She has to agree to no contact with OM. Plan A is designed to show her that you are the better alternative. Exposure will help the no contact. Remember, she didn't leave you, she committed adultery. She wanted both. She didn't give you up for the other man. She might have been afraid of losing you and hurting you. Wait and see what she says when she gets home. Most importantly stay calm and strong.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Exposure makes the infidel furious

stay calm
breathe

no one can stay furious forever ... being furious is exhausting ... consumes a lot of energy ... let the furious infidel fume and exhaust his/her self

YOU stay cool

You will hear:

"That's it. We are never going to stay married after what YOU did."
"I am moving out now, thanks to you."
"You are getting OP in trouble at home."
"Now our kids will have a broken home thanks to you."

blah blah blah

You respond to all the raging comments: I am still holding out hope for our marriage.

You stay calm

You don't argue

You don't explain

You do not preach

You do not educate

~and~ you do NOT apologize for standing up for truth and marriage and keeping your family intact

YOU calmly re-state your belief that there is hope for the marriage ....

if things get out of hand ... excuse yourself and go for a walk or a drive ...

remember ... exposure makes the already foggy spouse act insane ... but it is temporary

I'm sorry BHFF, No one is getting any pleasure about you being wrong. First off, if you are afraid of her being angry because she is riding someones member, you are in sad shape. She has lost all respect for you, you cannot get it back by crying and fearing that you will lose her. Personally she would be out on her a$$ it was me. You need to man up. You need to tell her she stop or you out her to her whole work. You need be more concerned about your own self respect then your love for her. Because without self respect you won't have her love either.

And I am not talking about yelling or cursing. Keep a cool head. If she says "you ruined two families" calmly get up in her grill and tell her. "the moment you took off your panties and spread your legs for that man, is the moment you ruined two families", You have to display backbone. The way you have acted so far tells me that you may have never stood up to her b4. You will do it now, or you will lose her.

If she says "I'm leaving". Dispassionately say, "can I help you pack? If she says "I want a divorce" tell her "file and I'll sign". You now have seen just what putting her rings back on meant. If she takes them off again. Put them in a safety deposit box. If you stand strong, you have a chance of coming through this, if you let her eat cake you will slowly lose her. But this is all up to you. If you cower in front of her she will bolt. If you cling and cry she will bolt. If you stand strong and man up, you have a fair chance.

Wow! Do you have my livingroom bugged? Those are almost the exact words that my husband used on dday. When I offered a chance at forgiveness he was blown away and unconvinced. He didn't believe it right away but he stuck around to try.

God Bless you and your family

I don't agree with this advice at all. She is expecting you to want a divorce. That is why she lied about it. I wouldn't even talk about her leaving or divorce. In fact, when my husband mentioned divorce on dday, I told him that I would never agree to a divorce. That he would have to file and that I would fight it with everything that I could. I also had physical evidence that I would use in court. We are in a fault state. I told him that I didn't want a divorce and would do everything possible to make it the messiest most difficult divorce he had ever seen. I told him that it was a big decision and he owed me a chance to make it work after all the good years that we had. It helped that OW had dumped him by text message after I called her and told her that I would share my evidence with her husband if she ever contacted my husband in any way again.

WW might say: "I want a divorce."

YOU respond: "I don't do divorce. I will fight for our family."

I guess you are the one who has to make the decision. You tried the loving supportive "I will love her back". Wrong. She does not respect you. At this point a lot of things are going said. Its called brinksmanship. You did exactly the right thing in confronting them. You chopped a hole in the roof of the affair and you let a lot of heat out of it. It will be much more difficult for them now. And regarding filing. A lot can happen between filing and signing. First off. He has to protect himself financially. She can charge and spend and he pays for half. He needs to at least talk to lawyer to find out what his rights are. There is nothing wrong with righteous anger if it is under control.

Ouch,
At this point BFF is in Plan A, and that is making himself look better than the OM.
No, WW does not respect him now or she wouldn't be cheating .... but she will respect him later for fighting for his M.

BFF,
I'm sorry that you are back here. You feel better now because everyone has given you a plan that you can follow.

