I have just found out my H has been talking to a female friend WAY more than I originally thought. I know red flags everywhere...but I had talked to him about it and he insisted she was strictly a friend. ATM we are going through a "separation" due to my A that ended April '08.

I want to ask H more about the phone calls and texts he has been doing, but I dont know the best way to approach the topic. Right now he isnt sure he wants to be married to me because he cant get past the nightmares and thoughts about what I did. I am trying to be supportive of his decision but still show him I love him and want us to work on our M. I know he has every right to D me, but I do hope we can work things out.

The phone calls and texts though really bother me. I see all the warning signs that I demonstrated while I was in the A. I have talked to my MIL about the situation and she says there is no way he could be having an A. I do believe her too, but I cant get past the thoughts of "what if".

Because we are separated right now I dont feel I have the right to question every little thing he does, much less who he talks to. I still cant get past it. As far as exposing, im not sure how. I told his mom about what is going on and she has talked to him (she got the same response about being friends as I did). I have this girl's #, but she knows we are married, but separated.

What is the best way to approach this situation and try to talk about it with out pushing my H out the door completely?

Log the info and use it to show that you marriage is in danger when it gets more obvious.

Be cautious to send him here.

Have you been separated since April '08?

No since April '08 we have been workng on our M. We got pregnant a few months later--yes it was planned--and last month he told me he wasnt sure he was "in love" with me and needed some time to think. I had no clue he was still having problems as bad as they are because he never told me.

This weekend was really hard for me. My H and I had a baby shower his mom was giving us that a lot of people were coming to. My mom came down for the weekend to come to the shower and to come for moral support for me. It was nice to have her here.

I have been having problems with my H and his "friend" and the amount of time he has been on the phone with her. I didnt know how to approach him about it. I ended up sitting up one night and writing my thoughts down so I would have a nonconfrontational discussion with him. Because of my mom being here he stayed away most of the weekend (he thinks she hates him because of this situation). I had my mom read the letter I wrote and asked her if it sounded harsh or honest--she said it sounded like I was being honest about my feelings and that he shouldnt get angry about it. I was pleased with myself--the posts here and the books I have been reading have been very helpful in my recognition of LBs and I can consciously avoid them.

So back to the shower. It was supposed to be a very happy time for the both of us. Only a handful of people know that we are trying a separation and are having problems. At the shower, people were asking all kinds of questions about the baby and us, if we were ready, how was her room coming along, were we excited, etc. All normal questions for a happy couple to get excited about, only thing is we arent the happy couple that everyone thinks we are. Also, the gifts had alot of "I love Daddy" items and I wanted to cry every time I opened one. It just reinforced the fact that he isnt here with me. I enjoyed the shower and I was very thankful to my MIL for giving it to us. She almost cancelled it when H told her what was going on, but decided not to because I would need alot of help if H left. She is a wonderful person.

After the shower I wanted to have H come home with me and start sorting out things and getting them put away. He had other plans. I didnt mind that he was going out with his friends, he hasnt spent alot of time with them and he needs some friends right now too. While he was gone I started to cry, I couldnt keep it inside any longer. I had been checking out the phone records and noticed a pattern to his calls to "her". He calls her before he meets me, after he meets me, all night while he is out, when he wakes up, basically all day. I also noticed he called her from the shower--that was a slap in the face to me and made me cry that much more.

My mom had left right after the shower to drive back home (its a 5 hr drive for her) so I couldnt call her. I decided to go to my MILs house. She understood why I was upset and had no clue the extent of the phone calls H was making. She also told me about an x-friend of ours that has been noticing his activities on myspace. She had concerns about what was going on too. After hearing that I didnt feel like I was making this up, someone else was noticing the same things. My MIL and I talked for about 6 hrs about it.

When H came home after being out, I decided to go try to talk to him--nothing too heavy, just a friendly chat. Both of us were uncomfortable. It was like neither one of us knew what to say so we sat there and watched tv for an hour until he decided to go to bed. Surprisingly he stayed at the house, still sleeping in the spare room.

This morning I couldnt take it anymore. I had checked the phone records for last night to see how long he talked to her while he was out. I was outraged--he spent almost 200 min on one phone call with her. I decided it was time to read the letter to him. I read it and shook the whole time while I did it. After I felt better. His response was that I was way off. She is just a friend and someone he can talk to and be objective because she doesnt know me. He told me he has no feelings for her and that I will never see her number on our phone bill again--he was gatting another phone to talk to her on. He said he would not stop talking to her at all no matter what I said and that hurt alot. I told him that I saw all the signs from when I was doing the same thing. It just pops out to me because I did them too. He doesnt see it as the same thing because he doesnt view her as anything more than a friend.

The discussion went on to get more involved in our situation and he told me that he had this one night that a recurring nightmare of me in our bed with the OM really scared him and he took it as a sign that he needed to think about our R. He decided that he wasnt "in love". I told him he should have told me about it so we could have talked it over and I could have reassured him that the A was over and I was here with him forever. I tried to explain about this site and the books I have read, but he wants nothing to do with it. He kept telling me that he needed space and time to think.

Tonight we got to talk again. He needs space and I told him I wouldnt be the one to be the aggressor for anything. I have been trying to keep showing him I am here for him and want us to work out, but I seem to be pushing him away. I told him if he wants to talk with me he can call me, he still wants to know that I get home safe from work so I will call him, but if I get his vm, ill leave a message or text him. I wont keep calling him. He seems to be appreciative of this, but at the same time is telling me I dont have to do that. I can call him or text him and talk whenever I want to. This seems to be a contradiction to me. If he wants space why would he tell me not to cut contact with him? He still hugs me and kisses me (not romantically) and says I love you.

He still has strong feelings for me, but doesnt think we are going to work out. He would like us to because we have had some good times together and before all this A stuff happened we were happy (for the most part). I want to Plan A him, but he is unwilling to fill out any questionnairs (EN or LB) and wants nothing to do with counselling, reading, or any help. He says he is waiting for that feeling of "I cant live with out you" to happen again for him. I have little hope that this will just happen out of nowhere, especially if he is talking to "her" and not me. I know a few of his ENs but one is out of the question atm (SF).

He wrote a blog on his myspace about his job and the hard work it is and the danger involved. I commented that I was proud of him and that I will stand by him no matter what because I love him for what he is doing. This was supposed to be something I was doing to help out his need for admiration. Unfortunately someone he had as a friend commented back about my comment and it wasnt quite so nice. H deleted half of his page and that friend because of it. So much for my boost of admiration for him.

I know some people dont think highly of me for hurting him in the past, but it was his choice to take me back and work on this R. It is unfortunate that I am trying to show him that I do think the world of him and love him so much and they have to ruin it.

I want to keep showing him that I have changed and that this is the real me now. O&H about everything and committed to him 100%. He needs space and I am willing to give it to him, but he seems to not really want the space. I am so confused as to what he wants from me. I ask and he says dont push, let him have space, let him have his friends. And in the next breath he says he doesnt mind me calling him, texting him, and he wants to spend some time with me every now and then, tells me he loves me, hugs/kisses me. AND on top of all this my hormones are raging because of the pregnancy....

Im not sure if anyone reads this and has anything to say, but its nice to vent sometimes. Yesterday was a tough one for me. My H wants space to find his feelings and do what he needs to do to be himself. I agreed to this only because it seems that if I do what I think I need/want to do to show him I want to stay married it just pushes him away.

It seems I have effectively pushed him away now not knowing it. I thought it would be better for him to have some time to be apart from me to see that this is where he wants to be, but its not. He instantly changed his myspace to "single". I hate myspace and the pain it causes so many people.

I know im probably doing everything all wrong with my R right now. Im scared, hurt, confused, and in need of a friend. Only thing is im not going out and finding someone to fill that position because I thought I had a H to fill it. He told me he wants to be friends, that he still loves me, and that he wants to be here for me. All that seems like a lie right now.

He doesnt see what he is doing and wont even talk to his parents right now about it. His dad told him when all this started not to hurt me--he idolizes his dad and wont even talk to him now. I thank God for my MIL. With out her I wouldnt be in the state of mind I am right now. She listens to me and doesnt judge me. She cant believe what her son is doing--its not him.

Love is a wonderful thing, but it sure can hurt alot of the time too. I still love my H and want us to work out. I want to show him I love him, but I think I need to start showing him how it is to be on his own, not married anymore. Seems that is what he wants.

He told me that if he had known what I was doing when my A started he would have stopped me and fixed our M. I tried to do just that and he doesnt think it is the same. I see the signs and know what is coming but cant get through to him about it. And his excuse is that I have hurt him too much and he cant get past it.

Should I keep trying to Plan A him, or go to Plan B? I dont want to cut him off totally because I have 5 weeks left of my pregnancy and want him to be in the baby's life. He wants to come to the Dr. apointments and be apart of the process, but doesnt want to be around me. He helped make this baby and wont stand by me now.

I tried to work it out so i could talk to Dr. Harley, but i cant afford that right now. I wish I could. I need some instruction right now. I think I need to call my Dr. about some anti-depressants if I can take them, or some other kind of treatment. I want my baby to stay healthy and this situation is hurting me too bad.

If anyone has a suggestion as to Plan A/B it would be appreciated.

psc_77: If I were you I would ask your MIL/FIL for some $$ so you can talk to the Harleys counselors. Beg, borrow, do whatever you can to get some IC help.

You are in a tough situation because of your previous A and what seems like your husbands current A. Double trouble. ICK.

I wish I had more words of wisdom for you. Hope for the best for you and your child.

So sorry to read this, psc. I can't advise you to Plan A or Plan B as I'm no expert, struggling myself to save a marriage that I betrayed.

I was looking around MB to see if I could gather more info about you and your situation since you don't include a signiture on your posts. You've started quite a few independent threads. It'll be much easier for folks to follow your story and to help you if you keep your story under one single thread. If you want that thread to be this one, can you answer the following to paint a more complete picture?

Married when?
First marriage for both?
Ages of you and H?
Any other children?
Was your A an EA or PA?
How did it start?
When did it start?
How long did it last?
How was your A discovered?
How does H know this "friend"?
Where is "friend" geographically in relation to you and your H?
Has H spent any time with friend since D-day that you know of?
You state you're separated yet H is sleeping in your home. Does he stay there all the time or does he have his own place now?

Because you and I have BTDT, we know that your H is having at a minimum, an EA with this OW. I'm all for going Plan A while snooping and gathering evidence so you can widely expose when right. When you typed this, "He told me he wants to be friends, that he still loves me, and that he wants to be here for me. All that seems like a lie right now," you know that your H is cake-eating, right? But again, I give way to the experts.

Where I will speak up is on something more immediate considering you're about to give birth any day here.

I'm worried about you. You're very pregnant, you're now stressed about your M, and you sound like you have no support system other than your MIL. In addition, if you're like me, you're still trying to process your own A -- the how-could-I-have-done-this-to-people-I-care-for processing and dealing with the emotions that entails.

Do you belong to a church, have a neighbor, a former co-worker, or anyone you could trust to support you now? You need someone to encourage you to take care of yourself and to be there when your H isn't around since it's apparent that he's distracted by this OW -- even avoiding his own extended family.

Of course you can't not worry about your H and what's happening because you love him, but you can't control your H. You must care of your baby and yourself first. These are things that you CAN control.

As you've already experienced, there are many here to help if you need to vent, need an objective point-of-view, a reality check, a laugh, or prayers.

Take care, psc.

Your H is having an affair, you know that, don't you?
When he says he "needs space" what he means is "Don't interfere in my affair."

