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Originally Posted by psc_77
I had told him Monday that I would give him some space.

When he asks for space, it's indicative that he wants to pursue his affair unfettered by your meddling. People that are invested in the marriage get their "space" by sitting on the porch reading a novel, or taking a long bath, or tinkering in their shop.

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I had been calling him, trying to keep some communication open. He doesnt want me to keep pushing so I stopped.
Don't talk about relationship stuff right now. Just DROP IT. Every time you want to talk about "us" and "the marriage" you push him away. Every time you say "I love you" and the subtext is "Do you love me? Please please please say you love me too." it pushes him away. So just stop it.

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I am still cautious about things because I know its WAY too soon to think things have changed.
Of course things haven't changed. From what you've written here, which is all we have to go by, you haven't exposed or done anything else to help end the affair.

What ENs are you meeting?
What LBs are the toughest for you to avoid?
When are you going to expose?

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TH, I checked out that website you mentioned and im currently waiting for my report to come to me. After that I will know alot more about her. As for exposing him to his friends, I am working on that. My FIL is out of town right now, but MIL is filling him in and he cant wait to talk to H. H wont call his dad or answer calls from him though so that might be a while. Exposing him at work will do nothing, the cops he works with run affairs all the time, I see it and its no big deal with them. I know im not jumping in head first on exposing. H has been a bit better lately towards me though (I know excuses....).

I did talk to my Dr. today about getting on anti-depressants. She got me a prescription, so maybe I will be a bit better able to handle day-to-day. I am protecting myself and my baby and I am going to try not to dwell on H so much.

As for telling him "I love you" I didnt realize it was pushing him away. He has been trying to stop telling me that so maybe I should too. Im not bringing up the M anymore, maybe he will relax around me now.


Me: FWW 35
H: BS 33
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Plan A him:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.




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Its been a few days, a few hard days, but I am surviving. H blew up when he found out I was on anti-depressants. Guess it upset him that he was hurting me that bad. I wasnt doing it to get back at him, I really need something to help me not cry so much all day everyday. Since then though he has made more of an effort to communicate with me. Im not bring up our M or the OW, just trying to talk to him.

I did create some tension between us though on the 13th. He left his phone where I could get to it while taking a shower and I found out his pw. I snooped in his text messages to OW and found out a few things. He had sent her flowers to her work for V-day and in an earlier message told her he loved her. I was deeply hurt. I should have waited to tell him about it, but I couldnt help myself. He blew up at me and said he was moving out. I had shown him I couldnt be trusted and it was over. He told me that he and the OW had talked and nothing was going to happen until we were divorced, but that they had talked about starting a R if in fact we got a D. The future planing and the texts confirmed that that wasnt a "friendship". I am glad I found out and told him about it. I did make a mistake and apologized to him for snooping, but Im not really sorry.

Since then I have let his have his "space". I dont call him, I wait for him to call me to text me. he had told me he didnt get me anything for V-day. I told him I didnt expect anything. I had gotten him something to show him I was thinking about him, I do still care deeply for him, and that if he wants to I am here for him. When I got up the next morning he had gotten me a gift and a card that said dont give up praying for us.

All day yesterday I didnt contact him, but he contacted me twice to talk. It is nice to see him making the effort to contact me and check up on how I am doing. H never moved out, but is still staying in the spare room. Last night I woke up to go to the bathroom and he was home (had just got off work). He told me that after he said he wasnt getting me a V-day gift that he couldnt do that to me. He still loves me and doesnt like hurting me. He gave me this huge hug. I asked him if anything was wrong and he said he misses us (me and the baby). He looked really upset too. We talked a few min and he told me not to give up on him.

He is trying to come to terms with what I have done and needs time to think. I havent brought up the OW or recovery and im not going to, but if he comes back I am going to ask him all the questions I got about the OM. After finding the texts I think I deserve an honest answer and if he doesnt come clean I can contact her about it. I want it to come from him though.