After exposure my WH screamed, was vile with adjectives, didn't want his name ran thru the mud,blah blah blah, even threw his glass of milk at me (it hit the window), but WS's change into monsters. They really do.

Ignore it, don't take it personally, we all know how hard this is.

Please don't use the comeback about the 'panties being taken off', that is not part of Plan A.

You can do this, you really can.

Like exposure works ... this will work too, just not overnight.

You may all feel that I am to confrontational. Maybe I opine just enough righteous anger to straighten his spine so he doesn't end up begging on his knees. He may not use my words. But hopefully it is in the back of his mind when she goes off on him.

BHFF,

You said

All I can say is

OK! I can say something else... ALRIGHT

BHFF, you have done the single most important thing to save your marriage. Your W is hot, she is mad, she will never speak to you again, she will cherish her vows, she will be faithful, she will say you are a lousy husband.

Notice anything in that list??? Yup, she lies. What she says now in the negative is just a valid as her marriage vows were.

Here is a quote for you to consider.

She is NOT indifferent now and that means you have a better chance than since this mess started. When she yells, just nod knowingly and say to yourself "Yup, she is out of withdrawal and she is focusing on me...at last."

That is the point, you are her focus now, and that is the way it is supposed to be. As others have said, your marriage can survive mad, it cannot survive unfaithful.

You are doing just great, hang in there, you are about to learn about the famous "rollercoaster".

God Bless,

JL

I know. I slammed BFF earlier for the same reason.
He's got it now, or for now.

Just Learning is right BFF ... WW ready to stroke out, this is the desireable response. She will cool down.

Where did he confront them? I hope it was in the lobby of their work place.

If BHFF is in Plan FU than he can go to town. If he wants to try and recover the M, the best thing he can do it throw a raging WW off balance by being appearing calm and collected. During this inital confrontation she's not going to hear anything he says...her mind is already made up...he's the bad guy for exposing her. She can self implode or explode all on her own. WW is looking for a fight and won't know what to do with herself if he refuses to engage.

BHFF, don't offer WW help to leave. If she wanted to leave, she'd be gone already. If she wants to leave now, let her. You can not hold her hostage in your M.

She will hurl all sort of craziness your way. You can not afford to cave out of fear. But it is pointless to engage in a conversation with a crazy person.

No ouchthat hurt I will not take your advice and stoop to the level that you are suggesting. You are right. I needed to man up. That I did. But I will not participate in some childish game. I will be open and honest and ask for the same. I will be a good husband and father. (a better of both because now I am protecting my family) But Plan A is in effect. I understand the depth of your pain and feel for you. But now is the time to define "a man". A man is honest, trustworthy, and has integrity. A man stands up for those around him, defends himself and his family. A man will not belittle his spouse, will not treat her that way, no matter how she treats me. If she chooses to treat me that way then I need to get out and find someone who wants to be treated with respect and love, the way I want to be treated. So no I will not use your words, but have found my spine. We are deep in the bowels of the devil, fire is raging around us, and my crew is depending on me. I will use the same courage and determination that my crew would expect of me in this situation. Thank you ouchthathurt.

AMEN to that

as always use what you can. And toss the rest. She's your wife. You sound a lot more composed now then you were a couple of hours ago. Call me the other end of the spectrum. Maybe I add a little balance?

For the story, the keylogger revealed what I needed to know. The first step I took was to block his number from her phone. Than I called him got lucky enough that his wife was sitting there with him and told him in no uncertain terms to go away, she heard so the heat is on him. I get a bit of guilty satisfaction from that, the fact you could hear the fear and squirming in his voice. Now I pray for their marriage and mine, and hope God can show us both the way. When she tried to text him it came back blocked and she called me. Oh boy is she mad. But she did agree to come home and listen to what I have to say. Calm cool collected.
Something like this-

You can earn my trust again.
I still love you.
We can have a better, happier marriage.
I will not apologize for what I did.
I did what I did to protect my family and my boys, nothing is more important in this world than you and those two hellions sleeping in their beds.

Pray for me!

Maybe. Ouchthathurt I would walk into a burning building with you any day. But I think I might have to hold you back a little.