What are his top ENs?
What LBs are you guilty of?
Is OW married?
Does she work with your WH?

Plan A
Expose - to OW's H, to OW's parents, to your parents, to the head of HR and the CEO of their work place, to siblings, to your priest, anyone who will have an influence on H and his affair.

Quit pretending like everything is hunky-dory. Quit covering up for him.

Thank you for your replies.

L4 here is a little back ground of me.

H and I married 2002, 1st for both. This is our first child, and yes she was planned. I am 31 and H is about to be 30 in a few months.

My A started as an EA--met online playing WoW (dont play anymore). It started at the end of 2006--November-ish. It was strictly a friendship--much like H is doing now. It turned to a PA July 2007, I had gone to meet him in another state my G-parents happened to live in. My excuse for going was to take care of them (both in their 90's). He lives in the southern end of the state and my g-parents in the north. I met the OM 2 times, july and october 2007. After that I started having my doubts about him, but I wasnt ready to be totally committed to H. I came home in Feb of 2008--the 13th to be exact so its been almost a year to the date I have been home. D-day was April 10, 2008. H had suspected things and I kept denying. I ws still in contact with OM after I came home. I didnt know how to end it without H finding out. OM ended up contacting H through e-mail and told him what was going on. H had contacted him first and got no reply, and when I stopped talking to OM he decided to tell H what had gone on. It took us about a week to recover from the shock, and H made me call OM and tell him it was over. Looking back we have done some MB ways with out even knowing it.

As far as H and his "friend" goes. He met her in Oct. 2008 at a college football game with some friends of his. She became friends with a few of them--adding them all on myspace. I noticed H added her to his list and put her as a top friend, but he never mentioned her and she didnt do much on his page. Comments every now and then, but nothing out of the ordinary. I started noticing more activity from her, but didnt think much of it--myspace tends to be a drama site if you look into it too much.

H started pulling away from me this Jan and on the 15th he told me he wasnt "in love" with me. Until this point I had no clue he was calling her at all. H told me a week or so later that he had been talking to her, I didnt think anything of it--she was a friend to a few of the guys and H has told me that he would never do anything with out telling me it was over. I found out though the cell phone records that she lies in Texas--we are in Louisiana. Close, but still far enough away. H is a cop and had a really good case get picked up by the DEA. He talked to them about what he needed to do to join, if he ever wanted to. They told him that the San Antonio PD has the same training and if he could get on with them, he could make it in the DEA. He told me he was going to go see if he could at the end of Feb he was going to go apply. We had a discussion about "her" around the same time and I voiced my concern about the amount of time he was talking to her--all times of day/night, and that it was real convient if he wanted to see her that he would be in Tx soon. He told me he hadnt thought of that, and that he wouldnt do that. As far as I know it has all been through myspace, email, and phone. I do know her cell phone is based out of.....San Antonio....quite convient if you ask me. It scares me that he is going there and she isnt far away. I did a little snopping on the SAPD website about the hiring, to see if his dates matched up with theirs. His date of applying is correct, but he told me that he could take the test the next day and the test isnt offered until March 25. My due date is March 20. I am VERY upset about that and I hope and pray he doesnt leave me to test while I am about to have his baby.

At the moment we have a spare bed in the soon-to-be baby's room. H stays there when he sleeps over. The rest of the time he is at his parents house. He has a key to his partner's apartment, but stays at the parents house because it is closer to me in case I need him.

For our state legal separation doesnt have to be used, word of mouth stands up in court when it comes to a D if both parties agree on dates and such. Right now nothing is split he just isnt living here. It might be the wrong way of doing things, but it is easier financially for both of us.

I hope this clears up a few things for anyone reading.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but your husband is having a full-blown affair. Maybe it hasn't become PA yet, but that's in the works with his planned trip to Texas.

The good news is that I don't think he can file for divorce while you're pregnant. AND if he moves to Texas, he won't be able to file here (I live in Texas) until he's been a resident for a certain amount of time.

This means you have time.

Have you done any exposure besides his family?

Do you know who this OW is? Is she married? Does she have family that you could expose to? Have you exposed to his work? Is he using company time to contact her?

Be prepared if you do exposure for him to go ballistic. They pretty much all do. But the thing is, your marriage can survive his anger over exposure, it cannot survive an active affair.

You've got a double whammy on you because of your own adultery. But hopefully, you have done everything possible to recover from that and learned a new way of thinking about your marriage. It is precious and the vows you made should never be taken lightly.

The most important thing for you to do right now is take care of yourself physically. Your health and the baby's health are at risk here. You're going to need your strength when the baby comes.

So sorry you're here.

TH, I have been doing alot of thinking about ENs, LBs and I have asked H to sit down to do the questionnairs with me. He flat out refuses to do anything that might help us. I have looked back at past experiences/behaviors and I think his top 3 are SF, O&H, and Admiration. SF is out of the question right now, he wants nothing to do with me that way. O&H I have been since D-day, and I continue to be so. H doesnt believe me, btu my story hasnt changed and wont. Admiration, I tried to respond to a myspace blog about his job and told him how proud I was of the work he does and he deleted half his page. Said someone else wrote something nasty about what I had written and he didnt appreciate it. He said he deleted that person too. I asked my MIL who she thought it was and she doesnt think he deleted anyone. We both this the "friend" made a comment and he didnt want anyone finding out.

As for LBs, I realized just now when you asked that I am guilty of DJ. I am trying to push books, this site, and anything else I can on him to get him to want to recover. I wont do that anymore. He has refused anyways. I am also guilty of selfish demands. I want him here with me right now because I am pregnant and hurting from him and need someone to comfort me. I keep asking him not to take the spare bed out so he has a place to stay if he comes here, and I have told him that I still want him to come spend time with me. I am doing it because I want him here with me and not off with anyone else, even if he has a legitimate reason he cant be here.

I want to expose, but I dont have anyone I know of close to "her" that I could tell. My MIL and I talk on a daily basis about this. My mom also knows and tries to help me out. I could tell his friends here, I know a few of them already know about her. When my A was discovered, we didnt tell anyone other than the parents. I will need to come clean to his friends, but I dont want them thinking I am trying to get back at him for wanting to leave me.

L4 you had asked me also if I had anyone else to talk to here, unfortunately I do not. I have a few co-workers that I could talk to, but being a manager it is a fine line to cross between boss and worker. I dont want to make it strange at work for anyone. Most of my friends live out of the area, but I am going to my parents this week and will get a chance to talk to one of them.

Oh, forgot to add, OM isnt marriend but has a boyfriend according to H. My question is, why is she talking to my H ALL DAY AND NIGHT, when does she spend time with her BF? I am keeping tract of the phone records. H isnt hiding them and when I confronted him about the amount of time he was talking to her, he said "you wont see her number again, ill get a new phone like you did". Because I was there where he is, I see all the signs and know what is coming. Im not oblivious to this. I did tell him that he didnt have to incurr another bill and that IF this is purely innocent I have no problems with him talking to her. Also this is a way I can see how much he talks to her.

Your H is a cop who doesn't sleep at your home much and who is making plans to be out of state as your baby's due date nears. If not for someone to talk to, is there at least someone who can be there for you physically to assist you? You don't have to embroil this person(s) in the troubled details of your M, but someone you can befriend to be there on a moment's notice should you go into labor or need a pickup from the pharmacy or delivery of an emergency ration of ice cream? You can tell people that you're going through a rough patch with your H but don't want to discuss it further if you want to keep things private. But ask the person(s) if you can call on them should you need anything.

A neighbor who is at home during the day? A cousin? A former co-worker whom you don't manage any more? Just thinking aloud, here...

Thankfully my MIL doesnt work and only lives a few min away from me. She is ready at a moments notice to help me out and has. I do have a couple that are friends of ours I can talk to possibly. H told me they do know that we are having problems at the moment so maybe I could have them for some support. Its a plus too--she is a nurse.

You know she lives in the San Antonio area.
You know her phone number.
Do you know her name?

You could probably find out a lot of info on her from a site like intelius.com, or you could hire a PI. A PI could tell you if she's married, possibly where she works, possibly who her parents are and their contact info, all kinds of things... but I don't know how much they'd charge.

I wouldn't give any credence at all to his statement that OW has a boyfriend. He's just saying that to make you not be jealous. For all you know she's married and has eight kids.

PSC

You know the reality of this situation. He's having an A. The cr@p he's telling you is just that...cr@p. He needs his space to carry on his A. You know that. So you have to start a plan.

Right now you won't be able to do what most can do because of your pregnancy. You are going to have to settle back and take care of the baby and yourself FIRST. This is your first child and it is exhausting. Add in the emotional turmoil that is already in your life and you will have a melt down. So let's see what you can do before the baby comes.

My suggestion is that you plan A doing both the carrot and the stick of Plan A. You continue to gather info without telling him what you have. Stop talking about your M with him. Show him by your actions what life will be like at home with you and the baby. Get the baby room squared away. Decorate it. Make the rest of the house inviting and homey. Find a intermediary. Someone who supports your M and can be the go between for you and your WH. They need to know EXACTLY what their role is and how to protect you from his daily drama. YOU WILL HAVE ENOUGH DRAMA TAKING CARE OF YOUR BABY. Get your support system into place. Without your WH to help care for the baby you are going to need help from MIL and others at first. ASK THEM FOR ASSISTANCE NOW. Let them know what you will need. Get that part of your life in order as best as you can because EVERYTHING changes the moment that baby arrives.

In a normal family environment when a baby arrives, most things go out the window until a routine is developed and things settle down. This doesn't take too long, maybe a month, so that is when I think you should go into plan B. You'll have planned A for over a month, you'll have gotten your ducks in a row, you'll have delivered the baby and you'll have settled down into your routine. Your WH can still be a part of the delivery, hopefully bond some with his child and REALLY HOPEFULLY see what he would be giving up prior to plan B.

Those are my thoughts and you should only consider them as such. As someone else posted, a call to The Harleys would be beneficial if you could swing it. They are the experts!

I'm more concerned about you and the baby right now rather than your M. The baby is coming. You are going to HAVE to prepare for his/her care and the health and sanity of yourself. And the peace that you can find in Plan B will help you during this difficult time, a time when most women are pushed emotionally and physically to places they never knew before.

I think you've got to start planning.

My suggestion: Don't believe anything your H has to say about the OW. Do what you can to find out more about her.

Then, call the OW. Tell her your H's W with a child on the way, and tell her to butt out of your M. Do not wait for a response, and especially don't try to appeal to her sense of reason to give up the inappropriate relationship with your H.

If H is lying to you about OW, he's likely lying to OW about you.

Today wasnt so bad after I got to work. It kinda took my mind off things for a while. I havent pushed talking to H today and for some strange reason he decides to start texting me. Its a nice change that he is starting things, not me.

I had told him Monday that I would give him some space. I had been calling him, trying to keep some communication open. He doesnt want me to keep pushing so I stopped. Low and behold, he is calling me and texting now. He told me today that he knows how much I am hurting right now and is going to try harder to be more sensitive to me and not shut me out.

I am still cautious about things because I know its WAY too soon to think things have changed. Its just ironic to me that when I stop communicating so much to him, he starts. I will take any communication from him I can get right now. Anything to try to have some time with him and let him see that its not so bad here.

He stopped by after he got off work tonight and sat with me talking/watching tv for about an hour. I know its hard on him right now too, he is hurting bad from my A still. But running away from the problem wont fix it.

