With my D in the works, my WW is not aware of this as of yet, I guess the question is, do I tell her of my plans for the big D?

I have no idea of how she will react when she gets served, do I say anything to try and prevent a fight, should I care if it is hard or uncomfortable for her when it happens.

Do I tell my girls about it ahead of time, or do I just stay dark about it all and let whatever happens happen?

You are going to need to have a couple of different responses prepared.

I would suggest one that basically tells her. " Come on honey, you were only kidding about reconciling. I mean you don't offer reconciliation when you are arranging to sleep with multiple other men. You will be much happier free.

The other one is if she gets angry,

But honey. We tried reconciling twice, and you were still arranging to have sex with men you had never met. I'm lonely, and I want to give my life to woman who loves me, and isn't interested in having sex with strangers all the time, like you. I could never be comfortable being back with you again. The amount of tests for STDs that I would be required to take, would drive me bankrupt. Then I wouldn't be able to provide for our daughters.

Just understand, that she will beg and plead probably. Tell her you will think about it. But the whole time continue on with the divorce. Hell, who knows that this may not actually get her to look in the mirror and see what she has become.

Thanks for the input, I'm sure it will be a blow up, just want to be ready for it.

thanks.

L2M,

I don't recall the age of your children, but I would tell them ahead of time what your plans are and why. Do it in an age appropriate manner, in fact perhaps doing it with a counselor there might help, depending on their age and what their knowledge level of your W's behavior actually is.

God Bless,

JL

And if she blows up, then so what?

Remember, you're striving for indifference.

So she rants and raves. Hang up on her and see what's on the History Channel. You've been divorced for years. It just hasn't been official.

So now it will be.

You don't have to listen to a word she says.

That is true, I don't have to listen to anything she say's to me.

As for my girls, they are 10 and eight.

Having an official person who works with the court system tell me that I don't have to talk to the ex unless there is blood on the floor or someone about to die was the most liberating thing I could have ever heard.

It helped me realize that I gave her power by getting upset or by defending anything.

The pettiness hasn't ended. I had her drop my kids off, per our court order, to me a few weekends ago. We're supposed to meet about halfway.

I emailed her to see if she was willing to meet me at the halfway mark or at the closer location if she was going to come to the town I live in.

She told me to go to the halfway mark, which is a 30 minute drive.

What happened?

I got the kids and she passed me on my way back to my town. She made me drive an extra 20 minutes that i didn't have to drive. I started getting upset, but then told myself "He who angers you controls you" and reminded myself that such pettiness is to be expected from her.

A snake is a snake and you can't fault it for being a snake.

Your WW is a WW and will stay a WW and will continue to act as a WW and forever feel entitled.

But, Lie2Me, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! THINGS WOULD BE GREAT IF YOU ONLY DID THINGS HER WAY!

You long nose haired, no floor mopping freak! Poo on you!

Indifference. Apathy. A look of boredom shold be all that's on your face.

She rants and raves and yells while you simply look straight ahead and wonder, "what IS the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

Baron, I love your posts as they all hit home.

A snake is a snake and it will always be a snake.

I am working hard on letting everything roll off my back. It is still hard, yet I am getting better.

As for the pettines, I see that all the time.

St. Patricks day she had the kids the night before and called me and asked me to bring my young one's green Lu Lu lemon sweater for her, I said in the most polite way possible, since you need to go right past my house to drop them at school, why don't you just pop in here and grab it on the way, it would save me an hour round trip in traffic right now.

her response was hmmf, oh come on, cant you just bring it over now.

I did, for my daughter or she would not have had anything to wear that was green.

She is bery petty.

This was odd for me,

The WW called from a number I don't know, so I answered, smart on her part.

She went into a long speach about how much she has changed so much, how she is a good mom, her new found honesty and so on.

At the end of it she asked me why I don't seem to care, why am I not standing up and saying how proud I am of her. Her new bf is proud, why can't I be?

I said good for you. That's it, thats all I said.

Then her speach went into why don't I love her? Why am I so cold towards her and it went on and on.

At the end I said I will have the girls call her to say goodnight before bed.

She has not called back yet.

I think that went well.

I didn't get angry, mad, sad or anything. I was completley emotionaly blank towards her.

Don't think she liked it, but she has not called back.

