Your WS response is pretty typical. When they lose their secret life, they miss it and feel trapped at first. That is okay. She can be mad. She should be. At first they all hate exposure and defend OP. That does fade as they work through withdrawal. Living a transparent life forces them to just live the one life that they were avoiding to some extent. This is all part of withdrawal and the early phases after discovery. The most important thing right now is to maintain N/C to make sure that the affairs stays over. Don't expect much from wife right now. You have the rest of your life to work on the marriage. Save it first. She is not in a place to meet your needs until the affair ends and she goes through withdrawal.

Anger is normal but be careful with it. Don't let it turn into a lovebuster. It will take time until she lets you meet her needs. She may not be interested in meeting yours for several months. This takes time and will be very frustrating to you. Your lovebank will feel very low at times. Be prepared for the long haul. This is a marathon. You may feel like you are the only one trying for a long time. It is not fair. It is just the way that it seems to be in the early months. If the affair is really over, things will get easier - it isn't fast though.

So-how quickly things happen. OMW filed for divorce. Ex-parte against him, kicks him out of house, bans contact with his kids. Story I am getting is he was in an abusive relationship with her. Anyway. OM calls WW says stay away, move shifts, whatever so WW can work on our marriage to keep it from being like his. Irony? WW is mad, less at me now more at herself. She still is deep in fog, but we have talked long and hard about this and at first she wanted to move out, but I have delayed that, we are going to work harder on this when she is ready. So for me-More Plan A, no lovebusters try to be the husband and friend I should have been. BTW our current counselor is great, I hope I can get WW wife back in when some of this emotion clears.

Plan A in full effect, carrot and stick.
The hard part-I am supporting her through the loss of her OM! For anyone who hasn't been here it does help to think of this as an addiction. Something that is so controlling and insidious that it almost cant be managed.

My Taker is pretty pissed that I am giving all of the love but not getting any love in return, but as my counselor said-you cant make anybody do anything. They will only do what they want. Giving love is all a spouse can do in any situation and teach the other spouse how they want to receive love. Anyway-

OM is screwed. OMW had set him up for this long ago. He had no idea where the money was, where the bills where. She has cleaned him out. I feel bad for him. (pathetic, huh?) She has isolated him from his kids with the ex-parte. I know he is not violent or a threat, but OMW is a [censored]. She has a right to be mad, but no right to isolate him from his children. If all people were adults the world would be an easier place to live.

I do think there is a difference between LBs and being honest. If your wife gives you attitude or whines about how OM is being treated. I don't think there is a problem with pointing out the fact that she was one of MANY women he had done this to. And that she is just as culpable of what has happened to his family. And yours.

You spoiled your wife to some extent by always giving in to her wishes. This put you in the submissive role, which made her lose all respect for you. If I can ask a question. What exactly are your plans to gain that respect back? Without it, love cannot survive. She has treated you with contempt and still does. Do you think you can plan A with a woman who doesn't respect you?

I think being honest about my emotions and not cowering in fear of making her mad is the number one thing. Being strong and not backing off of my opinion (and still trying to see her side, thats communication) and being a good man (see earlier definintion). Thats who I am. By being who I am, honestly, that gives her the option of deciding if she wants to continue. Isnt that what plan A is? Get her out of the fog, and let her think clearly about the situation and let her make a clear decision?

And you know he's not violent or a threat ... how? Because WW told you so?

People who are submissive to their spouses have opinions. Their spouses just don't respect them. She will make a clear decision. She will stay because it suits her. That doesn't mean it will lead to respect. The problem is BHFF, you do not require her to respect you. Do you? There are no consequences to her actions. She knows that you will forgive her. That my friend, is cheap grace. She will not value your forgiveness, because it required nothing of her to get it.

Its like a child who is given everything without working for it. They do not value it because it cost them nothing. That is what the situation is with you and your wife.

The biggest problem I see here is YOU! Your M has no chance as long as your WW works with OM and you refuse to grow a pair.

How can she get out of the fog if she continues to work with the OM every day? Can a falling down drunk sober up and "think clearly" if they go to the bar every day and drink? BHFF, you are more foggy than your wife, I am afraid. You have no plan here; HOPE is not a plan. It is an EXCUSE to avoid taking action.

t/j hey UVA! LTNS! Great to see you around, friend.

Tj: Mel, I see that you are still giving out great advice. Nice to hear from you.