I know we will have good days and bad days. I hope that the good days out number the bad ones. His myspace still says single and that hurts, but I cant change it. I just have to deal with it for right now.

Myspace....lots of drama....

Would it be causing more problems than its worth to start leaving comments for H when OW leaves them too? Everyone of his friends can see what she leaves, innocent or not it raises questions. I dont want to start a fight, but I want people to know I still love him and im still in his life.

PSC

This is the drama that I am referring to in my other post. If you have exposed the A to friends who can influence him to stop the A, and have told them that you are trying to save your M already there is no reason to engage in this game. You cannot control him, OW, anybody but you. Will it make a difference if you post? What will that do?


I honestly don't see any good in that.

When he asks for space, it's indicative that he wants to pursue his affair unfettered by your meddling. People that are invested in the marriage get their "space" by sitting on the porch reading a novel, or taking a long bath, or tinkering in their shop.

Don't talk about relationship stuff right now. Just DROP IT. Every time you want to talk about "us" and "the marriage" you push him away. Every time you say "I love you" and the subtext is "Do you love me? Please please please say you love me too." it pushes him away. So just stop it.

Of course things haven't changed. From what you've written here, which is all we have to go by, you haven't exposed or done anything else to help end the affair.

What ENs are you meeting?
What LBs are the toughest for you to avoid?
When are you going to expose?

TH, I checked out that website you mentioned and im currently waiting for my report to come to me. After that I will know alot more about her. As for exposing him to his friends, I am working on that. My FIL is out of town right now, but MIL is filling him in and he cant wait to talk to H. H wont call his dad or answer calls from him though so that might be a while. Exposing him at work will do nothing, the cops he works with run affairs all the time, I see it and its no big deal with them. I know im not jumping in head first on exposing. H has been a bit better lately towards me though (I know excuses....).

I did talk to my Dr. today about getting on anti-depressants. She got me a prescription, so maybe I will be a bit better able to handle day-to-day. I am protecting myself and my baby and I am going to try not to dwell on H so much.

As for telling him "I love you" I didnt realize it was pushing him away. He has been trying to stop telling me that so maybe I should too. Im not bringing up the M anymore, maybe he will relax around me now.

Plan A him:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Its been a few days, a few hard days, but I am surviving. H blew up when he found out I was on anti-depressants. Guess it upset him that he was hurting me that bad. I wasnt doing it to get back at him, I really need something to help me not cry so much all day everyday. Since then though he has made more of an effort to communicate with me. Im not bring up our M or the OW, just trying to talk to him.

I did create some tension between us though on the 13th. He left his phone where I could get to it while taking a shower and I found out his pw. I snooped in his text messages to OW and found out a few things. He had sent her flowers to her work for V-day and in an earlier message told her he loved her. I was deeply hurt. I should have waited to tell him about it, but I couldnt help myself. He blew up at me and said he was moving out. I had shown him I couldnt be trusted and it was over. He told me that he and the OW had talked and nothing was going to happen until we were divorced, but that they had talked about starting a R if in fact we got a D. The future planing and the texts confirmed that that wasnt a "friendship". I am glad I found out and told him about it. I did make a mistake and apologized to him for snooping, but Im not really sorry.

Since then I have let his have his "space". I dont call him, I wait for him to call me to text me. he had told me he didnt get me anything for V-day. I told him I didnt expect anything. I had gotten him something to show him I was thinking about him, I do still care deeply for him, and that if he wants to I am here for him. When I got up the next morning he had gotten me a gift and a card that said dont give up praying for us.

All day yesterday I didnt contact him, but he contacted me twice to talk. It is nice to see him making the effort to contact me and check up on how I am doing. H never moved out, but is still staying in the spare room. Last night I woke up to go to the bathroom and he was home (had just got off work). He told me that after he said he wasnt getting me a V-day gift that he couldnt do that to me. He still loves me and doesnt like hurting me. He gave me this huge hug. I asked him if anything was wrong and he said he misses us (me and the baby). He looked really upset too. We talked a few min and he told me not to give up on him.

He is trying to come to terms with what I have done and needs time to think. I havent brought up the OW or recovery and im not going to, but if he comes back I am going to ask him all the questions I got about the OM. After finding the texts I think I deserve an honest answer and if he doesnt come clean I can contact her about it. I want it to come from him though.

Im not sure if everything that is happening is the correct way of doing things, but I am trying to stick to PA. It is hard and I am slipping, but I am trying. My MIL and one of my SIL both are telling me not to take anything from him. To let him know he cant be a "cake eater". My nature is to apologize and take the blame so the other person doesnt hurt, but he needs to know I am hurting too. I am not as quick to let him off the hook on things now. Normally giving him space isnt in my nature, I like to find out what is wrong and fix the problem then and there so its not an issue anymore. Im letting him deal with his own problems now and he is realizing I am trying.

I dont know what will come out of all this, but I am happy that H isnt pushing me away. He seems to be coming back to me slowly. I can be patient.

Geez, that's a joke. Right now HE cannot be trusted.


Don't do that. You have a right to know the truth. He's angry now because you know and are trying to interfere. Notice that he DIDN'T move out because he IS a cake eater.


He's working it.

This guilt you feel over your A will enable him to carry on his own. He knows that. He will play that card to his grave. Even IF this A ends he will never own it. He will blame you. I doubt you will be able to get ANY answers to your questions because he will just throw your A in your face and you will back down.

It's a terrible dynamic. I think you are going to have to let him go to get him back. And you are no where close to being ready for Plan B.

The cycle will go on for a long time. I hope you can maintain some sort of sane life when the baby arrives.

Get your plan A working on all cylinders. Stop the LBs.

Its been a while since I posted and things are moving slowly. H had told me he wanted me to continue to contact him when I get off work and before I go to bed. I have started doing this again and sometimes he responds, sometimes he doesnt. I dont push any issues with him and I dont talk about our M nor do I say I love you (unless he says it first).

H and I had a bad discussion a few days ago b/c he found out I had gone through his wallet. I was looking for a receipt for some flowers he sent to OW. I didnt find it and didnt think he would know but he did. He said he was going to completely move out after that since I really couldnt be trusted. That was 4 days ago and he still hasnt moved out. Im looking at that as a promising thing.

I havent been pushing issues with him, only talking about everyday things and not getting upset about things he isnt doing. We had an hour long texting discussion about nothing and it was like old times. He still sounds like im forcing him to talk to me when i call him, but im not letting that get to me.

Today he packed for his trip to Tx. When I got home he told me he got me something. He had bought a little outfit that said something about mommy on it for our little one coming in a few weeks. I was touched since he thought about it, I had been upset b/c most of the things we recieved as gifts said daddy things on it.

My dr. had asked me about dates for the birth. She wants to induce me. Since H is dying for a St. Patricks baby i though that would be a great thing for him to have. I told him that the dr. decided on that date not me. I thought this might be like a "sign" for him. He is very excited about it.

I am still trying to do my best not to talk R, M or anything that might get him upset. I have found out some info from him about why he is doing all this. He is scared of turning 30 and of the baby coming. I know this isnt an excuse, but it does explain the odd behavior all of a sudden. He is also scared of becoming like his dad and being a cynical SOB. Now his dad isnt like that anymore and hasnt been for a few years. In talking with MIL, FIL really wasnt like that at 30 either. It wasnt until H got into high school that FIL turned into a pessimist.

I am trying to be as supportive of H as I can be with out going overboard. He has been working out and I comment on his progress every chance I get. I tell him how nice he looks in his clothes now and that im impressed with his progress. He says he is going to help me get back in shape after the baby, and I am hoping this can be some quality time for us together. ATM we dont spend any time together at all.

My anti-d's are helping me to not be so emotional around him. I think he appreciates that, I know its a lot easier on me to be less emotional and more supportive or happy. Unfortunatley my dr cut my hours at work to 20 a week because of severe swelling in my legs. At forst when I told H about that he sounded kinda indifferent. When he saw my legs tonight when I got home, he was very upset and wants me to make sure nothing happens to the baby. He doesnt like the dr too much. He did tell me that b/c my legs were so bad he would help me around the house to get it ready. Earlier today he made a comment about me having more time now to get the house ready and no mention of him helping.

I see progress, but it is very slow and its not all forward movement. I have good days and bad days, but I am trying to stay positive and move forward. I hope this all made sense to anyone reading...I kind of rattled on a bit tonight.

Wow, imagine if all new young parents did this because they were turning 30 and having a baby? Is this supposed to prepare him for it all?

PSC, I've read many posters write similar type scenarios concerning their WS's A. They tell us about the day to day encounters and how they think things are going. They tell us about the arguments and the "good times". They crawl through their lives for months hanging on and reacting to their WS' cake eating. They interpret EVERY perceived change as a change in the overall picture and how they think it's getting better because they can be civil to one another...

Of course things will be civil as long as you go along with the program. And nothing will change. You need to start thinking about a plan. What will you do when the baby comes and life remains EXACTLY as it is? How about 6 months from now? How about 2 years?

We've seen it.

Again I'll say

I don't want to sound harsh, I just want you to realize that unless you start to act instead of react you will suffer longer because it will just draaaaaag on. This suits him.

Please consider, seriously, the need for a future Plan B. Unless he comes to his senses when the baby arrives, you are going to need it.

((((((PSC))))))

Right now I feel a calm coming over me. I realize what he is doing and it hurts ALOT, but unfortunately I did this to him also. Not saying that makes this all better or ok. I just am coming to terms with the fact that I cant change him, just me. I am trying to be a better person and make it through these last few weeks til our baby comes and prepare myself for having a new baby. Honestly im terrified, but happy. I think he wants me to be happier when the baby comes so its less he has to deal with. That makes me sad b/c its his baby too. On the other hand I need to be happy so I can be a good parent. She is going to be a BIG part of my life now. I am excited about seeing her for the first time and seeing how she will be growing up.

Plan B scares me, but I know it probably will come to pass for us. I wish it wouldnt. I wish that as soon as our baby is born he will wake up and realize he is being an a**. I have been told by a few people he probably will. His mom thinks he isnt going to be able to walk away from her once he sees her and holds her for the first time. I just dont know what will happen. I try not to think about that and just live day to day. Now that im on limited hours at work I am going to try to get more things done around the house. I know one day he will regret not being here and doing the things he should have, thats the way he is. Right now he isnt himself, but that wont last.

I do feel better about myself and dont cry as much. It feels nice to be sane again somewhat. Im not trying to feed into his problems, and not instigating anything. After all this I hope to say I am a better person.

I know you did this to him too. And it can't be erased. I just don't think you can let that determine what you do right now.

You are going to have to make your life, right now, as peaceful as possible because having a newborn in the house, especially the first newborn, is a rollercoaster of its own. Yes it's wonderful, but also exhausting, mentally challenging, physically challenging and totally different than what you know. There's no real way to describe what's heading your way. Add to that ANY preexisting emotional troubles and it multiplies the stress 50 fold.

Just plan ahead a bit. Make sure you have the help you need. Don't expect ANYTHING from your WH. He may or may not be around to help.


Someday you will be able to say that as long as you keep working on you.

MicheleG, thank you for the support and advice. I am trying to be more independent and less reliant on H. It is hard though when I see him not that interested in the new baby and I just want to scream at him that he did this too. I dont though, I hold my tongue and keep on going. I am doing more for myself lately and it feels good. I am going to get the house ready without him and see what I can accomplish If he decides to help, great!....if not then I know I can do it. In the end I will be happy with what I have done.

psc_77,
I'm glad to see you posting here again. You have a lot on your plate, especially with being pregnant.

