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I just want to caution you about an experience I have heard about and sadly can't remember if it was with someone I went out with one time or if it was a story I read here.

I know of a WH who called OW constantly during the birth of his child to reassure the OW that it wasn't over between them.

Expect heartache like this and be happy if it doesn't happen, but it could very well happen.

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So sorry you are going through this. Having the baby is all about you and your daughter. He has no right to be there since he is still wayward.

If you want him there, then that is fine.

On MB we have seen numerous women go through the same thing. Believe it or not, we have seen the OW waiting out in the parking lot, the husband talking on the phone to the OW during labor, the OW coming into the hospital to view the baby, and on and on.

Personally I would put up boundaries that if he wants to be present, the OW is COMPLETELY out of the picture.

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Thankfully she lives in another state so there is no way of her showing up. I do feel it needs to be addressed though.


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I would just come out and tell him. Look I don't want to make you angry, but I don't want her in any part of MY child's delivery. This is not about you, this is not about me, this is about OUR child and SHE has no part in it. Don't [censored] foot around. Just be firm and hold to that. I know you want him there but if he is going to disrespect this special time, then he needs to, as you said, "keep walking."


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She was scheduled to have the baby the 17th.

Hope all is well with Mom and baby.


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Yes, I've been thinking of her and our new MB baby. Hope everything is fine. I imagine she is busy recovering and getting to know her little one.

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yup I suspect she's got her hands full!!!


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This is just a quick update for everyone. I had the baby on the 17th. I ended up having to have an emergency c-section and things didnt go too well afterwards. My BP dropped extremely low and I kept trying to pass out and ended up passing a huge blood clot.

I am better now thankfully but recovery is a bit tough. My mom and sis were here for the week to help me out but both had to leave already.

H didnt come by that often after we came home from the hospital. Said he wanted to give me and my family some time together. He stayed with me every night at the hospital and helped me out alot while he was there. I can see he loves his daughter very much, but he is still so distant with me.

I ended up chickening out about talking to him. I wanted to see what he would do and he wasnt too bad, but still texted her a few times.

I know he loves his child very much and I am hoping to see him take some more initiative now that my family has left. This week is going to be an important one. His actions will tell alot about the future.


Me: FWW 35
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Hey!!!! It is so good to hear from you. Congratulations on your baby girl.

I hope she came out fine and healthy. What did you name her?

So, you are home so soon after a C-section? I really hope that you have someone to help you. This is going to be very hard.

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Congratulations PSC!!!

I'm glad you are home and doing better. I'm sure that was scary.

The next few weeks will show a glimmer of how things will be for awhile. If he doesn't cut things off with OW soon, then you'll be in this for the long haul. You'll probably have to go into Plan B because the drama will eventually take its toll.

Try not to think about WH and OW. Concentrate on your own healing and your beautiful little girl. Keep on track and don't let your thoughts get away from you. Focus on what's right there in front of you.

I'm sure this time of your life will be very trying. Happy but hard. We're here. You're not alone.

Keep us updated.


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Congrats on the baby. I hope everything is going well. I will keep you and your new little one in my prayers.


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We named her Shelby Elizabeth, and she is absolutely wonderful. I cant imagine ever not having her. Thankfully she is perfectly healthy and I am recovering.

I am taking it easy and H is going to come help out. How often we will see, but one of our neighbors said that if I need help at night to call. H works nights and he knows that im home alone. MIL cant really help me take care of her, but she can drive me around and pick things up for me if I need something.

This is my first night alone with her. Kinda scary but exciting that im getting the hang of this mother thing smile Im not sure if H was planning on coming here when he gets off work or not. We told him that this is her fussy time so maybe he will come help out.

All I keep thinking is..How can you bring this wonderful person into the world, love her, say you didnt realize how hard it would be to leave her, and then leave? Ive had her 6 days now and im hooked for life.


Me: FWW 35
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Its been almost a week since I came home from the hospital. H hasnt come by all that much and doesnt stay for very long at a time. He stayed with me one night and got to see exactly what having a baby means. The next night (last night) he said he was tired and going to stay at his moms. I felt like he didnt want to be bothered by having to take care of his child so he left it to me.

Well this morning at 4am she starts crying and wont stop. Typical baby stuff. I try everything I can to get her to calm down but nothing is working. About an hour in I notice my incision is leaking. Come to find out I have an infection. I called H at his moms, he tells me to call if I need anything. His response was..."what do you want me to do. Ill be over there when I get up." I was crying, scared, frustrated and hurt. I didnt realize it but I hung up on him. He called back wanting to know why and I told him I didnt realize I had, I just have a crying baby im trying to calm down.

H ended up coming over, letting me take care of myself. I made an apointment for the dr later and had to have it lanced...now im in more pain, having more complications from having HIS child that he isnt really into parenting. He loves her, that is plain to see, but doesnt realize what parenting responsibility is.