"completley emotionaly blank towards her"

that is an excellent approach - keep it up

if you show her one moment of caring, she will use a crow bar to pry you open

she is an emotional vampire

Thanks pep,

Thats my new game plan.

Good way of handling that. Another good response would be, "Do you have anything regarding the children which you wish to discuss?"

If she says no, then say, "Ok. Goodnight then."

And then hang up. Ignore any further calls after that.

Watch as she gets nuttier and nuttier as you fail to respond to her cries for attention.

And she has a lot of gall to actually tell you that her boyfriend is happy for her. Or did you mean best friend? BF?

No her boyfriend. She has no friends that don't start with boy.


I like that, it's very direct and to the point without being rude.

Thanks for the input.

Seriously, after a while you'll feel like your conversations with her are a giant waste of time. You'd rather be doing other stuff.

So try my suggestion for the next time and watch the fireworks fly.

I will try it, I already feel like conversations with her are a waste of time.

It has been a long time since I have looked forward to her calls.

I was just reading the Madona Whore Syndrome that Believer started and it made me think alot.

Why did I marry a sleazy woman?

I am not a stupid man, clues were all over the place if I had taken the time to pay attention to them. I do think if I spent the time to look more I would have seen what I needed to see.

Don't get me wrong or take this the wrong way, I ended up with the best of it, two DD's that are the light of my life.

But what I see now makes me wonder how I could have been so blind?

She had her first A that I know of just after second DD was born.

two years after that the full blown A that I found out about all on my own. Should I have noticed the signs?

All her other men do.

Her first guy ran as fast as he could according to my WW when she finaly told me about it.

Her second A was over after 1 year, thats when reality came into affect. She wanted what he didn't. She wanted to be a part of is family, he would have none of it, she was great as a side item, not a main dish.

From there she went to her boss with whom she had a three year A that just ended in Oct last year when he fired her, she wanted more, and he was unwilling to leave his family for her.

In between that she had met a guy where sparks flew, he was her soulmate, her soulmate as long as she was not a part of his life outside the bedroom. His family was offlimit to her.

Her next soulmate was a real winner. Again all about sex, they has a six month fling that ended after they brought a PRO in to help them with a fantasy. He dumped her right after and in his email dump told her she had gone too far as the next day she was in a hot tub without him, however she was with two other couples, and it was a party, with all five ending up in one bed.

None of this is new, I must have been blind to so much to marry a woman all these other men run from.

How did I miss the signs?
Why do I still have feelings for her?
WHY, WHY, WHY.

I thank god everyday for my girls, but WHY?

My god, I have never felt as stupid as I do now.

It's not like her wanten life started after we got married.

It was there all the time, and knowing what I am aware of now is realy just killing me inside.

I have always thought of myself as fairly bright, untill today.

I am disgusted by the thought of ever having touched her.

I am even more upset by the fact I still have feelings for her.

My god, how stupid am I.

Lie2Me,

You're being too hard on yourself and are also experiencing something that many of us have felt regarding an ex.

I had an ex fiance who was hot. Her looks overrode her crazyness. She was exciting.

You might be drawn to drama. A normal woman might appear boring to you. While drama queens are exciting when things are good, but it sucks when they aren't.

OR you have White Knight Syndrome, which I shared with you.

The secret now is to not repeat the behavior in future relationships.

My therapist has told me that focusing on the why isn't as important as just not doing the destructive behavior anymore.

But that's some history with your WW. This one sounds like a lost cause.

You're in your early 40s. Women in their 30s rock, for the most part.

Not telling you to go out and test the waters, but things are good out here once you're ready.

You need to heal first. That means a loooooong break from dating.

I know I am being hard on myself, that post realy struck a coard with me, and I felt very stupid. Still do.

I understand about not repeating the same behavior, and I am focused not to do so. I dont think I am drawn to drama, perhaps White knight Syndrome, although if either of those were issues I was dealing with I know I wont ever go through this again.

As for her, she is a lost cause.

The good part is my two DD's.

I guess everything is worth it for them.

Well the DD's go see the WW today after school.

this is the past I fear the most. I fear what she will say and do. She is not a mother to the kids in anyway, well in my opinion anyway.

It's the attitude that my oldest comes home with that realy is hard to deal with.

I don't know if it's anger at her mom, anger at me or what it is, yet it always takes a day, sometimes two days before she act's like herself again.

She could spend an hour with the WW and come home a differant kid.

Don't get it.