I'll reiterate what others have already told you. What your H is doing is WRONG. The fact that you had an A yourself makes things more difficult and more complicated, but it does not in any way lessen how wrong his behavior is.

It's hard to balance Plan A. You're trying to be the best wife you can be - meet ENs, avoid LBs... but at the same time you can't let yourself turn into a doormat. Re-read the carrot and the stick of Plan A. Read it over and over.

That stuff he says about not being able to trust you because you snooped - that's classic wayward talk. If you think about it, it's a huge joke. HE can't trust YOU? He's the one cheating. You're the one trying to understand the reality of your life. Just don't let his words get to you and certainly don't believe them.

Focus on yourself for now. Get plenty of rest, eat well, exercise if you can. When you interact with WH, admire him to the max. Laugh and be upbeat. Talk about fun and interesting things you've done. Be flirty. But don't expect anything in return. Not yet.

TH you have hit the nail on the head. I know he is hiding things from me and lying to me. At the same time I am trying to be the happy person, not let his BS get to me--especially not show him it gets to me. Lately we have had a few talks that have gone really well, no M or R talking and just light conversation. It is nice to see him not be so stand-offish with me.

He is out of town atm and since im out of work more, I am going to try to show him that I can do things with out him and see how he reacts. I dont expect anything from him, but I do like to see his reactions. Sometimes I dont see them first hand, his mom tells me what he says to her so I do get some knowledge of what he is thinking.

It feels good to have a plan in place and be happy about it.

Oh and the admiration thing....he has been working out a lot and losing weight. I have told him everytime I see him how good he looks. He has gone out and bought new clothes and is so excited about feeling better. I tell him I can see how much he has done and it is impressive. He really does look much healthier and happier. Maybe the endorphins will improve his mood too and get him out of this self deprivating (hope I spelled that right)attitude he has been in.

H just got back from his trip out of town yesterday. We hadnt really spoken while he was out and he wanted to come talk today. He came out and said he cant do this anymore. He doesnt want to string me along and doesnt think he can get over my A. He says he doestn trust me and doesnt think I trust him right now. He has no desire to work on us still and doesnt think it would help anyways. He is very adamant about his feelings and wants to move out completely. He is uncomfortable in the house with me.

I told him that I would never do this again and he knows I have shown him I have changed. He even said I have done everything right since he found out. I told him that I feel like the scum of the earth about what I did and that I could never do that to him again. I know how bad I hurt him and it kills me. I said that when someone knows they made a mistake and really truly feels remorseful about it, they will do whatever it takes not to do that same thing again. My A was my mistake that I made and it will never happen again. His response was..."what if taking you back was my mistake?"

I feel so horrible right now and hopeless. I know it is his right to leave me and I can do nothing about it, but it still hurts. It hasnt been a year since D-day and he is giving up. I have tried hard to show him this is a loving home and I can be trusted, but im not perfect and have made some mistakes in the past month and a half. I pushed him to try to work on us and he didnt want to. I know I cant force him to do anything. I just want us to be happy.

I am trying to save up some money to talk to Dr. Harley but it takes time. We are really tight on money atm. I just feel very hopeless right now. I had thought I was doing good, not crying around him, giving him compliments, no LBs, trying to meet his needs. Can things turn around or should I take what he says and try to move on? I really dont feel like I could ever stop loving him. I had a feeling this was the path things were headed towards, but I kept praying it wouldnt.

Everyone I have talked to thinks he will "wake up" when the baby is born and realize he wants to be a family with me. I just see him being very stubborn. He said he will be here for the baby, but its for her not me. We have a year after she is born until we can get a divorce and I hope things change. I just see him not wanting things to change and I know he has a right to feel that way.

Hang in there and don't give up. You are doing well, and things should improve, but it takes lots of time.

You need to read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. You need to tell this man he is having an emotional affair. When he is married it is for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS. Granted you didn't but like you said he took you back and you are working toward making things better. He is letting HER fill his love tank and she will become more then a friend eventually if she already hasn't (believe me been there done that). You need to tell him that marriage is binding and that he needs to put you and your marriage first and let this other woman go. Tell him he is wrong and you will not stand for it. Sometimes harsh is what they need to hear. I had to yell and scream at my hubby to get him to listen to me.

Expose the A. Pretty sure this isn't just an EA.

Get your ducks in a row.

You can sit there and plan A til the cows come home, but if he wants to go you cannot stop him. In reality he has a right to leave because of your A. HOWEVER... he committed to the M after your A and then you both planned a baby. To me, once he got you pregnant, his right to just walk away was gone. Heck, a year after my FWH's A we were barely talking about it. Your A is just his excuse NOW as it will be forever. He will never own HIS A.

I still say plan A til the baby arrives and he has a chance to bond with him/her. See if anything changes. If not, go to plan B and find peace for you and your baby.


((((((PSC)))))))

The day after H told me things were done I had a good talk with him through texting. Normally he doesnt reply much to me, but I wasnt offering much info so he started asking questions about my Dr. apt. It was odd to me b/c thats just not what he does. It was nice though b/c he was interested.

A little bit later he started texting me again about my sister. I had told her everything that was going on so when she came down for the birth she wouldnt be surprised. H wanted to know what all I told her and when she was coming. I told him I had let her know everything and that she had offered me a place to go live--no strings attached--if I needed a place. Ironically enough she lives about 2 hrs from where he is thinking of going in TX.

I think he got scared of me leaving right away and asked if I was, but I had told him originally that I would stay for a year so he could spend that first year with his child. I again told him this and he thanked me (first time I have gotten that).

He took something I wrote him wrong and started getting angry with me about trying to screw him in court with a D and how it wont make things easier. That was not what I was trying to get across and I told him.

I also told him that I was trying to stay friends with him and not cause arguements and how he is pushing me away and acting really stand-offish with me. He said he didnt know how to act and that things are complicated. I told him I wanted to be friends and that I need someone right now b/c I am pregnant, especially him. I was honest with him about being scared of having a child since I havent had one before and dont know what to expect other than what I am told. He said he would try harder to not be so upset at me and that he was sorry things are so f***** up.

I let him know that there are people who love him and want to see him be his old self again, but he has to let us back in. After that I dropped the issue. I didnt hear from him again until today, but he again started chit-chatting with me. I see this all as a positive thing. He is slowly coming around and being less irritated.

Since we are in lent right now I thought I would cook some fish for him on friday and see if he would even want to come by to eat. I invited him over for friday today and he said he probably would stop by. Im not expecting anything, but before I dont think he would have even attempted to come by.

I dont expect miracles right away, but this is a BIG change from the old H everyone has seen these past few months. One step at a time is my motto.

I feel alot better now and I have taken a step back and looked at myself to start making me better. I do feel much better about how I am acting.

I just have to ask you something and I hope you won't get offended. Does your husband accept that this is his baby? I was looking at your dates, and D-day was close to the date you got pregnant. And after several years of no baby while married, he might be wondering.

Believer, im not offended at all. I know how things look and H has thought it wasnt his child. I know for a fact that it is his. The last time I physically saw OM was in October of 07. Most of the A was over the internet.

H and I had taken a vacation to Las Vegas to get away and spend time with each other. It was a nice fun trip that was supposed to bring us closer...and now we have a child on the way.

Glad to hear that. Maybe you can offer to have a paternity test. YOU know that it is his, but people that have been betrayed have very little trust.

I will offer that to him. I do think he knows deep down it is his child, but the reassurance cant hurt.

The thing is, a BS loses lots of trust for a WS, and even when the WS is telling the truth, may not believe them.

You can get a do it yourself paternity test for around $225. It is not admisable in court, but only for your own knowledge. It is just as accurate as a high priced one.

My sons and OC got one done, and it cost $1200., but it was because it was done between siblings, and their father was dead and no mothers around to take it.

I think your willingness to do one would go a long way in clearing the air.

When is baby due?

My original due date was 3/20 but my dr is having me come in on the 17 to be induced. H wanted a St. Patty's Day baby so it is something very exciting for him.

Oh, why is the baby being induced?

Not sure, my dr said thats what she wants to do. Ive had no complications except lots of swelling in my legs--im cut back to 20 hrs at work now. I feel fine otherwise.

Oh, stay off your feet as much as possible. And when you are sitting, put your legs up.

Have you been thinking about whether you want hubby at the delivery? We've had lots of discussion about that here.

My dr actually asked me if I wanted him kept out of the room. I was so shocked at the question b/c it has never been a thought for me. I do want him in the room. As much as he has hurt me lately, this is his child and I want to do everything to give him an opportunity to see how much he will be missing out on by walking away.

The day the dr asked me that I had gone by my MILs house and saw H still there. He had told me he couldnt come to the appointment b/c he had work related things to do. When I saw him at her house I was furious. I went in and talked to him and told him what the dr had asked me. He was so hurt and upset and angry with me. I realize now I shouldnt have done that, but I wasnt thinking at the time. I have reassured him that I do want him with me.

The past few days have been great with him. He actually smiled at me today (hasnt done that in about 2 weeks). I think he is finally getting excited about the birth. I am feeling more relaxed around him too b/c of his change in attitude. Its nice to see some of the old H come back.

I think he is going to be a great father, but is having a mid-life crisis atm. That is no excuse for what is going on. But if that is the case, once he sees that things arent going to blow up he might come back to reality. Hopefully this isnt wishful thinking on my part. I actually have quite a few people thinking this as well.

Well, I am glad things are going better and I will pray that things continue to do so and that the birth of your child goes easy for you. First times can be hard.

Hey as it was pointed out your BH is not sure he is the dad. His not anting to go to the doctor shows this.

Then their could of been a lot of worse places for you to of found him at that tme then at his mom's.

I realize I was wrong for getting upset at him. I did apologize to him later for it. And yes finding him at his moms wasnt a bad thing.

So this may sound like I was trying to start something, but it honestly wasnt.

H's myspace has been a concern of mine for a while, but when I ask him about it he just says it means nothing. I have tried to ignore it, but it is very hard. I check it on a daily basis to see what "she" posts. Most things seem innocent enough.

The other day I thought I had had a breakthrough with H. He has since been not quite as much of a sour-puss around me as he has been. In fact the other day I commented about his weight loss and how good he looks. He must have liked what I said b/c he smiled at me and kinda joked. First time in about 2 weeks for him to smile at me. He hugged me and kissed me twice before he left for work--again something that hasnt happened in a while. So I thought things were becoming easier for him to be around me.

Back to myspace. I left him a comment today that was purely innocent. It was about his job and weight loss. I checked back later on to see if he had logged on to see it and the comment was gone. I got upset and called MIL. She is very upset too about his actions. She told me to re-do it and tell him that it didnt show up so I reposted it. I did this and told him about it and he seemed ok. Said he had noticed I posted something easrlier but he couldnt see it.

I just checked his site again and the comment is gone...again. I dont know what to think about it. I have a feeling he is not telling "her" the whole story about us and is painting me as either a b**** or that im out of the picture all together.

He said he was going to come over tomorrow to help me clean the house and get it ready for the baby. He also said maybe we could watch a movie together. I am trying hard to not let my anger and hurting get the best of me. I want to ask him about the comment, but I dont want him to think I am trying to start anything. I am treading lightly when it comes to anything that he might take as a confrontation.

With just over a week left til the baby comes I need some help here at the house. I feel like telling him to stay away, but I know I need him to help me. I dont want to ruin a good day with him by asking about the comment but at the same time it will eat away at me. I hate feeling like this.