I got over all that, im hopefully going to be cleared up and not have anything else go wrong.

Tonight I found out by snooping on one of his accounts that he told someone he is single b/c he found out about another A I had....where he got this info I have no clue since its NOT true. He also said that we are separated and definately getting a divorce after the baby is a year old. And to top it all off he said he is trying to get back in to the dating scene. News to me since just the other day he told me he was not looking for any relationship, dating, etc. He just wants to do things for himself and be single for a while.

I am trying to stay positive through all this. I dont bother him with anything unless I really need him and it seems since we came home from the hospital that he feels like I did my duty bringing the child into this world so now he doesnt have to worry or care about me. Im so hurt right now.

I try to be caring about him and keep in contact with him, try to stay friendly, but I feel like a total fool. I know im going to have to Plan B, but I dont know how to with a new baby and needing his help. I dont feel like I can cut him off completely just yet and financially we are still together. I cant make it on my own, especially with a baby now.

And to top everything off, I found all the letters and cards he wrote me after the A was exposed. Letters he had written saying how much he loved me and wanted to work on our marriage no matter what and that now we could build it up better than before. I even found the one where he forgave me. I want to show him all of it and ask if it was all a lie or if he even meant it. Funny how just a few months after writting all of them he basically despises me.

I know my hormones are still out of whack from being pregnant, but I feel really hopeless right now.


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((((((PSC)))))))

I'm sorry this is so hard. It will continue to be I'm afraid. Personally, if my FWH could have gotten away with not taking care of our kids when they were babies he would have. From what I know of many others, it's typical. And because of your situation it'll be worse. You're not going to get much help from WH.

It's going to be very hard.

Quote
Tonight I found out by snooping on one of his accounts that he told someone he is single b/c he found out about another A I had....where he got this info I have no clue since its NOT true. He also said that we are separated and definately getting a divorce after the baby is a year old. And to top it all off he said he is trying to get back in to the dating scene. News to me since just the other day he told me he was not looking for any relationship, dating, etc. He just wants to do things for himself and be single for a while.


When you find things about your WH make a copy and keep it in a safe place. You are probably going to need it. A court would not be real happy with knowing that he wanted to reconcile, got you pregnant and then abandoned you for OW. So get a screen shot of the account and print it out. And save all of the letters he wrote to you. Put them all in a place that he cannot get to. It's time to protect you and the baby. That's got to be your focus.

I also think that you need to talk to your lawyer. You need to find out where you stand. A lawyer can tell you alot about what will happen if...

It will put your mind at ease knowing that you WILL be ok if he doesn't come back. I think you need to do that soon. Also start to journal all of this. Write down dates and times he visits, unkept promised visits, etc. Document everything.

Quote
I want to show him all of it and ask if it was all a lie or if he even meant it.


It won't make any difference so don't. I know you are hurt and your emotions are all over the place. But you have to start getting yourself in a place where what HE does doesn't matter...plan B. That's why I say go to a lawyer. Find out how you will get by financially and find out what a court could get your WH to do.

Try to get as much sleep as you can. Sleep when she sleeps.

Try to eliminate the other stresses. Try NOT to think about WH.

Right now it's you and Shelby.

(((((PSC)))))



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So sorry you're going through this. It's time for your H to grow up. Time for him to take responsibility.

You may need a lawyer to establish that.

I think you will help yourself tremendously from an emotional standpoint if you start to assume you will get zero help from your H.

Expect nothing from him and you won't be disappointed when he fails to be a responsible dad.

He's setting himself up for failure in family court and men like him are the ones that make it hard for men like me who actually give a rat's a$$ about our kids.

You can follow Plan A, but a newborn baby is tough to deal with on top of an idiot husband.

Keep records and keep the docs.

Here's a little help on dealing with a crying baby.

Wrap her tightly in her blankets. Try the rocking. One thing that works very well, surprisingly well, is to put the baby on her side, rock her, and then shush steadily into her ear.

She might be overwhelmed by the silence she's hearing and needs white noise. You'll be giving her that by shushing steadily directly (and softly) in her ear.

White noise of any kind helps as well. We use to turn on a blow dryer on cold which also worked.

Kids find comfort in the oddest things, but white noise is a big one. So try the shushing and the blow dryer or get a white noise maker.

A lot of times figuring out why a baby is crying is a process of elimination. A good chunk of the times it is hunger. Other times it's just wanting to be held. Other times it's gas.

Try the methods I suggest and if you're reaching your wits end, then put the baby down, let her cry, and walk outside and get a few minutes of silence. No baby ever died from crying. You need the break now and then to keep yourself in check.

Your fuse is short right now with a wayward H in the picture.

Have any family nearby?

If he's going to be wayward and give you no help, then I suggest moving to where you have family or seek out his family, if you get along with them.