Im not sure if everything that is happening is the correct way of doing things, but I am trying to stick to PA. It is hard and I am slipping, but I am trying. My MIL and one of my SIL both are telling me not to take anything from him. To let him know he cant be a "cake eater". My nature is to apologize and take the blame so the other person doesnt hurt, but he needs to know I am hurting too. I am not as quick to let him off the hook on things now. Normally giving him space isnt in my nature, I like to find out what is wrong and fix the problem then and there so its not an issue anymore. Im letting him deal with his own problems now and he is realizing I am trying.

I dont know what will come out of all this, but I am happy that H isnt pushing me away. He seems to be coming back to me slowly. I can be patient.


Me: FWW 35
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I had shown him I couldnt be trusted and it was over.

Geez, that's a joke. Right now HE cannot be trusted.

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I did make a mistake and apologized to him for snooping, but Im not really sorry.

Don't do that. You have a right to know the truth. He's angry now because you know and are trying to interfere. Notice that he DIDN'T move out because he IS a cake eater.

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He is trying to come to terms with what I have done and needs time to think.

He's working it.

This guilt you feel over your A will enable him to carry on his own. He knows that. He will play that card to his grave. Even IF this A ends he will never own it. He will blame you. I doubt you will be able to get ANY answers to your questions because he will just throw your A in your face and you will back down.

It's a terrible dynamic. I think you are going to have to let him go to get him back. And you are no where close to being ready for Plan B.

The cycle will go on for a long time. I hope you can maintain some sort of sane life when the baby arrives.

Get your plan A working on all cylinders. Stop the LBs.





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Its been a while since I posted and things are moving slowly. H had told me he wanted me to continue to contact him when I get off work and before I go to bed. I have started doing this again and sometimes he responds, sometimes he doesnt. I dont push any issues with him and I dont talk about our M nor do I say I love you (unless he says it first).

H and I had a bad discussion a few days ago b/c he found out I had gone through his wallet. I was looking for a receipt for some flowers he sent to OW. I didnt find it and didnt think he would know but he did. He said he was going to completely move out after that since I really couldnt be trusted. That was 4 days ago and he still hasnt moved out. Im looking at that as a promising thing.

I havent been pushing issues with him, only talking about everyday things and not getting upset about things he isnt doing. We had an hour long texting discussion about nothing and it was like old times. He still sounds like im forcing him to talk to me when i call him, but im not letting that get to me.

Today he packed for his trip to Tx. When I got home he told me he got me something. He had bought a little outfit that said something about mommy on it for our little one coming in a few weeks. I was touched since he thought about it, I had been upset b/c most of the things we recieved as gifts said daddy things on it.

My dr. had asked me about dates for the birth. She wants to induce me. Since H is dying for a St. Patricks baby i though that would be a great thing for him to have. I told him that the dr. decided on that date not me. I thought this might be like a "sign" for him. He is very excited about it.

I am still trying to do my best not to talk R, M or anything that might get him upset. I have found out some info from him about why he is doing all this. He is scared of turning 30 and of the baby coming. I know this isnt an excuse, but it does explain the odd behavior all of a sudden. He is also scared of becoming like his dad and being a cynical SOB. Now his dad isnt like that anymore and hasnt been for a few years. In talking with MIL, FIL really wasnt like that at 30 either. It wasnt until H got into high school that FIL turned into a pessimist.

I am trying to be as supportive of H as I can be with out going overboard. He has been working out and I comment on his progress every chance I get. I tell him how nice he looks in his clothes now and that im impressed with his progress. He says he is going to help me get back in shape after the baby, and I am hoping this can be some quality time for us together. ATM we dont spend any time together at all.