First. left out of other posts-I do know other man, have known him longer than her, not naive I doubt this his is first affair.

Second-work exposure has happened

Ouchthathurt- Who said I was being submissive? If I have learned anything from you it is to let my "balls" down. I have never told her what they did was right, she has said it was wrong I agreed and confirmed it. The pain being caused by the A is their fault and I have said that in no uncertain terms. Our conversation Fri Morn was about separation and what was going to happen. Also effects to kids on both sides as this is going on. It was a long open and honest conversation. We had a good night last night sitting and talking after the OB (ornery boys) went to bed. Plan A is working. The stick is in effect as well as the carrot.

She is looking for other employment, BTW.

Wow, sounds like you mean it. Glad to hear that you have set clear boundaries. Are you going to make her work to get you back? Have you finished being afraid of losing her, and are more committed to doing what is right for your own self respect? If so, that is great. Are you seeing any contrition or sorrow yet, other then sorrow that she got caught or that she can't keep working there? This sounds positive.

As I read Plan A-
The carrot is on my part now, until she gets over the "addiction". Ensuring that this marriage is someplace she wants to be.
The stick is to ensure the affair is over, no contact, and for her to realize what she loses by chasing the affair, something that is not real.

As far as sorrow and contrition, yes. Fri Morn and Sat morn were filled with sorrow over the hurt caused to everyone, including me.

After a while of discussing though I did let the that discussion die for now, I dont think continually beating her up for days is going to help her or me.

Our talk last night was just married people's wandering conversation, work, kids, friends, life. You know the conversation that doesnt really go anywhere just rambles from topic to topic and feels good to be close and intimate with your spouse. She had a huge smile on her face when we went to bed and told me she loved me. When I asked her about her smile she just said "oh I dont know".

So yes, clear boundaries have been set, with the consequences of crossing those boundaries. At the same time we are rebuilding our friendship and intimacy.

The hurt and anger are still there. But that is something we both have to work through. I am realizing the length of this process, and admire anyone who has stuck through it and made a better marriage.

Happy Easter to All.
To quote my grandfather:
Only one person was ever perfect and he died for us a long time ago. All the rest of us can do is be a poor imitation.

Very positive. Especially the smile. Have you been able to be intimate yet? Does she seem clingy? These would be good signs. Also if you could get the OMW e-mail you with his other affairs. This could help also. I am not saying to rub your wife's face in it, but it would be good for her to know that she was just another piece to him. This could increase her thankfulness for you (which is what you really want to see, thankfulness).

What did you mean by second workplace exposure?

Just numeric points. I dont know that OM has had other affairs, just suspicions. Not clingy, and not intimate yet. The emotion of Fri and Sat has both of us drained.

Help! OM contacted WW today. Told her that she needed to stay in marriage to avoid the trouble he is in. Told her to give me time to show her what kind of husband I could be. The same things I told her Friday. Now WW thinks him and I are conspiring against her. What the hell is going on? Why would I contact him? She is so angry, convinced that I contacted him. I agreed not to contact him as long as no contact between them. I have not. Why would I? Why would I talk to him?

What to do?

Help

What a weasel! He's full of BS (and not the hurting kind). He just wanted to get his fix of your WW. How did he contact her? Can you plug that hole? Ignore your WW's anger, she's reaching for something to be angry about that will take the focus off of her.

You I dont think he is. I know that he is devastated by his loss and is actually pushing WW away. She is probably angry because of that. I hope.

You can actually use that to your advantage.

I often tell people here who are especially headstrong about not wanting to do THEIR work, 'If 99 people in a room of 100 say one thing, and the 100th says something else, who do you think sees it correctly?'

If you AND OM see things the same way, (you can tell her), you can bet you're probably right.

I think that is what really peeves her. That where she went to get needs met is now telling her the same thing that I am. Sorry about yesterday's post, Saturday was so good, I lost my mind when it went south. I dont know that it went south as bad as my mind played it to be. She is really angry, but she hasn't left.

Now since this is turning to Plan A I have a question for the experienced members-

Are WS always such a roller coaster ride? I used to be a pretty rock solid person, slow to anger (a skill I learned), willing to listen and be patient. This emotional roller coaster ride is tough. It is hard to exit the ride and just watch. Even if I am off the ride I still suffer through some of the ups and downs with her. Just curious as to other people's experience's with their WS's.