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I had actually thought about keeping a log of the times he comes to help out. Im glad I was thinking in the right direction. I have all the cards, letters, notes he has written me in a folder. I keep every momento like that for sentimental reasons, never thought I would need them for a fight.

Thank you baron for your advice. She does respond to the shushing, but the littlest move I make after she falls asleep wakes her up again and we start the process all over again. Ironically enough when H is here and he does it she falls instantly asleep and doesnt wake up. Seems she misses her daddy. Wish he would understand that.

I know she needs to cry sometimes, but it is hard hearing that. Going outside is a good idea. It wouldnt be so bad if I could get out of the house once in a while, but since I cant drive for another week im stuck. MIL wants to help but unfortunately she has bronchitis atm and doesnt want to give it to us.

I am coping pretty good so far. It is hard, but seeing her sweet face helps. I never thought H would be acting like he is towards her. He was so excited about having a baby until this all started.


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He's wayward PSC, all that matters to him is HIM.

It's not that unusual for a young father to kinda "run away" from a newborn. They are not as bonded as the mothers yet and they're not real sure where they fit in, especially if the mother is breastfeeding(don't know if you are). If you are, you might want to get a pump so he can feed her too. That will help with the bonding between them.

I'm sorry that you don't have much help right now. Definitely keep Shelby away from all sick people. It's hard enough with a newborn, you don't want a sick newborn. Don't try to do any housework or anything that is unnecessary. Let it all go and just take care of the two of you. Once she gets into a routine and you get adjusted, you'll find the time to do other things.





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Ah, Shelby, I like that name.

Be sure to keep a diary of what she does and when. You think you will never forget, but you do.

Hubby is still wayward, so don't expect much at all from him. These weeks are the hardest with a new little one. The white noise thing sounds good, maybe a fan or something. We used to take our first out in a boat, and he slept the whole time from the rumble of the motor.

My sons' dad didn't help at all with them when they were babies, so that is not uncommon.

Don't know if you have any little girls in the neighborhood. I used to pay one little girl to babysit while I was home so I could take a luxurious bath, get out in the yard, etc.

Establishing a routine is good - like get her up in the AM, feed her, sing to her, read to her, have playtime, then nap, lunch, more together time, dinner and bath, music and bed. Or however you want to do it. Young ones usually get into the routine quickly if it is always the same.

Try to rest when she does, and forget the housework. That will wait until she is a teen and is always out with her friends. If you want to get a little done, set a timer and spend 5 minutes in each room every day. That will keep things picked up enough.

You may be able to do it to some music that she likes and that may keep her happy. Crying is good for her lungs, but I'm like you, didn't let mine cry. I wrapped mine both in a sling and carried them around everywhere with my hands free.

See if you can hookup with some other mom's for a playgroup when she is a bit older. I took care of another baby my son's age from the time he was 2 months old until he was 18 months. It was lots of fun seeing them grow together.

In another month she should be sleeping all night and that will be easier on you. Try to enjoy this time with her - as they always say, it slips by too fast.

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PCS,

You should be very proud of yourself. You really do have a lot on your plate right now.

It's hard being a new mom in the best of situations.
Being a new mom by yourself .... just wrong.
Recovering from a section birth on it's own is tough.
A post infection ... one more straw on the camel's back.

All of these things, on their own, are stressful.
Together, can really test your coping skills.
You sound pretty grounded and this is why you should pat yourself on the back. hug

Please come to these boards with any, absolutely any questions, venting, sadness, happiness, ... whatever!

Know that you are at high risk for emotional turmoil, and seek whatever support you can. Don't be afraid to call the O.B. ward at the hospital or your GP for any advice with regards to Shelby Elizabeth or yourself. BTW, I love that name too. smile If they don't have the answer, they will be able to direct you to someone who does.

You've gotten some really good advice from everyone, there are many people here with babe experience.
One thing I used to do was vacuum when my babes were sleeping. They didn't seem to startle so much if there was a noise later when they were napping. Right now for you, no vacuuming.

As a mother of sons, I would be livid if one of my boys behaved like your young man. He'd be shamed to a piece of dirt after I was through with him .... it would be a LB fest.

You take good care. hug hug hug






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Thank you everyone for your encouragement and support. It is hard, but I am learning alot about myself now. As scarey as all this is, my daugher takes alot of fears away when I look at her. She is so beautiful.

On a funny note, my sister told me before I gave birth that she wasnt buying anything that said cute baby on it. She said she would only after seeing her b/c some babies arent cute and she doesnt want to say mine is if she wasnt. Well, my sis loves my daughter so much that she put her pic as her desktop default on her work comp...lol. Guess the whole cute issue didnt matter and she is so proud. (I will say my daughter is pretty darn cute though smile )


Me: FWW 35
H: BS 33
Married 2002
DD: 3 yr old
D-day: 4/10/08
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