My anti-d's are helping me to not be so emotional around him. I think he appreciates that, I know its a lot easier on me to be less emotional and more supportive or happy. Unfortunatley my dr cut my hours at work to 20 a week because of severe swelling in my legs. At forst when I told H about that he sounded kinda indifferent. When he saw my legs tonight when I got home, he was very upset and wants me to make sure nothing happens to the baby. He doesnt like the dr too much. He did tell me that b/c my legs were so bad he would help me around the house to get it ready. Earlier today he made a comment about me having more time now to get the house ready and no mention of him helping.

I see progress, but it is very slow and its not all forward movement. I have good days and bad days, but I am trying to stay positive and move forward. I hope this all made sense to anyone reading...I kind of rattled on a bit tonight.


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I have found out some info from him about why he is doing all this. He is scared of turning 30 and of the baby coming.

Wow, imagine if all new young parents did this because they were turning 30 and having a baby? Is this supposed to prepare him for it all?

PSC, I've read many posters write similar type scenarios concerning their WS's A. They tell us about the day to day encounters and how they think things are going. They tell us about the arguments and the "good times". They crawl through their lives for months hanging on and reacting to their WS' cake eating. They interpret EVERY perceived change as a change in the overall picture and how they think it's getting better because they can be civil to one another...

Of course things will be civil as long as you go along with the program. And nothing will change. You need to start thinking about a plan. What will you do when the baby comes and life remains EXACTLY as it is? How about 6 months from now? How about 2 years?

We've seen it.

Again I'll say
Quote
The cycle will go on for a long time. I hope you can maintain some sort of sane life when the baby arrives.

I don't want to sound harsh, I just want you to realize that unless you start to act instead of react you will suffer longer because it will just draaaaaag on. This suits him.

Please consider, seriously, the need for a future Plan B. Unless he comes to his senses when the baby arrives, you are going to need it.

((((((PSC))))))


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Right now I feel a calm coming over me. I realize what he is doing and it hurts ALOT, but unfortunately I did this to him also. Not saying that makes this all better or ok. I just am coming to terms with the fact that I cant change him, just me. I am trying to be a better person and make it through these last few weeks til our baby comes and prepare myself for having a new baby. Honestly im terrified, but happy. I think he wants me to be happier when the baby comes so its less he has to deal with. That makes me sad b/c its his baby too. On the other hand I need to be happy so I can be a good parent. She is going to be a BIG part of my life now. I am excited about seeing her for the first time and seeing how she will be growing up.

Plan B scares me, but I know it probably will come to pass for us. I wish it wouldnt. I wish that as soon as our baby is born he will wake up and realize he is being an a**. I have been told by a few people he probably will. His mom thinks he isnt going to be able to walk away from her once he sees her and holds her for the first time. I just dont know what will happen. I try not to think about that and just live day to day. Now that im on limited hours at work I am going to try to get more things done around the house. I know one day he will regret not being here and doing the things he should have, thats the way he is. Right now he isnt himself, but that wont last.

I do feel better about myself and dont cry as much. It feels nice to be sane again somewhat. Im not trying to feed into his problems, and not instigating anything. After all this I hope to say I am a better person.


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I know you did this to him too. And it can't be erased. I just don't think you can let that determine what you do right now.

You are going to have to make your life, right now, as peaceful as possible because having a newborn in the house, especially the first newborn, is a rollercoaster of its own. Yes it's wonderful, but also exhausting, mentally challenging, physically challenging and totally different than what you know. There's no real way to describe what's heading your way. Add to that ANY preexisting emotional troubles and it multiplies the stress 50 fold.

Just plan ahead a bit. Make sure you have the help you need. Don't expect ANYTHING from your WH. He may or may not be around to help.

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After all this I hope to say I am a better person.

Someday you will be able to say that as long as you keep working on you.


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MicheleG, thank you for the support and advice. I am trying to be more independent and less reliant on H. It is hard though when I see him not that interested in the new baby and I just want to scream at him that he did this too. I dont though, I hold my tongue and keep on going. I am doing more for myself lately and it feels good. I am going to get the house ready without him and see what I can accomplish smile If he decides to help, great!....if not then I know I can do it. In the end I will be happy with what I have done.