PSC

What difference does it make WHY he deleted your comment? He did it becuase it either bothered him or he thought it would bother her. Doesn't matter, it's just more drama and heartache for you to think about. Try to concentrate on what you need and see if you can get that. Detach yourself from the other stuff. It's there but you've got to keep it together for the baby's sake.

Remember this is an A. Your WH is going to do stupid, hurtful things...it's par for the course. You can't control him. So don't LB.

I have done some thinking and im not going to mention it. I know its going to cause problems and I want things to be as non-problematic as possible.

H did say he would come by today and help me clean up and maybe watch a movie with me. Im going to think more towards this than the stupid things he is doing.

I am trying to not show him how hurt things make me feel. It is very hard sometimes, but I am doing my best. I havent LB'd him lately and his attitude is changing when he is around me. Its a start.

MicheleG, thanks for the honest comment. I was very upset when I posted and your honesty makes me realize I need to quit.

I agree. Put all of this on the back burner, get the house cleaned up and prepare for your little one. You really need to just concentrate on YOU.

I know this is stressful for you. So time to do some self-care. Stay in Plan A for a bit, and stay off his myspace. All that is doing is upsetting you. Just assume that he IS having an affair, and get through the next 2 weeks.

Take advantage of the fact that he is coming over to help you with the house. Think of his emotional needs and work on meeting any of them that you think he will let you meet. I hope that you are able to relax and enjoy giving him whatever you can related to his emotional needs. What would make you feel good about meeting his emotional needs? If you can think about that ahead of time, maybe it can stay positive for both of you.

The two of you are having a baby together. Take this opportunity to stay positive about him, your baby and you.

Do stay off your feet as much as you can to keep that swelling down. Drink lots of water too!

LoL Lake, im drinking so much water I feel like im going to float away. My dr. isnt concerned about preclampsia thank goodness, but it is still a concern.

As far as today goes, im going to have something ready to cook for him when he gets here. He also said something about maybe watching a movie together. We definately need to get the house in order for the baby.

I dont remember if I mentioned this in a previous post, but H said something a week ago that kinda sums up his feelings. He said he doesnt think that between keeping the house clean and taking care of the baby that I will have any time left over for him. He thinks I am going to be so preoccupied that he will be an afterthought. I know I will have alot more things to do, but I cant imagine just ignoring him completely and letting him be an afterthought.

Is this a normal thought for guys to feel? I know I am going to do everything I can to spend time with him, if he is willing. I think he will be amazed at what I am going to be capable of doing. Having a child is putting a different perspective on priorities for me. I am going to be doing less for me and more for the baby and H. I will admit that im not the best housekeeper. And thinking now, he never pushed for me to be but that might be one of his ENs. I am opening my eyes to more things about him than I have before and trying to show him he is one of the most important people in my life.

Homemaking is an EN of many men, whether they say so or not. How big is your house?

What I do is called a minimum maintenance program. I spend 5 minutes in each room of my home, everyday, cleaning. I have 9 rooms in my home, so it takes me 45 minutes everyday. But you would be surprised how easy it is to keep everything up if you do it every day.

Cooking is another thing to do. If you don't like to cook, get a crock pot.

Your home needs to be warm and welcoming - get rid of clutter, organize and keep it picked up.

You probably WILL have less time after baby arrives, because you will be up several times a night for several months. But that goes fast.

Men's top EN's are usually sex, admiration, recreational companionship. Study up on the EN's and see if you can figure his out.

I know his top ENs are SF, Admiration and O&H. RC isnt something he pushes. He does alot of things with his friends that he says I wouldnt enjoy doing. I do enjoy being with him though and always tell him that I would like to go with. Unfortunately it seems like since ive become pregnant the things he likes to do arent pregnant friendly activities. As I am seeing now, the housekeeping is his 5th main EN.

I am opening myself to more ideas about him and what he wants, and ive been good about not bringing up "us". He stated he wanted to be friends with me for the baby so that is my first goal--make the house as friendly as possible so he wont feel like he doesnt belong.

As for my house, its only 1k sq ft. Very small, but average for our neighborhood. The bad thing is that neither of us are neat freaks. My house isnt dirty but its cluttered. That is what we are trying to get rid of before the baby comes. I have already made a start and he seemed to be happy about that. I am going to keep on going as long as my legs let me.

Good job! I wouldn't kill myself cleaning, but just step it up a bit. The best thing is to get rid of clutter. I've been working on that, and it feels so much better to have everything looking spiffy.

I dont know how to take this, but H was supposed to come over yesterday to help pick up. He got tied up in other things and never came by.

So today he had said he was going to come pick up. Well H got here about 5pm and stayed for an hour and a half. I had some food ready for him, said he couldnt eat it all but he did

We talked a bit--just chatting--and it was nice b/c there was no odd feelings. The only thing that kinda bothered me was that he kept looking at the clock for the last half hour.

When he left he hugged me and kissed me. It felt like the old H again. The only thing that is odd is that he refers to selling the house and all b/c of the divorce he says he wants.

I still dont think he is 100% ready for it, but im still upset about the possibility. He had made a reference to a house that someone is selling and said that if we were in the market for one it would be a great buy. I dont know if im hoping for a slip-up that he doesnt want to leave or if I really heard it. Other things he says contradicts and indicates he does want to leave.

I am being good and not mentioning anything about us. Im also glad he isnt so uptight around me anymore.

He did say he was impressed with the work I had been doing around the house too

He was looking at the clock because that is what they do. They need to get back to their affair partner. My ex ALWAYS did that, or he would show up at my home when I had to leave to work in 5 minutes.

So did he HELP you at all?

He didnt do anything while he was here. I almost am thankful he didnt b/c then he doesnt have a room to stay in other than with me and he isnt ready for that. Its like he is taking a long time to move out and pick up.

H finally came and took the bed apart in the soon-to-be babys room. I had a slight breakdown after he left b/c its one more step from him staying here.

On a good note, he has called me a few times this weekend to check up on me. Just calling to see how I was doing. Today he called me at work to make sure I was taking breaks and sitting in the back room resting whenever I could. Unfortunately I had to work a full day today instead of the half day im supposed to be working.

I know I shouldnt expect anything from him, but I get upset easily. I have been working to get the house de-cluttered and its going well, not much help from H, but im managing.

I know its a normal feeling but today I had an overwhelming desire to just give up. I felt like H was just going through the motions to seem helpful b/c its what he is expected to do. I want to have a fulfilling M with him and im not giving up. I havent cried in a long time and today I couldnt help myself. I feel better now though, I think I needed to release some emotions. Tomorrow is a new day and things will get better.

Yes, things will get better. Put hubby on the back burner, and take care of YOU and baby. Soon he will be here, and you will be very tired. So rest up now.

Your response to the question should be, "WTF do you care? You're out humping that sl*t instead of being a man and taking care of your wife and child. Stick your false sense of caring up your a$$!"

I've been reading up on your thread and your situation is sad and makes me sick as a man. It is NOT normal as a man to want to bail because your wife is pregnant. Your H is abusing you emotionally and manipulating you and it's because you're letting him.

Honestly, I feel you will get much further with him if you make him see that he chooses to either be your husband and step up, grow up, and quit being an idiot or you will file for abandonment, sole custody, and ring him for every ounce of child support and spousal support you can get.

What you said above bothers me because you don't see it for what it is: manipulation.

He throws you a scrap of affection to keep you on the hook and you somehow see this as a good sign.

It's not. It's sick manipulation.

It's time for you to stop the "nice" game and get ticked!

Have you exposed this affair to OW's family? Have you called her parents about this?

Quit communicating with him and let him know that you're done with this sick game he's playing. He can't father a child and then just take off to act like a carefree idiot and that being a man means stepping up and taking care of your wife and your child.

Seriously, PSC, please stop accepting his scraps, grow a backbone, and lay down the gauntlet.

Let him know you're done with the cake eating and idiotic behavior and that he has a choice. He dumps the bimbo or he gets served with divorce papers and that you will do everything in your power to crucify him in court and make sure that he gets as little time with his child as possible.

Quit seeing positives in these scraps he throws your way. It's a guilty conscience on his part and it's nothing but patronizing you.

Men like him make me sick.

Baron, you realize that PSC had her own A first? This is a convoluted mess and she really should not make any ultimatums. I doubt that they would help her to R her M which she has stated she wants to do.

PSC, you are going to have to put your boundaries in place at some point and Plan B your WH, but as I have stated before I think you should wait til after the baby is born and your WH has spent some quality time with him/her. Up until that time you should be in plan A and eliminating the LBs.

The baby is going to bring all of its own stresses and you will have your hands full. Your emotions will be up and down as well due to the lack of sleep and the constant needs of the baby. Just be prepared. Dealing with the baby and your WH's A may just sink the boat. You're not going to be able to deal with both of them for very long. Please, please be watchful of your breaking point. Know when you are getting close and prepare for it. Your baby is going to have to be your priority. You'll have to go to plan B.

Baron, I appreciate your response and wish I could follow it. I have thought about it many times, but I know that if I did H would feel his feelings were justified and that this past year was a sham. He feels that I just came back b/c it was "comfortable" and that I really dont love him like I say I do. On the other hand he tells me that I have done everything right for the past year and this is him not me. I came back b/c I realized I DO want to be with him and I was being stupid and an idiot.

I do think that every time he calls its b/c he feels guilty of what he is doing. The reason I look at these as positive moments is b/c they keep coming and im trying to Plan A him. I dont call him, he calls me. I dont text him, he texts me. Every time he calls or texts I stay as happy/positive as I can. I dont bring up anything about us anymore and I stopped LBing him. Now when he comes to the house he sees that I have been doing things, ie. cleaning up, cooking, resting. He has made comments about it and I go with it.

MicheleG, I am doing my best to Plan A him. The calls, texts, and him stopping by more seem to show he is seeing me not pushing R and just being me again. It is hard, but I have a week from today til the baby gets here. I know that for at least a week after the baby is born I will have my mom and sister here to help me. After that I will be on my own. I hope H decides to come around and bond with the baby, but im not expecting it. He says he is going to do everything he can for her and he doesnt want me to shut him out of her life. It is his child so as long as he comes around I am willing to work with him. As soon as he stops then I know I need to protect us legally.

I have a friend from high school who is a lawyer and I am calling her today and asking some questions about the laws here in this state. I want to be as knowledgable as I can be about what my rights are and what I can do incase H doesnt live up to what he is telling me.

On a side note, H's father is coming home in about a week and is so p***** off at his actions. He wants to have a talk to H about what he is doing to me. I dont know if this will get anywhere, but its nice to have people on my side. My FIL knows about my A and doesnt approve, but still doesnt think H should be treating me like he is. When H told him 2 months ago that he and I were separating, his dad told him NOT to hurt me. Seems that went in one ear and out the other.

Make sure FIL knows about OW.

You see, from my standpoint everything changes when there is a child in the picture.

Kids didn't ask for this mess. If he wanted nothing to do with you after your affair, then fine. He should have left you and moved on. But he didn't and now he fathered a child with you.

Time to be a man and step up.

Those who stray need to attempt to work things out for their children. You don't stay because of the kids. You work on improving your marriage for the kids. They didn't ask for mom and dad to have their heads up their butts.

So your WH has to step up.

And if he doesn't then you need to play hardball, file for abandonment and adultery, and milk every last penny from him that you can with minimal time with DD for being a cheating idiot.

I have zero tolerance for cheaters when kids are involved. They either recommit to the marriage or should be ostracized from their children's lives for what they've done to the family.

