wanting to go eat with him or spend time with him (not trying to make me feel bad, this is the kind of joking he used to do and it never bothered me). I ended up going and eating--I really was hungry again...thank you baby, lol.

I know I shouldnt look too much into this but its nice to see some of the "old" H re-emerge. I have been telling MIL that its there but she hasnt seen it. The other night he sat up with us both and watched some tv. The old H was sitting there with us and she was amazed.

I am continuing with what I am doing. I feel better about me and I am getting ready for the baby to be here. Im still scared, but its getting exciting. I have just a few more days. What is nice is that I have alot of friends calling me asking me if they can come visit. Everyone elses excited mood is helping me to get more excited and think less about the other stuff.


Me: FWW 35
H: BS 33
Married 2002
DD: 3 yr old
D-day: 4/10/08
Joined: Jun 2005
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PSC,

You're doing good. You will see flashes of your old H on occasion and it will bring you hope. That's not a bad thing. Just protect yourself a little bit and don't let HIS behaviors dictate your feelings or behaviors. KWIM? Your WH is still in there and it wouldn't take much to bring him out. You just keep on track.

Keep doing things that make you feel good about yourself. And keep up the good plan A. This is your time to show him how life can be if he should make his way back. Make it good, show your changes and be sincere.

What is it 5 days and counting? That IS exciting.

Good job PSC.


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Yea, 5 days....so close yet still so far away. I still cant believe it is so close to the date.


Me: FWW 35
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D-day: 4/10/08
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I really feel for you. I have been reading up on your situation and am a little on the fence...

I think you should wait til after the baby is born, maybe a month or two, but then you should just lay it all out to him. Tell him that you do love him and that you know your A has made things very difficult for him, but what he is doing is not right and is NOT justified by what you did. Two wrongs do not make a right and you will not sit back and let him walk on you forever.

Tell him you love him very much and will go to counseling and talk with him and anything else he needs from you to reassure him that you love him and want to work this out, but you will not stand for him seeing this other woman.

Like I said, wait til the baby is born and you have had a while to adjust. You don't want all that stress at once, but at some point you have to do what is right for you and the baby. I too feel like he is stringing you along.

Have you thought about contacting this woman via Myspace and talking to her in a non-threatening way and explaining to her as nicely as possible (at first) that he is your husband and you two are having a baby? I wonder if he has told her any of this.


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Right now I am worried about what is going on between them and yes I have thought about contacting her through myspace. I am not going to take any action until after we have the baby though b/c it is so close and I have to think about what I need to do to get my house ready for when we bring her home. After things settle down I am planning on contacting her.

If she has any brain in her head she knows we are having a baby. Alot of other people post about getting ready for the baby and its coming soon on his myspace. We had a baby shower early Feb and she knew about it too. Right now I think it doesnt matter to her b/c H has been snowing her over about what is going on too. This coming from a friend of his who knows her as well.

I hate what is going on right now, but I am doing the best I can. H has been more responsive to me and quit talking about D. Now he says you never know what will happen and that he still loves me. After the baby comes we will see what happens. Until then I am doing what I can for me and our baby.


Me: FWW 35
H: BS 33
Married 2002
DD: 3 yr old
D-day: 4/10/08
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 114
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H came by last night and asked if he could stay the night. He sounded humble about it and I said yes. I was shocked. We got to talking and he said he wants to stay with me this whole week b/c of the baby. I was shocked again. We had a really good talk last night.

As we were laying there I started crying a few times and he said not to hold it in, but to let it out and cry. I couldnt though. I have cried so much in front of him I dont want to anymore. He also held my hand and had his arm against my belly, feeling every move the baby was making. It was such a special moment. It was like the old H was back.

This morning though he was replaced by the new H. He looked upset that he had to endure what he did last night. I know he isnt going to change over night and I dont expect him to. I guess I was hoping he wouldnt look so put out.

I go into the hospital tomorrow night to get ready for the baby on Tuesday. H said he would stay with me while I am in the hospital.

My problem is that he still calls her and I dont want him to have that while he is with me. I am going to tell him that while he is with me he does not need to answer any texts or phone calls from her. If he cant talk to whomever is on the phone in front of me then he doesnt need to answer the call.

I am nervous about how to start the conversation though. He gets very defensive and tends to get angry. He knows I dont care for her. I want him to understand that this is going to be OUR time and she has no part in it. My feelings are that if he does walk out of the room to talk to her, he better keep on walking.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to approach this? I get very nervous talking about her with him b/c of his reactions. I know how I am and I want to be strong but its hard sometimes. I want him to understand that this is not an option.


Me: FWW 35
H: BS 33
Married 2002
DD: 3 yr old
D-day: 4/10/08
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