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psc_77,
I'm glad to see you posting here again. You have a lot on your plate, especially with being pregnant.

I'll reiterate what others have already told you. What your H is doing is WRONG. The fact that you had an A yourself makes things more difficult and more complicated, but it does not in any way lessen how wrong his behavior is.

It's hard to balance Plan A. You're trying to be the best wife you can be - meet ENs, avoid LBs... but at the same time you can't let yourself turn into a doormat. Re-read the carrot and the stick of Plan A. Read it over and over.

That stuff he says about not being able to trust you because you snooped - that's classic wayward talk. If you think about it, it's a huge joke. HE can't trust YOU? He's the one cheating. You're the one trying to understand the reality of your life. Just don't let his words get to you and certainly don't believe them.

Focus on yourself for now. Get plenty of rest, eat well, exercise if you can. When you interact with WH, admire him to the max. Laugh and be upbeat. Talk about fun and interesting things you've done. Be flirty. But don't expect anything in return. Not yet.

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TH you have hit the nail on the head. I know he is hiding things from me and lying to me. At the same time I am trying to be the happy person, not let his BS get to me--especially not show him it gets to me. Lately we have had a few talks that have gone really well, no M or R talking and just light conversation. It is nice to see him not be so stand-offish with me.

He is out of town atm and since im out of work more, I am going to try to show him that I can do things with out him and see how he reacts. I dont expect anything from him, but I do like to see his reactions. Sometimes I dont see them first hand, his mom tells me what he says to her so I do get some knowledge of what he is thinking.

It feels good to have a plan in place and be happy about it.


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Oh and the admiration thing....he has been working out a lot and losing weight. I have told him everytime I see him how good he looks. He has gone out and bought new clothes and is so excited about feeling better. I tell him I can see how much he has done and it is impressive. He really does look much healthier and happier. Maybe the endorphins will improve his mood too and get him out of this self deprivating (hope I spelled that right)attitude he has been in.


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H just got back from his trip out of town yesterday. We hadnt really spoken while he was out and he wanted to come talk today. He came out and said he cant do this anymore. He doesnt want to string me along and doesnt think he can get over my A. He says he doestn trust me and doesnt think I trust him right now. He has no desire to work on us still and doesnt think it would help anyways. He is very adamant about his feelings and wants to move out completely. He is uncomfortable in the house with me.

I told him that I would never do this again and he knows I have shown him I have changed. He even said I have done everything right since he found out. I told him that I feel like the scum of the earth about what I did and that I could never do that to him again. I know how bad I hurt him and it kills me. I said that when someone knows they made a mistake and really truly feels remorseful about it, they will do whatever it takes not to do that same thing again. My A was my mistake that I made and it will never happen again. His response was..."what if taking you back was my mistake?"

I feel so horrible right now and hopeless. I know it is his right to leave me and I can do nothing about it, but it still hurts. It hasnt been a year since D-day and he is giving up. I have tried hard to show him this is a loving home and I can be trusted, but im not perfect and have made some mistakes in the past month and a half. I pushed him to try to work on us and he didnt want to. I know I cant force him to do anything. I just want us to be happy.

I am trying to save up some money to talk to Dr. Harley but it takes time. We are really tight on money atm. I just feel very hopeless right now. I had thought I was doing good, not crying around him, giving him compliments, no LBs, trying to meet his needs. Can things turn around or should I take what he says and try to move on? I really dont feel like I could ever stop loving him. I had a feeling this was the path things were headed towards, but I kept praying it wouldnt.

Everyone I have talked to thinks he will "wake up" when the baby is born and realize he wants to be a family with me. I just see him being very stubborn. He said he will be here for the baby, but its for her not me. We have a year after she is born until we can get a divorce and I hope things change. I just see him not wanting things to change and I know he has a right to feel that way.