How are you going to feel when you WH takes your baby around OW?

You might tolerate his garbage right now, but you'll be Mama Bear protecting her cub when that baby is born and I'd come down on him with a million hammers to make sure your baby is never around that woman.

I have thought about H bringing DD around OW. Thankfully she lives in another state so there will be no chance of her coming around. If H moves closer to her I will have a plan in place where OW is not allowed to be around my child--I will do everything I can to prevent this. I dont think H will be taking DD with him out of state while she is still so young, and I dont think I want him to.

FIL does know about OW and has some choice words about her. No offense to anyone here, but her ethnicity has come into play with reguards to these words. H never had kind words to say about people of her background either, but now all of a sudden they are wonderful people. Im not a prejudiced person, but I do have some choice words for 1 in particular.

The reason H has decided (at least this is what he is telling me, yea right) to split up right now is b/c he feels that if we separate/divorce before the baby realizes what is going on then it will be easier on her in the future. He says that if we keep on going and in 5 yrs we decided that this isnt right then she will be hurt more. I dont nessessarily agree. I think that knowing her parents couldnt stay together and split up while she wasnt even born is just as hurtful as spliting up when she knows what is going on. And besides, H wanted to have a child with me and now he cant be married to me. That doesnt make sense.

As I have stated before here, we all hope this is just a mid-life crisis type of thing going on with H and he is going to snap out of it when the baby is born. I dont think it will happen, but right now he is so confused anything is possible. I can see he is purposefully acting like he is b/c he thinks it makes the situation easier. He doesnt want to own up to the fact that he still has feelings for me and is trying hard to show he doesnt. I know him better than he thinks I do. I just hope he doesnt push our DD out like is he doing to me. He wont be happy about the situation if he does.

This is such a foggy statement.

Your child will feel the pain either way. It's a cop out, but it's exactly what waywards say to ease their conscience. They try to justify their screwd up actions.

I think a call to your lawyer is a good thing. At least get an idea of what you will need to do if WH continues on this path. YOU'RE going to have to protect you and your new family member because WH won't. Right now he is only looking after himself.

I have an apt to talk to my lawyer friend tomorrow afternoon.

I wish this whole situation would just go away. I know I hurt him bad, but I had thought we were moving in the right direction to heal. This whole thing now is just more messed up than before.

For some reason I missed the appointment with the lawyer today. I think our paths crossed and we just missed each other. I am going to try her again tomorrow and hope that I can get in touch.

On a good note, I went and got my hair done today. Something I havent done since I got pregnant. I feel like a new person and H noticed. He said I looked very pretty and he liked my hair. I didnt get it done for him, but for me. Its nice though that he noticed.

Small things for me, but big steps for my self-esteem.

Glad you got your hair done, every little thing helps your self-esteem. Hope you can hook-up with your attorney tomorrow.

I missed talking to the lawyer again today. I spoke to her receptionist early this morning and found out she was supposed to call me from her cell. Since we knew each other from high school and the fact I live 250 miles away, I dont think she is looking at me like a potential client. Im ok with that since I really just want some answers. I will continue to keep trying to get in touch with her though.

H and I had another talk this morning. He instigated this one. He started talking about his feelings and what he wants to feel and let me know deep down he does want to be with me. This is very different from the "its over" talk we had on the 1st. I have been being a good girl and Plan A'ing him. He did tell me its been a few weeks since he saw any negative behaviors from me. I am feeling good about myself lately.

He came by the house this afternoon and mentioned something about going to eat. I had just finished eating so I wasnt hungry and said that if he waited a few hours I would be willing to go with him. He ended up making a joke about not wanting to go eat with him or spend time with him (not trying to make me feel bad, this is the kind of joking he used to do and it never bothered me). I ended up going and eating--I really was hungry again...thank you baby, lol.

I know I shouldnt look too much into this but its nice to see some of the "old" H re-emerge. I have been telling MIL that its there but she hasnt seen it. The other night he sat up with us both and watched some tv. The old H was sitting there with us and she was amazed.

I am continuing with what I am doing. I feel better about me and I am getting ready for the baby to be here. Im still scared, but its getting exciting. I have just a few more days. What is nice is that I have alot of friends calling me asking me if they can come visit. Everyone elses excited mood is helping me to get more excited and think less about the other stuff.

PSC,

You're doing good. You will see flashes of your old H on occasion and it will bring you hope. That's not a bad thing. Just protect yourself a little bit and don't let HIS behaviors dictate your feelings or behaviors. KWIM? Your WH is still in there and it wouldn't take much to bring him out. You just keep on track.

Keep doing things that make you feel good about yourself. And keep up the good plan A. This is your time to show him how life can be if he should make his way back. Make it good, show your changes and be sincere.

What is it 5 days and counting? That IS exciting.

Good job PSC.

Yea, 5 days....so close yet still so far away. I still cant believe it is so close to the date.

I really feel for you. I have been reading up on your situation and am a little on the fence...

I think you should wait til after the baby is born, maybe a month or two, but then you should just lay it all out to him. Tell him that you do love him and that you know your A has made things very difficult for him, but what he is doing is not right and is NOT justified by what you did. Two wrongs do not make a right and you will not sit back and let him walk on you forever.

Tell him you love him very much and will go to counseling and talk with him and anything else he needs from you to reassure him that you love him and want to work this out, but you will not stand for him seeing this other woman.

Like I said, wait til the baby is born and you have had a while to adjust. You don't want all that stress at once, but at some point you have to do what is right for you and the baby. I too feel like he is stringing you along.

Have you thought about contacting this woman via Myspace and talking to her in a non-threatening way and explaining to her as nicely as possible (at first) that he is your husband and you two are having a baby? I wonder if he has told her any of this.

Right now I am worried about what is going on between them and yes I have thought about contacting her through myspace. I am not going to take any action until after we have the baby though b/c it is so close and I have to think about what I need to do to get my house ready for when we bring her home. After things settle down I am planning on contacting her.

If she has any brain in her head she knows we are having a baby. Alot of other people post about getting ready for the baby and its coming soon on his myspace. We had a baby shower early Feb and she knew about it too. Right now I think it doesnt matter to her b/c H has been snowing her over about what is going on too. This coming from a friend of his who knows her as well.

I hate what is going on right now, but I am doing the best I can. H has been more responsive to me and quit talking about D. Now he says you never know what will happen and that he still loves me. After the baby comes we will see what happens. Until then I am doing what I can for me and our baby.

H came by last night and asked if he could stay the night. He sounded humble about it and I said yes. I was shocked. We got to talking and he said he wants to stay with me this whole week b/c of the baby. I was shocked again. We had a really good talk last night.

As we were laying there I started crying a few times and he said not to hold it in, but to let it out and cry. I couldnt though. I have cried so much in front of him I dont want to anymore. He also held my hand and had his arm against my belly, feeling every move the baby was making. It was such a special moment. It was like the old H was back.

This morning though he was replaced by the new H. He looked upset that he had to endure what he did last night. I know he isnt going to change over night and I dont expect him to. I guess I was hoping he wouldnt look so put out.

I go into the hospital tomorrow night to get ready for the baby on Tuesday. H said he would stay with me while I am in the hospital.

My problem is that he still calls her and I dont want him to have that while he is with me. I am going to tell him that while he is with me he does not need to answer any texts or phone calls from her. If he cant talk to whomever is on the phone in front of me then he doesnt need to answer the call.

I am nervous about how to start the conversation though. He gets very defensive and tends to get angry. He knows I dont care for her. I want him to understand that this is going to be OUR time and she has no part in it. My feelings are that if he does walk out of the room to talk to her, he better keep on walking.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to approach this? I get very nervous talking about her with him b/c of his reactions. I know how I am and I want to be strong but its hard sometimes. I want him to understand that this is not an option.

I just want to caution you about an experience I have heard about and sadly can't remember if it was with someone I went out with one time or if it was a story I read here.

I know of a WH who called OW constantly during the birth of his child to reassure the OW that it wasn't over between them.

Expect heartache like this and be happy if it doesn't happen, but it could very well happen.

So sorry you are going through this. Having the baby is all about you and your daughter. He has no right to be there since he is still wayward.

If you want him there, then that is fine.

On MB we have seen numerous women go through the same thing. Believe it or not, we have seen the OW waiting out in the parking lot, the husband talking on the phone to the OW during labor, the OW coming into the hospital to view the baby, and on and on.

Personally I would put up boundaries that if he wants to be present, the OW is COMPLETELY out of the picture.

Thankfully she lives in another state so there is no way of her showing up. I do feel it needs to be addressed though.

I would just come out and tell him. Look I don't want to make you angry, but I don't want her in any part of MY child's delivery. This is not about you, this is not about me, this is about OUR child and SHE has no part in it. Don't [censored] foot around. Just be firm and hold to that. I know you want him there but if he is going to disrespect this special time, then he needs to, as you said, "keep walking."

She was scheduled to have the baby the 17th.

Hope all is well with Mom and baby.

Yes, I've been thinking of her and our new MB baby. Hope everything is fine. I imagine she is busy recovering and getting to know her little one.

yup I suspect she's got her hands full!!!

This is just a quick update for everyone. I had the baby on the 17th. I ended up having to have an emergency c-section and things didnt go too well afterwards. My BP dropped extremely low and I kept trying to pass out and ended up passing a huge blood clot.

I am better now thankfully but recovery is a bit tough. My mom and sis were here for the week to help me out but both had to leave already.

H didnt come by that often after we came home from the hospital. Said he wanted to give me and my family some time together. He stayed with me every night at the hospital and helped me out alot while he was there. I can see he loves his daughter very much, but he is still so distant with me.

I ended up chickening out about talking to him. I wanted to see what he would do and he wasnt too bad, but still texted her a few times.

I know he loves his child very much and I am hoping to see him take some more initiative now that my family has left. This week is going to be an important one. His actions will tell alot about the future.

Hey!!!! It is so good to hear from you. Congratulations on your baby girl.

I hope she came out fine and healthy. What did you name her?

So, you are home so soon after a C-section? I really hope that you have someone to help you. This is going to be very hard.

Congratulations PSC!!!

I'm glad you are home and doing better. I'm sure that was scary.

The next few weeks will show a glimmer of how things will be for awhile. If he doesn't cut things off with OW soon, then you'll be in this for the long haul. You'll probably have to go into Plan B because the drama will eventually take its toll.

Try not to think about WH and OW. Concentrate on your own healing and your beautiful little girl. Keep on track and don't let your thoughts get away from you. Focus on what's right there in front of you.

I'm sure this time of your life will be very trying. Happy but hard. We're here. You're not alone.

Keep us updated.

Congrats on the baby. I hope everything is going well. I will keep you and your new little one in my prayers.

We named her Shelby Elizabeth, and she is absolutely wonderful. I cant imagine ever not having her. Thankfully she is perfectly healthy and I am recovering.

I am taking it easy and H is going to come help out. How often we will see, but one of our neighbors said that if I need help at night to call. H works nights and he knows that im home alone. MIL cant really help me take care of her, but she can drive me around and pick things up for me if I need something.

This is my first night alone with her. Kinda scary but exciting that im getting the hang of this mother thing Im not sure if H was planning on coming here when he gets off work or not. We told him that this is her fussy time so maybe he will come help out.

All I keep thinking is..How can you bring this wonderful person into the world, love her, say you didnt realize how hard it would be to leave her, and then leave? Ive had her 6 days now and im hooked for life.

