so, hey.

I'm the WW. I'm new to all the acronyms, so I'm sorry if it takes me a bit to get in to this.

I've committed to repair of the marriage. BH is a good man, we have a good life and beautiful children. I've had my first call with Dr. H and have read most of 'surviving an affair'.

I asked BH for some pointers so that I can have the best chance of success and he suggested these forums. So, here I am.

I see a lot of people talking about the WS on here - and how everything that is done and said by the WS can be spot on, but not be enough.

I humbly request advice. whatever it may be.

thanks,
cohosalmon

Coho,

Have you instituted NC (No Contact)? That is first and foremost the most important thing you need to do. After that, you must offer 100% complete transparency to your BH. He should have access to your cell records, email accounts, etc. Anything he wants to see whenever he wants to see it. Your life must be an 'open book'.

You are going to get some 2x4's (whacks on the head) from time to time. Some posters may make you feel defensive. Try not to react quickly and defensively. Read and re-read the posts that make you feel defensive. Often these are the ones that are hitting closest to home and may just be the ones you need to pay most attention to.

You have a long road ahead of you. It's a marathon not a sprint. Coming here was a good step.

Best of luck.

Mindshare

I think it's great that you are here and wanting to work on your M.

As a BS, I have a great deal of respect for the fact you are willing to try to fix what has gone wrong in your M.

It may be hard however I hope you find the trip worth the effort.

Does your BH post here? Who is he?

Coho,

You should also provide details here so posters know the background and can really help you. How long have you been married? Kids? How many? How long was the affair? EA (emotional affair)? PA (Physical affair)? How did you meet OM (other man)? Do you work with him? Who knows about the affair besides BH? Friends? Family?

Mindshare

yeah - we've done the transparency and no contact. BH has all passwords, we share banking and my phone is always available. we got in a fight this weekend and I called the OM and did see him, and that started everything over again this weekend.

so, we have NC starting over. we have transparency. BH is considering divorce papers (I think he's having them drawn up just incase) and I'm here trying - and I expect the 2x4s.

I'm willing to show that I can do this.

I can't help but be concerned about all the divorce threads and the "I still can't move on" threads from both sides even after years. I love being married and really do want it - but when you see people on here seemingly limping along (perhaps more often just venting?) it's a painful reality.

thanks,
cohosalmon

in regards to more info:

Met BH 10 years ago
married almost 6 years ago
I have a 14 year old from a previous - I expect you'll find telling that I was married when I met BH.
We have a 4.5 year old and a 3 year old.
Affair not quite 5 months - PA was first 2 months of that, emotional last 3 months
everyone knows. all family, all friends.
met other man through mutual friends at a bar I used to go to but no long go to

yes, BH posts here. I actually don't know his log-on but assume I could figure it out if need be.

I'm sure he will find this first.

thanks,
cohosalmon

Big surprise it's happened again, huh?

Does your BH post on these boards?

Coho:

Get ready for the whole inventory from Home Depot.

If every time you get in a fight you turn to OM?

Then there will ALWAYS be a reason to fight.

And this is a repeating pattern for you.

Are you truly willing to fix yourself?

Honesty.
Humility?
Care?

Don't worry about the thread about BH's who can't "get over it"

Running back to OM everytime is an excellent reason WHY they can't "get over it"

Read the threads about WW's who "got over it"

LG

Coho,

This is going to get ugly quick. Get out your hard hat. But most importantly, LISTEN to what people are saying!! Really, genuinely listen and think about what is said to you.

If you want to be married then why the h@ll are you repeatedly running around and cheating on your husbands?

Mindshare

I am one of the one's who cant get over it. Let me share why.

My WW never did NC, she told me she would, I was there when she made a call to OM saying NC. That was staged for me. Was easy for her to see him the next day and start up again.

My WW didn't belive and still does not to this day ever think I would have a right to invade her privacy! I never wanted to do so, I just wanted the truth, and the truth can hurt a lot.

She won't be treated like a child, I should just trust her that she has nc.

I often would check and snoop, the reason for her just wanting me to trust her was she was not swapping recipies with friends. She had contact, and a lot of it.

For me, and I speak for no one else, without NC and a true open and honest relationship, it will go no where.

Anytime you run back to the OM, you will put a wedge between you and your H that at times can destroy the foundation that your M was built on. Without that it gets hard.

Just my thought.

oh, crap.

ok.

well, BH is zenwolf.

so,

yeah. I don't know. nah, that's a cop-out. I do know. I like validation, albeit in unhealthy ways at times.

let's get this clear, I have not been cheating (on either) all along - just when I decide I want out I move on. Not excusing it, just trying to make sure we understand I'm not an open market.

I just read BH's thread - well a good bulk of it. I can see I'm due for a thrashing, but will listen and take it and absorb it and apply it.

thanks,
cohosalmon

all accounts, email, phone, banking have been freely given.

I am truly, deeply sorry. being defensive is a good tip-off. not the only one. I'm a proud, fiercely independant person - and have difficulty giving up control - have had cognative behaviorism for anxiety years ago (control freak). so, just because I'm controling and proud, doesn't necessarily mean I'm WW, but in conjunction what has been done - I have no right and give visibility.

HTH
cohosalmon

yep, thought so.

I am very glad for zenwolf's sake you are here.

To be honest, I don't see how he could expect that you are serious about making the kinds of changes necessary to keep a good man like him at your side, but again I am glad you are here.

He is too good a man to be put through this.

I'll shut up for awhile....

I so, utterly did not mean 'get over it' - even I know that is inappropriate.

I am still in fear mode but determined.

thanks,
cohosalmong

Hi Cohos,

I think I know you quite well from his posts.

Please endure the insults that is going to come your way. We are a marriage building community and folk do this to steer you into the right direction.

As I recall, your independent behaviour is a chief problem for you husband. We agree. Forgo all other contact and for a 25-30 hour weekly contact time.

Your husband has been disabled by your actions.

Fix him. He loves you.

I have a question,

Did you or did you not have an A?

yes. absolutely.

thank you.