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Hang in there and don't give up. You are doing well, and things should improve, but it takes lots of time.

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You need to read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. You need to tell this man he is having an emotional affair. When he is married it is for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS. Granted you didn't but like you said he took you back and you are working toward making things better. He is letting HER fill his love tank and she will become more then a friend eventually if she already hasn't (believe me been there done that). You need to tell him that marriage is binding and that he needs to put you and your marriage first and let this other woman go. Tell him he is wrong and you will not stand for it. Sometimes harsh is what they need to hear. I had to yell and scream at my hubby to get him to listen to me.


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Expose the A. Pretty sure this isn't just an EA.

Get your ducks in a row.

You can sit there and plan A til the cows come home, but if he wants to go you cannot stop him. In reality he has a right to leave because of your A. HOWEVER... he committed to the M after your A and then you both planned a baby. To me, once he got you pregnant, his right to just walk away was gone. Heck, a year after my FWH's A we were barely talking about it. Your A is just his excuse NOW as it will be forever. He will never own HIS A.

I still say plan A til the baby arrives and he has a chance to bond with him/her. See if anything changes. If not, go to plan B and find peace for you and your baby.


((((((PSC)))))))



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The day after H told me things were done I had a good talk with him through texting. Normally he doesnt reply much to me, but I wasnt offering much info so he started asking questions about my Dr. apt. It was odd to me b/c thats just not what he does. It was nice though b/c he was interested.

A little bit later he started texting me again about my sister. I had told her everything that was going on so when she came down for the birth she wouldnt be surprised. H wanted to know what all I told her and when she was coming. I told him I had let her know everything and that she had offered me a place to go live--no strings attached--if I needed a place. Ironically enough she lives about 2 hrs from where he is thinking of going in TX.

I think he got scared of me leaving right away and asked if I was, but I had told him originally that I would stay for a year so he could spend that first year with his child. I again told him this and he thanked me (first time I have gotten that).

He took something I wrote him wrong and started getting angry with me about trying to screw him in court with a D and how it wont make things easier. That was not what I was trying to get across and I told him.

I also told him that I was trying to stay friends with him and not cause arguements and how he is pushing me away and acting really stand-offish with me. He said he didnt know how to act and that things are complicated. I told him I wanted to be friends and that I need someone right now b/c I am pregnant, especially him. I was honest with him about being scared of having a child since I havent had one before and dont know what to expect other than what I am told. He said he would try harder to not be so upset at me and that he was sorry things are so f***** up.

I let him know that there are people who love him and want to see him be his old self again, but he has to let us back in. After that I dropped the issue. I didnt hear from him again until today, but he again started chit-chatting with me. I see this all as a positive thing. He is slowly coming around and being less irritated.

Since we are in lent right now I thought I would cook some fish for him on friday and see if he would even want to come by to eat. I invited him over for friday today and he said he probably would stop by. Im not expecting anything, but before I dont think he would have even attempted to come by.

I dont expect miracles right away, but this is a BIG change from the old H everyone has seen these past few months. One step at a time is my motto.

I feel alot better now and I have taken a step back and looked at myself to start making me better. I do feel much better about how I am acting.


Me: FWW 35
H: BS 33
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D-day: 4/10/08
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I just have to ask you something and I hope you won't get offended. Does your husband accept that this is his baby? I was looking at your dates, and D-day was close to the date you got pregnant. And after several years of no baby while married, he might be wondering.

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Believer, im not offended at all. I know how things look and H has thought it wasnt his child. I know for a fact that it is his. The last time I physically saw OM was in October of 07. Most of the A was over the internet.

H and I had taken a vacation to Las Vegas to get away and spend time with each other. It was a nice fun trip that was supposed to bring us closer...and now we have a child on the way.


Me: FWW 35
H: BS 33
Married 2002
DD: 3 yr old
D-day: 4/10/08
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Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
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