Its been almost a week since I came home from the hospital. H hasnt come by all that much and doesnt stay for very long at a time. He stayed with me one night and got to see exactly what having a baby means. The next night (last night) he said he was tired and going to stay at his moms. I felt like he didnt want to be bothered by having to take care of his child so he left it to me.

Well this morning at 4am she starts crying and wont stop. Typical baby stuff. I try everything I can to get her to calm down but nothing is working. About an hour in I notice my incision is leaking. Come to find out I have an infection. I called H at his moms, he tells me to call if I need anything. His response was..."what do you want me to do. Ill be over there when I get up." I was crying, scared, frustrated and hurt. I didnt realize it but I hung up on him. He called back wanting to know why and I told him I didnt realize I had, I just have a crying baby im trying to calm down.

H ended up coming over, letting me take care of myself. I made an apointment for the dr later and had to have it lanced...now im in more pain, having more complications from having HIS child that he isnt really into parenting. He loves her, that is plain to see, but doesnt realize what parenting responsibility is.

I got over all that, im hopefully going to be cleared up and not have anything else go wrong.

Tonight I found out by snooping on one of his accounts that he told someone he is single b/c he found out about another A I had....where he got this info I have no clue since its NOT true. He also said that we are separated and definately getting a divorce after the baby is a year old. And to top it all off he said he is trying to get back in to the dating scene. News to me since just the other day he told me he was not looking for any relationship, dating, etc. He just wants to do things for himself and be single for a while.

I am trying to stay positive through all this. I dont bother him with anything unless I really need him and it seems since we came home from the hospital that he feels like I did my duty bringing the child into this world so now he doesnt have to worry or care about me. Im so hurt right now.

I try to be caring about him and keep in contact with him, try to stay friendly, but I feel like a total fool. I know im going to have to Plan B, but I dont know how to with a new baby and needing his help. I dont feel like I can cut him off completely just yet and financially we are still together. I cant make it on my own, especially with a baby now.

And to top everything off, I found all the letters and cards he wrote me after the A was exposed. Letters he had written saying how much he loved me and wanted to work on our marriage no matter what and that now we could build it up better than before. I even found the one where he forgave me. I want to show him all of it and ask if it was all a lie or if he even meant it. Funny how just a few months after writting all of them he basically despises me.

I know my hormones are still out of whack from being pregnant, but I feel really hopeless right now.

((((((PSC)))))))

I'm sorry this is so hard. It will continue to be I'm afraid. Personally, if my FWH could have gotten away with not taking care of our kids when they were babies he would have. From what I know of many others, it's typical. And because of your situation it'll be worse. You're not going to get much help from WH.

It's going to be very hard.



When you find things about your WH make a copy and keep it in a safe place. You are probably going to need it. A court would not be real happy with knowing that he wanted to reconcile, got you pregnant and then abandoned you for OW. So get a screen shot of the account and print it out. And save all of the letters he wrote to you. Put them all in a place that he cannot get to. It's time to protect you and the baby. That's got to be your focus.

I also think that you need to talk to your lawyer. You need to find out where you stand. A lawyer can tell you alot about what will happen if...

It will put your mind at ease knowing that you WILL be ok if he doesn't come back. I think you need to do that soon. Also start to journal all of this. Write down dates and times he visits, unkept promised visits, etc. Document everything.



It won't make any difference so don't. I know you are hurt and your emotions are all over the place. But you have to start getting yourself in a place where what HE does doesn't matter...plan B. That's why I say go to a lawyer. Find out how you will get by financially and find out what a court could get your WH to do.

Try to get as much sleep as you can. Sleep when she sleeps.

Try to eliminate the other stresses. Try NOT to think about WH.

Right now it's you and Shelby.

(((((PSC)))))

So sorry you're going through this. It's time for your H to grow up. Time for him to take responsibility.

You may need a lawyer to establish that.

I think you will help yourself tremendously from an emotional standpoint if you start to assume you will get zero help from your H.

Expect nothing from him and you won't be disappointed when he fails to be a responsible dad.

He's setting himself up for failure in family court and men like him are the ones that make it hard for men like me who actually give a rat's a$$ about our kids.

You can follow Plan A, but a newborn baby is tough to deal with on top of an idiot husband.

Keep records and keep the docs.

Here's a little help on dealing with a crying baby.

Wrap her tightly in her blankets. Try the rocking. One thing that works very well, surprisingly well, is to put the baby on her side, rock her, and then shush steadily into her ear.

She might be overwhelmed by the silence she's hearing and needs white noise. You'll be giving her that by shushing steadily directly (and softly) in her ear.

White noise of any kind helps as well. We use to turn on a blow dryer on cold which also worked.

Kids find comfort in the oddest things, but white noise is a big one. So try the shushing and the blow dryer or get a white noise maker.

A lot of times figuring out why a baby is crying is a process of elimination. A good chunk of the times it is hunger. Other times it's just wanting to be held. Other times it's gas.

Try the methods I suggest and if you're reaching your wits end, then put the baby down, let her cry, and walk outside and get a few minutes of silence. No baby ever died from crying. You need the break now and then to keep yourself in check.

Your fuse is short right now with a wayward H in the picture.

Have any family nearby?

If he's going to be wayward and give you no help, then I suggest moving to where you have family or seek out his family, if you get along with them.

I had actually thought about keeping a log of the times he comes to help out. Im glad I was thinking in the right direction. I have all the cards, letters, notes he has written me in a folder. I keep every momento like that for sentimental reasons, never thought I would need them for a fight.

Thank you baron for your advice. She does respond to the shushing, but the littlest move I make after she falls asleep wakes her up again and we start the process all over again. Ironically enough when H is here and he does it she falls instantly asleep and doesnt wake up. Seems she misses her daddy. Wish he would understand that.

I know she needs to cry sometimes, but it is hard hearing that. Going outside is a good idea. It wouldnt be so bad if I could get out of the house once in a while, but since I cant drive for another week im stuck. MIL wants to help but unfortunately she has bronchitis atm and doesnt want to give it to us.

I am coping pretty good so far. It is hard, but seeing her sweet face helps. I never thought H would be acting like he is towards her. He was so excited about having a baby until this all started.

He's wayward PSC, all that matters to him is HIM.

It's not that unusual for a young father to kinda "run away" from a newborn. They are not as bonded as the mothers yet and they're not real sure where they fit in, especially if the mother is breastfeeding(don't know if you are). If you are, you might want to get a pump so he can feed her too. That will help with the bonding between them.

I'm sorry that you don't have much help right now. Definitely keep Shelby away from all sick people. It's hard enough with a newborn, you don't want a sick newborn. Don't try to do any housework or anything that is unnecessary. Let it all go and just take care of the two of you. Once she gets into a routine and you get adjusted, you'll find the time to do other things.

Ah, Shelby, I like that name.

Be sure to keep a diary of what she does and when. You think you will never forget, but you do.

Hubby is still wayward, so don't expect much at all from him. These weeks are the hardest with a new little one. The white noise thing sounds good, maybe a fan or something. We used to take our first out in a boat, and he slept the whole time from the rumble of the motor.

My sons' dad didn't help at all with them when they were babies, so that is not uncommon.

Don't know if you have any little girls in the neighborhood. I used to pay one little girl to babysit while I was home so I could take a luxurious bath, get out in the yard, etc.

Establishing a routine is good - like get her up in the AM, feed her, sing to her, read to her, have playtime, then nap, lunch, more together time, dinner and bath, music and bed. Or however you want to do it. Young ones usually get into the routine quickly if it is always the same.

Try to rest when she does, and forget the housework. That will wait until she is a teen and is always out with her friends. If you want to get a little done, set a timer and spend 5 minutes in each room every day. That will keep things picked up enough.

You may be able to do it to some music that she likes and that may keep her happy. Crying is good for her lungs, but I'm like you, didn't let mine cry. I wrapped mine both in a sling and carried them around everywhere with my hands free.

See if you can hookup with some other mom's for a playgroup when she is a bit older. I took care of another baby my son's age from the time he was 2 months old until he was 18 months. It was lots of fun seeing them grow together.

In another month she should be sleeping all night and that will be easier on you. Try to enjoy this time with her - as they always say, it slips by too fast.

PCS,

You should be very proud of yourself. You really do have a lot on your plate right now.

It's hard being a new mom in the best of situations.
Being a new mom by yourself .... just wrong.
Recovering from a section birth on it's own is tough.
A post infection ... one more straw on the camel's back.

All of these things, on their own, are stressful.
Together, can really test your coping skills.
You sound pretty grounded and this is why you should pat yourself on the back.

Please come to these boards with any, absolutely any questions, venting, sadness, happiness, ... whatever!

Know that you are at high risk for emotional turmoil, and seek whatever support you can. Don't be afraid to call the O.B. ward at the hospital or your GP for any advice with regards to Shelby Elizabeth or yourself. BTW, I love that name too. If they don't have the answer, they will be able to direct you to someone who does.

You've gotten some really good advice from everyone, there are many people here with babe experience.
One thing I used to do was vacuum when my babes were sleeping. They didn't seem to startle so much if there was a noise later when they were napping. Right now for you, no vacuuming.

As a mother of sons, I would be livid if one of my boys behaved like your young man. He'd be shamed to a piece of dirt after I was through with him .... it would be a LB fest.

You take good care.

Thank you everyone for your encouragement and support. It is hard, but I am learning alot about myself now. As scarey as all this is, my daugher takes alot of fears away when I look at her. She is so beautiful.

On a funny note, my sister told me before I gave birth that she wasnt buying anything that said cute baby on it. She said she would only after seeing her b/c some babies arent cute and she doesnt want to say mine is if she wasnt. Well, my sis loves my daughter so much that she put her pic as her desktop default on her work comp...lol. Guess the whole cute issue didnt matter and she is so proud. (I will say my daughter is pretty darn cute though )

Seriously, try the blowdryer. Turn it on on cool setting, set it down, and watch as she falls asleep. The noise will cover up any of your noise as you move away.

IT WORKS!

have you looked into attachment parenting or Dr. Sears? SCAP is a great yahoo group - slightly crunchy attachment parenting....they can help you. I've been a member for a very long time. I'm inactive on yahoo but still chat with ladies via facebook. I highly recommend getting a parenting support group online some where - anywhere. some can be a bit, um, militant like with any forum, but they're there to help.

Hope you will post some pictures on the MB album.

I was wondering if there was a place to post pics. I would like to post one...have to get H to send me the one of me and Shelby.

Here's a link. Password is the last name of the owners of this site. First letter capitalized.

MB photo album by Faith1

Faith has a thread on here on how to contact her to get your pic uploaded. I'll look for it.

Here's the thread with contact info.

MB photo album thread

Things are getting easier. I took your advice and tried to find some white noise to sooth her. Found out running water works, but in an effort to not waste water im forgoing that idea. Instead I found that running the hood on my stove works just as good.

Another piece of good news, today must have been my lucky day. I found 2 4-leaf and 2 5-leaf clovers in my front yard. Just looked down and there they were. At my dr apt today, my incision is looking good and the infection is all cleared up. AND H gave me a compliment today. Something he hasnt done in a long time.

Im not looking at this all like things are going to work out, but at least I had a really good day.

What about getting one of those small water fountains, find the loudest one and run it when you need to. I think it just recycles it's own water.

I'm glad you had so much luck today. Things happen in 3's.

How are you and babe doing? MIL still helping out?

We are doing fine. H has been sick and staying away so she doesnt get what he has. MIL has the same thing so im kinda by myself, but im still sane

H and I had a texting conversation last night and it seems he may be coming to his senses. About 2 weeks before the baby was born he decided he wanted a D. Now he is telling me he has been dreaming about me every night since she was born and is confused. Said he's not sure what will happen.

I know not to take this and think everything is better already, but he is starting to come back to his senses. He apologized for being so distant with me. He told me he does want us to be a family and wants to feel the love for me again like he used to.
Im not 100% sure but it seems contact with his "friend" hasnt been as much lately.

I am going to continue doing what im doing. I had decided to give this a few weeks after the birth to see how he acted. Things are much better than I thought they were going to be. I just keep taking this one day at a time and enjoying being a mom.

psc_77, try a fan of some sort- we have a stand fan in our ds's room and have had since birth (he's not quite 1). A plus, it is supposed to decrease the chance of SIDS by about 75% because it circulates the air. The white noise is excellent!!! Plus, it's movable, unlike the fan on your stove, lol.

PSC,

Just keep on keepin on. Plan A.

Make home a pleasant place. Be the best mom you can be. Seeing you dealing well with Shelby probably impresses him and fills a need he didn't even know he had. So keep calm and keep it together. You really are doing good!!!

So H and I had another good talk about things he wants. He said again he wants to come home and be a family and have the love for me he once had. He said "I just want to do right by Shelby and honestly I want us to be a family...But I dont know if I can do it".

I told him about the things I have read here and the books I ordered. I also told him that if he wants all that it is possible if we BOTH work on our M.

His response was "Honestly if I knew you'd never do it again I could try right now". He wants to try but is scared of what might happen down the road. I feel like he might be doing all this b/c of the "what if" factor. I know the future is what you make of it and nothing is set in stone until it is done. I have tried to tell him that, but he is a bit too scared I think.

Another thing he is worried about is that he thinks I have "moved on" or I am in the process of it. Funny thing is that is what he wanted me to do in the first place. He hated it when I was crying or emotional and now he is upset that im not. I am so confused right now as to what to do.

How should I approach things with him? I have SAA that I read and think it would offer alot of good info for him. Im just not sure he will read it yet. The offer is there for him to read it if he wants. Is there anything I can do to help him? I am not changing what I am doing...im still acting the same, showing him that I still care and love him and that I am O&H.

Any advice on the next step for us would be appreciated.

pcs,

This sounds great, WH misses you and Shelby. His morals sound like they are feathering through.

Have him come home asap. You can't fill his lovebank if he is not at home.

Ignore what he says about not being sure, blah blah, blah.

Do the best Plan A possible. Keep telling him that both you and Shelby need him in your lives, and that having a great M and family is possible with work.

What is the situation with NC/C?

I'm falling asleep, sorry, this is all I have to offer right now.

I have told him he is welcome home at any time. He does stay here but still sleeps on the couch. As far as NC goes, he wont admit to anything going on so he sees nothing wrong with what is happening. I do want to address this issue though. He said to me that I cant have any guy friends if we do get back together, and this doesnt bother me. I want to have him agree to the same thing (with females though, lol). Something for us to discuss.

I am still doing what I can to make our home an inviting place. My time is limited though with the baby, but I am doing the best I can.

psc,

It's a good thing that he sees you strong and "moving on". You should keep doing exactly what you are doing. This is the new you. Keep the good changes coming.



This is where MB policies come into play(protection, joint agreement). Read up on those if you haven't in awhile. They are critical in a good M.

You two can have friends but friends together, not alone. Meaning there's no private conversations with members of the opposite sex and you should never be alone with members of the opposite sex. You have friends of the M. You both have showed weakness and a vulnerablilty, so protect that vulnerability.

Some on this site have created a list of Extraordinary Precautions to protect their S form their poor behavior and boundaries. If you haven't seen the thread or read about EPs before, read up on them and make your own list that you could actually hand over to your WH. If you need an example, you could read the EPs that TST(a FWH) wrote up. If you need a link I'm sure I could get it.

Keep plan Aing him. No LBs.

You are strong and you can make it on your own if you have to. Know that.

Good job.

So my daughter hasnt been gaining weight like she should be. We have gone to the dr 3 times in the past week and a half checking her weight and have another apt the end of this week. I saw a lactation nurse last week to try to see if there was anything else I could do since im trying to breastfeed. The plan we came up with was to feed her, then feed her a bottle of pumped milk. I feel like a human bottle atm and she still isnt gaining weight.

At her apt today the dr could tell im exhausted and need some time to myself. She suggested formula in the bottle and still breastfeed first. She suggested H feed her the bottle when possible and asked if we had family in the area to relieve me for a few hours during the day. I could tell H got upset b/c he knows he isnt helping me a whole lot.

When we got home I started crying and he asked me what was wrong. I told him I was stressed out. He said he knows it hard right now, but really didnt offer much advice or input. He said he comes over when he can, I said i need more than just 2 hrs a day. He didnt like that. Before he left he made a snide comment about how long he was here today (actually spent the night).

Now i just got a text message about how much he loves her and how cute it was when she took a nap next to him. He was all happy like nothing happened.

We have had a few text message discussions about us and he has been giving me a hug/kiss whenever he comes to the house. And he has said "I love you" a few times lately too. I know he is confused right now, but im getting stressed out more and more. I try not to let it show too much, but sometimes I cant help it. I hope after today that he realizes what is going on.

I want to make him feel welcome here at the house, I dont want to push him away. I have told him he is welcome back at anytime. He actually thanked me for that. I guess I just feel like there is hope, but its not fast enough. I know I can only do so much and its not going to be a quick comeback, but I can hope.

You are doing a good job. So don't worry about that. Hubby knows he can come home, and most likely will, because most do.

I'm a big believer in breast feeding. I nursed both of my sons for 3 years. Be sure you are drinking a lot of water, milk and juice. Sometimes that makes a difference.

However I wasn't going through what you are now, so best advice is breastfeeding, and then pumped milk or formula. As long as she is getting some breastfeeding, it is very good for her. If you decide to give her formula, then she may get off the breast. But whatever makes her gain weight is the best choice.

So sorry you are going through all this. This should be a time where you relax and enjoy your baby girl.

H and I had another talk today. He still isnt sure he wants to stay in the M. he isnt sure working on it will change his feelings. He says he feels nothing inside, that he is empty of all emotions. I have SAA and showed him that it can help him to understand what happened and bring some insight to what we can do to recover, but he is still unwilling to take any help. He feels like his feelings have to come back first then we can think about working on our M.

After we had this talk he went by his parents house and he and his mom had a big blow out. He says she all but accused him of having an affair. He said his parents and his relationship is over now b/c they dont approve of what he is doing and dont want to listen to him. He called me yelling about it and said he was done.

He told me he wasnt thinking about if our M would be ok, but that if he wanted to try to work on us. Now he says he doesnt think we can ever work it out and that it will never be right.

I know he is just angry right now, but it hurts so bad. I feel like all this mess is my fault b/c of what I did in my A and that we wouldnt be where we are right now if I hadnt have done it. I told him that and that I feel guilty about what I did every day, especially when I look at my daughter. I see what we could have had and know that it might not happen.

He always tells me I have no idea how bad I have hurt him, I do know though. I see how he was and know how I feel now about what happened. I may not know exactly the same emotions he felt, but I know how bad it was. I dont think he understands how badly I feel about what I did and how hurt I am now knowing I caused us to split.

H said he is moving out completely from his parents house and that he cant stay here either. That contradicts what he told me earlier this week. I just dont know what to think. He also told me that after this weekend he will be spending alot more time here with his daughter. I just really am confused.

He told me not to wait on him and to start getting on with my life. I want him though and cant imagine being with anyone else. I want to think that him being here more will help, but I see him back and forth so much I have no idea.

Do I still have any hope left for my M to recover or does it sound like H is completely done?

psc,

May I make a few recommendations? Thank you. One, put your baby on formula. If you can breast feed some do it, but formula is where your baby needs to be. Let me tell you why.

Let your H be the one to feed the child, let him hold the child, feed and burp, clean up. It will help you get some rest, it will also start to bond him to the child. Men don't bond to children until they are born and the more they hold them, feed them, and spend time with them the more the bond is built. Changing diapers is NOT A BONDING EXPERIENCE. Feeding a child is especially as an infant.

You cannot educate your H, but leave SAA out. Tell him he doesn't have to seek counseling, he can learn what he needs in books, but it is up to him.

You are right he is messed up, confused, and more than anything not sure of himself and what he means to anyone. Hence other women, hence the blow ups, hence not being sure of you. He cannot be sure of you until he is sure of himself. What might ground him??? Why your child of course. It is not the childs job to keep your family together or functioning. But, feeding a baby is an experience that strikes people on many levels and lets you know that if nothing else you are useful for something.

Let your H help with the baby. In the long run all will be better.

God Bless,

JL

((((((psc))))))

I know this is hard. This is the drama I mentioned early on. It's not good for you or for Shelby. It's going to cause you great stress on a daily basis and you've got enough on your plate right now. Can you see it? Every day he says something different and every day you react to it. You can't help but to react, but do you see the harm it causes you?

All you can do is continue in Plan A until you decide to go to Plan B. You can't change his mind no matter what you say so you have to continue on. That makes sense, right? Try not to react to his indecision on a daily basis. That's the WS script. He's following it pretty well. Right now he's angry and he's lashing out at you. You can't take it to heart. You've seen first hand how quickly his mood changes. It's going to change again so continue what you're doing.

And please...start to think about plan B. Your sanity is at risk.

I agree with your lactation consultant. I breastfed both my girls (one for 18months, one for 2 years) The benefits of breastfeeding are well documented.
Schedule breastfeeding time to ensure baby gets the recommended time nursing, then suppplement with formula which Hubby can do. That way you will get a bit more rest time, baby gets a bit more, and H gets a share.

BTW, JL, neither of my babies dad's fed them, yet they seemed to bond quite well. There is more to being a daddy than providing food.

Its been a few weeks and things are going really well for me. My daughter has been gaining weight and the dr. is really pleased. Now if I can get her to sleep in her bed instead of with me all the time, lol.

H has been REALLY good with me. He has started staying at the house, in the same bed with me, a few days out of the week. He says he wants to take things slow and not rush. I agree with him. I think we need to work on our M but when my A was exposed we rushed into what we thought worked and then got side tracked after I got pregnant. Now that we have a newborn we have more things to focus on, but our M isnt going to suffer this time.

He is back to his old self with me too. His mom has even noticed the change in him. Its like he was forcing himself to act all mad while he decided whether or not he wanted to be married. Now he can relax and let himself be himself. He still is a bit reserved with his mom. They had a bad arguement about what was going on and still havent completely made up.

Its wierd for me though now. I love him more than I can ever explain, but since this whole separation started ive had to change how I act around him. Now that we are working on us again and he wants to be more physical I dont know how to act. Sometimes I feel like I want to hug/kiss him like old times, but I feel reserved now b/c I wasnt able to do that for the past 3 months. I dont want him to think that I dont want to have that physical connection, but I feel like if I attempt it too much its going to push him away again. I know I should just ask him and let him know I am confused, that way he can tell me what he wants and is looking for. I just feel odd asking my husband what he wants. For so long I knew what he wanted and now its like we are dating all over again sorta.

Things are looking up though and I am happy that we are working on us. This has been a real wake up call for me. I thought we were doing really good since he hadnt mentioned anything negative about what he was experiencing until he told me he wanted to separate. Now that I know we hadnt even really begun to recover, we can take the steps to rebuild our M even better. I will not be side tracked this time and wont let H either. This time we will succeed